BEGINNING

"Ano ba naman 'yan, Cleir! Kanina ka pa ikot ng ikot! Nahihilo na ako sa'yo!"

Hindi ako mapakali habang hinihintay ang grab na binook ko. Today is the big day! Ang dami kong sinakripisyo para marating lang ang kinatatayuan ko ngayon sa buhay.

"Lola, feeling ko hihimatayin na ako. Paano kung olats ang first day ko?" Niyakap ko si Lola habang s'ya naman ay walang tigil sa pagpaypay sa akin.

"Cleir, Apo, mahusay ka. Mahal mo ang ginagawa mo. Nakita ko ang pagod at hirap mo para lang makagraduate at pumasa ng CPALE, bakit ngayon ka kakabahan?" Napangiti ako. Salamat talaga sa Lola ko! Siya lang ang nagging sandigan ko buong buhay ko.

"Lola, anong gusto mong pasalubong? Apo ba?" Hinampas naman n'ya ako ng hawak n'yang pamaypay! Grabe! Ang bigat talaga ng kamay, akala mo hindi ako apo!

"Tarantadong bata ito!" Agad kong hinarang ang hawak kong folder sa kanya! Baka mamaya puro pasa ako pagkarating sa SGV! Ano pang sabihin ng senior ko! 

"Lola naman! Masakit! Para namang others, nananakit!" Reklamo ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano pipigilan ang tawa ko. Gusto na talagang manakit ni Lola kailangan ko nang umalis dito. i checked my phone kung malapit na ba ang sasakyan kong grab patungong Ayala Avenue. Maaga pa naman. Hindi naman ako malelate.

Huminto naman ang puting kotse sa harap ko. Ito na ata yung binook ko.

"Bye, Lola! Alis na ako. Wish me luck! Yung pasalubong mo, mamaya nalang!" Kinindatan ko s'ya at agad na sumakay sa kotse. Binuksan ko ang bintana para tignan ang naiinis n'yang mukha. Mukha s'yang masaya! Parang kanina lang nananakit ah? Mga oldies nga naman.

"Isobel, hindi kana nakakatuwa! Maghanap ka muna ng kasintahan mo!" Tawang-tawa ako habang tinitignan kung may nakalimutan ba ako. Kasintahan? Dimo sure, Lola! I shrugged my shoulder and just sit comfortably.

Today is my first day sa aking first job! I got hired sa pangarap ko Accounting Firm! Muntik ko nang hindi matupad pero eto ako ngayon, isa nang ganap na Auditor. Although medyo nadelay nga lang but still, I managed.

Inayos ko ang blouse ko na binili ko sa mall noong isang araw pati na rin ang pencil cut na palda at closed shoes na may kaunting heels. Tinignan ko rin kung maayos ang kilay ko at inamoy kung mabango ba ang hininga ko. Nagsuklay na rin ako at inayos ang clip na binili ko sa shopee! Geez! I'm so ready! I applied my favorite shade ng lipstick then pabango!

Tinignan ko ang phone ko at nagselfie para ipost sa IG story.

I wrote "new beginning" as a caption. My friends started to react and send me their well wishes! Masaya ako na masaya sila para sa akin. Kaya lang may isang text akong hinihintay pero ni minsan hindi nagsend ng message sa akin.

Sobra akong kinakabahan dahil iba ang mundo sa totoong buhay kaysa sa nababasa mo lang sa libro. Mahirap I-apply ang theory sa reality.

It's okay. It's gonna be okay. Hiraya Manawari!

My phone suddenly vibrated so I answered the call

"Hello, Ma'am! Nandito na po ako sa address na binigay n'yo . Nasaan na po kayo? 10 minutes na po ako rito" I almost jumped sa kotse realizing na mali ang sinakyan ko!

"Wait, Kuya! Are you telling me na hindi ikaw itong driver ng puting SUV?" I asked! This is so scary! I thought eto na talaga ang sasakyan na binooked ko! My gosh!

"Naku, Ma'am, mali po ata ang sinakyan n'yo. Nagpa-gas muna po ako kanina kaya medyo natagalan." With that, I started to get nervous! Who wouldn't be? Pakiramdam ko ay nakidnap ako, parang bumalik lahat ng trauma ng nakaraan. I started to breath heavily as I panicked. My hands started to sweat like waterfalls. I’m so scared.

"Manong, sorry po! Mali po yung nasakyan ko. Wag po kayong mag-alala babayaran ko nalang po kayo. Pasensya na po." Agad kong chinarged sa account ko ang payment kay Manong Grab. Alam ko naman na kasalanan ko kung bakit mali ang nasakyan ko kaya chinarged ko parin yung bayad sa bank account ko.

Tumingin ako sa harapan at pinagmasdan ang driver. Hindi ko masyadong makita ang mukha n'ya pero hindi nga s'ya mukhang grab driver! Hala!

 Ano ba itong ginawa ko?

My hands were trembling, but I still tried to keep calm kahit na gusto ko nang magbreakdown dahil ayaw ko yung pakiramdam na ganito. Natatakot at walang magawa.

"Ahhmm.... Hello po? Ahhhm, Sir...." Hindi ko matuloy ang sasabihin ko! Uso pa naman ang pagkidnap sa mga babae ngayon tapos gagahasain! I immediately roll down the window at agad nilabas ang dala kong pangshave ng kilay!

