Chapter 4

A few weeks has passed since Fredrick left. I got a new boyfriend; the guy that came to my party with Elise his name is Kam. He’s tall 6’4 with red hair and brown eyes. I like when he talks and just stops to smile at me. He has been very sweet over the past few weeks. I would like to say school has been better but mostly I just hate 11^th grade. When I’m at school I feel like no one can get along and I always feel lonely. There was a picture of me taken that was circulated around school. Let’s just say I became a lot of boy’s screen savers in school; who knew changing in a locker room meant please come and take a photo of me.

I got to a dark moment in my life, I felt defeated in life. I sat in my room one-night thinking about how life would be without me in it. Was it worth it to me not to have to deal with this shit anymore. I kept thinking I just had a year left and next year I would be out of here. Life had to be better out of high school, right? I needed something to make me feel alive and worth living. I went to cutting, I didn’t want to do drugs all the time I had plans for my life. When I put the razor to my leg it didn’t even hurt I felt relived. It was like so much feeling had built up and I was finally able to release them. I sat and would cry for hours, I would just make a few cuts, but this helped me finally feel. Why did I feel so emotionally disconnected in my life; the sad thing was it had been like this for most of my life. I cleaned up my mess and would hide what I did and go on about life. I tried crying, smoking, and did a few pills none of it made me feel the way I did when I would cut into my flesh. I was like all my feelings were trapped inside trying to get out and this was the way to finally let them out. Don’t worry I didn’t make a habit out of this and found another outlet that was well a little heathier but we won’t get into that yet?

Elise showed up at my house and took me out to go shopping, for a date I had with Kam. I was excited we had been together for about a month and things were going great. I found this blue dress with stripes on the bottom half. We went to the movies, we spent most the time making out during the movies. We went back to his house he was 18; when we got to his house he got me a drink and we picked out a movie. My mom thought I was at Elise’s, so I could spend the night with Kam. We sat on the couch and Kam asked if I wanted something to eat I nodded yes and he went to make us some food. I was starting to feel a little nervous we were finally going to have sex at some point. I was pretty sure we were at least. He came back, and we cuddled together and started the movie. We didn’t get far into the movie and he slipped his hand down my shirt. I arched my back, so I could kiss him. We moved to the floor where I removed clothes and he got naked. He tried to talk me into giving him head and I told him no I didn’t really want to. He kept trying to push it and I got mad and bit him. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do at the time; I panicked. We sat back down he asked if I liked him I said that I did I just wanted to work to that this was something I had never done before. He leaned and started to kiss me again we got to removing my underwear. I started to panic again I knew I wanted this but why did I feel this way again. I didn’t say anything and started to crawl away he laughed and pulled my leg saying get back here. I knew he thought I was just playing around he was behind me and pulled me into him. I started to cry instantly, I refused to turn around and made him stay behind me. We had sex a second time it wasn’t as bad as the first time, but I still felt that uneasy feeling. I told him I couldn’t stay I had to get home; he grabbed my arm kissing me telling me he really wanted to hold me tonight. I smiled and kissed him back and said I was sorry I had to leave.

I drove around for a while that night. What was wrong with me I really liked this guy, and this was how I acted. I hoped he didn’t hear me cry I didn’t think he did. I missed having Fredrick around to talk to; I drove past my house a few times and decided to go to Finn’s I called him when I got outside. He didn’t answer I went and tapped on his window. He opened it and helped me inside. I don’t know why I came inside the window Finn lived by himself. I laid in his bed he looked at me and said its to late go to sleep we will talk in the morning. I laid in my normal spot head buried in his neck and wrapped in his arms. In the morning he made some breakfast and he finally said so what do you need to talk about? I first asked is our relationship weird. He shrugged and said what do we care? I laughed then said so I had sex with my boyfriend cried and left his house. Finn looked over at me and said did he force himself on you? I said no. He asked again if I was sure? I laughed and said yeah so what do I do what’s wrong with me? He set his coffee down and said what do I look like a fucking guru or something. I put my head down and said so I’m on my own huh? He nodded going back to his coffee. I started to grab my things to leave and he said Bell you ever need anything I’m always here don’t let people take advantage of you. I blew him a kiss and said bye kid I got to go. He waved, and I was off.

