"All the beautiful memories, just turned into a beautiful nightmares." Breaking up with the guy you love the most is the hardest part of being in love. Letting go as if it’s only the choice you need to choose. Letting go even though you want to hold that person as tightly as you can just to make that person stay besides you. I really want to hold back, I want to fight for us, but how can I do that? Kung ang taong inaasahan mong lalaban din para sa iyo ay sumuko na nang tuluyan? Paano mo pa siya hahawakan kung siya na mismo ang kusang bumibitaw? Sometimes, when you love someone, you want and wishes them the best and happiness, but then sometimes, what's best for them is not you — you're not part of it. We love each other, but we choose to let go each other, it's not because we're coward and afraid to face it, but because that's the only thing we can do to save 'us'. WHERE YOU CAN'T STAY FOREVER.
View MorePROLOGUE
'All the beautiful memories, just turns into a beautiful nightmares.'Breaking up with the guy you love the most is the hardest part of being in love. Letting go as if it’s only the choice you need to choose. Letting go even though you want to hold that person as tightly as you can just to make that person stay besides you. I really want to hold back, I want to fight for us, but how can I do that? Kung ang taong inaasahan mong lalaban din para sa iyo ay sumuko na nang tuluyan? Paano mo pa siya hahawakan kung siya na mismo ang kusang bumibitaw?Habang nakatingin ako sa kanya, hindi ko mapigilang madurog. Parang unti-unti akong nilulusaw. This pain is unbearable, but what can I do? All I need to do is to hide it and bear the pain alone because he is longer able to ease this pain. Dahil siya ang dahilan kung bakit nasasaktan ako ngayon.Inilahad ko ang kamay ko. I smiled, as if I’m not dying inside. "You still need to keep your promise, before you officially break it."Kinuha ko ang kamay niya. I closed my eyes intently as I hold his hand tightly. At the end of this night, I will no longer able to hold this hand. Ayoko siyang bitawan, pero bakit gano’n kahit gaano kahigpit ang hawak ko sa kanya, bumibitaw pa rin siya?I smiled. "L-Love." My voice broke as I spoke. I saw a tear glimpsed on his eyes. Mas lalo niyang hinigpitan ang hawak sa kamay ko na para bang ayaw niya itong bitawan. My heart keeps aching. This is so painful.Siguro ganito talaga maglaro ang tadhana, kung kailan sigurado ka na saka naman niya babawiin ang taong mahal mo gagawin itong komplikado. Minsan iniisip ko na hanapin ang tadhana, para kapag nakita ko siya kakausapin ko at magmamakaawa, ipipilit ko sa kanya na kaming dalawa na lang. Dahil hindi ko alam kung kaya kong mabuhay ng wala siya sa tabi. O kaya sasabihin ko na, sana hindi na lang niya ibinigay si Chaster sa akin, kung babawiin lang din naman niya ito.Hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti habang nakatingin ako sa kamay naming dalawa habang nililibot namin ang amusement park. Hindi ko maiwasang matuwa sa mga nakikita ko. Hindi pa ako nakakapunta sa lugar na ganito, I always have this thought na masyadong childish, pero automatic pala na magiging bata ka once na makakapasok sa lugar na ganito. This place is like a fairytlae, and my fairytale will end here tonight."Let's take a picture there." Dinala ko siya sa isang malaking Christmas tree kung saan madami ring nag-pi-picture. It's Christmas soon, maybe they will celebrate Christmas here, yet I’m gonna celebrate my break up here. "Ooh! It's santa!" Itinuro ko ang gumagalaw na santa claus na nakasakay sa slay niya. May mga batang nakasakay at nag-pi-picture rin doon.I heard him laughed. And I will not able to hear that laugh again, after this. Ang malutong niyang tawa na madalas nagsisilbing musika sa aking tenga. Hindi ba talaga pwede? Hindi ba talaga pwedeng kami na lang? I promise, I’ll be good just don’t take him away from me.Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi ko upang pigilan ang aking nagbabadyang luha. Hindi ko alam kung paano iindahin ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Para akong pinapatay sa sobrang sakit.We took pictures together, as if everything was okay. We smiled and laughed, as if pain weren’t killing us both. We held each other's hand, as if we won't let it go together. We stared at each other's eyes, as if we're not hiding anything, like pain."Ang galing ko!" sigaw ko at nagtatalon pa ako sa tuwa. He is just laughing beside me while shrugging his head."Akala mo naman ang laki-laki ng stuff toy na nakuha mo. Keychain lang naman.”"Ya! How could you insult my piece of hard work?!" I hissed. But he just laughed as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder.Minsan iniisip ko, siguro ito na ang karma ko dahil sa mga masasamang ginawa ko. But i don’t think I deserved it. I don’t deserve this pain. I don’t deserve to cry. I don’t deserve these tears. Lahat na lang ng taong mahal ko nawawala sa akin. This is so traumatizing. Para bang wala na akong karapatang maging masaya.Nagpatuloy kami sa paglilibot hanggang sa nakuha ng atensyon ko ang mad swing."Papatay ako. Huwag na diyan,”pagmamaktol niya ng ituro ko ang mad swing kung saan 360° ang ikot nito.I laughed with his reaction. Mukhang ayaw talaga niyang subukan. Ayaw na niya."Napakaduwag talaga. I'll give you a peck in the lips if you ride that with me. It's not that scary if you try it. Doh? Kasama mo kaya ako," pagyayabang ko.I hope. I hope. He reads between the lines. Please Love, kumapit ka. Lumaban ka pa para sa ating dalawa."Sa iba na lang tayo." Nauna siyang naglakad. Mapait akong napangiti habang pinapanood siyang naglalakad palayo sa akin.Siguro kahit na anong pilit ko, kung hindi talaga pwede, wala akong magagawa. Ayokong tanggapin na sa ganito na lang matatapos ang lahat. Paano ako? Paano kami? Paano na ang mga pangarap naming dalawa na magkasama? Bakit kailangan kami ang magbayad sa nagawa ng aming pamilya? Bakit kailangan naming magsakripisyo para lang sa masagip ang reputasyon ng aming pamilya?“Love.” Mabilis akong lumapit sa kanya, hinawakan kong muli ang kamay niya.I can't stop from smiling looking at our hands together. Sana hindi na matapos ang gabing ito. Sana ganito na lang lagi. Pero alam ko naman na pagkatapos nito, matatapos na rin ang aming kuwento. But what are you going to do? If the person you love wanted to let you go, will you able to let go? Will you able to bear the pain? Kung ako? Hindi ko kakayanin. Ngayon pa lang sobrang nasasaktan na ako. Nakakabaliw ang nararamdaman ko."MERRY CHRISTMAS!"Kasabay ng malakas na batian at sigawan ay siya namang pagliwanag ng paligid dahil sa mga fireworks sa kalangitan. Bumagsak ang aking luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan."Merry Christmas, Love," bulong ko. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. sobrang higpit. Hindi ko kayang bitawan siya. Hindi ko kaya. Parang awa mo na, ipaglaban mo pa ako."Merry Christmas, Love," rinig kong bulong niya.Parehas kaming nakatingala sa langit, nakangiti. Tuluyang nadurog ang aking puso ng dahan-dahan niyang binitawan ang kamay ko.My fairytale just ended.Humarap ako sa kanya. Tinignan ko siya habang patuloy pa rin ang pag bagsak ng aking luha."Bakit? Hindi ka na ba masaya?" I asked. I paused for a moment. I bit the inside of my cheek while staring at him. "Bakit susuko ka na?" Nakatingin lang siya sa maliwanag na kalangitan na nababalot ng mga iba't ibang kulay ng fireworks. "Bakit ayaw mo na?" Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. Sobrang higpit. I just can't let him go. No. Not now. Hindi pa ako handa!Im hoping. Still hoping. Until..."Let's end this." Ang mga kamay kong nakahawak ng mahigpit sa kamay niya ay nahulog. "S-Sorry." Umiwas siya ng tingin saakin.That's break my only hope. My heart. This is what I feared the most. It's happening again. I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds. I wish I’m dreaming. Please God, he's the only one I have, don't take him away from me.I tried to smile, but I failed multiple times because these tears keep flowing endlessly. But I still tried, even though it's killing me.I fake a smile. "Okay." pinatatag ko ang boses ko kahit na sobra na ang panginginig nito, dahil pagkatapos nito kailangan kong harapin ang umaga na ako na lang mag isa. Dahil mag-isa na lang ulit ako.I’m not okay. Sobrang sakit! Na ang nag iisang taong meron ako, mawawala rin sa akin. Why do I have a life that it hurts so much? And why do people I love always turning their back at me and chooses to leave me alone in the world called pain? God, why?Gusto kong lumuhod, magmakaawa hanggang sa bawiin niya ang mga sinabi niya, pero alam kung gagawin ko iyon mas mahihirapan kaming dalawa, mas masasaktan lang naman ang isa’t isa, at mas magiging komplikado ang lahat.Sobrang mahal ko siya. Tipong handa akong gawin ang lahat para sa kanya, maliban lang ang bitawan siya. Sabi nila normal lang ang masaktan, pero hindi ko naman akalain na ganito pala kasakit ang pakiramdam. Siguro, tama rin ang kasabihan na hindi lahat ng taong darating sa iyo, mananatili habambuhay sa piling mo. Kahit gaano namin kamahal ang isa’t isa kung naglaro ang tadhana, wala kaming magagawa. Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na akong maiwan at masaktan."Be h-happy. Don't c-cry because I will no longer there to wipe your tears." Nabasag ang boses niya. Muli siyang umiwas sa akin, pero hindi nakatakas sa mga mata ko ang luhang pumatak sa kanyang mga mata.Pareho kaming nasasaktan dahil sa pagmamahal. Pareho kaming nagdurusa dahil pareho kaming walang ibang pwedeng gawin kundi ang bitawan ang isa’t isa."Then stay," giit ko. He shrugged his head. "What if I can't find happiness again?" I bit my upper lip still tears keep flowing. This is so painful. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. Tightly as I can. "What if time doesn't work to me? What if I never get over you?" I sobbed.He stared at me. Pain is written all over his face, still trying to get hold of his tears, but it's still keeps flowing. He cupped my face. Hinawakan ko ang likod ng palad niyang nakahawak sa mukha ko. Nagsusumamo ang tingin ko sa kanya. Pero alam kong buo na ang loob niya, at wala na akong magagawa roon. I can’t please him to stay. He will never going to stay besides me agin."S-Stay. Please?" I pleaded. "I don't care about anything, just stay. Please?" I almost kneeled down."Nagawa ko na ang huling hiling mo. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang tumupad ng hiling ko."Umiling ako ng ilang ulit. Ayoko!"L-Let me go. Please?"I stared at him. Sobbing.May mga bagay na kailangan mong intindihin kahit magulo. Katulad ng mga tanong na walang kasagutan. May mga bagay na kailangan mong tanggapin kahit masakit. Kahit na alam mong hindi madali. May mga bagay na kailangan mong ipaglaban kahit mahirap. May mga bagay na kailangan mong pakawalan kahit ayaw mo. I smiled. I let go of his hand."Then go," I said firmly. Kahit durog na durog ako. "I know I'll still miss you everyday, but then if this is make you happy." Huminga ako ng malalim at mabilis pinunasan ang takas kong luha. "I'll let you go." I’m almost out of breath when I said the words I don't want to utter.In the end, you can't always choose what to keep. You can only choose how to let it go, and what to let go. Just like now. I can't longer hold his hand. Because we both choose to let go."Goodnight," he said. Mariin kong naipikit ang aking mga mata ng maramdaman ko ang labi niya sa noo ko.I do believe now, that sometimes all goodnights are goodbyes in disguise.Sometimes, when you love someone, you want and wishes them the best and happiness, but then sometimes, what's best for them isn't you. And that pains me more and more.Wala akong magawa kundi ang panoorin lang siyang naglalakad palayo sa akin. Ang pangarap ko, mundo ko at buhay ko... iniwan din ako."Goodbye, Love.”---EpilogueThings I didn't expect to happen. People I didn't expect that will come into my life, love I didn't expect to receive, and a woman I didn't expect that I will going to spend my whole life with. Unexpected things really do happen, na dati ay hindi ako naniniwala, pero simula ng dumating siya sa buhay ko lahat nagawa kong paniwalaan, lahat ng imposible ay naging posible para sa akin. I met her at the right time, and at the perfect place. "Dude, sino yang tinitingnan mo?" tanong ni Hans na lumapit sa akin at inabutan ako ng yosi. "Yung pinsan ni Clay," sagot ko ng hindi tinatanggal ang pagkakatingin sa kanya. I fell in love at first sight. I admit it. "Dude, punta ako sa bahay niyo mamaya," paalala ko kay Clay. "Sige dude."I got chance to finally meet her. Mas maganda pala siya sa malapitan. "Apakaarte," nakangising sabi ko habang nakatingin sa kanya. Umirap naman siya sa akin agad. "Apakaattitude."She makes face. I chuckled. She's cute. Finally, I got her attention.
