“Dito na kayo nakatira? Kasama ng anak mo?”After so many years, I can’t believe I’m talking to him again. It felt surreal, like meeting a friend I only saw in my dreams.He nodded and then took a sip of his coffee. I wasn’t planning on having a get-together with Ivan. Okay na ako sa simpleng hello and goodbye, but both Nate and Ellie were persistent that we both catch up. I could tell that they were rooting for us like what fanboys and fangirls do. Eh, hindi naman ganoon ang relasyon namin.“Yes, but nothing permanent set for now. I work as Nate’s manager. Habang dito siya sa Pilipinas naka-base, dito muna kami. We’ve always wanted to go back home. Now, we have a reason to. We've been here for, what? three months now?"“Really? Matagal ka naman na pala dito. You should have called me to catch up.”Noon, Liam was like my reflection. We shared the same heartache and we were both emotionally unavailable. Buti naman nagkita kami ngayon. Now that we are not the same person anymore. We ca
Hindi ko dapat sinabi iyon.I was consumed with guilt and for a careless second, my tongue slipped and spilled information about Jake. I felt immediate regret when I said what I said.Hindi ako handa pero hinintay ko ang reaksyon ng anak ko. Whatever question he might have, I was willing to answer it... but to my relief, today is not the day. Mukhang nakatulog na ang anak ko at hindi nga ata niya narinig ang sinabi ko kanina."I'm so sorry, baby." I kissed his forehead goodnight and left the room.Cassidy: I don't know what I was thinking Ellie o baka nga ay hindi ako nag-iisip. I almost told Jeremy about Jake. What's wrong with me? I thought I had my shit together.I sent Ellie a message pagkatapos kong mag-ayos. She went home... o baka kasama niya si Troy. I'm not really sure. Ellie was planning to spend the night here pero sumunod din naman minutes after Troy left.I was walking back and forth in the room at umupo lang sa kama nang mag-ring ang phone ko, and a notification popped w
Water bottle, check. Extra clothes, check. Towels, check. Tissue paper, check."Jeremy!" Tawag ko sa kaniya after making sure that we have all the things we needed for our Sunday get-away. Usually, lumalabas kami ng bahay to maybe get lunch, go to amusement park na kami lang dalawa. Minsan din, kasama namin si Ellie.Pero ngayon, kinakabahan ako because I don’t want to make the wrong move. ‘It’s a simple playdate, Cass,’ paulit-ulit na sabi ko sa sarili ko. Ivan had this idea of a playdate ng mga anak namin while we catch up. It works because that way, matutuloy na din ang plano naming magkita. At the same time, mababantayan pa namin ang mga bata while they have fun. That’s if they get along.I hope so.Jeremy came running into the living room. "Anak, ingat," paalala ko sa kanya.Halos kita lahat ng ngipin niya sa laki ng ngiti. Lalong naningkit ang mga mata ni Jeremy as he giggled. Sinuot niya na ang sarili niyang bag, totally excited to meet his new friend.May tunog ng kotse mula
“I’m so sorry about what happened, Ivan. I’m okay now. I promise.”“Are you sure? Don’t worry about the kids. They are still playing upstairs. I hope you don’t mind though. I told Jeremy that you’re not feeling that well. Nagtatanong kasi siya kanina kung okay ka lang.”“No, that’s definitely okay. Thank you for covering up for me.”“Na-distorbo ko pa kayo. You were supposed to go somewhere tonight, right?”“Nah, Nate was cool with it. The meeting was also canceled. If anything, it definitely worked out for the kids. Baka nga may iiyak pag umuwi na kami.”“Si Jeremy or Nika?” I asked.“Both, I think.” “Nauna na ata akong umiyak.” I felt stupid when I remembered, in a funny, distracted way.“No. I don’t mean that.”“Ivan, relax. It’s a joke.” Whatever it was that he was doing, well, it’s working. I’m distracted and my mind is somewhere else. Hindi ko man nakalimutan kung ano ang nangyari kanina, I don’t feel the rush of panic anymore. I only have Ivan to thank for that. “Thank you.”“
"Shot puno! One shot!”Muntikan ko nang masarhan ng pinto si Ellie dahil sa gulat. Wala man lang god evening o kahit hi or hello. Talagang pagkabukas ng pinto ay sigaw agad ang bungad. Nakangisi pa ang loka at mukhang naka mission accomplished pa ang ekspresyon.Napahawak tuloy ako sa dibdib ko, while holding the door knob tightly. Balance. I need balance or else I might faint right here and now. “Don't do that again, please. Papatayin mo ako sa nerbyos, Ellie.”“Sus, di ka ba na surprise sa surprise ko? Hindi ka mamatay sa nerbyos, Cass. Mamatay ka sa sama ng loob dahil sa mga pangyayari ng buhay mo. Kaya nga may dala ako nito, ta-da!” She proudly held a bottle of wine, may kasama pang mga snacks.”“Ellie! Diba, I told you not to bring alcoholic where Jeremy might see.”“Hindi naman tayo magpapakita and ikaw ha, it’s just wine, Cass. There are other deadlier poison. Ito, parang anesthesia lang. Hindi ka nga mahihilo. Alangan naman mag pray at mag pray lang tayo sa harap ng bata no.”
