Chapter 2

Following the passing of my father, my mother found love and decided to get married to a man named Justin Baker. As a young child of seven, I had not yet formed a concrete idea of what it meant to have a stepfather. Nevertheless, I was thrilled about my mother's happiness and excited at the prospect of having a new male role model in my life. My biological father's memory was hazy in my mind, and I was eager to form a bond with someone who could fill that void.

However, my brother did not share my enthusiasm. At twelve years old, he was already set in his ways and did not feel the need for a new father figure. To him, our biological father was irreplaceable, and Justin was nothing more than a stranger. This created tension and made it difficult for us to adjust to our new family dynamic. We had to move from our childhood home to live with Justin in Covington, a small town that was over two hours away from everything we knew. Despite this, we were lucky to be situated so close to larger cities, which gave us access to more opportunities and resources.

All in all, adjusting to a new member of the family was challenging, and it required patience and understanding from everyone involved. While it wasn't always easy, we eventually learned to accept and appreciate Justin for who he was and the role he played in our lives.

At first, having a fresh start was nice. I wasn’t the girl with a dead father anymore I was the girl with a happy family. My mom would cook dinner every night and we sat like a happy family taking turns sharing stories about our days. Fredrick started to warm up to Justin over time. They would go out hunting, camping, and sometimes fishing. I started to learn that life was what we make it and even though we were going to die at least I was going to make my life happy while I had the chance. Was this what my mom and brother meant by I would learn to accept things a little more? I was okay finally feeling this way. 

Around my 8th birthday, things went wrong. It’s funny the insignificant things that kids will remember. It’s the things that are out of the ordinary something that doesn’t happen every day that we remember. It was a few months before my birthday and we were planning what I wanted to do. I wanted to do a pool party, I wanted that big Barbie cake to eat as well. Justin was putting up the pool for the summer it was only April we still had a few months until we could use the pool or until my birthday came. I had learned as many girls do; that a father figure will do anything for their little girls. The excitement that Justin had on setting up for my 8th birthday I feel like a princess. He would wake me in the morning and we would go shopping to get things or put things up for my party to come. It was nice to have someone as excited as I was for my turning 8. I never felt like I wasn’t anything more than a daughter to Justin; was this what having a dad felt like?

The months moved forward, and we got closer to my birthday. Justin went out to set up my pool while he set up the pool he fell off the ladder on the pool and broke his ankle. Still to this day, I can hear the scream that he made my mom and I were outside planting flowers when he fell. I felt guilty for Justin getting hurt I was the one that wanted the pool for my birthday to be able to swim with my friends. I loved the outdoors. I did this to Justin he put so much time into making this party perfect for me. My mom and I rushed to his side I broke into tears apologizing. My mom called 911 for help to come and get Justin. He laid their eyes closed holding his ankle and not talking to anyone. He had a compound fracture and would be off work for at least 6 weeks while his ankle healed. 

While Justin was off work, my mom picked up a second job to make ends meet. I would see less and less of her. Fredrick took over planning my big birthday for me and Justin took up drinking to cope with his broken leg and being home helpless all the time. Justin got mean around this time he yelled and threw things demanding we get him things. My brother didn’t stand for this and would yell at him and tell him that he could get up and do things himself and that he wasn’t broken. I would just hide during these times I didn’t want to hear the yelling we were all so happy before. The day finally came Justin got his cast off and could go back to work, summer was finally here. It seemed like things were going to go back to normal, people can just get angry being upset over trivial things and now things were good for Justin so he should be happy, again right? Justin went back to work and there for a few weeks, it was like things were back to normal. That didn’t last long Eventually Justin went back to drinking he would be out all night my mom and he would fight a lot. 

