Cho Sarang

"Let's not meet each other again, eomma," I smiled coldly at the familiar, stern looking middle-aged woman sitting in front of me, before picking up the document that finalized my contract termination from her table.

This was it. I was finally free.

I couldn't help but feel relieved. It was like a heavy weight that had been weighing me down for years and years was lifted off my shoulders as I walked out of my old agency.

I gave one last look at the place that was so familiar to me for the past seventeen years. A practice room that was like home. The recording studio that raised me in my youth. The place that held so many memories.

Goodbye...

Having debuted as an idol at the tender age of thirteen, I spent most of my childhood in a training room of this building.

Eomma.. Ahhh, I should stop calling her that. After all, she sees me more as a disposable asset rather than her daughter.

I chuckled bitterly at the thought.

I must have been very naive for staying with her for seventeen years when she made me work like a slave. Or maybe, I already knew the truth, and I was just deluding myself all this time.

I should have known better. What do you expect when a rich-looking woman approaches a poor eight-year-old orphan girl anyway? Normally, it isn't due to the goodness of her heart.

I still remember very clearly that faithful rainy day when I first met her.

"Do you want to come with me?"

That woman smiled as she reached out her hand to me.

That day, I thought I saw a beacon of hope, a beam of light in my dark and gloomy world. She was the first person to reach out to me and for me, it might be the only chance to get out of the hell hole called poverty.

Maybe I had been waiting for someone to do that for a very, very long time. I was desperate for someone, just anyone to reach out to me.

If you grew up as an orphan like me, you probably would understand. It wasn’t a happy life at all. I used to share a room with 20 other orphans. The room was always cold and there was never enough food to eat.

I also had to put up with constant verbal abuse from people around me just because of the fact that I was a poor orphan. 

That was why I was so happy when she told me that she would be my mother from that moment on. A word that was so foreign to me, yet strangely, it warmed my heart. 

That day that poor orphan girl was no more, and the idol and actress - Cho Sarang - was born.

For all of my life, I never knew who my real parents were. But I thought I should at least thank them for blessing me with good looks. If it wasn’t for that, CEO Lee wouldn’t have approached me in the first place and I wouldn’t ever have the chance to be a celebrity.

There’s nothing free in this world. Especially if you’re just a poor and powerless orphan girl. I knew what I had to pay when I accepted her offer. But I still did it anyway. 

Countless times. Overworking, undereating... I did it all without complaint. I knew that this was the price I had to pay if I wanted to prove my worth. 

So I worked harder and harder without any rest and successfully made my debut.

I had never taken a day off since the day I debuted. Not even once. So, it was not an uncommon occurrence for me to faint once or twice due to my irregular meals, non-stop schedule, and arduous daily routine that continued until dawn.

I traded my youth for success and I became one of the biggest stars in Korea as a compensation for all the fucking hard work I’ve done. 

Everything I did became a hot topic. Whether it was music, television drama, movie, or commercial. Everything I touched became successful. 

So, I often ask myself, what are you whining for? Isn’t this what you wanted? The life you wished for, the life you wanted, the life you chose.

I have money, beauty and fame. I got everything I wanted. 

But nobody told me how lonely it was being up here. The emptiness I felt after flying so high, it was just so unbearable.

You think you'll never feel loneliness because you're a star and you're so popular, that loneliness isn't what you're feeling as other thoughts and feelings plague your heart and mind. And then you realize everything all too late and what it was all along was… loneliness. 

Honestly, I started just because I need to make a living, but the adjectives they attach to my name feel too much sometimes. The greed that used to be my weapon, instead choked me and became my leash.

At one point, it became too much for me to bear, so I asked CEO Lee for the slightest bit of rest. But she took it the wrong way as if I was rebelling, and that’s how our feud began. 

She started by sponsoring a new rookie girl out of nowhere and bluntly showing her support to her while tossing me to the side. Just like what she did to senior Han Aram before I took her place as the most favored artist in the company.

I didn’t know what I did so wrong that she decided to replace me, the main money maker of the company. Maybe she just wanted to remind me of my place - that I was always replaceable.

But I'm not the same as senior Han Aram. I wouldn't go down without a fight. 

My place was not something that anybody could easily replace. It wasn’t just simple luck. 

I debuted because I worked harder than anyone. I slept less and did more for myself. It was a place that I earned from my blood, sweat and tears. 

Since I was a child, I always told myself that I needed to earn my own place if I wanted to survive. Because I don’t have a place to return to. 

So I hardened my heart and put on a cold facade for all this time. That was the only way for me to survive for this length of time in the harshness of the entertainment industry.

So to hell with them if they thought I would give up my place just like that.

Fortunately, after a tiring and pathetic battle, I did win in the end. CEO Lee lost public trust and a lot of money in the process, meanwhile I gained a lot more supporters and my own freedom. But it doesn't mean that I didn't feel bitter about it.

No matter what, she was still the one who raised me all these years. The method was wrong, but I knew that she loved me in her own way.

It did turn out for the better though. At least I could finally be free to do whatever I like.

Well, taking a rest was my top priority. After abusing my body, mind, and soul for the past seventeen years, I guess I deserved some rest.

For all this time, I had no time to look sideways. I looked straight ahead so I wouldn't fall. And I thought I had lived harder than anyone else around me. 