Halos hindi na ako makalakad ng maayos dahil sa hilo. I was still aware of what was happening. Iyon nga lang, the world was spinning faster than it should be. Si Ellie, nakatulog na sa couch habang yakap-yakap ang walang laman na wine bottle.I thought being tipsy was supposed to distract you until you fell asleep. Bakit kahit nahihilo ako ay naaalala ko pa rin lahat?I'm not drunk yet. At least, not drunk enough to pass out. I remained seated on the floor while staring at the now empty wine glass. Gustuhin ko mang uminom pa, wala na din naman palang natira. One sip made me cry like a dying wolf yet this whole glass couldn't knock me out. How ironic.Pinilit kong tumayo pero nahagip ng mga mata ko ang phone ko. I know I shouldn't pick it up because I may call the wrong person or say the wrong words but as soon as I unlocked the phone, alam kong wala nang atrasan ito.It’s 2 AM. Nothing good happens after 2 am and this could be an example. JACOB TANCalling...The sound of ringing wa
“Baby, how was school?”“Mimi, I'm not a baby anymore. See? I’m wearing my uniform. That means I’m a big boy na.”Natatawa na lang ako sa anak ko. The kids then comfortably played in the living room with Nika's toys while I remained seated in the empty dining area. My hands carefully traced the outside of the glass of water.Si Jacob ba talaga ang nakita ko kanina? or was it just someone who looked like him?Did he see me? Did he see Jeremy?Hindi pa rin ako mapakali.I thought it was a bit unfair. Hindi ko kasi mapigilan ang sarili ko. Kahit na wala naman akong ginawang mali. If anything, ako pa nga ang nasaktan pero bakit ako din ang nagbabayad sa pagkukulang niya? Why do I have to blame myself for loving the wrong man? Eh, isang pagkakamali lang iyon."Are you okay?"Ivan's voice brought me back to reality. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya ang nakita ko pero baka naman I’m only overthinking. Nakatingin siya habang hinihintay ang susunod kong sasabihin. Hindi ko napansin na kanina pa pa
“Aalis ka na? Just like that?” Troy asked me. I nodded. My work here is done. It wasn’t my intention to pop out of nowhere. I know when my presence isn’t welcome and I don’t want to lay burden on people I’ve hurt in the past. I contemplated many times, wondering if I should see Cass… It was shameless of me, but I did. Regrets? Hindi ko alam. I’m sorry if I hurt her by showing my face again but I wasn’t sorry I saw her again. Ilang taon ko ding hiniling na makita siya ulit, even from afar. But I needed to say I’m sorry because I really was… I still am. “I'm leaving later but before that, I still have one last thing to do.” “Ano naman iyon?” “Something.” “Fine. Bahala ka nga. Don’t tell me.” Napailing na lang ako as Troy pretended to sulk and walked out of my temporary office. As soon as he left the room, I opened the drawer. I got a pen and paper. The blank page was so intimidating even when I already knew what to write. Napabuntong-hininga ako and stared at the blank page for
“Baby, I have something to tell you.”Jeremy pouted as he moved closer. Ilang araw ko ding pinag-isipan kung paano sasabihin sa anak ko ang kondisyon niya. He knows something wasn’t right. Palagi niya akong tinatanong kung okay lang ako dahil masyado daw akong tahimik. Masyado kasing malalim ang iniisip ko because I don’t want him to panic. Ang ending tuloy, I’m causing him to worry.“I’m not a baby anymore, Mommy.”“Oh. Ngayon na gusto mong sabihin na hindi ka na baby, ayaw mo nang mag-Mimi sa akin.” I teased. “I have something to tell you but let’s wait for your Dad.”“Why do we have to wait for him?” “Because he also has something to tell you.”Saktong nag-ring naman ang doorbell. I opened the door and as expected, Jake was standing there. Kung anong tapang niya nung hinarap niya ang mga magulang ko, today was the opposite. Kahit nakangiti ay hindi niya maitago ang kaba. Eto talagang si Jacob ay si Jeremy lang ang kahinaan.“You arrived just in time. We were talking about you.”“R
