Not Today.

I take one last look at the love of my life as he makes his way out of my apartment to go see the love of HIS life. He waves me goodbye and blows me a kiss I happily catch then I smile at his smile. It makes my heart skip a beat and he knows it.

"Bye Nugget," he says then disappears into the night.

It's been 10 years, 8 months, 65 days and counting. He says that I'm confused.

"You don't allow yourself to be loved," he always says to me, maybe he's right. But that's because my heart already belongs to him.

I try not to talk about it a lot because I fear pushing him away. My biggest fear is not having him in my life. So I swallow my feelings just so he's more comfortable in the friendship.

Tristan Brady is my best friend of many years. We met in high school when he'd asked me to tutor him.

I wasn't always into him. In fact, for a while I couldn't stand him. He was a walking cliché and I'd called him out on it.

He'd been shocked because no one had ever spoken to him like that before. He said that everyone always kissed his ass because he was popular. I'd asked him what was wrong with people wanting to be his friends and he'd responded saying they wanted the popularity, not him. He'd had many friends but no one really knew him. I'd realized I was completely wrong about him.

We'd hang out at his house after school and sometimes at mine. He says I'm the yin to his yang and there's simply no him without me. I feel the same way. Except I'm also completely and madly in love with him. For years now.

I've seen him change from being the biggest man whore I knew to falling in love and being monogamous. He's been with Meghan for almost a year now.

He came to my place to tell me he's ready to introduce her to his parents and that he'd like me to be there. Of course I'll be there. I'll be anywhere he wants me to be.

I look through my steamy window the following morning on the cold day of July and contemplate calling in sick for work. Being an accounts administrator for one of the top CAs in the country is just about as dull as it sounds. It's quite literally doing the dirty work while he takes the credit. Like being a nurse. I sigh then make my way to the shower after deciding against not going. My boss would kill me and still call me to come to work.

The wind not so gently touches my skin making me wince in displeasure as I run to my car in the parking lot. The soft calming voice of Alessia Cara fills the car as I turn it on.

"One day, the thought of him won't hurt the same." I sing as I navigate my way through traffic.

"Won't need distractions to get through the day." People always complain about the traffic in South Africa, I prefer it. It's a much needed time to myself.

"I guess I hope I'm gonna be okay," I turn off my car heater, it's making me sweat through my eyes.

"Cause I'm not today." I pull up to my work place, take a deep breath then make my way into the building.

I'm not a very popular person. Not because I'm shy, I just prefer to linger in the background. I'm the girl you always see at work or at the grocery store but know nothing about.

I pass the busy main reception, say hello to a few familiar faces then make my way to the small coffee shop on the ground floor.

"Hi Mia, the usual?" the sweet barista asks rhetorically already working on the order. I return the smile then greet back as we engage in small talk. "Alrighty, one cup of espresso and one cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows," he says as he hands me my usual order. I pay, thank him then hurry myself onto the elevator, almost missing it but a kind stranger stops it for me.

"Which floor?"

"It's already pressed," I answer him with a smile, not making eye contact. He notices this and smiles too. The elevator doors open and I speed walk my way into my boss's office.

"Morning Mr Romano," I greet sweetly but was met with silence so I just put his espresso on his desk and have a sit across from him like I do every morning. I watch him concentrate on the computer screen as I wait for him to brief me. I wonder what goes on in his head. The man is a genius but wasn't blessed much with manners. As if feeling my stare, he raises his head to say, "That'll be all thanks," then goes along with his work, completely disregarding my existence. Nothing new.

I then stand up to leave but my hot chocolate was sent flying through the air after my collision with a muscular figure. "Damn it Mia! Can you just look where you're going?" I hear my boss shout from behind me as I close my eyes in humiliation, ignoring the burn in my chest caused by the hot drink that landed there. I quickly apologize to the stranger then rush out of the office to my desk.

The day goes by fast. My boss drops paperwork for me to sort out every now and then. I have about a million other things I'm having to do but I don't mind the busy. It takes my attention away from my ranting mind.

Before I know it the day's over and I make my way onto the busy roads of the peak hours in Johannesburg.

"Oh, you don't know what sadness means," Alessia Cara sings, I always feel like she talks to my soul.

"'Til you're too sad to fall asleep," I look outside my window after stopping at a red light. A lady looking too unwell to be standing on the side of the road asks for change and I hand her a few coins.

"One day, I'll be snoozin' peacefully," I decide I'm going to have McDonald's for dinner as I turn onto the road leading there.

"But surely not today," I beg my heart to slow down. "Surely not today," the song ends and I decide to listen to something a little more upbeat to change my mood.

I enter my freezing apartment after a long day at work, immediately switching on the heater and heading into the shower. I close my eyes as the warm water travels down my cold body, massaging it. I feel him standing behind me.

He kisses my neck and draws circles on my nipples as I moan in pleasure. He turns me around and grabs my butt roughly making me flinch in satisfaction as I stand on my tiptoes to meet his lips. He tastes like a dream.

His lips move back to my neck and I turn my head slightly to allow him access. I feel his hard length on my thigh as he pushes his body against mine. He slowly moves his hand down from my chest, to my abdomen and eventually reaches my soft, wet folds and starts rubbing in a circular motion. I then grab his hard member and start stroking, slowly. He moans in approval then crashes his lips to mine again. His kisses are now hungry and urgent. He barely gives me time to recover before entering me. Rough, fast, deep. Our moans are in sync. He's the base to my harmony. I feel my climax nearing as I moan louder. His strides are faster and needy, I barely survive it as my legs go weak and my insides spill out. He follows suit.

I open my eyes after my episode then slide down the shower walls to sit on the floor. I imagine him kissing my forehand and letting me put my head on the crook of his neck, holding me lovingly. I sit there for a while before coming back to reality. He's probably with her right now. Holding HER lovingly. I have to accept that one day. But Not Today.