Chapter 3

So, I am going to skip a few years ahead to when I was 14 and my brother was 19 years old. I still relied on my brother for a lot of things he took me to spend time with friends or would always let me tag along with him and his best friend Finn. I know he still has this kid as a best friend, but he is not a bad guy and is usually nice to me most of the time. I think he always feels bad for me since the day he came to the house and had to take me to his house. I can never live that down ill always be the sad little puppy in his eyes.

            So, let’s go back to my mom she’s still a fire fighter and you guessed it she still works with Justin. He came to the house a few times to apologize to us, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I honestly don’t know if they are still dating or not my mom keeps that part of her life to herself which I don’t mind because I keep my dating life to myself as well. I know 14 and dating don’t worry its nothing serious and my brother will eventually scare him off. He’s like my best friend and parent figure all in one. I like how he acts like he has no flaws and does no wrong I always just get told to learn from his mistakes.

            So, it’s around Christmas time we are about to enter in a new year. My brother has been out of school and still living at home which I love that he is. We have been planning something big for my mother for Christmas. We booked tickets for us to go and visit my grandparents. My brother has saved up from his jobs and I saved from some competitions I have won. When Christmas finally comes we go and get the tickets to give to my mother. I am so excited to give them to her I can’t wait to see her excitement. We stare at her very eager as she slowly pulls out the tickets and we yell we are going to visit our grandparents. My mom stares at the tickets and seems to be in disbelief that we got tickets to visit them. This moment was a good moment in my life. This is a time I look back on a lot. The time I got to spend with my grandparents is something I will cherish forever. We got to spend a week with both grandparents; we went out to eat, local shops, and we got to visit a little sandwich shop my grandma Mamie owned. I was ecstatic to get to help at the shop and cook. We finally got ready to leave and I asked if I could come and spend summers there and help at the little sandwich shop. My mom laughed, and my grams winked at me. I knew it was unlikely to happen, but I wanted to envision my life as if it did.

            We returned home and slowly got back into our routines in life. My bother came to school to get me in April ill never forgot this day. He showed up in my school to get me and was smiling like a fool. That was the one thing I noticed about him that he was weirdly smiling like he had done something. You guys get the smile, right? I just wanted to smack his arm and tell him to stop being odd. When I seen him the first thing I said was what are you doing here? I asked you to wait outside for me. The boyfriend I had at the time came over and gave me a kiss goodbye and said he couldn’t wait to see me this weekend. I know what your thinking and no it wasn’t like that we were suppose to be going to the movies his mom was taking us. You see the issue is no one knew I had a boyfriend at this time. So, of course my brother grabs his arm and says your excited for what? The kid was panicked and tried to wiggle away. He looked at me for help and I yelled at Fredrick to let him go. He didn’t though, he pulled him closer and said you better not be thinking your going to have sex with my little sister. I covered my eyes and said Fredrick please stop. He finally let him go and told him to run. Embarrassing I know. We got out to the car and of course the talk. He doesn’t make eye contact as he asks if I did sleep with him. I rolled my eyes and said no we have only kissed but thanks for ruining that boyfriend. He looked at me to say something and closed his mouth. We rode in silent all the way home. Ill just cover it now he did in fact ruin that boyfriend he refused to talk to me after that night.

            So, we got back to the house I asked to go to a friend and my brother shoots it down and offers to take me bowling. I was afraid he would tell our mom about my boyfriend but he says nothing. When we leave he talks to me on the way to bowling about waiting and having safe sex. His friend Finn is with us at this time so this talk was very uncomfortable. Finn stops the conversation then says hang on so you gripped up her boyfriend? Fredrick nods to him that yes that was what he did. He then laughs and looks at me and says good luck you did the right thing keeping the boyfriend hidden. I rolled my eyes and said I know if only it would have stayed that way. We got to the bowling alley and played a few games my brother and his friends cracked jokes throughout the night about my boyfriend. It only took 2 days for me to realize there was no salvaging that relationship. I guess you must love bigger brothers and them being protective.