I hadn’t looked at my phone all night. I was shocked that Kam texted me a few times to ask me if everything was okay and told me goodnight. I sent him a text back sorry I crashed, mom needed me I really had to get home I can’t wait to see you though. I think I just needed to push through this awkward moment. I arrived home and my mom wasn’t home. I went to my room to grab some things to get a shower. When I got out my mother was in the kitchen she called out to me. I walked into the kitchen my mom looked like she had been crying. I ran over to her and asked her if she was okay? She opened her hands and there laid my razors. I had been caught. I didn’t say anything what was there to say? Sorry mom I feel like I’m emotionally dammed and this makes it seem easier to bare life. I guess that’s what I should have said. My mom wiped her tears then said Airabell in a soft voice. It crushed me seeing her this way. She continued why? I just don’t get why you are cutting yourself. Is it because your brother is gone? I shook my head. I mean maybe it was because he wasn’t around. My mom had a plan she was going to take me to therapy and get the help I need. She made me an immediate appointment. The way there she kept telling me how beautiful and smart I was. I didn’t know how to talk to my mom and tell her that I knew this and it wasn’t why I was cutting myself. I could see what I was doing was causing her pain and I didn’t want that she has had enough in her life. Is this how she felt about me? I wish she knew all the pain I was going through. I went to a different therapist this time and had high hopes I would get better results. When we got there, I went in to talk with the new lady. Her name was Carleen, she was short, messy bun, comfortable clothes, and green eyes. She gave me the shy librarian feel about her appearance; this made it easier for me to talk to her. I seen her for a few months at first, I was very open and talked about why I was cutting myself, my brother, my boyfriend, and Finn. I didn’t care for the feedback I got about my life I didn’t want to listen to what I was doing that was destructive. I mean hasn’t she ever heard sometimes you have to make your mistakes to learn. I eventually stopped going. I told my mom that I felt like the sessions really helped me deal with not having Fredrick around; I also talked my mom into not telling him either that he would feel like it was his fault that I was doing this. She agreed not to tell and to keep it between her and I. This was our first little secret we had, look at us go being mother and daughter.

A few months had passed Christmas was coming again. Fredrick couldn’t make it home this year. I didn’t even want to celebrate. My mom got called out, I decided to leave to my boyfriend Kams. Things were still going good with us, we were working up to us being together for 6 months. The sex got better, I didn’t know at the time but I still wasn’t comfortable with him in bed. I was nervous to explore things. To try different things with us. The night finally came, Kam said he planned a romantic evening for us. I got all dressed up and waited. Finn stopped by to get something he had left in Fredricks room, he asked what I was doing? I told him waiting on Kam it was our 6 months and we were going out. I sat talking with Finn and realized it was 8pm and Kam was supposed to be there at 7pm. I called him and he was drunk; I could hear people laughing in the background. I just said so you’re not coming? I got babe, I totally forgot about it. Someone came over and he was showing him something. Finn grabbed my phone and ended the call. He grabbed my arm and asked are you okay? I turned away before I cried and said yeah, he just got tied up no big deal. Finn grabbed my arm to pull me face to face with him like he could see into my soul and read my feelings and said okay well grab your bag lets go. I stood there not moving and asked why? He shoved me and said come on I want to show you something. We got in the car and drove to a car wash to get his car cleaned. We stopped at a burger joint I was over dressed for. We then went to the mall and walked around for a few hours. We decided to get each other a gift and try to guess what each one had bought. We stopped to grab some alcohol and went back to his house. We sat up drinking and trying to guess each other’s gifts. He got me a goofy looking hat and I got him some gigantic fuzzy dice. We both laughed, he took a crappy night and made it into a good one. We talked about him and Elise, he told me that he just didn’t like her, he said I know there isn’t a line of people dying to date me but she’s just not it. I being the smart ass that I am got up and looked outside saying yep your right no line of girls out here. Fredrick called, Finn hesitated to answer then finally did. I screamed Fredrick I love you!!! His smile faded then he said are you drunk? I nodded my head yes. He then looked at Finn and said dude what did I tell you about hanging out with my sister like this? It isn’t okay man. Finn apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again. I chimed in saying what is wrong with us hanging out. I don’t get it we have known each other forever. Fredrick looked at me and said your too young to understand. He then said he had to go and was gone. I hated people saying I’m to young. I looked at Finn and said okay kid spill we know he won’t tell me. Finn didn’t look at me and said that he told my brother he thinks he may like me and he wasn’t happy about it. I sat there and laughed saying well I hope you like me. Finn looked up at me and I said oh. He nodded and said I think we should get some sleep now. How did I now see this, I thought we were like siblings and he likes me? Did I like him? I laid down with him and went to bed. The next morning, he was up and gone there was a note saying sorry I had to leave to work and didn’t want to wake you please lock up.

