After Gray had learned about Will, he'd been careful on how he approached anything new in the weeks that followed. He wanted to push the envelope beyond missionary but wasn't interested in a repeat of the night he tried to take me from behind. I appreciated his understanding, and at times, he coddled me. I wanted to grow, move past the barriers I'd held on to. My psychiatrist believed our exploration was healthy and encouraged me to continue as long as I felt comfortable, but that was just it, I wasn't sure where to draw that line. So we'd agreed to explore together-the trust this required from me was enormous. I struggled with disconnecting the abuse I'd witnessed Will endure, from a healthy sex life.Gray came in the door with a black plastic bag. I knew he was up to something. I gave him a kiss on the lips, and asked, "What's in the bag?""I got you something. Well, I got you something, and I got us something." He reached into the bag and pulled out a sleek pink vibrator and a D
"Gray! Have you seen my tennis shoes? I'll be late for my first class. Gray! Please help me find them." I flung stuff out of the closet like my life depended on it when an arm snaked around my waist and hauled me back, lifting my feet off the ground. Gray's outstretched hand held the missing shoes for me, and then his lips were on my neck."Calm down, sweetheart. You have plenty of time to get to class." I loved the sound of his deep baritone voice. It was smooth and rich, comforting, and warmed me to the core. He gave me a little squeeze before I threw on my shoes. I grabbed my book bag and gave him a chaste kiss before running to class.My first week was always a struggle after being off for any length of time whether it was the summer or winter break. The six weeks I'd just had off between fall and the start of the spring semester was enough for me to relax before the grind of spring classes returned today. I had several proposals I was putting out to potential clients, and t
Gray and I kept rehashing the same conversation-we both missed the other. He had tons of spare time during the week, and I had none."I sound like a bitch complaining, Annie. I know you work your ass off, but I need you, too. It's like the sun doesn't shine during the day anymore without you around. I knew what I was getting into, and it's not fair to ask you to change your goals to accommodate my life, but baby, I'm lonely." It was weird to hear my alpha-male talk about the sun not shining and the darkness in his life. It also hadn't escaped my attention that if I didn't meet his needs, someone else would always be willing to. He had never said that, nor had he implied it, but I wasn't stupid. I didn't need someone to draw me a map to reach that conclusion.The first time we had this discussion, he had made the mistake of telling me Abby was always home when he got there, waiting for him, at his beck and call. I reminded him of how that ended and couldn't stop the nagging thoug
His voice was just out of reach, but the sobs seemed nearby. His arms surrounded me, his head pressed to the top of mine, and my body held tightly against his chest. I sensed everything about him, but the fog in my mind wouldn't allow me to comfort him, confide in him, or reassure him I was okay. I needed to convince him, but my body refused to respond and show him any sign of life. Hearing his emotional distress killed me. I was so tired, the fog was so dense, and my limbs were like dead weight. The sirens in the distance offered me peace; someone would be with him soon to calm his nerves and reassure him. A deep voice I didn't recognize talked to him but not to comfort him. "Sir, you have to let her go for me to help her." As the security of his embrace escaped me, so did my will to fight to reach consciousness. I allowed myself to drift into the darkness, hoping rest would renew me. I drifted in and out, loopy from whatever I'd been given, and not entirely sure of where
The conversation with Jack had gone better than I expected. He wondered how long I would continue at the pace I'd been keeping before my body gave out. I was honest with him about the hospital stay, which of course disappointed him, but he admitted to having done stupid things along the way to keep his head above water. While he hadn't come out and said it, my drive for success is what made me a valuable employee-he had benefitted from my insatiable desire to overachieve. He liked the idea of me selling accounts and other people working them. I was thrilled when he agreed to let me direct my workload. It enabled me to take on as many or as few clients as I wanted and could handle. I wasn't surprised when he lowered my base salary and restructured my commission, but I was confident Jack would still make it worth my time. Maybe Gray's suggestion to cut back was a smart move. Anxious to tell him how our conversation had gone, I grabbed my phone from my backpack and sent him a message.M
With my promise came the attention from Gray I so desperately craved. We rang in my twenty-second birthday in June and his twenty-eighth in August, and the summer had been almost perfection. I never knew what to expect from him-he kept me on my toes, but always kept me interested. I had thought I'd struggle not to burn the candle at both ends. It's all I've known since Will died, it was how I kept the demons away, but Gray had filled the void I expected to seep into my daily life. It was odd to have time to hang out with him or my friends and not experience guilt for compromising my career or my education. I watched him in awe-the way he moved, the way he held himself-I loved all of it. I could stare at him for hours, but invariably he always caught me and gave me a hard time about stargazing. I'd respond with an eye roll and move on to something else. Tonight was no different."Are you committing my body to memory, Bird Dog?" I'd been gawking at him from the couch after he got