            We returned home it was around 8pm, my mom had dinner ready and was waiting on us to get home. This night had so many things that happened in it. It was just me and Fredrick we had already took Finn home. Fredrick started to act weird at this point. He asks us to sit down there is something that he wants to tell us. We make eye contact then finally decide to sit down and see what it is Fredrick wants. He sits there in silent for a few minutes then finally looks at our mom and only her and finally says that he signed up for the marines and leaves in a month to start everything. I at first thought he was joking, why would he do this for? We both sit silent no one says anything. I still can’t wrap my head around what he says. Finally, he doesn’t look up from his plate and then says so you guys have nothing to say? I blurt out are you serious; right now? He shakes his head yes. Tears just start to roll down my face and my voice gets shaky and I said why? All I could think was the biggest piece of my life is about to leave and not be here when I need him. How can I get through life without him being there? I wasn’t ready to lose him yet. He then replies it will look good when I want to get into the coast guard. He wasn’t joking over the next month he gets things prepared to leave. My mom is so proud of his choices. I still can’t get over losing my best friend. We sat up a few nights talking about this. He promises to be there and will talk to me and video chat me all the time. I still feel in shock on how I can even get along in life without him. Have you ever got to the point where you feel like your mourning something? this was how I felt; like I was mourning our relationship. When he leaves; we will never be the same.

            May slowly gets closer, I know that its getting closer to the date that Fredrick will leave. I don’t even know how to say goodbye. The week before we spend time to just go out and do things together and we do all Fredricks favorite things. He signed up for 4 years and that’s all he said he wants to do. I will be I will be almost 19 when he finally comes home he will miss all my teenage years almost. The day finally comes I don’t want to get to much into details it was a hard day with a lot of tears. We finally said our goodbyes and off he went. I may or may not have acted a little absurd. I’m not saying I did or did not cling to his legs and beg him not to leave me. It could have been the family next to us saying their goodbyes that acted that way. I kept having to tell myself you got this Bell your strong you got this. Finn put his arm around me and hugged me, I think he could tell I needed it. I left with Finn he took me to get some ice cream. I didn’t want to leave and go home that night so I asked him to sleep at his house. He said it was fine so I let my mom know where I was staying. I know what you’re thinking that he’s a guy and how could my mom let me stay with a boy. It was never like that he became like a brother to me and it was nice to still have him around. He stayed up late and made plans on how we would keep in touch with Fredrick. We finally laid down to go to sleep and I told Finn thanks for hanging out with me It was just hard to go home without him. Weeks moved on and I talked to Fredrick anytime that I could. He finally got stationed in Japan. I spent a lot of nights at Finns so we could video chat and lost a lot of sleep staying up to get to talk to him for any amount of time that I could.

            Time seemed to go by very slowly my 15^th birthday came and went nothing special for this day and it was the first time I spent a birthday without Fredrick. I felt like I was lacking guidance in my life without him there who was to tell when what I was doing right or wrong in life. My mom tried to reach out to me and plan things to do for us. I loved that she tried I was still heart broken to have another year with no Fredrick. I started to spend a lot of time with my friend Elise. Elise was tall red hair, light honey like brown eyes, and she was very athletic. We have been close and go to singing competitions together. I think my mom was happy I finally started to spend more time with someone that wasn’t my brother. I can understand my friends were never a big part of my life they were just there when I was bored. I am happy I got to have a closer relationship with her. She also had a big crush on Finn, she always wanted to hang out with him. He was always there to pick us up when we needed saving from getting to drunk at a party when we needed a ride. It usually was me, Elise, Avery, and Jake. Avery was shorter brown hair, green eyes, he was a normal build you know not fat but not in shape either. Jake was just a little taller than Avery he was normal built and blue eyes. He was the silent type and Avery was chattier outgoing. We all got along well and would go to little get together and drink after our practice. We all became a buddy system to make sure we didn’t do anything stupid when we drank. If there was anything posted about us we could be kicked out of our singing group. I had to stop Elise from skinny dipping, Avery from getting talked into some drugs, and poor Jake from passing out on the lawn. We spent that night deleted photos from people’s phones and dragging him inside. We always had each other’s back in these situations. I’m not excluded in our little duo I got on top of someone cabinet and sang its getting hot in here, you nelly. I seen the video before it was forever erased not my proudest moment. Jake had to save me from a fight with a bush I was sure it was some girl trying to hook up with my man and I was going to take them out. Poor Avery was left to explain to me that I was single and trying to fight a bush that was winning. We all did things and our system worked great.

