Chapter One

It took Tim Dalman years for her to be able to convince herself completely that people only lived once. 

That was the reason why her desire to achieve everything that she wanted to do and to be in life was fierce, especially when she knew that destiny had the ability to take everything that she had in one brush of the wind, and one drop of the rain. No one had the capability to know how destiny itself worked. So with the best of her abilities, she made sure to treat every second that was given to her important. 

Only eat pickles for a whole week, take a shower under the rain until it’s no longer raining, enroll to a girls’ town, sneak out of that girls’ town, skip school even when she was homeschooled, hangout with friends without telling anyone else, lead the rosary, sleep in the rosary period—She had done a lot of things in her life, and never did she regret doing those.

Whenever she made mistakes, Tim would just tell herself that those mistakes would shape her to be a better person. With every mistake, people learned. That was what she believed in.

Never did she regret doing the mistakes that she made in her life, except for one —and that was to fall for someone who became the reason why that belief changed in an instant. 

"Hey, are you okay na? Ready? Are you feeling calm now?" her friend, Harper, asked her consecutive times while waving her hand in front of her face. She immediately raised an eyebrow upon realizing that she had been spacing out for a few minutes. 

When she was finally on the right footing, she reminded herself that she was in a casting venue, and had been lining up for almost two hours already. 

Tim looked back to see the long line of people behind her, and saw the nervousness in the faces of her companions who were just like her, hoping to become part of the project of a popular writer, and award-winning director. That was when she realized that she was already next in line. Because of that realization, her knees trembled as if they were wet noodles, and her hands sweat like one damp blanket. Just a while ago, she wasn’t feeling nervous, maybe that was the reason why her nervousness at that moment doubled.

“I’m just a little nervous,” she answered. Harper raised an eyebrow, and stared at her, scrutinizing the look on her face. The nervousness that she was feeling in her chest doubled because she felt like she was in a hot seat, and was being interrogated by her friend’s eyes. And that audition hadn’t even started yet. 

The girl’s eyes rolled before tapping her shoulder. “Nervous? Timothee Dalaman? Those don’t add up,” she said. “Why are you nervous anyway? We have already talked about this last night. There's no reason for you to be nervous. You just have to show up—"

"I just want to feel nervous," she cut her off with an unconvincing smile on her face before she turned her head back to the people who were lining up behind her. When she saw that no one overheard what Harper said since they seemed like they also had their own worlds, she was able to sigh in relief. 

She gave Harper a meaningful look, talking to her using my eyes, and what a relief it was because the girl immediately understood what she was trying to say. She nodded for a couple of seconds, making Tim roll her eyes in return.

“I’ll go back inside now. You’re next already, okay? Stop spacing up. Wakey wakey already,” she said before tapping her shoulder once more, and finally going back inside the conference hall. 

She followed her friend using her eyes, still feeling the hard thudding of her heart against her chest. She couldn’t even breathe properly because of how hard and how fast her heart was beating that was even ringing in her eyes. It was deafening. 

She couldn’t understand why she was feeling that way because she had already been in several auditions, and most of those auditions, she didn’t even have the chance to be picked. Tim knew a lot of people in the industry. That was why she knew how the industry that she longed to be part of, worked. For so long, she had already known that it wasn’t just luck, skills, and talents that would allow people to be part of the industry. 

Even in the reality shows where a lot of people lined up to audition to become one of the contestants, there was only a slim chance for ordinary people to be picked. She considered herself lucky because she knew a lot of people in the industry, and a lot of them were her companions back in college. One of those was Harper herself who was already one of the producers of those popular movies and series that were shown in televisions. 

Because of those people, she learned how to make her chance of getting in the industry, and building up a name of her own, higher. For the past years, she had done everything that she could to do well in the projects that she was a part of, even when those projects were small or big. It didn’t matter. She still did her best to do good.

And when she was finally given the chance to sign on a contract that was stating that she would be one of the leading actresses of a big project, she didn’t even think twice.

What they said was that she still needed to line up, and audition, but her role was also secured. 

