Chapter 02

Midnight Rendezvous

“Drink these medicines to ease the pain of your knee”

My nurse said to me and I just nodded like a dead person.

“You know what you are still lucky because your spinal cord is not affected, you might not be able to walk anymore if it is affected”

I chose to remain silent because I don‘t know if I am still lucky. I can’t even walk so where is the luck?

I just started my therapy and it sucks. I feel like it doesn’t help me to recover, my parents are the one who insisted that I should undergo therapy

I look at the door when it swung open, and I saw my doctor who is ear to ear smiling at me

“How are you Ms. Esperanza?” he asked

I don’t know if they are just dumb or blind that they can’t see how horrible m y situation right now

“Still breathing” I whispered

“I heard from your parents that you can manage to walk already. That is great! But you have to be careful on not bending your knees” he reminded me

Still I remained silent.

“Seems like you are not in the mood again, so maybe you need some rest I know that you got tired from your therapy”

They immediately leave the room and left me staring in nowhere. I r5olled my eyes after they leave. They act like they care but they really don’t. I am just a source of money

My parents told me that after two weeks will be the second death anniversary of Paige but I told them many times that I will not celebrate it with them, because I still can’t accept his tragic death

My tears started to fall again so I decided to switch on the television to entertain myself, but I think it is a wrong move.

The moment that I switched on the television news about a new lead ballerina is currently the topic

Julija Queriza the newest lead ballerina caught the attention of people. She replaced the former lead ballerina Penelope Esperanza

My lips quivered, astonished because of the news. I never thought that someone already replaced me, after two years someone stole my thrown and I don’t even know her!

I felt the urge to punch someone right now; I want to hurt everyone around me and especially that girl who replace me

“That is not true!” I shouted

Then it happens. I can’t stop myself from shouting; I started to ruin everything around me. I threw the vase in the television.

I tried to stand up but I tripped down on the floor. I started to cry and banged my head on the wall, and then I saw something that will surely end everything

I grab it without hesitation, I don’t know if it is just my imagination but someone is telling me that it is the right thing to do

My dad immediately entered the room but it is too late. I slashed my hand without hesitation

***

“Are you okay penny?” my mom asked

Two weeks ago I attempted to kill myself, but here I am still breathing and whole. The doctors saved me since the cut on my wrist is not that deep

After that they transferred me on another room where the only thing that is in my room is a hospital bed and a small dining table and some chairs. My room doesn’t have window for me to avoid jumping

They only roam me around the hospital because I am not allowed to go out because they don’t want me to be exposed

My therapy is such a waste; my knees are always trembling even if I drink the medicines they don’t help

My healing process got longer since I don’t regularly go in therapy

“You are asking me that question, really? Well the answer is too obvious mama” I said

The accident totally affected my attitude, Not only my attitude but the whole me. I feel like I am not the prim and proper Penelope Esperanza, more likely the brat Penelope

I feel like I am spiritually and mentally dead. Every time I wake up I feel so tired even though I am not doing anything

“I know that you are having a hard time but you need to eat. Look at yourself! You look so pale and lifeless!” she pointed out

“Well literally I am lifeless mama!” I shouted

I brushed my hair up using hand because of frustration. “I don’t’ want to leave anymore! Can’t you understand that? I am so tired mama, why can’t you just leave me alone?”

There is no day that I don’t blame myself because of the accident. I am the reason why Paige died.

“Just let me die. This is useless mama, I lost everything; my brother, career and my dreams. You are just wasting your money” I pleaded

A hot liquid fell from my eyes. Even though I am already tired I still got energy to cry

“We are still here Penny, me and your father loves you that is why you need to regain your strength. Your brother won’t be happy penny. Today is his death anniversary”

I rolled my eyes “I won’t be celebrating his death anniversary, I know he is still here”

I faced her with bloodshot eyes “and mama, don’t talk like as if you understand my situation because you never did”

I can see in her eyes how hurt she is “why can’t you accept that he is already dead!”