            We ended up at a party that someone from school threw. Elise couldn’t make it she left for vacation with her family before the party was. So, it was just me, Avery, and Jake tonight we talked about vacations we were going on. My mom booked us a vacation in Florida we were leaving in 3 days. Earlier in my story I talked about how much this vacation meant to me and soon you will understand why. I was happy to go to this vacation and get some time with my mom I feel like we never spend enough time together. Avery was going to visit his family for a reunion in New York. Jake was going to Europe with his dad to tour his business. He wasn’t as excited to go spend two weeks with just his father. We slowly got drunk as the night went on we played beer pong and sang horribly. Avery’s girlfriend showed up and drank with us. Everyone was leaving or falling asleep I called Finn to come and get me but he didn’t answer. Avery had already left and it was just me and Jake left there. Jake went to leave when I stopped him, turns out he only lived a few houses away. He told me he was sorry he could try to get me a ride we spend an hour with no luck. I finally told him I guess I was staying. I gave him a hug and he went to leave. I sat down and continued to drink. There was a friend from school sitting by me and offered to smoke some weed with me. Jake waited to leave so he could smoke too. We sat there for another hour laughing and talking with this friend. He pointed me to a room I could sleep in if I wanted to that almost everyone went home. I thanked him, he asked if we wanted to smoke again and we said yes and went to his room to smoke some more. He asked a few times in a joking manner for me to show my boobs and he would smoke more with us. I turned him down and felt a little nervous. I moved closer to Jake I felt like this was one of those times a girl gets put into a bad situation. We walked out and Jake went to leave, I grabbed his arm and told him I was pulling the friend card. I took him out back and told him that the kid gave me the creeps what if he tried something and I was by myself. Who would help me. Jake laughed and brushed it off. We walked back in the kitchen and there he sat at the table and said night to us. I stared at Jake. He sighed then said fine let’s go to the room. Usually we all would stay together anyway and Jake and I shared a bed and Elise and Avery would. Elise had liked Avery for years but he had a girlfriend so this was the closest she got to pretending to be his girlfriend; women are strange sometimes. Elise seemed to just like everyone she was always in love it was Finn, Avery, or some other guy. I wasn’t this boy crazy.

            We walk into the room I am still worried about the kid we went to school with. This wasn’t the first time he had made comments to me. Have you ever felt that panicky, uneasy feeling about someone? That’s how I felt worried about what was to happen next. I laid next to Jake we talked about our friends and singing and finally we started to drift into sleep. I woke up to him kissing my neck. I woke up and asked him what he was doing. I felt a little groggy and he apologized and told me about how he had liked me for awhile but was to scared to tell me. I felt flattered that he liked me. I jokingly asked so should we date then? He laughed and sat up and asked if I was being serious? I stayed laying I was still to tired to sit up. I nodded and said sure we get along great why not give it a try. We snuggled up in bed and I just smiled I had a boyfriend. I started to fall back asleep entangled in his arms and was awoken again by him kissing me. This time me moved from my neck to my lips he pulled me close to him. I knew he was 2 years older than me but he was really good at kissing. Things started to move forward from here and got hot and heavy my shirt was pulled off as we continued to make out. He then slowly started to pull off my pants and I realized where this was heading. I stopped his hands and told him no, he didn’t hear or didn’t listen my pants were at my ankles and I felt very exposed and said Jake. He stopped and tried to kiss me and I pushed him away, I then explained I wasn’t ready to have sex with him yet. The kissing and even feeling a boob I was okay with but nothing more. He sat back and looked a little shocked then said so no to the sex then? I laughed and said yeah let’s try dating some and then we will get there. He brushed his hair out of his face and said oh okay, that’s fine we should probably get sleep then. I found my shirt and put it back on and asked for my pants. Jake found them and handed them to me, we laid back down together. He leaned down to kiss me goodnight. I never understood when my mom would say to me that my hormones were all over the place being a teen. I think in this moment is possibly what she was talking about. I felt like I had no filter or to dense to realize this would lead us to the same place. we started kissing again he pulled me on top of him and then rolled to him being on top of me. Clothes started to be removed again. I didn’t even realize he was naked when we were back to my pants being pulled down. I then stopped him again and said I’m sorry I’m not comfortable with this. I don’t know why he was trying again I thought we were on the same page on the matter. He sighed and put his head down then went on a rant about what a bitch I was and was this fun for me to tease him and do nothing. My voice got shaky he was making me feel bad I never realized how it may have appeared to him I didn’t mean to be a tease at all. I said I was sorry again and offered to sleep at the other end of the bed if it would make it easier. He laid back next to me and said he was sorry he didn’t mean to push like he did he just really liked me. I rolled close to him and said I really like you to I just want to be ready to have sex with you and right now I’m just not ready. He kissed me again and leaned into me kissing my neck. I leaned into him and we went back to making out. I know what’s wrong with me I’m falling for it again how could I have been so stupid. Where were my red lights screaming you should leave the bed, run Bell? I had none of that going on to help prevent this from happening. Kissing led to touching then we went to the underwear. I pushed his hand away and realized he wasn’t going to stop and I told him that I needed to get my pants. He pushed me back down to the bed and said hang on you’ll like this just let me try. I fought with him to please stop I didn’t want to. He just kept shaking his head repeating that I would like it just let him try. My underwear was finally off nothing had happened yet but I was in tears and said Jake please stop. I tried to pull him back up to me to try and reason with him. He pushed me back down and told me no, that if I would just stop I would like what he was about to do. I’m happy you thought this, so confident in yourself, why was it so hard for you to see that it wasn’t that I didn’t want you I did I just wasn’t ready yet. How could you not see the damage you were about to do? The sad thing is I didn’t even know the damage that would truly be done either. You will see what I mean later.