We didn’t talk for a while after this. I tried to reach out to him but he didn’t reply. I hoped that Kam would make things up to me with missing out on doing something together for our six months. He didn’t seem to care that he missed it at all. I soon realized that I didn’t like the person I was when I was with him he made me not like myself at times. I went to go to his house to break up with him. When I got there, he was in bed with some brown-haired bimbo. I walked out and didn’t even say anything to him. I guess that this was for the best.

I went back to cutting that night. I felt like I had so many emotions happening and I needed things to slow down for a minute. I felt like this was helping me it was heathy for me to do this. I didn’t realize at the time that it wasn’t something that was being helpful I was only hurting myself more. I sat in the shower crying. I wasn’t crying because of my boyfriend or Finn I was crying because I felt very alone again. Why does this feeling stay with me. Why didn’t I say something to Finn when he said he liked me? I felt like my life could be explained with the song by Michelle Branch All You Wanted, I know your going to look up and listen to the song. Let’s take a moment to enjoy it and really listen to the words in the song. I would sit in my room for hours listening to music, it never helped me feel better. I wished there was something that I could take to be a fix to the way I felt and just feel happy again.

My Junior year was over, and I was about to start school as a senior. My life was going to change soon. I would be leaving to college and starting fresh making something of myself. My mom took me on a tour of some school. I thought about moving away but I didn’t want to be like my brother. I hadn’t decided what I wanted to apply for yet. My mom took me to dinner after our tour to talk, about my future, what I wanted to do, and how I planned to accomplish this. I wish I had these answers for my mom. When my mom started to talk about everything I got snippy with her and told her I didn’t know yet. She grabbed my hand then said hunny I didn’t know what I wanted either for the longest time and that’s okay. I nodded at her feeling like a fool for snapping my mom was truly just trying to help me. She then said that’s why I wanted to talk, to help guide you in a direction its not easy to always figure things out in your life there is no rule book to follow. I started to laugh, oh how had I not thought of this, how was I supposed to know what I wanted to do. My mom asked me my interests. We talked about many things for me to finally come to my decision. I told my mom I wanted to help people; I felt like I could offer so much to people and help them with their struggles. I picked being a therapist, I got up and hugged my mom for helping me figure out what I wanted to do.

