Lessons Learned

…Tyler POV…

"It is time to forgive myself. There is nothing that I could have done differently."

That is what Jenna says.

We have just passed the sixth hour; time is getting so much closer now. In only but a blink, the last two hours will be gone, and I will be facing my fate and future.

Things have become quiet; there are long uncomfortable silences between Jenna and me. At times I fear that our marriage is not going to survive, but I think, in fact I know, that there are more times that I believe that I am not going to survive.

I have been trying to speak to Jenna about making peace with the possibility that I might not be around for much longer. But she wants to hear nothing of it.

I am getting worse.

This might have been my purpose, my lesson. But I am not sure what lesson I was supposed to have learned.

It confuses me; I pray and ask why. Why had this had to happen to me? I am young and am supposed to have a full life with my two babies and my wife. I am supposed to have a happily ever after. I am not going to spend the rest of my life with my wife. But in saying that, how long is the rest of my life?

We don't mention it anymore; we all appreciate and are thankful that I have gotten through yet another hour. I spend my time mostly in bed. Moving around has become painful. My bones ache; my body is too fragile. I can feel it eating me up inside.

In a way, my life has come full circle; I got to live and experience the things I wanted to. I had to learn a few lessons, but my life has been good.

Yes, I have been dealt a raw deal, but I know that if I ever have to go, that my babies will have the perfect mother and, along with that, a great aunt and good friends.

So it is late afternoon; Jenna is next to me with her head resting on the bed, still fast asleep. I gently slide out from underneath the sheets, but I feel her grab for my hand.

"Hey, sleepyhead."

She only gives me a shy smile that does not reach the corners of her mouth. From the paleness she sees on my skin, I can see the worry that creeps into her eyes.

I softly whisper underneath my breath, and she knows that I am in great pain, "Please, will you bring me water."

She gives me a soft peck on the lips and head out of the room to go get a clean jug to fill it up again, but as soon as she is about to leave, the most agonizing sound comes from the room. The jug drops and shatters to the floor as she immediately let go of it to run back into the room. When she steps inside, she finds me on the floor.

"Tyler, what happened?"

I look at her with tears in my eyes, "I wanted to go to the bathroom," I sob as I hold my hear from the pain. "My legs, I just fainted."

Terror sets in, and she freezes right where she is standing, completely forgetting to help me get up. But then she mumbles my name, "Tyler, please…"

She lifts my fragile body off the floor and takes me to the bathroom. Much to my disgust, she stands right there and waits for me. Then as I want to get up, my knees give in again. She lifts me up and slowly walks me back to the bed again.

As she lays me down, she can see that it is going to be a few rough hours ahead.

She makes sure I am tucked comfortably underneath the blanket. This time I give her a passionate kiss, and before I let go, "I love you.”

She squeezes my hand and pulls me closer for a hug; as I lean in, she whispers, "I love you too."

As Jenna leaves to go get me some water, I think to myself; this should have been my lesson.

They say that each person is placed on earth to learn a certain lesson, and you will continue to be reincarnated, until you have to find the lesson that you need to learn.

And this is my lesson.

To care about someone other than myself. Yes, when you have an illness, or you are going through a bad time, you only care but yourself, and I guess, in a way, you become selfish. I took for granted that Jenna was there for me through it all, and yes, I treated her badly at times. So this must be my lesson. I need to care about somebody else but me.

Does this mean that I will get better? Why then does it feel like I have become worse?

Today is one of those days that I will need to make it count. I cannot waste today worrying about what is eating me up inside. I need to show Jenna that she is loved. I need to show my wife that even if our eternity is now, that I will still live it with her.

I think today might be today.

She needs to know that I love her.

And as she returns with the water jug in hand, I look at her face; she has a genuine smile on her face. She seems happy…or is she only deceiving me. And without fail, I return the very same smile, yet I know that it is only fake, but I smile, and I know that it makes her heart flutter.

She looks down at my slightly parted lips, and I know what is about to happen. We both lean into each other in slow motion, never breaking eye contact once. My heart skips a beat, and my knees get wobbly, even though I am not standing on my feet. I curl my hand around her neck and tangle the other in her long wavy hair.

Our lips brush softly against each other. Her lips are soft and delicately. They dance against me like butterfly wings. I pull away, hesitating for a moment. She felt new, yet oddly familiar, Her lips seemed molded to the shape of mine. My hands curled around her so perfectly as if they were made just for her. She tastes like passion, like pure, unrestrained passion, and I want more.

Then we begin to close the gap even more than before. What begins as a small peck becomes more passionate. The rest of the world spins so fast that it becomes non-existent. I lean even further into her, and my body melts into hers. It is as if I can feel a fire blazing within me, out of control. We are completely and utterly in sync in this very moment.

Everything about her is perfect. The sheer softness of her hair as I run my hands through it. The taste of sweet cotton candy that lingers on her lips. Her breath warms my cheek. The way she plays with the hair at the back of my head that tickles my neck.

She presses her lips against mine even harder. Lightning passes through me. I feel lost in a different universe, and she is slowly taking me away. Her cold hand creeps from my neck down my spine and pulls me closer. Her touch makes my body shiver. Her delicate, innocent kiss makes my heart flutter. Then it races. My body surrenders. I let her kiss me for as long as she wants. Every time I let go, I go back and kiss her again softly.

After what seems like being away for hours, we part and put our foreheads together.

I take a glass of water from me and takes a few sips; then, as I lay down again, taking my hand, she has that smile on her face again, "I love you too, Tyler."

"I love you too, baby. Get some rest."

It is time to forgive myself. There is nothing that I could have done differently. It is time that I learn that lesson that I was set to learn, for once I have found my purpose, I will truly know that I have lived a life fulfilled. If my lesson is to learn how to love someone else but myself, then it is truly a lesson that is learned with ease, for I know in my whole being that I love Jenna more than anything else.

I might stare a certain death in the face, but what I also do have in front of me is the woman that I love. And for the past six hours, I have forgotten what counts the most. My life means nothing if I do not have her.

The end might be near, but what is a constant, what I am certain of, is my love for this woman. I will happily breathe my last breath with her by my side.