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Pity Party
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2021-01-14 11:03:12I grabbed a second cup of coffee and steeled my spine ready to start the long process of figuring out my next moves. Jax obviously was not bothered by his actions last night. The fact that he could come out of the bedroom, see me but ignore me, and go about his business was all the proof I needed that there was no apology coming from him. My heart hurt for the loss of the love that I thought was blooming between us, but now was not the time for emotions. Now was the time for me to push my emotions aside and work.
I grabbed a notebook before settling in once again in the kitchen chair. I browsed through every available rental in the area. To my utter horror there were not many places available. Scanning through the listings it became apparent that three-bedroom homes were in short supply. Desperate times call for desperate measures, I started looking at two-bedroom homes.
It would be very difficult for me and the kid
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I headed into the kitchen, I felt like I needed to keep busy. Jax did not stop me from walking out of the bedroom, and I could not process the emotions I was feeling. I wanted to believe that he did not remember everything. I wanted last night to be erased from my memory as well. I could not forget though, and a part of me hated that he could forget so easily.Since I had cleaned earlier, there was nothing else for me to do but to start preparing dinner. It was a little early, but I figure an early dinner is better than nothing. As I was taking vegetables out of the fridge Helen came into the kitchen.“What is for dinner?” I do not detect any change in Helen’s voice when she asked about dinner, so I felt slightly relieved that the kids had not heard me yelling at Jax.“Well since it is early, I thought about doing a nice roast with yummy vegetables.” I flash her
Last Updated : 2021-01-18Wrong Way Up Holiday Spirits
WARNINGThis chapter contains acts of physical violence, as well as addiction issues. This chapter also contains acts of mental and emotional abuse that may be triggers for some readers.Jax was doing great at limiting his drinking. He tried to stop drinking cold turkey; however, less than forty-eight hours in he was shaking, sweating, and throwing up. I had to take a crash course in alcohol withdrawal and how to help someone cope with the side effects and problems that come up because of alcohol withdrawal. Before now I did not know that alcohol withdrawal even existed. I learned that it was a fine line between knowing how much alcohol he needed to have to stop the symptoms without getting him drunk.I dove in headfirst, determined to help him. I thought that by doing this I could s
Last Updated : 2021-01-19Wrong Way Up Christmas Wishes
Jax and I went back to not talking to each other. Once again, he claimed not to remember what he had done, but this time I did not believe him. This attack was deliberate and planned out. It was not a moment in anger. Jax purposely waited for me to be asleep, then he went and drank the rest of the bottle of liquor. Once he was inebriated, he had to get my cell phone off my dresser, unlock it and then proceed to go through my phone relentlessly. Then he planned and executed a full-blown attack against me. So, when he tried the same lame excuse that he did not remember I told him that I did not believe him.He also tried telling me that he wanted to stop drinking. I was not going to fall for that lie again. It hurt to see him cry, but not as much as he had hurt me that night. I knew that this was not how love was supposed to be, I just was not sure how to get out.Not that it truly mattered in the grand scheme of thin
Last Updated : 2021-01-20Wrong Way Up New Year Same Story
WARNINGThe following chapter contains several topics that may be triggers to some readers. This chapter contains acts of physical and sexual violence. It deals with other topics that may be triggers as well for some readers. Please read with caution.Christmas turned out decent. I was able to keep the fake smile on and the pretend façade going. Jax seemed happy that I was more docile. In truth I just wanted the children to have a decent holiday season. Money had been tight, and I felt bad that the children did not have a ton of gifts to open on Christmas morning. Surprisingly, they were all excited for the gifts that they did receive. Jax gave everyone the best gift of all though with Daisy.The kids were excited that Daisy had joined the family. Even Isabella loved watching
Last Updated : 2021-01-21Wrong Way Up Sanity From The Past
I reached a new level of depression that I did not know even existed. I struggled to get out of bed. I no longer cared when or if I showered. I threw out all my makeup, and hardly ever wore jewelry. I felt tired all the time, but my brain was constantly moving. I hardly ate, food just was not appetizing. I no longer drew, played little phone games, or read books. Nothing held my attention, I just wanted to sleep. When I was asleep, I did not have to live in the nightmare I was in. Sleep was my escape from my own hell.Jax did not care that I was withdrawn. He was back to drinking and it was steadily getting worse. As long as I kept my mouth shut, and the kids stayed quiet and out of his hair, he was usually content. Occasionally he would release the biting remark reminding me of how fat I was, ugly, or his personal favorite insult whore. It had been three weeks since he forced himself on me, but since then he has not physically touched me.
