I Don’t Want To.

The sunlight attacks my pupils as I make my third attempt to open my eyes. There's a loud bang in my head making me wince in agony. I reach over to my bed side table to grab my phone but I seem to be on the wrong side of the bed.

I shuffle around until I'm left with no choice but to open my eyes. The action sends bullets up my brain and I let out another wince.

I blink a few times thinking my mind's playing tricks on me. This is not my room. I move my eyes to my body and internally swear as I stare at my naked frame. Memories from the night before resurface as I face palm myself.

I slept with my boss.

As if hearing my thoughts, he comes out of what I assume is the bathroom with a towel around his waist. His golden torso has drops of water traveling down his lower body, I can only assume he'd just gotten out of the shower the way his chiseled body glows. The stubble on his face practically begs for my touch. He clears his throat and I find myself wishing the ground would swallow me whole.

"Well if you're done gawking, I have visitors on the way and need to get ready," he says as he picks up his phone to look at the time. Asshole. Suddenly all my dreams of a future with him disappear as I look around for my clothes. I know when I'm being kicked out.

As I sit in the back seat of an uber heading home, I find myself smiling. I believe this is the overrated feeling of being alive. Last night I was really drunk and did things I otherwise wouldn't have done and it feels good. So defiant. 

I head straight to the shower when I get home to wash the sex off of me. Jake is surprisingly good in bed, I'll never tell him that of course. He was driving me home after we left the club because we don't stay that far from each other and we somehow ended up at his Penthouse. And well, the rest is history.

I always thought sex was supposed to be an intimate thing you shared with someone you have a connection with. I also imagined my first time being with Tristan, I'd thought about how magical it would be. But I'd instead lost my virginity to some guy I barely knew at a party Tristan had insisted I go to. I let my mind wander to when I started falling for him. 

He'd just had his heart broken by his first love and I'd never seen him so vulnerable. I'd been his shoulder to cry on and well, we kissed. It didn't mean anything to him, I know he just needed a distraction. But to me it meant the world.

I'd kissed people before and after him but nothing compared to the fireworks that came with our lips intertwining. They fit perfectly against each other, like they were meant for one another. I turn off the shower letting the remaining water drip down my body, mashing perfectly with my tears. 

This time I decide not to stay down, I instead go to the second bedroom of my apartment that I'd turned into a writing room. This is where I started expressing myself through my words as opposed to just crying every time.

"I double take at every phone that rings out of habit," I sing to the background music as I pour my heart out through my words. 

"I can't shake the little things, they're harder to manage." I dim the lights to get myself in the mood. 

"Whoa. I can't bury the past, but I'll bury the hatchet, Can we just pretend that this never happened?"

I hate that my heart still craves for him. 

"Every little thing is reminding me of you. Guess I'll set fire to my whole room" Alessia Cara continues to sing and I feel so understood. Although I'm still a mess, I've come a long way and my pain's somehow evolved into art. 

"I don't want to let it show but I still love you." I stop typing, breathe and let myself be present in this moment of realization. 

"And how do I let you know if I can't call you?" It's weird to think but the hurt has become my fuel. It's reconnected me to my passion. 

"And I don't want to be alone, no not tonight and I don't want to feel this blue. How do I let you go if I don't want to?" Eventually I'm going to have to respond to him. Even though I feel shattered, I still want him in my life.

And just like that, my mood changes. It's as if being honest with myself and admitting my feelings for him as opposed to oppressing them was what I'd been lacking. I'm learning that it's ok to feel. It's ok to be vulnerable. I'm also learning that no matter what I do, I can't make him love me, I shouldn't have to either.

I save my draft then make my way to my room after my little session. I then go to sleep for a few hours before tonight's festivities. 

Katie comes to my place a lot earlier than I'd been expecting. She forces me to wake up and we soon start getting ready to go out for lunch. 

"So you and Mr boss huh?" she asks as she wiggles her eyebrows, getting on my nerves. 

"Not in this lifetime," I say meaning it. The man is good looking no doubt, he's great in bed too but that seems to be all there is to him. 

"All I'm saying is you two looked rather cozy last night," she says as she tries on different lipstick colours. 

"Is that what it looked like? I mean sure we spoke more than a few times but I don't know if I'd use the word cozy?" I say but it sounds more like a question. The last thing I want is to be seen as another one of Jake's victims in the office. He's made such a reputation for himself and I'd like to not be a part of it.

"Well if you decide to jump on that, I'm in full support," she says as she decides to go for a glossy look and I nod my head in approval. 

"I mean it's not like he's trying to be tied down and anyways, my heart already belongs to someone," I say hoping to end the topic but that seems to do the exact opposite because, 

"Please don't tell me you're still not over that guy who's getting married." She says with an exaggerated sigh. I might've rambled about my Tristan situation last night when I was drunk. She says I need to cut him off for my own mental peace but I don't want to. I can't lose my best friend.

I decide to not respond to that as we finally get ready to head out. She just won't understand, and if we're going to be friends we need to get along.