Never had I seen Brett so emotional, so shattered. My failure left him bereft and brokenhearted. As I rode to the hospital, he held my hand, while my mind bombarded me with painful memories and thoughts of worthlessness. Plagued by inadequacy, I wondered how my husband would endure my punishments, those God kept placing on me. The guilt was almost unbearable. I tried to stop the tears; I didn't deserve to cry. This was warranted, my penance for not saving Will, for not having the strength or the courage to do what was necessary to pull him out of his living hell. Then there was Cole, once again my weakness, weakness for a man, had cost me a life. I thought I'd done things differently this time. "Sweetheart, talk to me." Brett's faint voice dragged me out of the haze.Unable to respond verbally, I squeezed his hand to acknowledge I'd heard him and offered him a meager grimace hoping to pass it off as a smile. "Are you in pain...physically?" The hesitation in his voice indicated his
It was a struggle not to succumb to the devastation of losing another baby. Brett was disappointed, but he didn't outwardly look to cast blame on me. Although, he had suggested I go back to seeing my counselor on my own in addition to our time with him as a couple. Somehow it felt like starting over-the pain of another loss, but Dr. Carthage kept reminding me how differently I had dealt with this miscarriage. When I got home from the hospital, I stayed in bed for one solid day. Brett stayed with me catering to my needs, holding me. But on the second day home, we got up and spent the day together trying to be normal. We'd called in sick, which neither of us ever did, but it was necessary and had been much needed. There were tears and sadness, but I wasn't overcome with the level of grief I'd suffered with Cole. It took Dr. Carthage pointing out that didn't mean I loved this child any less, it simply meant I had learned to cope-without drugs-and without falling into a pit of despair. I
Fourteen days flew by, and pre-op had been a bunch of nothing. Brett and I were sitting at the hospital at the ass-crack of dawn waiting to be taken back. I thought I'd be nervous or afraid, but an eerie calm had washed over me. Brett, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck."Brett, you need to calm down. Your leg bouncing like a rubber ball is making me anxious." I tried to tease him with a poke in the side, but he scowled in return. "Being grumpy won't change anything. All it does is make the time before the procedure miserable for both of us.""I can't help it, Annie. Going under anesthesia for any reason is dangerous, and I'm nervous. It's the most helpless feeling in the world to sit and wait. Every bit of what happens is out of my control. I'm worried, so give me a break." His breath hitched when he said the last word, and my heart ached."I know. I do. But, people go under anesthesia every day. This is really important to me, and the answer is more valuable than the risk.""
Three hours had passed, no one had been out to update me, and I began to panic, more than I had when we passed the two-hour mark. Dr. Matthews indicated the procedure normally took one to two hours but could go three depending on what they found. He said nothing about it being longer, and in my estimation, she should be in recovery by now. I'd been up to the nurse's desk a handful of times, and with each visit, she was more sympathetic than the last but still had no answers. Dr. Matthews came through the double doors after three hours and seventeen minutes with a grave look on his face. He balled his surgical mask in his hand before extending the other in a formal greeting."Mr. Ryann, you can come back to see her. I'll go over what we found with you, but she'll likely be in recovery for another hour before you guys move to a room. Once she's awake, I'll be happy to answer any questions you have in greater detail." He clapped me on the shoulder in a brotherly fashion and led me to m
When her eyes began to open, she found me instantly. A sleepy smile graced her lips, and my heart beamed with pride amidst the pain she was soon to face. Even in a hospital bed, she was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever laid eyes on. I stood and kissed her cheek."Hey, sweetheart. How are you feeling?"She didn't respond, but her smile grew larger, and her eyes closed. It was hard not to chuckle at her drug-induced haze. There was no point in rushing her through it-reality would be sobering enough when it hit, and it would wait on her. In and out of consciousness, or maybe just sleep, she finally spoke a little when a nurse roused her. Her vitals were good, and the nurse assured me she just needed to rest, so we moved to a room upstairs. My legs grew numb sitting in a miserable chair watching countless programs on television while I waited for her. Part of me wondered if subconsciously she knew what she would face if she opened her eyes and welcomed the world back. The mind was capa
I hadn't been able to persuade Brett that buying a baby wasn't an option. He had convinced himself we could simply put out feelers on the black market and have an infant next week. In his mind, with enough money, we could have whatever we wanted. While I loved his exuberance, he wouldn't even know how to go underground if it were an option. One thing he had proven, repeatedly, was his love and devotion. It was unwavering, and regardless of how much I struggled against it, his commitment remained intact. In the weeks following the miscarriage, I spent more time with Dr. Carthage wondering why everything was such a struggle for me. Normal people moved on, tried again, kept hoping, and considered other options. For me, there were no other options-everything was absolute and final. I wasn't interested in adoption the more I'd thought about it, and infertility treatments just weren't for me. We looked at in vitro, spent tons of time researching it, and even went to a specialist in Atlanta
The four of us met at a little Greek restaurant downtown, and the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew why Dan had kept her around. Lissa and I were so much alike it was uncanny. Brett and Dan were like twins, and this girl and I could have passed for the same. I assumed when Brett told me where we were going it was to appease my casual style. Turned out, Dan had picked the restaurant, and it suited both me and Lissa. All the way down to her worn black Docs. Lissa's kind heart showed through in everything she did, from the way she watched Dan, to her touching his forearm when she recalled a story from one of their dates. But she could go toe to toe with him. When he gave her a ration of crap, she held her own. Her eyes danced in playful jest as they bantered back and forth. I'd never seen Dan with a woman who complemented him as well as Lissa did. The fact she was stunning only further helped her case. Dan's features never registered with me. He was my husband's best friend since birt
Brett left early the next morning to meet Dan for a basketball tournament at the YMCA. The league they played in held a tournament at the end of every season, and their team typically made it to the finals. This was the semi-finals, and they'd be gone most of the day. Leaning off the side of the bed, I dug my phone out of my jeans to send him a text wishing him good luck and to tell him I loved him. I'd forgotten about silencing the conversation with Gray until I saw the red notification that glowed on the message app.Gray: How'd you know I got divorced?Gray: Never mind. I'm sure Brett told you.Gray: I guess you're busy. I thought Brett was out of town this weekend and had hoped we could talk.Gray: Guess not.Gray: It's been a really hard day. Needed a friend. You're the only person who understands.I read his texts over and over, contemplating the best way to handle the situation, whether or not to reply. My text to Brett forgotten, my fingers hovered over the keyboard in