Last Updated : 2021-01-22Wrong Way Up The Spy Inside Me
Jayce’s message opened a whole new part of me that I did not even know I had inside of me. Slowly my depression started lifting. Instead, I channeled my feelings into truly living a double life. I knew that I needed to get away from Jax, but all my plans had failed before. I still had no job, and money was tight. I needed to face myself, and come to terms that I had not been truly trying to leave the situation that I placed myself in.I got serious about finding a way to leave. I started finding odd jobs that I could do while Jax was at work. I ensured that I could do them when he was away from the house. This allowed me to save up a little money that he knew nothing about. Some of the jobs were disgusting but I powered through. I even made a few good acquaintances along the way.I also joined a support group at my college for victims of domestic violence. I was hoping that a few group members would be able to
Last Updated : 2021-01-23Wrong Way Up Unloaded Weapons
The second week of March Jax found a new way to make my blood run cold. I came home from school, and Jax was already home. As soon as I hit the front foyer, he was calling me into the bedroom. My blood froze in my veins, I knew that the children were still in school, so it was just Jax and I in the house. Quick flashes of the last time he attacked me when no one was home started flitting through my brain. I quickly pulled out my phone, I had a detective’s number on speed dial that one of the women gave me at group.Even having my phone in an easily accessible place did not stop my legs from feeling heavy as I walked through the hallway towards the bedroom. There was no way of telling what awaited me when I would get to the room. I had no idea if Jax was already drinking, if he were in a good or bad mood, or even if I had done something that would upset him.Reaching for the door handle I took a deep breath bef
Last Updated : 2021-01-24Wrong Way Up Biting Off More
Lady luck stayed on my side for a little while. The shooting range that used to operate in town was closed permanently. Jax was upset when he found out about it, but I placated him a little bit telling him that I was sure we could find another one. I knew that if Jax ever got that gun on a range he would find out quickly that someone had removed the firing pin. It did not take a genius to know exactly who he would blame either.Jax decided not to open carry his newest toy. I admit it was a relief knowing that he did not carry it with him. Even without a firing pin, Jax could use that weapon in other ways. It was a heavy gun, and if he chose to hit someone with it, he was going to do permanent damage.Life quickly returned to normal. I kept pretending everything was good, fake smiles, fake affection, and behind that working on a way out. Jax’s drinking was steadily getting worse. To my shock this actually helpe
Last Updated : 2021-01-25
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The next week was very hectic. I ended up having two long days at work, and it was proving difficult to work my schedule around Jayce’s schedule and taking the kids to their various activities. I felt on edge all the time, even at the supermarket because I was afraid that Jax would do something to my vehicle again.A follow up phone call confirmed that there were no cameras in the area that would have been able to capture Jax messing with my car that night. I was beyond frustrated that he could continue to harass me and get away with it.One of the few silver linings to my week was that I had not seen Jax again face to face. Although Jayce had stood up for me last time, I could not help but to fear that I would run into Jax without having Jayce with me.Jayce had practically moved into the house with me and the kids. Although he still had his trailer, because Jax was an ever-present threat to my safety he was staying at the house. I would be a liar if I sa
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The next morning Jayce placed a call to his mechanic friend while I made us some coffee. The kids had plans with their youth group, and I was lucky that they had a ride into town. With Jax being out of jail I worried whenever they were gone, but today they were taking a trip up the mountain to do some mushroom hunting. Morel mushrooms grew wild on the mountain and the group had found some last year and wanted to explore even more this year.Jayce came down and informed me that his friend had some time this afternoon to come and look at the car. I confirmed once again that it was not going to cost me anything, and Jayce reassured me that he had already spoken to him about it. I felt a pang of guilt at making Jayce use a favor to help me, but it was imperative that I have the car running well. Living outside of town was great for isolation, but we definitely needed a vehicle to get back and forth to town.Since we had time, we quickly settled into a morning routine of cl
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“What exactly is a plea bargain?” When the attorney did not continue, I felt that I needed to ask. From the glances she was giving the victim assistance worker I could only assume that I was not going to like the answer she was about to give me.“A plea bargain is where I give Jax a set of conditions that he must fulfill and in return he accepts the charges, and we avoid a full trial.” It seemed as if the attorney was dancing around the subject instead of giving me the straight facts.“What are the conditions you are asking for, and what exactly would his charges be?” The longer this meeting was taking, the more my rage was building. It seems as if Jax has the world convinced that he is a great guy, and that him beating me was just a fluke.“At this time Jax has been in jail for almost three weeks. I would ask that does sixty days in jail, he would need to complete drug and alcohol classes, as well as an anger management
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