Justin became violent and the town could hear him yelling late at night, rumors started to spread. When my birthday finally came only a few kids showed up and others didn’t parent would apologize to me and tell me that it wasn’t me and I could come over anytime. At first, I was okay doing things this way I didn’t like being at home anyway. That was until Justin began to drink so much that he lost his job and my mom went back to working evenings again. I was afraid to ask to leave or get grounded over small things. If I forgot my bookbag somewhere or my shoes I was grounded. I stopped being allowed to see my friends either they were bad kids or I was always grounded and they found other friends to come over. Slowly that isolated feeling came back. I think my brother caught onto it and would tell me to go and play and that he would deal with Justin. I finally got to be out and see my friends for some time until I came home one night and Justin was stumbling around the house he was drunk and yelled as soon as I came in that I knew I was grounded and I wasn’t supposed to leave. Fredrick stepped in and said he told me that I could go. I watched as my 13-year-old brother got beat I wanted to help but I froze there when I saw blood coming from his nose I ran and hid. 

I laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep that night, I thought about going to Fredrick’s room but I felt so guilty I couldn’t bear to get up and see the aftermath of his beating. Have you ever got to the point of feeling you just didn’t want life anymore? Not like wanting to kill yourself but you wanted someone to come and save you from the horror you were living? In this moment that’s what I wanted someone to come and take me away I didn’t want this to be my life any longer. As you can tell from my story this is no fairy tale with some happy ending. Months passed and nothing got better in the house Justin still drank and Fredrick and I walked on eggshells to not make him angry. The sad part of this story is I don’t think my mom had any idea whenever we had marks on us we never told her what happened. I assumed she would just know stupid of me, right? I just figured since he was mean to my mom that she would know. This was something I should have never assumed in life but as a small kid, I didn’t know and didn’t think this way. 

A year had almost passed we had three broken bones and multiple bruises and scars from having to deal with Justin. Don’t worry though the broken bones were from sports not him but metaphorically he broke us. At one point took us to the store and didn’t realize we were still in the store and left us there. It was a long walk but Fredrick made it fun while we walked 2 miles home. I almost didn’t want to go home and just stay walking. I often wondered if my mother would miss us if we left. I didn’t tell Fredrick this I knew he had so much more on his mind.

My birthday was coming up again; it had been a year since we went from a happy family to a shell of the people we once were. My mom asked me what I wanted to do for my 9th birthday this year. I didn’t make eye contact with her I knew what I wanted but how do you tell your mom what you want is for her to ditch the stepdad? At this moment I didn’t feel like a princess anymore I lost hope things would get better. I finally told my mom I missed our grandparents and that’s what I wanted for my birthday to visit them or for them to come to us. My mom got teary-eyed, was it because I brought up dad’s parents? Was it because she missed her own family? I hadn’t seen them in so many years it would be nice to see them. My mom wiped her tears and finally said that would be nice if she would invite them both down. I stood there shocked this was happening I was going to get to see them finally. How did I not know that all I had to do was ask? When my grandparents got there would they see what was going on was this what I needed all this time to change our lives? 

Justin didn’t offer to help me plan my party this time. Frederick asked what I wanted to decorate with and he would take me shopping. I replied I have everything I could ever want here. I gave him a hug for the first time in a long time I felt relief. The weeks passed as my birthday got closer I counted every day waiting for a reply from my grandparents. I came home from school I had another crappy day at school my friends were being mean all day I couldn’t wait to see my brother. He met me at the bus and scooped me up shaking me as he screamed they are coming. I thought I could throw up and cry from the excitement and being shaken so much. At that moment I realized that blood relatives are an endless love. How did I 8-year-old Bell get such an amazing brother and mother? I know what you thinking My life seems bad but I try to see the good in every situation. 

We were 5 days until my grandparents showed up and only 7 days to the best party I would end up having. It was easy to say that this was the most excited I had felt in some time. Justin found a job and had started it, he seemed much happier being back at his job and not drinking so much. It seemed like things were looking up for our family. I wasn’t hopeful that much would change seeing how it didn’t that last time. I was so happy to just get to see my grandparents that I didn’t want to pay any attention to them and focus on my family. 