“What do you mean Jeremy’s sick?” Papa said.Mama was so speechless that she couldn’t even speak. Kahit ako nay nahihirapang i-explain ang sitwasyon. I am so tempted to call Jake and let him do the explaining. He knows this disease more and he knows what can be done. Baka alam niya kung paano pakalmahin ang mga magulang ko because if it’s only me… hindi ko alam.“Not my apo.” Mama finally said something.Jeremy is taking a nap upstairs. I told Rina na huwag muna siyang pababain dahil kailangan naming mag-usap nina Mama at Papa.“Is this the reason bakit sinugod siya sa hospital?”“Yes. We’ll have him checked with a specialist immediately and see the options for treatment.”“And do we have an idea what are the options?” Tanong ni Papa.“Hindi ako sigurado, Pa. I… I only knew about this now at kahit ako, wala masyadong alam tungkol dito. I will do my own research but..” I held my breath. Wala sa plano kong hindi sabihin sa kanila ito but it’s so hard to keep this a secret. Hindi ko kayan
I meant what I said. Still, I shouldn’t have said it.Nung niyakap ako ni Jake, napagtanto kong kahit na anong galit ko sa kanya, I missed him. Ano bang nangyari nung may sakit siya? While I was hurting, was he hurting too? Of course, he was. He wouldn’t be crying this much if he wasn’t. We could’ve been there for each other. Kung sana, hindi ako tumigil sa pagtatanong kung kamusta na siya, there could’ve been an us.“I won’t. I promise.” Bulong niya sa akin. “I’ll be here for you always, Cass. For you and Jeremy.”It was what I needed to hear. Hindi ko kayang mag-isa ito.I could feel the longing with his stare. His thumb continuously softly brushes my cheek. “I… I lo-”Napahinto kami pareho nung mag-ring ang phone ko. I swiftly moved away in a panic lalo na nung makita ko ang pangalan ni Ivan sa screen. I looked at Jake but he was looking away. I hesitated if I should answer the call, pero hindi ba mas lalong magiging mali kung hindi ko sasagutin? “Hello?” I finally answered.“Hi,
“What?” I don’t know if it was loud enough for Jake to hear dahil kahit ako, hindi ko marinig ang sarili kong boses. What he said played in my mind again and I refuse to believe it. I changed my mind. “Don’t say it again.”I needed to leave here. Kailangan kong lumayo sa kanya. Whatever it was that I was feeling… It hurts so much that I feel numb.“Cass.”“Stay away from me.” I closed my eyes before I ended up breaking down.“Cass, I’m sorry.”“Sige nga.” I challenged him. “What are you sorry for? Because my son is sick? O baka naman dahil sa ginawa mo sa akin noon. Are you sorry for hurting me? Are you sorry I had to go through so much because you left me?”“I didn’t want to leave you.”“But you did, Jake.” I paused while I catch my breath. Nanginginig ako dahil sa sobrang lungkot at galit. “Am I supposed to feel guilty now dahil iniwan mo ko? Don’t say it was because of me because I would’ve wanted to be there. In sickness and in health, Jacob. I was ready to make the promise.”“I wa
It was so stupid of me to let my guards down, but I’m really glad I have him here. It was comforting to know that someone who knows my pain is by my side.I brought myself back to reality when my phone started ringing.Ivan’s name popped on the screen. Lumayo ako kay Jake and took a second to breathe.“Hello. Ivan?”“How are you? Is everything all right? I was calling you and Ellie but no one’s answering. May nangyari ba.”I looked at Jake pero na kay Jeremy na ang attention niya. He was combing Jeremy’s hair.“I’m sorry. May nangyari lang. Inaasikaso kasi namin ngayon si Jeremy.”“Why? What happened” He sounded so worried sick. I can imagine Ivan, with a furrow in his forehead and a worried look on his face. “Okay lang ba siya?”I nodded my head, “Yes, he's fine. Medyo nahirapan lang siyang huminga kanina but he's now sleeping…” “What?” He gasped. “Is he okay? What did the doctor say?”“They are still running some tests.”I am so dizzy. Naubos ata lahat ng lakas ko kanina.“How abou