Sixty-nineHave you ever dealt with something you can't handle? Dealing with it, until you realize something won't be the same again. Maybe that's how it really works, that you can't hold everything, that there are things that you need to let go for you to hold yourself from falling apart. "Ate, you're drinking again?" Ella asked as soon as she saw me at the veranda. "I'm not drinking, I'm just unwinding," I plainly answered as I drink in one shot the beer in can I'm holding. I heaved a deep sigh as I stared blankly at the sky above us. Even the sky is freakingly not on my side, there's no stars, even the moon is hiding from me. It's been a week since I decided to get back. As soon as the gallery finished, I immediately booked a flight. Wala na akong rason pa para mag stay sa Pilipinas. Yes, I do have my family there and friends, but I don't think it's enough for me to stay. "New York is still the same," I muttered to myself as I pursed my lips and closed my eyes intently when a
Sixty-eightI successfully park the car outside the Korean restaurant. Nauna akong lumabas sa kanya at naglakad papasok sa resto. I can't breathe with him by my side. His giving me feelings I tried to forget. Every time I stared at his eyes, akala ko okay na ako, but everything just turned upside down. My efforts just got wasted all of a sudden. Yes, I still like him... no, I still love him, but I freakingly know that we can't be together anymore. He already have Angel-eech. He turned his back at me again, while I'm still waiting for him to get me back. Sumuko na naman siya dahil lang sinabi ko sa kanya na everything is a mistake that night. Hindi ako maghahabol, dahil hindi iyon gawin ng magaganda. The foods I ordered just came, napatingin ako sa labas dahil hindi pa rin dumarating si Chaster. O freaking come on.Mariin kong naipikit ang mga mata ko. Tatayo na sana ako para puntahan siya ng bigla siyang pumasok. Pinanood ko siya habang nililibot ang mga mata niya sa kabuuan ng rest
Sixty-seven"Ate, problem," bungad agad ni Ella sa akin pagkapasok na pagkapasok niya sa office ko. By the expression of her face and on how she reacts, I might say that it's really a problem. I put down the folder I'm holding, and took off my Bone Prone Optical Glasses of Chrome Hearts as I raised a brow at her."What?"She heaved a deep sigh as she place the folder she's holding to my table. My brows immediately furrowed when I saw what's in the folder. "I contacted the owner of the photo-art the other day, remember the owner of 'Sweet Dull Memories' na kasali sa exhibit next week. I did reached her —" "So? What's the catch? I told you to settle those arts rights?" "She suddenly said that she doesn't want her work to be displayed." I stared at her, trying to process what she just said. "A collector just contacted me and saw our pamphlet to our website, and she want that certain photo-arts personally."I massage my temple out of frustration all of a sudden. O freaking come on,
Sixty-sixI've never been good of leaving things behind, because I'm always be the one who is being left behind, but despite of that I learned so many things, like finding out who's there for me, and never left when I needed someone the most. I learned to face everything without fear. I learned to forgive but I know I'll never forger everything. "Will you still keep someone that hurt you and cause you so much pain?" Pare-pareho nila akong nilingon ng magsalita ako"Oo naman," sagot agad ni Sunny na wala man lang pagdadalawang isip"No," firmed na sagot ni Vivi"Why not?" taas kilay na sagot ni Shantelle "What for?" simpeng sagot ni MilleThey have different point of views and thoughts. Maybe because, we have different experiences. We tend to still accept someone despite of hurting us, not because they're being martyr, but because they sitll love that someone. On the contrary, some people doesn't want to try it again, not because they're coward, but because they are too afraid to be