The day finally came, my mom even let me take the day off school to go and meet them at the airport. My dad’s parents were the first ones in; Jane was shorter maybe 5’2 she had the perfect medium-length hair that didn’t move, she had blue eyes, and her smile made you feel warm. I was so happy to see her it had been years since I had seen her I ran into her arms. My grandpa Oliver was taller 6’2 slender built, He had brown gray hair, and he looked so happy as he waved to us as he walked up, his smile was sincere looking he looked like my dad, or I guess my dad looked like him. My grandma finally let me go and told me how happy she was to see everyone. She asked if she was the first one to show up and my mom nodded yes to her. My mom’s parents finally showed up they were about the same height her 5’7 him 6’0. Their names were Mamie and Ova my grandma had red medium choppy hair, she had curves still even with her age, and she had that goofy smile Oliver had. Ova looked like he still worked out, he had light brown hair, and he had more of a serious face to him. Everyone was in tears as we all hugged and said how we missed each other. It was like one big happy family. Jane finally wiped her tears and said okay guys let's get back to the house before we stay here crying and talking all day. My mom nodded leaning in to hug her one more time then said yes, we would get to the house and get settled in. 

When we got to the house my mom helped everyone get settled into a room. My brother came up to me and asked how I was doing. I was confused by this what did he mean how was I doing our grandparents were here I was so happy about that. He finally said that he hopes while they are here they will say something about Justin and help Mom realize that his not good for our family. Is this a possibility to finally be free of him? I didn’t want to think about that I was tired from the emotional day we had. It seemed like a fantasy I had thought about for many years that would never happen. I had to put the thought out of my mind, right now I just wanted to enjoy what was happening in my life. I went to my room to get around for bed I ended up falling asleep in bed with my light on. When I woke up I was under my blanket and my light was off. I’m not sure who put me to bed but I was happy to get a good night’s sleep. 

The few days leading up to my birthday it seemed like Justin was in a good mood being very happy about everything. My birthday day was finally here. The kids started to roll in and it was so exciting to see everyone finally showing up we did a dog party. Everyone got a little stuffed dog when they got there. We would walk them and take them to eat all the girls loved the idea. I spent so much time with my grandparents and my friends. It was the best birthday and no one got hurt this year. Justin was still drinking here and there and I wondered if something would happen. The party finally came to an end my friend Alane was still there waiting for her mom to get there. She asked me for a drink while she waited I went inside to get the drink and dropped it all over the floor. My grandpa Ova saw it and said Let me grab the towel honey Don’t move now don’t want to make the mess bigger. I stood there frozen waiting for his return. Justin came in yelling at me about the mess I made and asked me why I was just standing there and not cleaning it up. I turned to answer him but before I could get a word out he gripped up my arm and started to yell at me about what a mess I made and how I could be so clumpy to spill everything. He told me I was lucky that It was my party or he would beat me ass. My grandpa Ova walked in when he said this and said now that’s enough you release her now. He let go of my arm and I had tears in my eyes and ran to my grandpa. Justin didn’t say anything he grabbed his drink and walked away. When everyone finally left my grandpa said something to my mom and she excused him and said he just overdrung. My grandpa told her no that there is no excuse to treat a child that way and she needed to realize that. My mom ignored him and went to clean up after the party. 

The days passed after my party we went out with our grandparents and did things with them and went shopping. It slowly came time for them to return home I cried as we said goodbye and so didn’t they. My grandpa made another remark to my mom about Justin and that she needed to handle that before it got out of hand and he laid hands on us kids. I wanted to so badly tell him that he had laid his hands on us. When we are kids we never think to speak up for ourselves or tell anyone anything. We are almost like scared little kids. I just hoped my mom took his word to heart. I watched the little bit of family I had left get into a car and head back out of state. We didn’t take them to the airport this time they took a cab since it was so early. When would I see them again? That night was a sad night for our house. 

           The next few weeks went by and summer was finally over. It was time for us to return to school. Justin over the next few years mellowed out with the drinking and being angry all the time. I don’t know if my mother took what her father said to heart or if he finally just got over being mad about being off work. I was 12 finally I felt like it took ages to get through my pre-teens I was going to be turning 13 this year and I couldn’t wait. My brother would make fun of me when I would say things like only 10 more months until I’m a teen!! Yes, I know I’m technically just 12 and freshly 12 but you can’t blame a girl for being excited for the next step in life, can you? Fredrick however had just turned 16; he was always with his best friend Finn. Finn is tall with sandy blonde hair, he has these dark blue eyes that look like they have swirls in them, he is lean for his age but has a muscular-looking face. I think it’s the way he clenches his jaw. They met when they were 10 and have been friends since. They are both also on the swim team, my brother wants to be a Coast Guard rescue swimmer. They were both very good swimmers and would go to state and have a little competition with each other on who would compete that year. This was always a fun wager that they would have every year and would never care who would end up winning. They started out being on different teams until we ended up moving to the same school district Finn was in and they continued their little competition with each other. 

