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Damage Control Pt. 1
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2024-10-29 19:42:56It had been several hours and I was aware that Mykel was no longer in the room with us. I do not know when he slipped silently out, but I hadn't felt his presence in some time.
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"Mattie..." his eyes closed and he took a deep breath. "What did you do?" I didn't answer him. I didn't meet his eyes. "Mattie, please answer me." There was no anger behind his tone, in his posture. I took a shaky breath but I didn't say a word. I couldn't. "Did..." he paused, bracing himself for the question he was about to ask and the answer he would receive in turn. "Mattie, did you, uh, did you cut yourself?" The grief and guilt that had begun to gather in my eyes spilled down my face and that was all the answer he needed. He nodded his head slightly, his hands tightly knotted together as he talked himself into remaining in control. He let out a held breath. It quivered upon its exodus. "How bad, Mattie?" He still didn't sound the least bit angry. Aside from that, I couldn't place how or what he was feeling."Not-not too bad," I said, my voice filled with every ounce of shame I felt.
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"I what?" I frowned slightly at the accusation."You. Lied. To me." His voice had this time an edge to it that felt like a stab to the heart."The hell I did," I responded with an edge to my own tone. "I've never fucking lied to you and how dare you accuse me otherwise.""You told me you didn't do that. That you did it once but your sister stopped you before you could go too far." Tears fell unnoticed from his eyes. His tone changed with this lowly spoken sentence. Heart shattered and lost."Mykel...I wasn't trying to kill myself. That's what she stopped from happening that day. You never asked me and we've never discussed...this..." I gestured to my legs. "It isn't a habit, Mykel," I added lowly. "I don't know what caused me to do it. I just...it was too mu
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I lay there next to him, our breathing finally returning to normal, with my arms wrapped securely around his chest, my head resting against his shoulder, close enough to his heart I could hear it beating. The thump thump thump both calmed me and swirled my thoughts, and I had no clue how to process what was going through my head.I concentrated on the feeling of Mykel's fingers as they glided through my hair, how his touch made me feel a plethora of emotions that I couldn't all define. Mykel sighed deeply, slowly allowing the breath to escape through his parted lips. I did not have to look at him to know his eyes were closed.I curled further into him, trying to, what seemed at the time, vainly anchor myself to his body. Sow my soul onto his so he could never leave me. "I love you," I told him, my chest tight, my eyes squeezed shut against any bub
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After several spans of many heartbeats, I tried reaching for him, slowly and unsure, afraid of the rejection he ultimately delivered me until such time he had sufficiently calmed himself. He held up his hand in a blocking manner, keeping contact between us minimal before he slipped from the bed. "I need some air. I, uh...won't leave...I'll just be out back, okay?"I could only nod from my spot on the bed, the covers shielding the exposure of my body, as he threw on his shirt and pajama pants and vacated the room. I don't know how long I sat there on the bed silently begging him to return before finally I laid down and closed my eyes. Exhaustion got the better of me and my eyes didn't reopen until sometime later when the moon was high and a symphony of nighttime sounds drifted up through the window. Aside from the hour, I noticed first that I was alone, and the sheets next to me were cold. Mykel hadn't come back. Suddenl
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I swallowed around the lump in my throat, my fingers twisting around each other in similar fashion to hers. "It would be a n-nice st-start." I closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing, focusing on the methods Mykel taught me to control my stuttering."You have no idea, Mattie, how sorry I really am. I didn't just leave you...I did try and get you out. Do you remember them putting new locks on the door?"I thought back and tried to remember. I nodded. "Right after they found out you were sneaking me out at night." I hugged myself as the punishment for that indiscretion flashed through my mind."They had the keys, Mattie. I couldn't get to you. Even knowing I couldn't I still tried breaking the lock. Picking it. Opening it somehow. But I couldn't."As she spoke