As the fall semester was coming to a close, I found myself dreading finals. The last couple of weeks, Gray had been distant. I might have been imagining it, or it was possibly just the amount of time I'd had to spend wrapping up school projects and studying, but something was off. The summer had been perfection and going back to school had been tough. Each semester got harder, and this one had been daunting. The truth was, I missed him. I had encouraged him to spend time with his friends, to go out, so he wasn't sitting here watching me work, but I hated not being able to go with him. But between me having no interest in bars, and his not wanting us to be caught in public together before his divorce was final, I was spending a lot of time alone. We went out together but tried to go to less public places, places where we were less likely to be noticed. I hated feeling like a dirty secret, but his ex was doing everything she could to slow down the divorce process. His friends all knew
I woke to the sun peering in through the shades we hadn't closed last night. I squinted my eyes as they became accustomed to the light. Rolling onto my back, I stretched my arms above my head, and I felt the weight of his bicep across my mid-section. Curling my arms into my chest, I moved toward him, and he instinctively drew me close, still asleep. I kissed his lips and whispered, "Gray, we need to get up." "I'm already up." He was groggy and sounded adorable. This was one of my favorite times with him-when it was just the two of us, and the world hadn't intruded on that state between sleep and awake. The warmth of our bodies together made my heart sing. "No, you're not. You're lying in bed half asleep." I coddled him with soft words. "Nope, I'm up." He took my hand and placed it between his legs. He was definitely up. He still hadn't opened his eyes, so I lifted the covers and crawled beneath the sheets, surrounded by the veil the bedding created. The instant I touched hi
Our story didn't stop at the courthouse. We had dinner with Brett and Annie that night and hovered around their kitchen table. My best friends allowed me to share Joshua with them and gave life to his memory. I showed them the only pictures I still had while holding Alissa in my arms. She smiled up at me as if she knew. That tiny human connected with me on a level she may never understand, but somehow, she knew-without Joshua, she wouldn't be here. Watching her run around with her friends as we celebrated her birth five years later, I couldn't help but think how foolish it would have been to walk away from all of this. Dan and I would never have children, but what we had was far better for us. Annie and Brett were more like siblings than friends, and their kids were amazing. We got to spoil them, take them anywhere we wanted, and send them home. We had family at holidays and special occasions, and we never missed out on anything either Grayson or Alissa were doing. But at the end of
I had called repeatedly, but each try had gone straight to voicemail. Either his phone was off, or it died without being charged overnight. I didn't want to speculate about which it was. I drove as quickly as I could and slammed the SUV in park in the first spot I could find before racing into the courthouse. I followed the signs to the Justice of the Peace, but when I reached the office, completely out of breath, Dan was nowhere to be found. The clock on the wall read 10:11 am. My eyes scanned the room, making sure to identify each person as a stranger before moving on to the next face. Surely, he hadn't left after ten minutes. He had to know I'd come. A guy slammed into my shoulder in his haste to rush out of the office, not even bothering to apologize for nearly knocking me over. But standing stock-still in the middle of the doorway probably wasn't the best idea. I just couldn't believe he'd left. I waited for hours for Matt to show up at the hospital, but Dan hadn't waited ten lo
My night had been restless, and just as quiet as the evening after Dan and I had gotten out of the bathtub. He left after dinner and went to Brett's house, but I didn't have the courage to ask him what he'd done while he was there. He returned in the same mood he'd left in, the one he was known for. To an outsider, he appeared unwavering-but I knew with time to think about it, he'd decide he couldn't stay."Did you want to get a new dress for tomorrow?" "For what?""To go to the courthouse? Or do you want to do the whole thing off the wall and wear jeans?" He kept unloading the dishwasher like he had asked what I needed from the grocery store. "I didn't think we were still doing that?" Maybe he'd taken up drinking.He turned toward me suddenly, dropping a dishtowel he'd used to dry his hands with. "What are you talking about? You said Monday. Tomorrow is Monday.""Dan...""No, don't Dan me. Has something changed that you don't want to marry me now?"Oh, for the love of God. I
I stood in the spot he left me in when he returned with towels from the dryer. He set them on the counter, turned off the water in the now full tub, and removed his clothes. I watched in a trance until he was before me with nothing on. With my hand in his, he stepped over the side of the bathtub and then helped me in. The garden tub was made for two, and I nestled myself between his legs while he leaned back. The bubbles created a cover, hiding our bodies except for the parts of us not under the water. My fingers fidgeted nervously with the white foam until he took my hand and wound his fingers between mine.He might have been waiting for me to start, but I didn't know what to say. The silence was painful, and I ran through the scenarios of how this might play out...none of which ended well."What was his name?" The words of inquiry fanned out against my skin like a warm blanket. They were gentle and softly spoken, inviting me to open up about a piece of me I hadn't shared with anyon
We walked into the sanctuary with two minutes to spare. Brett quickly found Dan, and Annie was in a tizzy. Alissa was nestled into a cradle her dad had created with his arm completely unaffected by her father's helpless panic. "Dude, slow down. What's wrong?"I held Dan's hand in front of Brett, but Alissa had my attention. Just as Brett started to answer Dan's question, Annie came around the corner. Her face was flush, and if I had to bet, I'd say she was roughly two minutes from pulling her hair out.I hadn't heard anything Brett said to my fiancé. The moment Annie got close enough, I saw why she was distressed. Grayson had spit up all over his christening gown...and it stunk, even from here.People started to fill the pews. "What do you need me to do, Annie?"Brett stepped in, suddenly relieved and in control. "Nothing. We're good. Dan went to get stuff out of the car."My brow scrunched in confusion. I had no idea what was going on or how Dan was helping."Seriously, Lissa.