But finally, for the first time, I'd decided to live out one part of my life. Letting that part of me out into the world, and having relationships and conflicts with the world. It was my ardent wish.

***

It was an unusually peaceful and relaxing night for me. I sat on a comfy couch, accompanied by a cup of warm tea and a phone in my hand as I hummed to one of my favorite songs.

Reading a romance novel was something that I secretly enjoyed but usually never had enough time to do due to my busy schedule. 

Since I was a kid, I had always loved fairy tales. The kind of stories that drew me in, and made me feel like I was transported into a magical world, and feel emotions like fear, happiness, worry, or excitement - to name a few. 

It felt good to be away from the harsh reality, even if it was only for a while. Because in fairy tales, they always end with ‘happily ever after’. 

Anyway, I stumbled upon this novel when I was browsing for something light to read. The title was a bit cringy. 'I Became The Crown Prince's Wife'. But apparently it was quite popular these days among the web novel fans.

It was a typical and cliche romance story between a kind and beautiful healer and a crown prince of the empire. I admitted that it was pretty cliche, but the fantasy element still fascinated me.

Before I knew it, I finished it in one sitting even though I should've probably been sleeping since I had a flight to catch in the morning. But I just couldn't stop myself.

It was already past midnight when I finished reading the whole story, except the side stories. 

I really wanted to continue reading, but decided against it in the end and went to bed instead since it was pretty late already. 

Well, I still have plenty of time to read it during my vacation. I thought to myself. 

So, I put down my phone and slept.

***

The next morning I excitedly loaded my luggage into my car. For once, I decided not to call my manager and drove to the airport by myself.

It was something that I've never done in my life. But these days, I wanted to experience many things that normal people usually do and enjoy my youth for a bit. That’s why I decided to go on a vacation by myself.

Who knows? Maybe I could experience something like Julia Roberts in 'Eat, Pray, Love'?

Thinking about the possibility itself already excited me.

I entered my purple Hyundai car, put on my seatbelt and started the engine with a happy thought in mind.

"Should I text him?" I mumbled to myself, pondering. "But what should I say? He must be very busy right now," I bit my lips.

After debating with myself for five minutes, I ended up sending a short message to him, informing him about my vacation.

To be honest, I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I'm terrible at it, so many people often misunderstand me. That's why I'm always sorry for not expressing my feelings. It's too bad that I'm not good at explaining my feelings. 

But he always saw through my façade. He was the only person who saw me as the person I am, not the person I wanted people to see. That's why I'm trying to express my feelings more, even though it's still awkward sometimes. 

For years and years, I was burned out and unhealthy in both mind and body. If you’ve ever been there, you know that one of the most dangerous parts of feeling that way is that you think it will last forever and believe tomorrow will be no different. And for a time, I did give in and I despaired.

Then, one day, I decided that my despair was a lie and I asked for his help. Ever so slowly things got better and I started to feel again. 

Those were hard years, but looking back, it clarified what I wanted out of life, what I needed, and what I had to change in my mentality in order to be happy

And he taught me that life doesn’t need to always be happy in order to be fruitful and that I could build a wonderful life whether or not things were perfect. For that, I really admire him a lot.

I smiled fondly at the thought of him. If only we weren't working in this industry, I might've considered pursuing a relationship with him already. 

But in reality, we couldn't have a normal relationship because of what we do and the path we've chosen, at least not now. So, sometimes I felt guilty that I kept wanting to have them anyway. I wanted to date. Have a normal relationship without my pictures blasted all over the internet and regarded as a scandal. I wanted to be with him without hiding. I wanted all those things without giving up being an idol. I knew it was disgustingly greedy.

I comforted myself by telling myself that it wasn't the right time yet. After all, this was the peak of our careers, so we couldn’t afford something like a serious relationship for now. But that was okay, we still had plenty of time.

I put my phone back in my bag and started driving as I hummed to one of his songs.

I had been driving for ten minutes and was at a traffic light when I saw a group of small children crossing the road and getting on a bus. It seemed like they had gone on a school trip because they seemed so happy and carried backpacks.

I unconsciously smiled at their innocence. Must've been nice, being a child without the need to worry about the future. If only I had been that kind of child too- wouldn't my life be different now?

I was lost in my thoughts for a minute when I noticed something wrong. It seemed like the brake on a dump truck wasn't working and it sped down the hill toward the bus.

The bus was parked, so I was sure that the dump truck would hit it.

In those mere seconds, a crazy thought came into my mind, 'If I put my own car between the dump truck and the bus, the children will be saved.'

It was then or never. I didn't have much time to even think about my decision as I deliberately drove onto the road, right in front of the oncoming dump truck.

Just when I was right in front of the truck, I realized how crazy it was. 

The desperation for survival finally kicked in so I desperately stepped on the gas to cancel my foolish decision. But it was too late. 

'I don't want to die, you stupid moron!'

That was the last thing I thought before the truck hit my car with a huge force.

I felt sharp pain all over my body from the impact. I knew I had broken more than one bone. I was soaked in my own blood and my consciousness was drifting. The pain was excruciating.

People say that your life will flash before your eyes when you're about to die. But the only thing I saw was him, smiling at me with his trademark silly grin. 

At that moment, I was like a flower being plucked from its mother plant. Unable to move, sad to leave, knowing my death was close. Helpless.

A tear rolled down my bloody face. My body shut down, giving up on itself. I die.