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"Babycakes, will you please go get the stuff out of the oven?" Liz hollered as I passed her. I smiled and nodded, nodded to the people who were paying for the pastries, and vanished into the back room. It has been a week now that I saw my sister for the first time since I was a kid. Considering that, I think I've done a fairly good job at handling myself. My emotions have been rampant, swinging back and forth like a pendulum, and minus one incident two days ago, I've not had a meltdown. I grabbed the pastries from the oven, the warm aroma of baked goods filling my senses and I smiled. As I handed the order to Liz, bagged and ready to go, I smiled too at her, before making fresh pots of coffee.Liz had been keeping both her eyes on me lately. Not that I could blame her, but I wanted to be alright. I wanted to show her that I was alright. Show them both. I wanted them to see my progress. I wanted them to be proud of
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I shook my head and bit my lip, failing in my efforts to keep the tears at bay. "I..." I stopped and shook my head, covering my face with my hands. "I'm such a fuck up, Liz. I'm fucking it all up and I know that he's getting tired of me and my bullshit baggage. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. And I'm not getting any better, Liz. How long can I expect him to stick around and deal with this shit?" Liz gathered me against her again as I came undone. "He's going to leave me, Liz. He's going to leave me." Liz didn't argue or speak to the contrary right then, she just held me. Everything was becoming too much. "What's the point, Liz? In anything, what's the point? Why do I try to beat this? Why do I keep fighting?" I paused a long moment before confessing in a choked whisper, "Sometimes I think I would be better off dead. Everyone would be better off.""God, Mattie, don't talk like that, baby. Don't think like that." I heard the
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Mykel's tears dried, but only for a moment. He disengaged himself from Kaiden's embrace and stood. Kaiden stood with him, looking deeply into his eyes, memorizing this moment. "How can you do this, Kaiden?" Mykel's voice no longer wavered as he let his anger and feelings of betrayal take control for the time being."I have no choice, Mykel.""Bullshit you have no fucking choice! You're choosing to leave me because of someone you fucking hate." Mykel's eyes watered again as he felt his soul being ripped asunder. Kaiden said nothing in return to this, simply stared at him with tears cascading down his own face. "Fine, Kaiden." He began to say more, to expound his pain onto his best friend. He turned around and headed back to the front door."Mykel?" Mykel turned around, his hand on the doork
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I watched him take a deep drag off the marijuana and hold the hit, his eyes squinted against the smoke that rolled upward along his face. He exhaled and looked at me. He looked the slightest bit calmer. His eyes had dried, though the clouds were still present."I've been battling myself that this is a means to an end," he began hoarsely. "I mean I don't want it to be. I want to fight through this together like you said. Get through it together, like you said." He paused and flicked the ash into the ashtray between us. He rocked nervously; just slightly. He made a sound of frustration deep in his throat. "Hey," I set my hands along his things and he looked at me. "Easy. Take a breath. There's no rush here. Gather your thoughts and when you're ready speak." Halfthe blunt was gone before he started speaking. I left one of my hands against
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"Mykel." He turned back to her with a desperate look in his eyes. "Have you talked to him?"He shook his head. "I asked once if he was okay. He said he was. He wasn't flippant about it or anything...what if it's just in my head?""Hey, there you two are." Mattie's voice came from behind them. Mykel quickly schooled his features as Mattie came up behind them, his hand sliding up Mykel's shoulder. Mykel closed his eyes. "Everything alright?""When you asked that I knew you knew the answer. I could see it on your face," Rian told me. "So as someone who loves you both, this is my advice. I know you love him, Mattie. Let your guard down. Let him back in completely. He needs you as much as you need him and it's time to stop this." I took a shuddering breath but didn't interrupt her. Her tone was soft, caring, and full of worr
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I stood, set the baby in the playpen, and followed him onto the front porch, sitting with him on the steps leading to the house. "Please don't tell my mom this, okay? Can this stay between you and me?""You can tell me anything, Mattie. I want you to be able to trust me." He smiled faintly."I know where I come from. I know what was done to her, and how and why she got pregnant with me." He looked at me, his eyes older than they should have been. Wiser with second-hand knowledge. "I overheard her talking about it with Dad once. I had gone to the bathroom and heard them through the crack in the door."They always have the door cracked open. In case one of us needs them. Anyway, I guess she had a nightmare about it. I could hear her crying as she told him.""She doe
