All Chapters of How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis : Chapter 21 - Chapter 30

Running away felt good. Partly because the distance between me and the monster was getting bigger, and partly because it always feels good running downhill.You might think it was a missed opportunity. The ogre had no idea we were there, the ideal chance for a sneak attack. What a prize we might have claimed! Yeah, well, death ain’t much of a prize. The problem is, you can’t understand what it’s like to see an actual monster.Imagine if you walked into your living room and a gorilla was sitting in your favourite chair. You’d shit yourself, right? Now imagine the gorilla ten times bigger, with the face of the uncle who molested you when you were a kid, and you’re in the ballpark. Oh, you didn’t have an uncle like that? Sure, and you think I’m the one in denial.I didn’t stop till I was back in town. I zoomed around the wheatfield and didn’t slow down as I approached the buildings. Not once did I look back to see if the others were following. If they couldn’t understand basic instruct

“Shouldn’t we all go in together?” asked Claire.“No,” I said. “I’m going to have a quick look just to see what’s in there. If it’s okay, then I’ll come get the rest of you. If it isn’t, then I’ll be running when I come out. If I’m running, that’s your cue to also start running, got it?”How brave, how selfless. I planned to investigate this dark, forbidding cave alone — had I suddenly found my true hero’s heart? No. I just didn’t want them stumbling around in there, attracting attention and getting in my way when I tried to get the hell out.My intention was to literally stick my head in the cave entrance, see what was in there and see if it looked safe to investigate further, and then call the others over. Heroics would be kept to a minimum. And by minimum, I mean exactly zero.“Remember, if I run out, don’t wait to see what’s behind me, don’t ask questions or make any noise at all — get in the water and head for the island. If they can swim, at least we’ll be able to defend ours

If you’re expecting an intense series of life changing experiences bookended by Dudley struggling around an assault course at the start, and flying around the same course to the theme from Rocky at the end, I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed.I didn’t have time to rebuild Dudley from the ground up, and even if I did, changing him from upper class twit to stone cold killer was well beyond me. My only goal was to get him to focus on one thing at a time so that when I told him to do something, I had confidence he would actually do it. With a normal person, you’d just say, “Look, I want you to do this thing, and it’s important, really important, so don’t stop until it’s finished. No matter what happens, this is your number one priority. We’re all counting on you, okay?” And the person would understand.That kind of approach wouldn’t work with Dudley. He would certainly agree to the task, but once he got distracted (by Flossie, by a passing bird, by the sound of his stomach rumbli

Everyone stood around trying not to look at the bodies of the mice. We’d managed to keep going on pure adrenalin during the fight, but now it all looked very real, and very much like a crime scene.“Dudley, you know the washing line outside? Pull it down and bring it in here. Maurice, go get the sacks from the island. Claire, take Flossie to the pond and wash her eyes out, she looks like she’s still got some of the dust in there. I’ll take care of this.” I pointed at the bodies without looking at them.They all stood still for a moment — I thought they were going to have a go at me for trying to boss them around — but they turned and went off as instructed. I didn’t particularly feel like giving orders, but they needed to stop dwelling on what we’d just done, and I think they were glad to have something to do. The other reason for my sudden take-charge attitude was that I really needed to be alone.As soon as they’d gone, I sat on the ground with a bump and burst into tears. I know,

Of all the things you might force someone to do by pointing a sword at them, reading probably isn’t one that immediately springs to mind. I pointed at the posters on the wall, each with a line of something unintelligible written on them.“I said read it.”Grayson stood with his hands held up, more requesting calm than offering surrender. “Now, you don’t want to — argh.”I only meant to poke him slightly with the sword to show him I meant business, but the tip slid into his side with ease. I pulled it back out, a red smear on the end. So this was how a real weapon worked.Grayson started reading. “Ogre, easily confused, 300 bits. Frogman, uses basic beast magic, 200 bits. Gnome, weak to bright light, 100 bits. Lamia, able to mesmerise, 250 bits.”“Maurice, grab some paper and write this stuff down. Claire, you get some paper too and copy the map off the wall. Mark where the different creatures live. The colour of the poster matches the same colour region on the map.”They quickly did a