This next part isn’t for the weak of hearts you may want to skip to the next paragraph. Once you read the next part you can’t go back you can’t undo what you are about to learn, trust me I figured this out the hard way.

I tried to wiggle away saying I needed my pants, please let me get my pants. I don’t think Jake even listened at this point he was down by my legs; maybe not seeing my face made it easier for you to do this to me. I wouldn’t want my crying to ruin your good time. He kissed my thighs try to pry open my legs as I fought him. He lifted my legs into the air and pulled me closed I asked him again to stop, I screamed out Jake please just let me go but my reasoning didn’t matter at this point. He either blocked me out or the pleading and begging didn’t bother him and was only I turn on, this I will never know the truth.  He shoved himself into me I stopped fighting at this point it was too late I put my hands over my face and started to bawl. I know I still should have stopped him but what happened after this point didn’t matter the damage was done, I was dead at that point. My hysterical crying didn’t slow you down though did it. You continued eventually I stopped crying and just laid there waiting for you to stop. You grabbed my boob and leaned into me as you thrusted back and forth. I didn’t react to you I just kept thinking this can’t take much longer it has to be over soon. You leaned closer to kiss my trying to put your tongue into my mouth I clenched my teeth shut so you couldn’t. This still didn’t stop anything you did, you moved to my neck to kiss me. I don’t know how you enjoyed this or got off, but you did.  I hope you one day read this and see what you did how you broke something in me. I didn’t feel how I thought I would, it felt like you stole my toy and destroyed it and I couldn’t ever have it back. It made me feel empty. After you were done you laid next to me and said I told you that you would like it. I curled up and rolled away from you. Did you really think I enjoyed it? I went to sleep and the next morning before you woke I called Finn to come and get me. I hope the memory of me crying haunts you forever. I know what your all thinking some way to lose my virginity; don’t worry I’ve had sex before with a sweet boy just our relationship wasn’t that important. I do understand that this isn’t how sex should be. I couldn’t help but think if I had my brother around maybe I wouldn’t be like a lost sheep, maybe I would have more sense from learning from him. I thought about my relationship with my mom maybe if I tried harder she could have warned me about these situations and I wouldn’t be where I am. What do you think? Doesn’t really matter now does it, what’s happened has happened and it will now have an impact on my life that I never will truly realize until it may be to late. We will come back to that though.