The time on my phone couldn't be right. There was no way it was a quarter to eight. Somehow in my haste to get to sleep I either hadn't turned on my alarm or had turned it off an hour ago when it rang. I threw the covers back and practically fell out of bed. The thud of my body on the floor woke Dan whose concern, while well intended, only slowed my progress out the door."Let me go. I have fifteen minutes to get to Annie's house, and I had planned to shower before I went."He didn't relinquish his grasp on me once he got up. "Lissa, calm down. You aren't going to do anyone any good in a panic." I relaxed until I felt the tension in his arms subside and then made my break. "I'll be back. Can you get the gifts out of the closet and throw them in the bags on the kitchen counter? There's tissue paper there, too.""Sure, where are they?"I raced around tearing my pajamas off to put on a bra and some real clothes. As much as I loved Brett, I wasn't interested in him seeing any more of
"You look like shit, Lissa. Did you have a baby that keeps you up at night, and I missed it?"I swung my attention to Annie to find her giggling to herself. "You don't look so hot yourself, heifer." The wink I shot her direction ensured she saw my playfulness. "I haven't slept all that well the last couple nights." I didn't need to tell her why."Bad dreams?" She'd become a pro at this whole parenting gig. She never missed a beat with either kid and managed to hold completely coherent, adult conversations while breastfeeding one and changing the other. Anyone else would need more hands but not Annie Ryann. "I don't know what it is. Just not getting a lot of rest."She stopped what she was doing and gave me the eye. The one that told me she didn't believe a word I said. I scooped Alissa up and ignored her."Spill it.""There's nothing to spill. I'm just not sleeping well.""Are you nervous about getting married?"Her question was natural, based on the fact that event loomed jus
I'd spent most of the summer with Annie, Alissa, and Grayson while Dan and Brett worked. As my vacation neared its end, I got excited about returning to work. I couldn't wait to be around my students again and the music. I dreaded seeing Rob, but hopefully, he'd be somewhat human now that some time had passed. I hadn't heard from him in the time I'd been off except for the email he sent out to the department today about meetings over the next couple weeks. It would be strange being away from the kids. Annie and I were more like co-mothers, with her taking the lead and the long nights. But I'd spent several of those with her as well. I knew how exhausting one infant was...I couldn't leave her alone with two, and Brett still had to work. Maybe it was an excuse to feel like I was an important part of their lives and their team. Maybe it gave me a piece of what I'd lost years earlier. Either way, I found myself having to be pried away from them. When I told Annie to let me know if I got
The addition of Alissa Danielle to our tribe had been profound. I loved being able to walk across the driveway to relieve my friend in the morning so she could shower, take a nap, or whatever else she was in the mood to do. I didn't care what it was. I'd help her with laundry, cleaning, anything to keep her from experiencing the sleep deprivation that had caused the end of the world I knew. It was twice as bad for her because with each passing day, she became more pregnant and less able to move...or stay awake. I took advantage of the time she granted me with Alissa and tried to maintain the bond the two of us shared. I knew it would change over time, but I hoped as she grew older it would strengthen in different ways. I wanted to be her friend, her confidant, her second mom. In the few weeks she'd been alive, Dan and I both had fallen head over heels for her. But at the end of each day, we got to go next door, have sex as loudly as we wanted to, stay out until all hours of the night