“Baby... Baby... Are you okay?" Natatarantang tanong ko. I combed his hair and then cupped his cheeks. His lips parted as he breathed heavily, gasping for air.My hand started shaking so badly that I couldn’t touch him anymore.“Ellie!” Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. I searched for something that I can use para paypayan siya. Binigyan naman ako ni Ellie galing sa bag niya at nanginginig na inabot niya sa akin iyon. “Ellie, can you call for an ambulance?”I watched as my son clutched his chest. He closed his eyes and his hand that was holding me tightly lost strength. “Jeremy. Jeremy.” I tapped his cheeks. “Listen to Mommy. Jeremy.”Hinihingal pa rin si Jeremy habang papunta kami sa pinakalapit na hospital. Thakfully, mayroong ten minutes away lang. Hawak-hawak ko ang kamay ni Jeremy. Wala pa rin siyang sinasabi but I could feel his hand holding me. I should be the one calming my son pero parang ako pa tuloy ang kumukuha ng lakas mula sa kanya.Medyo masakitin si Jeremy but it
“May gusto ka bang pasalubong?” Jake sounded a lot more cheerful than his usual tone. In my head, I already called this ‘Jake’s Daddy Voice’. The one he exclusively uses for Jeremy. I was holding my laugh at first dahil never ko pa siyang narinig magsalita that way but as time passed by, I got used to it. In fact, I appreciate everything he does for Jeremy, conscious or not. As long as he's keeping his word, I’m willing to let go of the past for Jeremy’s sake. Babalik kasi si Jake sa abroad, just for a week. Matagal na nga siguro dapat siyang umalis. He’d ask me, “Cass, would it be fine if I leave for work?” It’s for work and I know this arrangement. From day one, alam kong he wouldn’t be around every day for the whole year. I’d tell him, “Yeah, sure. Wala namang problema. You tell me when’s your flight and when you plan to come back and see Jake, you can also tell me. So, we can make an arrangement.” And what? We had that conversation every week hanggang sa napagtanto kong, it wa
“Mimi! Mimi! Mimi, wake up ka na.”Gising na ako but I couldn’t open my eyes. Alam na alam ng katawan ko that it’s the weekend and it’s asking for more sleep. My son, on the other hand, is asking for more playtime.I peeked at his excited face, already full of that young energy. I feel so old most especially when I can’t keep up with his excitement. I smiled, "Yes, sweetie. I know, but can you let your Mom sleep for a little while?" Agad naman siyang ngumuso at mukhang malapit nang magtampo. I touched his cheek, "Then we can do anything you want after. Ipagluluto din kita ng kahit na anong gusto mo."“Okay. I’ll let my Mom sleep but cook a lot of corned beef for me, Mimi.”“See. You can call me Mom naman pala or Mommy. Why do you insist on calling me Mimi?” I laughed.Jeremy shrugged. For him, I’ll always be his Mimi. “I don’t know. I like Mimi more. See you in the kitchen! Love you!”Imbes na matulog ulit ako ay pinilit ko na lang bumangon. Ayan, nahawa na nga yata ako sa energy niya
It was almost a new feeling of relief when I woke up in the morning. Walang pinagbago but I felt so much better. A lot better than yesterday.I remember the feeling of being sick almost to the point of feeling numb and my head was spinning I felt so dizzy. Ni hindi ko na nga maalala kung nakapagpaalam ba ako sa anak ko. My memory was still a bit blurry.I fixed myself in front of the mirror. Ang gulo-gulo ng buhok ko at pati ang mukha kong kahit naka-recover na sa lagnat ay nangangailangan pa rin ng ayos.I freshened up before heading to Jeremy's room, almost a habit. Naalala ko na lang na wala pala siya dito."Good morning po, Ma'am!""Good morning, Rina. Wala pa si Jeremy?"Mukh