            Finn showed up, I tried to play it cool and thanked him for getting me. He told me I smelled like weed. He pointed to a shirt he had and told me I may want to change. Stupid guy I wasn’t taken my clothes off around anyone. I laughed and said ill just sneak in my mom may not even be home. We talked about Fredrick and that he would be coming home in a few months for my sweet 16^th. I got home and went straight to my room I called Elise. I couldn’t even tell her everything that happened. I think she could hear the struggle in my voice and got the jest of what happened. She stopped me and said you don’t have to admit to anything you don’t want to. I will back you up if he tries to say anything about it. It didn’t happen he’s nuts. I smiled and said it didn’t happen and if it didn’t happen I couldn’t be affected right? I truly believed this for a long time. I didn’t have to deal because it didn’t happen. It could be so simple, nothing happened so how could I be sad, how could I be haunted when a man would touch me? These were things I told myself, oh the lies we tell ourselves and how we truly think it doesn’t affect us in any way because we wouldn’t let it. You would be surprised if you think back on things and how it effects the way you process things on act in certain situation. I smiled and thanked Elise and we never spoke of it again. I got in the shower and went to talk to my mom. Should I tell her? I didn’t, she asked me if I was packed to leave only two more days. I smiled and said I needed to I’m so behind on everything I was so wrapped up in the fact Fredrick was coming home. Why was I lying? Why didn’t I say something? I went to pack. I didn’t see or talk to Jake before we left. Mom this is what I meant by me needed a lifeline. I didn’t even know it at the time but I was sinking into a dark place and I needed help out. I know I was snooty and not in the best mood at the beach. I said some things I can’t take back. I wish that I could take it back. I wish we would have talked more, maybe I wouldn’t have been in this situation if I had your guidance. Who knows though I guess things will happen. We returned home, the trip was amazing minus my attitude I had at the time.

            My birthday was finally getting closer I couldn’t ask for anything better than to have my brother home for my birthday. I still hadn’t talked to Jake he tried to contact me a few times and I didn’t even know how to talk to him or what to say. I went to singing practice and he asked me if we could talk I told him no, that I had nothing to say and he needed to leave me alone. Elise kept him from talking to me and following me as I left. We were leaving that night to go to get Fredrick and I didn’t need something like Jake ruining that for me. I talked my mom into leaving for the air port a few hours early. We sat there and waited for his plane to land. I didn’t want to think about the other night and the things that happened, but I couldn’t help but think about it. I was more scared of having to talk to Jake eventually than what happened that night. Isn’t that just crazy?  It was finally time for Fredricks plane to land, When I finally spotted him, he was in uniform. I ran to him and jumped into his arms. He laughed that I was crying then said he had only been gone almost a year. I laughed wiping my eyes and said it was a lifetime to me. I hated how dependent I felt on my brother. We got home, and Fredrick stayed up all night talking with me. We talked about my boyfriend I had that I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I was a little scared how he would take it, but he said I guess it had to happen sometime. I nodded taking a drink of my soda. He asked me how it was? He corrected himself and said not like if that sex was good or not but was it mutual? Did I feel okay after it happened? I didn’t think about my first time with Ollie or the many times after. I thought about Jake and how I felt when that happened, I felt broken inside. I wish I would have told Fredrick this I don’t know why I didn’t I tell him everything.  I did contemplate about telling him about what happened to me, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. I just wanted to put it behind me and enjoy the little bit of time I had with my brother he was only here for a week. I smiled at him and told him yes that it was mutual and we dated for 6 months but it just didn’t work out and we decided to split but still talk. Fredrick smiled and said good he didn’t want to have to beat up a kid for taking advantage of his sister. I didn’t make eye contact and smiled. I felt guilty by keeping it in but to me it didn’t happen so there was nothing to tell.  My birthday was in a few days and I couldn’t wait to have a party.