I had a long talk with Fredrick about what I was planning to go to school. He laughed and said yeah, he could see me being great at this. We talked about him and the fact he only had a little over a year left and he will finally be coming home. I can’t believe when I am going off to college he will finally be coming home. I asked him about Finn I still hadn’t heard from him. He told me that he asked his friend to stay away from me that there was no way we could date. I have to say my brother should have known better than to say this girls hate being told what to do. We argued that he couldn’t tell me who I could or could not be friends with or date. He told me that if I choose to date him he would stop being friends with Finn. I cut our talk short and told him I had a test in to morning.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Finn when I laid down. He had been a big part of my life and he wouldn’t be at my graduation. What if I needed something and he wasn’t there for me to talk to. How did my life become like a tv show, I would be screaming at the tv what’s stopping you from talking to him? I finally put on a movie, I needed sleep school would be here soon.

Elise was at school, I talked to her about my brother. I didn’t tell her that Finn said he thought he liked me and we hadn’t talked since then. Elise told me to just text him, I needed to take control on my own life. I sent Finn a text and at the end of the day I still had no reply. I finally sent him a message and told him you once told me that I would always have you, that I could always count on you. Will you even be at my graduation? You are like family and now I get this. He messaged back for me to meet him at a little burger shop. I was happy I finally got through to him.

When I got to the shop I spotted him sitting alone. I went and sat next to him. He apologized for not talking to me in so long. I smacked his arm and said no shit kid I mean what happened? He told me about what my brother had said to him and he didn’t want to ruin his friendship that as much as he cares about me he didn’t want to lose Fred. I nodded that I understand and told him so why we don’t just not tell him and be friends. Finn smiled and said so have a secret friendship from your brother. The waitress came to take our order and said hello then kissed Finn. She took my order and left. I replied I take it you have a girlfriend. Him being the smart ass he is, he said nope tried this cologne women seem to love it. I realized that he had gotten over possibly liking me and I was okay with that I missed this. We had a good few laughs over our meals. His girlfriends name is Angie she was taller than I was, she had brown hair and brown eyes. She was flirty and sweet she laughed a lot and seemed very nice.

Graduation was finally getting close. I couldn’t wait to be out of school finally. I got accepted into school and would be attending in the fall. Elise and I went to go out and celebrate we had fake I.D.s We sat down at the bar and had a few drinks. I heard someone say Bella Bella, how are you? I turned, and it was Oliver. I know we need to back up a little Oliver is the first guy I slept with. He was 6-foot sandy blonde hair with little curls in it. He had green eyes and now looked like a professor. He is two years older than I am. He sat with us and talked about him being in school and how things were going since he graduated. We talked about our plans for school. When we got outside Oliver grabbed my arm and said I’m sorry about how things ended, and I lost you. I smiled and said me too. He handed me his number and asked me to keep in touch. We talked off and on for a few months.

Graduation was finally here! Fredrick was home. We didn’t think he would be able to leave since it was so close to him being released. He was able to work it out to be there for me like he always is. I walked up on stage seeing my brother out there it was hard not to tear up. At the end everyone was emotional and in tears. We were finally here, grownups. We made it from being little kids to finally being adults. I hugged my mom and brother and told then thanks for being you. We all went out to dinner even Finn came with his new girlfriend. I got a text from Oliver telling me congratulations. I invited him out to have dinner with us. At the end of the night Fredrick, Finn and I went out bowling. My bother let me drink and we talked about what it would be like in a few months to have me in college and Fredrick home. I went to bed that night feeling happy for the first time in a while. I had finally stopped cutting and had my two favorite men in my life again. I could possibly be getting another boyfriend and things seemed to be going so well. I couldn’t wait for fall and for me to only be 2 hours away from home and be able to see Fredrick all the time again.

I was finally 18 and off to school. My mom spent the day helping me pack up. She was in tears as she grabbed everything asking if I remembered this or do I remember doing this. It was a nice day getting to spend time with my mom and doing a mother daughter thing. Oliver showed up to help as well. Yes, we are dating now and so far, it’s been good. My brother would be home in a week it seemed like the world was good again. I got to the school and found my room, I shared it with a red headed girl named Ann. She reminded me of a cabbage patch doll. She was very quiet and didn’t talk a lot at first.