“Because I want to see his body!” I shouted

My mother started crying and I too. “If he really died then I will blame myself forever”

Because I know it is my fault, if only I didn’t let go his hands then he might be safe right now

“I think we need to move on. We are planning to move in UK for our business” She carefully said it to me

“We already lost your brother, we can’t afford losing you. You are the only child we have” she added

I can her sincerity which made me cry again. I don’t know what to do anymore; I am confused and totally tired. I am sure that I already lost my sanity

“I don’t know mama. I don’t want to move, I want to stay here. If you want to go in UK just leave me here”

“You really don’t want us in your life?” she asked painfully

“I am tired telling you my decisions. Can’t I live my life the way I wanted to?” I asked

She wiped away the tears in her face “maybe you should think about it first. You should sleep first because I have to leave”

She walked towards me and kissed me on my forehead, after that she left me

I laughed at her words, really? She wants me to sleep? She is totally clueless about my mental health

My psychiatrist said that I am suffering from PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder and mild depression. Curable but hard, that is why every night I am having nightmares, and it is always the face of Paige falling in the cliff

Sometimes I felt like I can’t breathe or I am drowning and my psychiatrist said that it is all because of trauma

I stared at the ring that Paige gave to me. He is the only person I can lean on, that is why I keep on blaming God, there are a lot of people and yet He chose to take away my brother

Because of my deep thoughts, even though I don’t want to sleep, I still ended up sleeping

“Please don’t leave me behind” Paige said while smiling

“Paige” I said, and my tears started to fall

“Penny!” then I suddenly saw again his face when he is falling

“Paige!” I shouted

The moment that I woke up I am sweating bullets. My hospital gown is totally soak in sweat and seems like I had a bath on my bed

I heard whispers in the room, it is like there is a deafening sound in the room but silence is the only sound that envelops my surrounding.

Different laughs of people started to roar in my room and it irritates me. I ended up covering my ears because of the whispers that I am hearing

“Please just stop” I pleaded

I want to end everything

I tried to stand up even though it hurts. The first time I tried I stumbled in the floor; later on I was able to walk however my knees are shaking. I carefully walk down on the aisle

They don’t lock the door because from time to time nurses check my condition.

In the middle of suffering there is always a place that might help you to end the pain

The moment that I reach the place I feel alive again. To see the sky with lots of stars makes me smile, and of course the city lights

“So beautiful” I said

After two years I finally see something spectacular

A tears stared to fall, can’t believe that I can still be able to see the outside world. Even in my darkest time I still can see light

“Please don’t curse me for you will witness how I am going to take my last breath” I whispered to the stars

I removed my ring and let it fall on the ground. I am ready to jump when someone spoke

“Gonna commit suicide?” a voice of a man asked

His question is like a wind that I didn’t bother to listen. Isn’t obvious?

“Go ahead, surely your body will shatter into pieces and it will be your death. So do it”

I didn’t dare to look at him, I mean for what? I am planning to kill myself so I don’t have to make a new connection with someone, but to be honest I felt scared because of his words

“Just jump lady; you are just wasting time no one cares about you”

He is telling the truth; no one cares about me. I was amaze; he speaks like he knows me

“You don’t know how hard my life is so don’t interrupt my plan” I said

He walked towards me “just jump. I bet you won’t be doing it”

“I know what you are thinking that I am selfish because I will kill myself without thinking about how my parents will feel” I said

“Exactly, you are hopeless. You are an excess baggage to your parents’ life, a damsel in distress” he said

His words made me cry again. “Will you fucking stop? I will jump no matter what happen!”

“Then fucking do it” he said

I closed my eyes because of the doubt I felt in my decision.

When I open my eyes I look at the man in his eyes. He is deeply staring at me like he knows me.

“Turn around, you don’t have to see me committing suicide” I said

He immediately followed my instruction “the moment that I turn around you should jump”

I looked at how high the building is. It is true that it is too high, can I do it? Is it painful if I do it? Will my pain vanish the moment I die?

“After you commit suicide tell me if it is painful” he shouted

Instead of jumping I just sat down, and my tears started to fall again. He got me; his words made me feel weak

“I don’t want to feel like a burden but I don’t know how to get on my feet again” I said

That is how I really feel, I know how to fight my battle and I am full of hope

I put my hand on my face to hide my tears from him “I don’t know myself anymore, I am too drain. I don’t fucki8ng know how to start again”

“You just have to start again, killing yourself is not a choice. There is another way, killing yourself will not stop your suffering, you will just pass it to your parents”

I felt his presence on my side. He sighed “and another thing, God will not accept you in heaven, it is a heavy sin to kill yourself”

I looked at him and he is also looking at me “how to start when I have nothing? My brother died because of me, I don’t deserve to live”

He smiled at me “everyone deserves to live, and it is not bad to get lost. You just have to make sure that you will go back to your senses”