What the fuck am I thinking?

Pangshave ng kilay, really? Napataas ng kilay yung driver! I grabbed my facial mist at tinapat sa kanya!

"Kuya, itabi n'yo po ang kotse! Kidnap ba 'to?" I heard the driver cleared his throat kaya mas lalo akong kinabahan! Seriously? Dito lang ba mapupunta lahat ng paghihirap ko?

I am already overthinking and planning how to escape the vehicle as soon as I could! Ayaw ihinto yung sasakyan! Hindi ako pinapakinggan!

"Kuya, para na po! Sorry po sa abala! Maling kotse nasakyan ko!" Still, hindi n'ya ako pinakinggan! WTF! Lord, huwag muna po. Hindi ko pa nabibigyan ng apo si Lola!

"Kuya, sige, isspray ko sa mukha mo itong pepper spray! Sabay tayong mapupunta sa impyerno!" I shouted and mas nilapit ko sa mukha n'ya yung facial mist ko! Sana hindi n'ya maamoy yung aloe vera scent n'ya!

"Ma'am, Ayala Avenue po ba?" I automatically froze when I heard a familiar voice. I blinked thrice only to find out that the driver I've been shouting at was my ex-boyfriend.

I immediately sprayed the mist sa mukha n'ya! Hindi ata s'ya prepared kaya naapakan n'ya ang break so I hit myself sa front seat!

"The fuck, Isobel!" Sigaw n'ya habang tinignan ang kalagayan ko sa may backseat! I wasn't even wearing a seatbelt!

I immediately checked my make up! Baka nagulo na s'ya! My goodness! Buti nalang hindi! 

"Ihinto mo sa tabi." I calmly said while collecting my things! I shouldn't be here talking shits with this asshole. Bumigat yung mga paghinga ko. Parang gusto kong manakit.

"No, hatid na kita." He said while driving carefully. Ang kapal naman talaga ng apog nitong lalaking ito. I crossed my arms and I rolled my eyes to express my disgust.

"No, Sir. That was a kind offer but I can manage." I firmly said. I tried to open the door but it was locked!

“Ano bang problema mo?” I shouted at him. I lost my control towards my emotions because I couldn’t suppress it anymore.

How could a person act normal knowing that he was the reason for someone’s misery?

How could a person just simply get over the pain he has inflicted?

How could he?

It has been three years and the scar wasn’t healed yet.

"I'm sorry, Cleir." Kalmado n'yang sabi. I can feel the guilt and sadness on his voice.If I were my old self, I would have hugged and kissed him to assure that it’s okay like it was no big deal.

However, it’s the other way around.

I couldn’t feel any mercy or sympathy towards him.

He has always been like this.

Emotional. A soft boy.

“You don’t have to feel sorry because it’s over. I’m glad we ended. I’m glad it ended.”  I tried to talk in the meanest way possible because I had to protect my ego. I had to sho him that I am no longer the person he used to know.

Silence enveloped us. I did not talk until we reached the destination.

I couldn’t stand another minute with this asshole.

I’m so tired of chasing the things that are never really meant for me.

As soon as the car stopped. I prepared myself to leave that hell hole.

Okay na ako e.

Bakit kailangan n’ya ulit magpakita? His face reminds me how I lost everything. He reminds me how disgusted I am to politics and power.

“Cleir, alam kong gago ako. Hindi kayang ibalik ng sorry ko ang lahat ng nawala sa iyo… Can you at the very least, listen to me?”

I rolled my eyes.

What for? Talking is for the weak.

I ignored him without hearing anything from him. I just started to walk towards the building and to prepare for my work.

It’s my first day and so I have to leave a good impression to my senior. Of course, I have to be promoted here.

“Good mornng po!” I greeted my Senior as she approached me in the office. She instructed me about my reponsibilities and such. I just quietly listened.

After the brief orientation, agad n’yang pinatong sa kamay ko ang katambak na files. I almost slipped on the floor! Mabuti nalang I was able to regain my balance.

Nalula ako sa dami nang kailangang kong gawin!

Walang ganitong sinabi sa school! Bakit sabay-sabay ang gagawin?! Isa lang ako tapos ang dami kong client! I brought the papers to my table and I started to work my ass off.

First day palang bakit pang-isang linggo ang workload?

My senior suddenly came and instructed me to submit my credentials to the HR. I went there hoping that I could spot a vendo machine or a cafeteria because I badly need coffee right now.

“May bago raw na promoted Partner sa firm. I guess si JFR iyon. Mabuti naman at makikita ulit natin s’ya at ang kanyang biceps.” I overheard some staffs that giggling sa tabi ng comfort room. I wonder why they call our boss like that. First letter basis ba talaga dito?

“Sinabi mo pa! Balita ko strikto yon. Pero okay lang, pogi naman s’ya. Baka sabihin ko pa sa kanya “spank me daddy”. Agad naman s’yang hinampas ng kausap n’ya.

I almost cringe sa mga naririnig ko. Binilisan ko nalang ang paglalakad hanggang sa makarating ako sa HR.

“Congratulations, Austin. You made the rght choice.”

Austin, what? I pushed the door open only to find out that he was there.

He’s talking with the HR head. I couldn’t move an inch.

I suddenly felt the rage within me. When our eyes met, I knew I was in danger again.