           My mom and Justin decided to further their careers and become firefighters. My mom is Justin’s boss it is a little funny to watch them argue about work. I got into singing and started working with this group called the Amber House. We get to go to singing competitions and have a lot of practice. It was finally here a good part of my childhood I felt like I waited so long for. My mom and Justin still got into arguments but who doesn’t anymore? I would learn to just tune them out and Fredrick and I had a lot going on, so we were never home. 

           A few weeks passed, and swim meets were over for Fredrick I asked him to take me to one of my singing competitions. My mom was supposed to show, up and never did I figured when she didn’t she was called out to work. My brother was always there to cheer me on for anything that I did in life. How could I have asked for a better brother? He stood back cheering me on while I sang I would always tell him how embarrassing he was standing in the small crowd with his arms up screaming whoooo. We got home later that night and my mom and Justin were in a fight; I told Fredrick goodnight and snuck into my room, so I didn’t have to deal with the arguing in the living room. The next morning my mom offered to take me out to celebrate my getting into another singing competition. My brother was gone by the time I got up around 10 a.m. I got dressed and met my mom out by her car. Justin came out and yelled at Katie she shut the door and went to see what he wanted I couldn’t make out what they were saying but Justin went back inside, and we left. 

           The day started great, we went to the movies and stopped to get ice cream. I loved the little outings we did; we would always laugh and have fun while it was just us too. When we got back home I took the things I bought to my room and plugged in my phone to turn on some tunes. I was in there for hours dancing and singing. You know how you get lost in time enjoying a moment to yourself. I was there when I looked back at my phone it was almost dinner time. I had been in my room for almost 3 hours listening to music and trying on clothes. If you’re a girl, you know that this is something teens would do. I turned off the music and went out to the living room, Justin was standing there, and my mom was on the couch crying I didn’t enter I knew they were fighting and I wasn’t getting into it. I went to the bathroom grabbed some snacks and headed back to my room. When I got into my room I heard my mom scream; did he hit her was she just upset? I heard more yelling and then I heard her scream again. I tried to peek out, but I didn’t want Justin to see me. All I could see was the two of them walking around and their shadows. I ran to Fredricks's room to get him to help. When I got to his room I realized that he still wasn’t home. I tried to dart back to my room, but I heard something get thrown or maybe something fell. I had flashbacks to when I was little and how Justin was I dropped to the floor in Fredricks's room and curled into a ball. I rocked back and forth and started to cry. I just kept saying Fredricks's name under my breath hoping he would show up and save us. Would someone hear my mom’s cries? Who was going to help her? I sat there for what felt like forever. I finally got up to go and see what was happening. When I got to the living room Justin was standing over my mom and she was crumbled on the floor with blood running down her face. In that moment I felt brave, like I was strong. I took that moment to leap onto Justin and started to just punch him like I was going to take him on and win I was there to save the day. What I stupid little girl I was. He tossed me like it was nothing at all. When I hit the ground, he started to kick me I curled into a ball and closed my eyes. I could hear my mom scream at him to stop but he didn’t and as he kicked me I heard him say you stupid little bitch you think I wouldn’t lay your ass out for trying to touch me I’m stronger I’m bigger. That’s the thing ill always remember he was stronger and bigger. He finally stopped kicking me and that’s when he threw something at me, I remained in a ball and my eyes clenched shut. Playing dead was the best way to go about things, right? Where was Fredrick and why wasn’t he here? Justin pulled me up by the hair and said I’ve waited for years to do this he grew back and punched me. I cried at then said please just let me go. He dropped me to the floor and I felt something heavy fall on me. I heard the door open I pushed it off me and ran to my brother I couldn’t see I had tears rolling from my eyes. I leaped into his arms and wiped my eyes and realized it wasn’t Fredrick but his friend Finn. I didn’t care at this moment I buried my face into his neck and started to bawl. Finn looked at my mom and said I’m taking her home and calling the cops. He carried me to his car and we sat there and waited for them to arrive. He called my brother and told him that he was taking me to his house and that he would need to come there and get me I was a little shaken up. 

