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WHEN ASHES FALL 32
I dropped the phone from my ear and continued to look inside my closet.I’ll need more than just an outfit for our date.I’ll need several in case I see him again after Friday.Because I want to see more of him.Because I like him.Those thoughts were shaking me so hard.My head dropped toward my chest, and my hands caught my attention.I was holding them in front of me.Squeezing them around the phone.The large, round diamond was shining under the light.The platinum band was leaving a dent on the side of my pinkie and middle fingers.I’d put it back on when I was walking home after I threw up.Rose couldn’t see it.She wouldn’t understand.So, I didn’t wear it when I was around her.Or while I was at work because I didn’t want the questions.And, now, whenever I spent time with Smith since that would just make things impossibly messy.I’d just have to remember to take it off.Thirty-OneAlixPresent DayI got up from my workstation and went into the kitchen to grab the dinner I’d b
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I put my hand in the air and waved. “Hey.”“I heard you were back. It’s good to see you.”“Thanks.” I nodded. “You, too.”The one who had recognized me looked at the other officer and said, “Do you know who she is?”I couldn’t listen to his description of me.Not today.So, just as his mouth was opening to answer, I waved again and pushed my way through the door. I rushed up the stairs and hurried to my desk. After I put on the headset, I sucked in a deep breath and rested my fingers on the keyboard, my thumb gently tapping the space bar but not hard enough to actually press it down. My body tensed. The tips of my toes ground into the bottom of my shoes.I clicked to accept the incoming call.And I waited.Me: I’m home.Smith: You all right?Me: I’m good, just really tired.Smith: Try to get some sleep, and I’ll see you tomorrow.My reply was a sun.It felt much more fitting now.Thirty-TwoSmithPresent Day“I hope you’re hungry,” Alix said once I opened my front door where she stood
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She was just staring at the empty to-go box, running the fork through the frosting that had stuck to the sides of the container. “Hey, Smith?” she said when she finally glanced up.I was already looking at her.“Thank you for dropping it,” she whispered.I wasn’t sure if she was talking about our last date that hadn’t happened or her previous employment. But, when I saw her body slowly start to relax, it no longer mattered.My mother had once told me, she could always point out a junkie, even the ones who were trying to hide their disease. She could tell from their pupils, the way they turned to the size of pinpoints.I could do the same with pain.One day, Alix would tell me about the demons that haunted her, and I’d know the topics I needed to avoid.And, one day, she’d know why I never brought anyone to Roxbury.Holding both mugs, I walked through the kitchen and went out the back door, joining Alix in the garden. This was my favorite area, the space that had sold me on this browns
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As I hovered in front of her mouth, she reached into my hair and tightly gripped it.I didn’t move.My eyes just bore through hers.Waiting.Until she said, “Kiss me.”It was one of the hottest demands I’d ever heard.Her fingers released me, and my mouth slammed against hers.She winced as my thumb grazed her nipple.Not because I’d hurt her.That was her way of begging for more.And that was exactly what I was going to give her.With my tongue.Because making Alix feel good was the only thing I wanted right now.I popped open the button of her jeans. Once I lowered her zipper, I paused, waiting to see if she wanted me to stop.The only response I got was more moans.So, I stood from the couch and slipped off her flats. Her pants and thong came off next before I knelt in front of her.She was watching me.There wasn’t any pain.Just hunger pouring out of those fucking eyes.My hands circled her knees and slowly pushed her thighs apart until they were spread enough that I could see he
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Thirty-ThreeAlixPresent DayI got out of the backseat of the car I’d hired to take me home from Smith’s place and hurried up the five steps to my townhouse.When I got inside, my keys were placed in a bowl on a table in the entryway, and I set my bag on one of the barstools. I continued walking until I reached the middle of the kitchen.There were counters on both sides of me.To my left was wine.To my right were Smith’s flowers in a vase.They were still alive.Still beautiful.Oh God.I didn’t know what to do.I didn’t know how to process what I was feeling.What made it even worse was when my eyes shifted to the other side of the countertop and saw the note Dylan had written.And the cup by the sink that he’d left with just a tiny bit of water in it.And the engagement ring on my finger.The one I’d put on in the car after I left Smith’s house.Oh God.My feet weren’t steady.The earth was tilting beneath me, and I couldn’t find my balance.The air I was sucking in was becoming
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I wanted to laugh at how accurate Rose’s description was. Alix and I had been together for over a year, and I still hadn’t worn off on her. But just because we had varying tastes didn’t mean she wasn’t supposed to be mine forever.There was nothing I loved more than her.Not the business I’d built or the portfolio my fortune was invested in or the air I flew through.That beautiful woman was going to be my wife.Whom I would kiss every morning.Whom I would hold every night.If that meant I had to buy her the smallest ring in this entire store, I would.Her happiness was the only thing that mattered to me.And it was Rose’s only priority.Haifa’s assistant quickly returned, placing a tray onto the table. On it were three rings with stones already in them.“This one,” Rose said, lifting the middle one into her hand. She stared at it for several seconds, and then she held it out to me. “You don’t have to keep looking. This is the one.”Gripping the ring between two of my fingers, I rota
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This wasn’t a realization.We knew exactly where things stood.This wasn’t good-bye either.Saying that would be impossible.This was us admitting our relationship would never be more than what we had now.And I truly believed that until I heard, “I wish I knew now what I hadn’t known then.”My hand slapped over my mouth, stopping the sob from screaming out through my lips.Tears were pouring so fast; it felt like my eyes were bleeding.I didn’t want him to leave either.But voicing that wouldn’t change anything.And removing my hand from my face would just let out the cries I didn’t want Dylan to hear.So, the only thing left to do was to say, “Dylan, I’m not going to make it up to bed tonight.”“Do you want me to stay?”I felt sick.I was betraying both of them.Dylan could smell Smith all over me.And I was certain, at some point, Smith had known there was someone in my past whom I loved.The throbbing in the back of my throat was becoming more intense, the longer I avoided the que
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She relaxed, her face even lighting up when she answered, “Hockey, of course. I’m from Maine, so that should be a given.”“Good answer.”She took a drink of her beer. “My turn to ask something.” Her eyes narrowed, and I watched her think of a question. “Is chocolate your favorite kind of cake?”I took one of the peanuts, cracked it open, and emptied it into my mouth. “No, strawberry is.”“Really? I didn’t know anyone even liked that flavor.”“I do.” I ate another nut and washed it down with the spring ale. “So, that means, if you spend more time with me, you’re going to have to accept having strawberry in your life.”She laughed, and it was so beautiful—the sound, her expression, the redness that darkened her cheeks.“What would be your second choice?” she asked.“Lemon.”“Oh God, that’s the one I regret every time I buy it.” She was giggling harder. “I don’t know if I can finish this date now.”Her body was loosening even more.Every noise she made sounded lighter.This was a side I
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