            The night before my birthday my brother and Finn took me out to hang out with some of his friends. My brother was 20 and Finn was 19 at the time, they drank with some friends and shockingly my brother allowed me to drink. I brought Elise with me, so she could hang out with Finn. At the end of the night my brother took us home, he woke me up to tell me I had a friend there to tell me happy birthday, he smiled then kissed my forehead and said Happy sweet 16 Bell.  I wondered who it was since I had Elise with me. I walked out to the front lawn and it was Jake. I ran up to him and asked him what he was doing he told me he wanted to tell me happy birthday. I could tell he had been drinking, I asked him to leave. He clung onto me and told me that he loved me he wanted us to get married and have kids. I stood there thinking about how he could possibly think this was an option. I pulled him from me and told him again he needed to leave. He pulled me close to try and kiss and I started to panic that it was happening all over again. I started to cry and just started to repeat I’m only 15 please leave me alone, I’m only 15. I don’t know why this was relevant at the time but in my panic state that’s what came out. I know technically I was 16 but it was the first day of it so in my head I was 15. I didn’t want to have to explain to my brother what was going on, but I wanted to call out to him. Finn pulled in, he got out and said Bell and threw his hands up. He came over to me and started sing happy birthday to me; he was still drunk from us going out. He gave me a hug and said finally 16 how do you feel, I stood there for a moment and realized I’m finally 16. I told Jake he needed to leave and walked with Finn inside. I still couldn’t help but think how could this person think anything that he did was okay? Was I wrong in the way I felt about the situation. I pushed that back that it didn’t happen either and it wouldn’t affect me either. I took Finn to Fredricks room and I went back to bed.

The later that morning everyone woke me up singing happy birthday to me. My mom took me to get my license that day and I got to have Fredricks car. I was so happy to get to have it. I didn’t need a new car. My party came, and girls showed up from school mainly to see my hunky brother as everyone called him. I learned to not like these girls. I thought for so long they were my friends everyone wanted to know or talk to my brother. When he left I got made fun of at school and lost a lot of friends. When Frederick left there was one day that I went in with my hair messed up and everyone pulled their desk away from me that they didn’t want to be around the smelly kid; who knew messy hair would make you the smelly kid. I was forever the smelly girl. I found other things in life to bring me joy I got use to not being liked. I tried to not let me get affected by these girls either one day they would be fat mom and have a miserable marriage, that’s what happens to superficial bitches. That is at least what Fredrick would say, superficial girls are okay to sleep with but never to settle down. I smiled at the girls and tried to be nice as they asked me where my brother was. I smiled then said he wasn’t coming it was just all us girls today. I walked away; my brother was in fact coming he just ran to Finn’s and was coming back closer to the end. I hoped these girls would leave but I didn’t want to throw them out in front of my mother. She tried her best to put together a party for me. I was sad to see the girls decided to stay. Elise finally showed up and gave me a hug, she had Avery with her and his friend Kam. I was happy to finally have someone to hang out with. My brother finally showed up and we did cake and opened presents. Elise had to take the boys home, so she didn’t end up staying. Jana form my school was the last of the dumb bitches to stay to try and talk to my brother. She was tall blonde skinny perfect makeup you get the type. She was hanging on my brother talking in his ear. I didn’t need this girl that make my life hell trying to weasel into my life, I yelled at Fredrick and said I’m sleeping in your room tonight!! Drinks and binging?? Fredrick pulled Jana back then yelled at Finn drink and binging? He gave a thumbs up and Fredrick yelled back at me and said anything for you Bell. Jana gave me a shitty stare. I didn’t really care about that I really did hate her. 

It was getting closer to Fredrick leaving again he started to pack up and asked me if I wanted to stay in his room for his last night and have a movie night. I ran over to Fredrick and in tears gave him a hug. We got drinks and sat up watching movies. I went on about the girls at the party and how school was. Fredrick set up on his bed and went into parental mode on me and asked if he needed to talk to mom for me, I shook my head and said I didn’t like the girls. When did lying to my brother happen I was shocked as I said the words the reality was these girls made my life hell. I wanted to talk to him more about what all was going on with my life, but the fact was he wasn’t there everyday anymore to help make my life better.

The next morning, we loaded Fredrick up again to take him back to the airport. We stood in his room looking at the life he was leaving again. He hugged me and said Bell you know I’m here for anything you need even if I’m across the world. The water works came again I’m a crying mess shaking my head. Our mom yelled down the hall for us to hurry up and get loaded. It was hard seeing him leave again; Finn didn’t come this time he had to work and had already said his goodbyes. I went to his house when he got off work in my new car. I have to say that when your 16 its exciting to have a new car. We sat and talked, I talked to him about the girls at my school and he told me the same thing Fredrick use to once say. Women are superficial don’t make it in the world so don’t let them get to me and he was always there is I needed him. We laid down and watched some tv it was an old cartoon he tried to explain but I didn’t get. I finally started to nod that I got what he was trying to say then I finally went to sleep.