Sixty-five"Chaster and I, are dating," she happily announced at the middle of the dinner. Napuno ng tanungan ang hapag kainan habang ako ay patuloy pa ring kumakain. Ramdam ko ang tingin sa akin ng mga pinsan ko pero hindi ko na lang ito pinansin. "What? You and Kuya Chaster are dating?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ni Ella. "Actually po, I didn't expect din po that he'll asked me out, kasi I'm still rooting him with Dashelle."I sneered. I couldn't stop myself to glare at her. Is she for real? O freaking come on. "Ya. Being hypocrite doesn't have cure," I mocked as I sip onto my wine. "If you really dating him, you freakingly don't need to drag my name out. Halatang nagpapabida ka na naman," dagdag ko. I don't know what's her deal. O freaking come on. So they're dating? Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kutsarang hawak ko. "I'm just saying lang naman," she fake a smile. My brows furrowed. "So? Do I need to care with your relationship?"What's wrong with this bitch? O geez. So she wante
Sixty-four Last day na namin ngayon, maagang natapos ang convention dahil magkakaroon ng party mamayang gabi. Ella and I just spend our free time sleeping. Chaster is so persistent, he really never failed to annoys me. Ugh. Nagising ako ng tumunog ang phone ko. Half-sleep, I answered the call. "What?" tamad na tamad na tanong ko. Halos hindi ko pa maibukas ang mata ko dahil sa antok. (I love you—) Mas mabilis pa kay flash na inend ko ang call ng marinig ko kung sino ang tumawag. Binato ko sa kung saan ang phone ko. Narinig ko itong tumunog pero hinayaan ko na lang ito.Another way to pester me. He really knows his ways. "Saan ka pupunta, Ate? Akala ko ba hindi ka a-attend sa party?" tanong ni Ella na busy pa rin sa pag aayos niya para sa party. She'll going to attend the party. "Do I need to ask permission or report to you everything I do?" I asked with my brow archedHumaba naman agad ang nguso niya. Kinuha niya ang coat niya na nakapatong sa kama niya at sinuot ito. We hav
Sixty-three"Ate," tawag pansin sa akin ni Ella ng dinantay ko ang ulo ko sa balikat niya. "I'm so sleepy. The presentation is so boring," I said yawning. My eyes unintentionally closed, because I freakingly am so sleepy. I woke up early in the morning just to hear some boring presentations? O freaking come on. "Just wake me up when it's done," tamad na tamad na turan ko. Kinawit ko ang braso ko sa braso niya para mas maging komportable ako sa paghilig sa kanya. Hindi naman na siya nagreklamo. "Just go back to your hotel room if you're just going to sleep here."Nagpantig ang tenga ko dahil sa narinig ko, at tila nawala ang pagkakaantok ko. Taas kilay kong tinignan ang nagsalita, it's Chaster na nakaupo sa likuran ko, straight face at emotionless lang ang tingin niya sa akin na tumagal ng ilang segundo bago siya nag iwas nang tingin at tinuon ang atensyon sa harapan. "Conceited pathetic idiotic moronic sleazy freaking creature," sambit ko. Muli niya akong nilingon, ngayon ay ma
Sixty-two "What do you want to talk about?" I asked with my brow furrowed as soon as I saw him sitting comfortably at the couch near the glass window of the restaurant. He smiled and wave his hand when he saw me. I just rolled my eyes. I placed my bag at the table and sat comfortably in front of him with my cross legs and arms. "Let’s eat first," he said instead answering my question. I flipped my hair beautifully with class. He started eating na as soon I sat down while me still busy showing my hates to him."Huwag mo kong masyadong titigan, baka mafall ka ulit sa akin." I chuckled sarcastically as I flipped my hair elegantly. "Excuse me? I'm not staring at you, it just happened that you're in front of me," I stated fiercely, baka isipin niya tinititigan ko talaga siya. "Fall my ass," I added. Doh? There's no hell way I do that. He chuckled as if he was so amaze on what I've said. "I'm just joking you don't need to be guilty." Agad nag salubong ang kilay ko dahil sa sinabi
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