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188
I stare at the folded paper in my hand, with shaking fingers, the envelope discarded, now lying on the bed with his neat scroll on the front. I take an eternity to run my fingers across the neat lettering, pain shooting through me from every angle. I inhale deeply steadying my nerves, unfolding the thick cream paper, biting my lip. I drag courage from somewhere telling myself I should dive in and do it.
Emma,I’m sorry, bambino, so extremely sorry. I don’t even know what writing to you is going to achieve, but I had to do something. I saw them packing up every piece of you and I had to stop myself from tearing it out of their hands and holding onto it all. I can’t bear it. I feel like everything they remove is a slash across my heart.
I know I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’ll do anything to have it, anything to get you back. I made a stupid mistake, I wasn’t
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You’re killing me, Emma. I’ll do what you ask. Xxx I love you so much.I don’t feel any better with his response, an inner wave of disappointment that he’s not trying to change my mind. Anger boils up inside of me, coming from nowhere, and with it the impulse to smash my phone off a wall.What the hell is wrong with me? What is with my undying need to make Jake come after me and devour me? It was the same when we fought after Arrick’s birthday. My anger wanted him to take me with a vicious passion, as though he had no control, and now here I am angry because he isn’t ignoring my wishes and pushing his way here to see me. It’s like I need the extreme from him. Maybe the lack of real love in my life growing up has caused this deep aching desire to have someone show their love in dominant ways. I can’t begin to analyze that right now. All I know is I want him to take away my decision to not see him,
The Carrero Effect 190
“Oh, my God! Leila get down!” I’m laughing so hard my sides hurt as Leila dances along the bar top shimmying and singing full pelt into the wireless mic of the karaoke machine. She’s in full rock star mode, strutting her stuff like a coyote ugly wannabe. Sarah is so drunk she’s sprawled over the bar; laughing at my poor attempts to control the wild petite blonde.“Leave her alone honey, she looks mighty fine up there.” Some sleazy fat man grabs my wrist tugging my arm from Leila’s leg and I recoil in disgust at his touch. His eyes travel up under the dress she borrowed from me to wear and my repulsion grows into something more empowering; seething anger. I elbow him hard in the ribs and stand back with a feisty glare when he comes around at me. “What the hell is wrong with you? Crazy bitch!” He moves in angrily, but my inner anger and psycho switch clicks on, pulling my height up to its full length in readiness, too
The Carrero Effect 191
“I don’t know where we are; somewhere Leila brought us. Sarah’s here too but I think she’s dead.” I watch as she slides ungracefully off the bar where her body previously was,and she ends up in a disheveled heap on the floor, behind her bar stool between two men who are seemingly ignoring her. For someone who thinks Sarah might’ve died I don’t seem overly concerned. I trip toward her a little, stooping to see if she’s breathing, almost losing my balance, and nearly fall on top of her. “Never mind. She’s just snoring,” I slur down the phone with a dramatic sigh of relief. I slump down on my knees beside her to peel what looks like a beer mat off her cheek.Yay, my friend isn’t dead after all. But that is disgusting.I hold the beer mat out in front of me and squint, looking at the blurry, sticky vile thing, before tossing it casually over my shoulder and rub my hands, on Sarah’s
The Carrero Effect 192
I squirm in anger to be released but Jake only tightens his hold and gives me a look that tells me to leave it alone.“You know as soon as you let her go, she’s going to give you a black eye for that right?” Jake throws back, with an edge to his tone, and follows Daniel to the waiting car. It’s the black four by four, usually driven by Jefferson but he’s nowhere to be seen.“Looking forward to her trying.” Daniel prods Leila in the ass, looking mightily pissed. “Still with me, kitten? You’re awfully quiet up there now.” He shifts her weight on his shoulder for a better grip; almost as though he’s trying to shake a response from her.“Screw you,” Leila mumbles from her hanging head, hair falling over so I can’t make out her features, her hands are up near her face and suddenly I realize she’s cry
The Carrero Effect 193
I must’ve gone back to sleep at some point in the car ride through the city because I wake up, completely disorientated, in a very familiar bed; Sarah’s loud snoring and body next to me. I sit up, warily, as the spinning nausea and headache of the world’s worst hangover hits me, and I push down the urge to throw up.The room is dark and quiet but that doesn’t mean much. Jake has blackout shades on all his windows, blocking out the sun whenever he wants to sleep. I scramble around under the sheets, catching the smell of him from the cushions under my head, and it instantly overwhelms with me with a mix of longing, pain, and upset.I still don’t know how to feel. Great.I slide out and carefully tread my way to the bedroom door, not wanting to wake Sarah or anyone else; especially when I’ve no idea what time it is. I open the door slightly and hear muffled voices coming from the kitchen, followed by a sudden rush of bri
The Carrero Effect 195
“I’m sorry.” I fumble the words out, embarrassed, my eyes hit my fingers in my lap, and I twist at the hem of my very short dress.Great way to show the man who hurt you that you’re so in control and worth every inch of fight to get you back. Especially when you drunk dial him, need his rescue, and then throw up at his feet.Classy, Emma … just classy.“Don’t be, I’m glad I was the one there to take care of you. It was a drunk Emma I’ve never met before.” His eyes linger this time and I can feel them boring into me a little too closely, his scrutiny making me feel more awkward. I wish the ground would just open below my feet and swallow me whole.Sarah wanders over toward us and turns green at the sight of food. Jake waves a mug at her to offer coffee, his eyes finally giving me
The Carrero Effect 196
I stand in the shower for an unbelievably long time, the hot water pouring down me, refreshingly, helps to push the nausea down. I’m aching at everything so familiar about being here, so many memories and thoughts of Jake beside me. I feel like I’ve woken inside a dream, some strange alternate reality where I never left, and this feels like where I should be. It’s disconcerting and doesn’t help my emotionally confused state of mind at all.Fully cleansed of my shameful drunken night and drying myself I can hear noise in the apartment. The sound of music drifting though the walls and I know Jake must be back. I pause for a moment listening to the faint drifting of one of his favorite songs and the sound of a juicer going in the kitchen, emotion swirling in apprehension in my stomach. I’m nervous being here with him, being alone and having to face him.I pull on an oversized white bath robe and wander cautiously out through to the large open
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“You look beautiful, neonata,” he says, almost as though he can read my mind. I swallow hard as the lump of emotion threatens to rise through my throat at the fact that he always knows.Is there another human being alive so effortlessly in tune with me? Who always says just what I need to hear?“I look tired and awful,” I reply quietly. “I haven’t been sleeping a whole lot lately.” I bring my hands to the hem of the cozy long jumper dress, fiddling with the soft wool, and chew my lip. Now I’m here beside him and ready to get this out I don’t know what to say or how to say it; I don’t even know what I want.“Makes two of us.” His voice is lighter and without looking up I can tell he’s staring at me with his beautifully gorgeous green eyes.God, I miss him so much.Even his smell and closeness are aiding wounds that have opened over the last few d
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