           At that time, I didn’t speak to any cops about what had happened that day. Finn took me to his house got me a drink and sat with me in silence until my brother got there. Fredrick showed up and asked Finn what happened, they went outside to talk away from me. I wasn’t even curious to know what they were talking about. Fredrick came back in and picked me up and carried me to his car. I didn’t want to talk to anyone at this moment I didn’t know how to feel. When we got to the truck he had he asked are you hurt. I had to think about it I knew what he meant and how badly I was hurt because obviously, you could tell I was in pain. I had a bruise on my arm and my side, I had a cut on the side of my face. I took a minute to think and shook my head no. He lifted my chin, so I would make eye contact and said So you don’t need a hospital? I shook my head no again. Fredrick sighed then said food? I shook my head no again. We headed back to the house. When we got there, I started to cry again. I didn’t want to be here. Fredrick grabbed my hand and said he’s not here. I wish those words brought my comfort and the tears would now stop. It didn’t make me feel any better and though I tried not to cry I could still feel them rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t want to get out of the car and be in this house I over time grew to hate. I just wanted to sit in the car and pretend none of it happened. I could do that, right? Why couldn’t I wash away my bruises and cuts? The trauma of my life hurt more than my bruised left side or the scape down my cheek. 

Fredrick took me to his room and got me a drink set me up to watch some N*****x in his room and he made himself a bed on his couch and told me I could sleep in here. He left the room and came back with ice. He told me to lift my top and let him see my side. I hadn’t even looked where Justin had kicked me or how bad it may look. When I showed Fredrick I didn’t look down he didn’t make eye contact with me and that told me enough. He placed the ice pack on me and said keep it there it will help. I nodded I still didn’t want to talk yet. I laid down and got a show on I fell asleep then woke up in tears yelling please stop. Fredrick jumped up and rushed over to the bed and asked me if I was okay. I couldn’t even remember the dream I had I was just in tears. Why did I feel this way? Was this going to be something that haunted me? Fredrick got in bed beside me and ran his fingers through my hair like our mother did when we were kids. I turned and realized I didn’t know where our mother was. I gave Fredrick a terrified look when I realized it, it was like he could read my look Fredrick shook his head when I looked at him and said she’s not here. She’s at the hospital I got her settled there before I came to get you. I nodded and laid back down. The weeks went slowly my mom got out of the hospital with a broken rip and nose. She filed to divorce Justin and he moved out and was finally gone. I still woke up some nights in tears and would go into Fredricks's room to lay with him. He would have Finn stay some nights and I would crawl into bed with them at the end curled up. My mom decided that the best option was for us to get therapy for the situation and this was our fix-all. I didn’t know how helpful it would be, but I was okay with trying anything. At first, it was hard to talk about when I was younger or even to talk about the night that everything happened. I would change the subject a lot and avoid it. I told the therapist that I had moved past it and just wanted it to be in my past. This is what I wanted to truly believe but was it that easy to do? Why did this woman just blindly accept what I said? What did I know? I was in therapy for a few months. We talked about my goals and where I saw my life going. I had a lot of goals for a 12-year-old. We never really talked a lot about Justin how I felt it affected me or if it would be something that would cause issues down the road. The lady eventually told my mom I seemed like a wonderful little girl with a bright future. My mom hugged me and seemed relieved about it. I guess she hadn’t completely broken me yet.

           So, I would like to say that this was the worst of my life an abusive step further. I hate to break it to you guys this is just the beginning of things. I believed what this woman had said I finally had a bright future. I watched my mom get upset and ball her eyes out over this guy. I don’t want to get into too many details let’s move on to the next chapter.