The truth was that she hadn’t really grasped properly that her lifelong dream was finally in her reach—to be an actress, and to be known in the whole country. She was happy, nervous, but even so, she still couldn’t help but feel sad for people who were also dreaming just like her before. 

She looked back to look at the people who were lining behind her once more, and couldn’t help but feel a sense of pity towards them.

Nervousness and exhaustion were evident in their countenances. But even when that was the case, she could still see a hint of hope in their eyes, and even that hope wasn’t really that big, that was still the same hope that was pushing those people to continue reaching for their dreams. 

Sometimes, Tim couldn’t stop herself from feeling sad whenever she thought that there could really be people who were born with extraordinary skills and talents who would never be given the chance for them to be known in this world. It was even the reality that there were more talented people who were not known than those were already known. 

Even when it was sad to think about, she realized that not all of those talented people wanted to be popular and to be known. And not everyone would be destined to be just like that. That was the reality in life; sad, but people needed to accept. 

Because of that, she would feel a little guilt in her chest because she was more privileged than most people, but it didn’t mean that she wasn’t deserving to reach the dreams that she worked hard for, right?

She breathed deeply once more, and decided not to think about it any longer. She calmed herself down because she knew that any moment, she would be called.

Maybe she was feeling utterly nervous because of the fact that even when her role was already secured, she still had a long way to go to prove that she was deserving to stay (and to be known) in the industry.

I can finally prove myself. 

To him. 

Wherever in the world he was. 

"Audreanna Timothee Dalman?" She immediately fixed her stance when she heard her name being called. In a span of half a second, her mind wandered to every single thing that she experienced just to be where she was at that very moment. And in that span of time as well, she could feel the clear beating of her heart, the trembling of her knees, the sweating of her palms, and the closing of her eyes.

'This is it, Tim,' she told herself before completely stepping inside the dark doorway. 

Her breathing was heavy as she was walking inside the room. She could even barely understand what Harper was saying beside her because her attention was fixed towards the bright part of the room. It was only the part that had lights turned on. Even the part where the staff and producer were was dim.

"Goodluck, babe. Just enjoy the moment," Harper whispered in her ear. 

When she was finally standing on the lit area, she couldn’t see the faces of the people who were staring at her, but she could feel their stars burying every bit of her being. 

She could almost feel the beating of her heart in her feet—that's how strong the beating was.

It was funny to think about because at that very moment, she felt little, and that was a feeling that she felt only once in her lifetime. She forced herself not to think about that circumstance because it was already in the past, it was meant to be forgotten.

But the mind was a traitor. In an instant, she was already in the familiar grounds back at her college. The wind was cold as it brushed against her skin, and when she looked up to look at the sky, she saw the dark and heavy clouds that were hovering above. The rain was about to fall. 

She walked faster because of it, feeling the hard beating of her heart that was because of the mixture of exhaustion and nervousness that she was feeling in her chest. She ran all the way to the university because it was as if destiny was playing, and the traffic was very heavy.

That was the first time that they’d be seeing one another after two months. That was the first time that he’d talk to her again. The guy dropped a letter in her locker, saying that the two of them should meet on the university grounds at 8 PM. She was stuck in the traffic for a few minutes. That was why when she looked at her watch, she was already ten minutes late. 

The word ‘nervous’ wouldn’t be enough to give definition to what she was feeling at that time, especially when she didn’t like him waiting for her, especially not after two months of not seeing each other.

Her nervousness doubled the moment she saw the guy from afar. He was just standing, his back was facing her direction. She wanted to start crying at that very moment, the tears were already wanting to fall.

She didn’t see him for two whole months, no one could blame her. In that span of time, she was left with questions, and she had planned for them to talk about literally anything once they saw each other again.

How was he?

What did he do in the span of two months?

Did he miss her just as much as she did?

There were a lot of questions that were flooding her mind, everything that she thought about in those two months was there, inside her head. She even listed those questions in her notepad in the fear that her mind would go blank in front of Raphael.