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"I never stopped loving you, Mykel," I told him as my throat tightened."Then what? I mean..." He sighed, his eyes pleading with me. "It hurts, Mattie." I saw his eyes begin to shine and he turned and continued walking, his head down. "I'm not going to try to make excuses for myself. What I did was stupid and it hurt you. And Liz. I just...wish you understood." He looked at me, his eyes dry again with a dullness to them I had never before seen present there."I do to some extent. But you did it in front of me. You had enough force where you could have died and..." I stopped walking and pulled my hand free. I felt his reluctance to let go. He looked at me as if he thought I'd dematerialize right before his eyes. I crossed my arms over my chest, drawing myself in tighter. "I feel betrayed, Mykel. I feel like..." I stopped as my lungs constricted behind my rib cage and tri
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Slowly I lowered myself onto the bed, buried my face in his pillow, and, surrounded by his scent, screamed. I heard the sounds of footsteps on the stairs sometime later, but I knew they didn't belong to Mykel. They were too light. I felt Liz's hand on my shoulder and slide around my back as she sat next to me."Baby, why don't you just talk to him?" My cries came harder, my face still obfuscated by the pillow. Liz's fingers found their way into my hair. She said nothing more as she waited for me to calm down. "Mattie." Her voice was so soft as she spoke to me. So full of patience and worry it broke my heart further."I can't, Liz, I can't," I wailed, my words muffled. "I just can't.""Why not, my love?" I couldn't answer her as my cries increased and she pulled me into her. I latched my arms around her, holding on as I
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He shook his head slightly. "I tried talking to him about it...about how he feels...and he won't."Liz lit the forgotten blunt. "Of course he won't. Why would he right now? Beyond what he said as reasoning for not saying anything, he needs to process it all and come to terms with how he feels before he can talk to you about it." She paused. "You think he's the only one that's pissed off about this, Mykel? Cause, I gotta tell ya...I'm fucking livid. And I'm trying to be supportive of you and not make you feel worse about this whole shit hole of a situation, but...I don't even know anymore. I don't know what to think or what to say or how to say it. Or make things worse by saying anything. And I'm sure that's how he feels also. Mykel?""Yeah?""Don't you ever fucking do that again."
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I took a shuddering breath. "Is this really a conversation you want to get into right now, Mykel?"He looked at me. "If not now, when? This isn't a conversation that you'll willingly bring up later."I looked at him for a moment, my expression softening as I looked at him. "If I need to. But right now, emotions are high. Shit is still very raw...I would rather put it off until we've both had time to process so this doesn't turn into a fight. I don't want to fight with you. Do I want to talk about this? Yes. I do. Because it really fucking hurt. Do I want to fight and scream and argue? No, I'd rather not. So if not talking about it now and having to balls up to mention it later means that that won't happen tonight...that-that we won't fight because we're both very clearly upset...then, fine, I can do that."He scoffed at
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She glanced up as Mykel took a seat next to her. She smiled sadly at him. I could see she was attempting to keep her composure. I knew the fear in her heart was one she hadn't quite experienced for her brother in several years. "Hey, Mykee." He smiled at her, but the smile was worn with an anxious pulling of his brows. "You want some coffee?" He nodded not speaking. I could see his throat bobbing as he swallowed impulsively, trying to keep himself from falling apart, by the look in her eyes. She set the mug down in front of him, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, setting her face in the crook of his neck. "I love you, Mykel. Don't you ever fucking do that to me again, or I'll kill you myself." He half-smiled and nodded in a barely perceptible way, his eyes slipping closed momentarily. She kissed his cheek before disengaging from his shoulders and taking her seat.To Mykel she said, "I won't be gone too long today. I
