Chapter four

I sat in the soft bed and buried my face in my hands. The problem with hiding in crowds and trying to be invisible is that at the end of the day you were alone. 

No matter how fast or hard I run, I could never escape myself.  I could still see my desperation and unhappy soulless soul that I hid under a facade of happy smiles. 

Mark had rescued me from the streets and without him,  I was going right back. My bills weren't going to pay themselves,  now that we had separated,  he wouldn't continue to help me. 

The million dollar question is was I ready to go back working in underground strip clubs and bars to support myself? 

No! 

I stood up and pulled in a dress shirt before leaving the house.  Did angels really exist, right now I needed every miracle   they had left to help me pay my bills. 

I couldn't come out in the open to tell Bella about my predicament. It was end month and we were supposed to split house bills.

For all I know, people who didn't talk about their problems got to pretend they didn't have any. People who discussed what was wrong on the other hand fought, ached and felt miserable.

Pocketing my hands, I inhaled the fresh night breeze into my lungs letting the soft wind kiss and caress my skin.

How could anyone ever win when the world beat you at every turn.

I wanted to so badly  disappear or evaporate if that was possible. But I had a little brother living in an orphanage and I'm the only family he had in the whole world, I wouldn't be cruel enough to rob him of that.

God alone knew how being adopted felt like reading a book with the first pages ripped out.

I stopped and looked up at the night sky, looking for any sign that someone was watching, if they were, why would they let innocent people and children suffer.

All this thoughts would probably blow my head, the cure to my pain and misery is bottled up in liquor stores. Wait for me take them.

"Raine." 

I froze in my tracks refusing to believe if that voice was true or just in my head. 

"Raine," he called again with that smooth voice full of vibrations. The voice that had always had an effect on me from the first day. 

I turned around and guess he was standing their. It took every muscle in my body to convince my heart and legs not to run to him. 

" Yes, " I replied.

" I thought you needed this, " he said shoving a band of dollars into my pockets so I couldn't refuse. 

" Oh, " I gasped unable to find words. Did he really think I was going to say no. 

" Unless you have Figured things out,  I don't want you to go back to where you were. "

I tried to smile to show a friendly gesture but instead it came out as a painful wince. Friendly smiles are not something that children who have been exposed to the streets are used to making, the range of smiles their are from seductive to calculating. 

I moved forward and wrapped my hands around him in a hug. Was their anybody in the world who understood me more than he did? 

He wrapped his hands around me and I inhaled his scent.  His chest was well tanned and broad because of working out regularly. He had that body of a sex god,  the ones that girls loved and often people would stop to admire and tell him how good he looked. 

Of course that was what made him happy,  people complimenting him and making him feel important, feeding his useless ego. 

He buried his hands in my hair ruffling them.

I would enjoy the love and attention while it lasts. He was one of the  few people who knew me and letting go was hard.

I wouldn't just open up to any other person, I would mask my problems under a smile.

That is  the reason smiles scared me, the brightest ones hid  pain.

" Your hair smells nice, though I don't like the bangs at the end."

His image holding another girl flashed on my face ruining my little heaven.

I felt a sharp pain in my chest and jerked backwards before he pulled me back.  

" Are you hurt? " he asked. " Did I.. "

" Yes I'm hurt, " I replied in a small voice before he could finish. 

" Where? " he asked in a worried tone looking me over. 

"Here, " I said pointing at my chest. 

" What happened, did you fall down or something,  let me see. "

I pulled down the zipper of my jumper before taking his hand and placing it on the space above my chest. 

" This is where it hurts, it's painful right here, where my heart beats."

" Am sorry Raine, I didn't mean to do that to you. "

That is what always happened when someone you trusted screwed you over. 

His hand lingered on my chest before it finally dropped down.  I looked up at him through my long lashes searching my heart. Was their still anything,  could I go back? 

That is the problem with having someone as your first love, first everything,  you can't really get over them or seem to let them go, they are stuck in your head and heart.

Mark was never a soft or gentle person.  He was always violent, he handled his friends rowdily and the little efforts he tried to show me of affection were a struggle.  

But at least he was trying for me, though sometimes he back slided.  But I appreciated the effort and the fact that he was trying.  Or maybe it was the fact that I was used to the harsh violence in the streets and clubs that it never really bothered me. 

" Do you want us to go home,  I mean do nothing,  just watch a movie,  I won't touch you. "

I wanted to say yes,  but the words in my mouth tied themselves into a knot and found their way back. 

 I offered a slight nod. 

A part of me was hoping this was the right decision.  Maybe he wanted to apologize 

Properly and tell me he was sorry. 

We arrived at his apartment and he unlocked the door and held it for me.

Another first. 

Throughout the relationship he had always advocated for women who could stand for themselves. Those who didn't act weak and feeble waiting for the other gender to open doors for them or pull out chairs for them to sit. 

I never really saw past this,  I thought he was helping me to be strong and to stand up for myself. 

I sat on the couch as he turned on his huge television.  

"Apparently," he began, "  I have no new movies,  do you want us to watch football or some Hip Hop music? "

I sat up immediately panic running through my veins. 

This was all a scheme to use my feelings and emotions, my weak spot to get to me.  He knew how much I hated football and that genre of music, why would he do that? 

I turned to look at the door and it was locked.

What did fate really have for me, God knows the plot twists it was doing with me were already enough. 

He moved closer and placed his hands at the Back of my head and started looking me up  before placing his dry clumsy lips on mine. 

He tried shoving his tongue into my mouth and I waited for the butterflies and adrenaline that I used to feel for him to surface but there were none. 

Pushing him back,  I stood up heading to the door,  this was enough,  I couldn't even look at him. 

"Raine," he called back with a warning tone.

" Don't fuck up whatever I have for you, nobody can love you the way I do,  because deep down you know you are an empty selfish soul that has nothing to give in return  and this one time somebody gives you a chance,  you ruin it with your stupid pride. "

His words were slow and calculated, each word hitting home where he intended them to.

" What ?" I asked trying to keep my tears at bay. 

One wrong move and the basin of tears in my head would come rushing out of my eyes.

 "Be strong, their is no room for weak people," I could hear my sub conscious shouting at me. 

This once be strong for me.

He came closer stalking me like prey while    I moved backwards until my back hit the wall. 

" Now give me back my money, " he said putting his hands above me on the wall,literally trapping me.

Money is the reason I put up with all this and I couldn't give it back. 

" Or you could pay for it,  it's been long you know. " 

He said with an evil smile.

" Okay, let us do it in bed, like old times, " I said hoping he would fall for my trick. 

The vase was just close enough, if only I lay my hands on it.

" I'll  be waiting," he replied removing his hands above my head on the wall and pulling his sagging trousers up.

As he turned to go,  I picked the flower vase and threw it at his back and closed my eyes not ready to look at the blood or whatever impact it had on him.

He let in a sharp intake of breath before going down with a thud.

What happened was a calm before a storm and I wasn't waiting for the storm.

 I took a few more bills from his wallet.  Just enough for me, not that he would even notice and pushed his large window before jumping down and Closing it.