Fractured Vows

"I can't wait!"

I stood in the dim light of our dining room, arranging the silverware nervously with my fingers for the fourth time. With soft music playing, flickering candles and the aroma of roasted chicken filling the air the table was perfectly set.

 This dinner took hours to prepare. In an effort to remind Liam of our past together, I tried to make everything right. After all, it was our anniversary . Despite being together for four years, it seemed like we were very far apart.

I took a look at the wall clock. 7. 42 p. m. By now Liam ought to be at home. He had said he would arrive early tonight. No more excuses. I couldn't deny the nagging feeling that he wasn't returning in the manner that I wanted.

My heart skipped a beat as I straightened up and the door finally opened. I called softly my voice full of hope "Liam?"

He entered without looking up, dropping his briefcase on the floor. His suit was a little rumpled and he barely acknowledged me as he passed by without taking off his shoes.

 Despite my heart pounding I tried to speak calmly as I said "Hey. I have prepared supper. It was thoughtful that we could celebrate."

 Liam continued. With his eyes fixed on his phone he ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry for being late... work-related matters."

 For a moment, I stood motionless, the excitement I had been clinging to all day dissolving in my fingers like sand.

"It's our anniversary, Liam."

 He muttered without raising his gaze "I know. I apologize...It's been a nightmare of a meeting. Right now, I don't have time for dinner."

 As he shuffled toward the kitchen a thick silence fell between us. The warm glow of the candles and the clink of the silverware made everything seem so. No longer important.

 My efforts this evening seemed inconsequential. I blinked away the tears in my eyes."Is our job truly more important than our marriage?"

 Liam took a while to respond. His jaw was tense as I could see. He finally let out a sigh and put his phone down.

"Can't we do this tonight, Ava? I have a ton of other things to do."

I saw him sit at the kitchen counter and furiously rub his forehead. The burden of all the years we had spent together weighed heavily on me as I swallowed.

The falsehoods we had told ourselves and the commitments we made. I had to get his attention. I wanted him to understand.

"I'm pregnant, Liam." There. I had said it.

He looked up from the counter and for a second I thought I saw something maybe a surprise but then it vanished into that all too familiar distance.

"Pregnant?" His voice sounded flat as if he were reading a report rather than hearing a life-altering announcement. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." I suppressed the anger that surged through me. "I hoped that this would help us get closer. I thought—"

 Liam cut in his voice now abrasive "You thought this would fix things?" When he eventually got up he turned away from me and picked up his phone once more browsing through emails. "I am not prepared to have a baby, Ava. It's not even like we have our act together."

His words cut like a blade through me. It was as if I had been struck in the face. Instead of the joy, embrace or even a kiss that I had anticipated I received that instead... like this?

This emotional gap had been a part of my life for months.No,Years

"Not ready?" I asked in a tremulous disbelieving whisper. "You've been saying that to me for years, concerning the house, the finances and everything else. For several months now you have been too busy. I've had enough of it. I'm over battling for your love and attention. Liam you don't even give a damn anymore."

 With his back to me he tensed at what I said and I could tell he wouldn't turn around. "Not just yet. Ava I care. But this...This is not the appropriate moment. We need to work things out.For me, the meeting I just left was very important."

My chest grew heavier and my heart tightened. I had not anticipated this. I assumed that we would work as a team. I had the hope that this pregnancy would make him realize how much we could develop together. However it became increasingly evident that I was fighting this battle by myself as he continued to speak.

 Liam went on his voice a little higher "I don't know why you're surprised. Ava, this is nothing new is it? It's the same old thing. You and your goals. At this moment I don't have time for this."

 Exasperated, I took a step toward him. " Really? Liam I've been waiting a long time for you to see me in person. You're too busy to give me a glance though. I'm too busy to bother you. For us... for our baby."

 For a moment I thought he might finally say something to make things better but then his shoulders tensed. However he did not.

He did not look at me, he simply shook his head." I am unable to do this at this time."

 I grabbed his arm and pulled him to look at me. "You cannot continue to push me away. I'm not something you can put off. Liam, I am your wife. I want your concern!"

For a brief moment his eyes clouded over and he sighed once more, his expression softening. "I'm sorry, Ava. I truly am. But I need to go. This is exhausting—"

I stepped back, letting go of his arm as the tears threatened. " Go. Attend your meeting. In any case it's undoubtedly more important than me."

After a brief pause Liam picked up his coat from the chairs back and made his way to the door." We'll discuss this later."

"Yeah" I muttered to myself as my heart broke again. We'll discuss it further."

However I was aware that we wouldn't. We never did. And my mind went haywire as I stood there without eating my anniversary meal. I was hit hard by reality.

I was at a loss as to how to stop my husband from drifting further and further away. I tried fixing it several times but it wasn't enough because we were breaking.

Liam had decided.

His career, his work and his meetings came first. And me? I was merely another element in his universe that he could disregard. And for the first time I genuinely questioned whether our marriage could withstand this separation.

Touching my stomach I felt the tiny life there. "Hold on tight" I said. "Mummy will pull through."