But destiny liked playing. Never did she think that the things that she was fearing would happen actually happened. 

The moment that he saw her, she already knew. The moment she got to see his eyes, she already knew. It was as if she already knew what he’d say even when she didn’t really understand. 

Sa oras na nakita ako ng lalaki ay alam ko na. Sa oras na natanaw ko ang mga mata nito ay alam ko na. Wari bang alam ko na ang sasabihin nito kahit na hindi ko maintindihan.

"From now on, stay away from me," he started.. "I don't love you anymore. I just respect you a bit that's why I came here to finally cut our ties, to end my agony. I shouldn't have done this because looking at you makes me want to puke in disgust. I no longer want to see your face ever again.."

She was frozen in spot the moment she heard those words from him. He said that as if that was only a normal thing to say. 

Seven years. They had been together for seven years, but he ended those years just like that, just in a snap. She wasn’t even asked about her opinion for that matter in order to save their relationship. Even her, she didn’t even know why. She didn’t know where she could’ve gone wrong, what she did for him to hate and be disgusted by her that much.

Tim was a good judge of people as she could read them well, and she could say that she knew Raphael that much. That was why there was a strange sensation that she was feeling.

It seemed...rehearsed. 

In the seven years that they’d been together, she knew for a certain that between the both of them, she was more confident. She was more well-spoken. That was why she knew, she could see in his mannerisms that he had practiced that for hours. She was the aspiring actress between the both of them. She knew. She knew very well.

It was very rehearsed, but it didn’t mean that it no longer hurt, it didn’t mean that she could no longer feel it at the pit of her stomach, in her bones, and every part of her body that he was able to hold and kiss. 

What she was feeling that time, she explained it to be like cutting her own limbs. The difference was, the wounds would never heal. 

No matter how many years passed.

No matter what disaster fell.

No matter what situation she’d face. 

"Please introduce yourself." It was like that voice came from every direction, and in a snap, she was back at the audition venue once more. She blinked as her eyes adjusted to the blinding lights once more.

There was some ringing in her ears that was almost deafening, it was like a siren. At that moment, she felt every part of her body, even the running of the small bead of sweat down her right leg. 

She adjusted to the lights for two seconds before she smiled at the direction of the casting staff. She opened her mouth to introduce herself. "Good day, everyone. I am Audreana Timothee Ward Dalman, 25 years of age. I am from San Francisco City, and I'm auditioning for the role of Anika Gatchalian."

She decided to let go of her past at that time. She convinced herself that it was no longer important. What was important was the present. What was important was that she’d get to prove to them that she was deserving, that she wasn’t just there because she had connections, but because she also had the skills that would be good for the industry. 

"Good day, Miss Dalman. We are happy to see you here,” said the casting director, and Tim let out a sweet smile in return. “I want to ask you something. Based on your prior knowledge about the character of Anika, how would you describe her?" 

That question was no longer a stranger for Tim because that was one of the most common questions that were asked in the auditions that she joined in. It was crucial for actors to know the character that they would be playing deeply because in that way, they would maximize their performance for that role. 

She had already read a part of the storyline that was given to her, and she studied that, her character, for weeks. She already knew what she needed to say, and even when there was nervousness in her chest, she was confident that she’d be able to answer the question easily. 

"To tell you honestly, I sympathize with her. Anika is the kind of person who doesn't stop stoop low to reach her dreams. She has the grit, and she's willing to do her best just to become the best version of herself," she said as she lifted her head a little, not showing that there were bad memories that were whispering in her mind. 

It was true that she could see herself in the character that she would be playing. Destiny was funny because they even had the same personality, and even the same principles in life. It was as if she was really destined for that role, that it was really for her.

“She’s a flawed character, just like any other real person in the world. But I do think that her flaws are the reason why she stands out. She might not be the leading lady, but I believe that it’d be easy for her to capture the hearts of the audience,” she continued.

But unlike her, Anika was more focused on making herself a better person. That was why people could easily like her. While her...

A short-lived silence reigned after she said that, making her even more nervous. She felt like their stares were burying against her skin. She didn’t even know how many of them were there, judging her performance, her looks, judging her as a whole. 

Mostly, she could see the casting director and some of the staff whenever she joined auditions. Once or twice, she experienced the same things. That was why she still wasn’t used to the darkness, and the spotlight. 

“Thank you for that answer.” She heard the casting director say after a minute. 

She licked her lips before smiling a little, waiting for the next thing that she should do. She could already feel the sweat running down her face. Luckily, her make up didn’t smudge that easily because she’d really be ashamed if she’d end up looking like a total idiot there. 

A staff walked towards her before handing her two pieces of her paper where a script was printed. She took it, but waited for a direction to start. 

“What you have in hand is a copy of a scene from the series itself.” She heard. “We’ll give you a few minutes to read it, and we’ll ask you to interpret the scene. Is that fine with you, Miss Dalman?” 

I quickly nodded my head. “Yes. It’s perfectly fine,” I responded.

They gave her five minutes to read the script, and she was also given a chair to sit on so that she’d be more comfortable reading. She could feel their stares still, but she chose not to mind them, and focused on the script instead. 

The scene was about a break-up. The characters were in an open field, and it was night time. She didn’t know why her heart started beating faster as she read the script that was given to her. She couldn’t even help but frown as she continued. 

That scene was a break up scene, for a certain, and she knew that she’d need to cry, plead, and kneel. The scene was for two people, but she only needed to act the part that she needed to give life to. 

She swallowed the lump on her throat. 

She wasn’t sure whether she was just paranoid or was just utterly nervous, but the scene written on the paper was very familiar. The lines that the characters said were very familiar.

She felt like she was going crazy.

“Are you ready now, Miss Dalman?” the casting director asked.

She saw that her hands were trembling as the scene was still processing in her mind, and she even felt the rushing of her blood towards her face. She put the paper down on her legs before forming my hands into fists to stop them from trembling. She didn’t want them to think that she was nervous because they were asking her to act.

She breathed deeply.

Calm down, Tim. 

Maybe it was just a coincidence.

“Miss Dalman?”

Tim raised her head, and smiled before nodding. “Yes, I’m ready,” she answered.

They gave her a cue to start. She could still feel the hard thudding of her heart against her chest. She couldn’t even breathe properly because of that, but she tried hard to calm herself because she was already there. She couldn’t back out. She had faced a lot of things already, she couldn’t stop there. 

She allowed herself to calm down for a few seconds, just staring at the letters on the paper, feeling the trembling of her hands that she hoped they didn’t notice. 

Why she was in that situation, she didn’t want to think that destiny was playing games with her again. If it were the case, then it liked to torture her. It had been years. She had already learned how to stand from that fall. She had already fixed herself when he broke her.

"What? What are you talking about?" she acted according to the script that was given. She swallowed the lump on her throat as she stared at the paper, feeling the tears on the verge of falling. “I-I don’t understand you.” 

She felt her chest tighten after she said that, and in an instant, she was back in that night. Once again, she felt the cold kiss of the wind against her skin, the trembling of her knees, and the feeling of standing in front of him as he stared at her with eyes filled with hatred and disgust. 

That was what I told him that night.

She was no longer a stranger when it come to auditions. That was why she already knew what to do majority of the time. Most of the casting calls that she joined, she would be bound to read a part of the script, character description sometimes, and they would give her the freedom to give life to that character with the best of her abilities.

But she didn’t know why she felt weak reading that scene. Her mind seemed tangled.  

The next scenes seemed like a blur. She didn’t even know whether she executed the scene well. The only thing that was running in her mind was what happened that night. 

"Great! You really captured the scene, Miss Dalman." She heard the casting director say, but she was still looking at the paper, her tears continued dropping, ruining the printed script. 

Why wouldn’t I be able to when those were the exact things that were said, those were the exact things that happened that night?

She was just looking down, staring at her trembling hands, her eyebrows were furrowed. She couldn’t understand what was happening.

Was she hallucinating things?