His voice was just out of reach, but the sobs seemed nearby. His arms surrounded me, his head pressed to the top of mine, and my body held tightly against his chest. I sensed everything about him, but the fog in my mind wouldn't allow me to comfort him, confide in him, or reassure him I was okay. I needed to convince him, but my body refused to respond and show him any sign of life. Hearing his emotional distress killed me. I was so tired, the fog was so dense, and my limbs were like dead weight. The sirens in the distance offered me peace; someone would be with him soon to calm his nerves and reassure him. A deep voice I didn't recognize talked to him but not to comfort him. "Sir, you have to let her go for me to help her." As the security of his embrace escaped me, so did my will to fight to reach consciousness. I allowed myself to drift into the darkness, hoping rest would renew me. I drifted in and out, loopy from whatever I'd been given, and not entirely sure of where
The conversation with Jack had gone better than I expected. He wondered how long I would continue at the pace I'd been keeping before my body gave out. I was honest with him about the hospital stay, which of course disappointed him, but he admitted to having done stupid things along the way to keep his head above water. While he hadn't come out and said it, my drive for success is what made me a valuable employee-he had benefitted from my insatiable desire to overachieve. He liked the idea of me selling accounts and other people working them. I was thrilled when he agreed to let me direct my workload. It enabled me to take on as many or as few clients as I wanted and could handle. I wasn't surprised when he lowered my base salary and restructured my commission, but I was confident Jack would still make it worth my time. Maybe Gray's suggestion to cut back was a smart move. Anxious to tell him how our conversation had gone, I grabbed my phone from my backpack and sent him a message.M
With my promise came the attention from Gray I so desperately craved. We rang in my twenty-second birthday in June and his twenty-eighth in August, and the summer had been almost perfection. I never knew what to expect from him-he kept me on my toes, but always kept me interested. I had thought I'd struggle not to burn the candle at both ends. It's all I've known since Will died, it was how I kept the demons away, but Gray had filled the void I expected to seep into my daily life. It was odd to have time to hang out with him or my friends and not experience guilt for compromising my career or my education. I watched him in awe-the way he moved, the way he held himself-I loved all of it. I could stare at him for hours, but invariably he always caught me and gave me a hard time about stargazing. I'd respond with an eye roll and move on to something else. Tonight was no different."Are you committing my body to memory, Bird Dog?" I'd been gawking at him from the couch after he got
As the fall semester was coming to a close, I found myself dreading finals. The last couple of weeks, Gray had been distant. I might have been imagining it, or it was possibly just the amount of time I'd had to spend wrapping up school projects and studying, but something was off. The summer had been perfection and going back to school had been tough. Each semester got harder, and this one had been daunting. The truth was, I missed him. I had encouraged him to spend time with his friends, to go out, so he wasn't sitting here watching me work, but I hated not being able to go with him. But between me having no interest in bars, and his not wanting us to be caught in public together before his divorce was final, I was spending a lot of time alone. We went out together but tried to go to less public places, places where we were less likely to be noticed. I hated feeling like a dirty secret, but his ex was doing everything she could to slow down the divorce process. His friends all knew
I woke to the sun peering in through the shades we hadn't closed last night. I squinted my eyes as they became accustomed to the light. Rolling onto my back, I stretched my arms above my head, and I felt the weight of his bicep across my mid-section. Curling my arms into my chest, I moved toward him, and he instinctively drew me close, still asleep. I kissed his lips and whispered, "Gray, we need to get up." "I'm already up." He was groggy and sounded adorable. This was one of my favorite times with him-when it was just the two of us, and the world hadn't intruded on that state between sleep and awake. The warmth of our bodies together made my heart sing. "No, you're not. You're lying in bed half asleep." I coddled him with soft words. "Nope, I'm up." He took my hand and placed it between his legs. He was definitely up. He still hadn't opened his eyes, so I lifted the covers and crawled beneath the sheets, surrounded by the veil the bedding created. The instant I touched hi
Throughout the three-hour drive to Tennessee, I couldn't help but notice Gray's frequent glances in my direction. I was beaming and overly excited. It wasn't the location we were visiting that had me amped up as much as it was the two of us going somewhere with no distractions. He'd been distant, and any time it had happened in the past, all it took was time alone together to get us back on track. I'd tried not to bring up the fact that he wasn't as available as he normally was or make a big deal of it. He loved that I gave him space and freedom to live his life, to process things on his own without pushing him into a corner, or requiring him to share his feelings. He'd felt trapped with Abby, and I made sure I didn't do the same. I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me. But he'd been in a committed relationship of some sort since the beginning of high school, and right now, he wanted to spread his wings. Hang out with his buddies. In some ways, he was regressing emotionally, but s
Gatlinburg brought change-a lot of it. I went for a walk that day, but I did more than just stroll. I spent hours thinking about Gray and the direction of our relationship. I'd sat in the park in our apartment complex on the swings, staring at the sky, kicking my feet to sway back and forth. His response disappointed me, and as much as I wanted to tell myself I wasn't talking about getting married to him, or at least not right away, that was a lie. The comment had slipped out, but if I was honest with myself, I was fishing to see where he thought we were going. I got my answer loud and clear-it just wasn't the answer I had been hoping for. I didn't think he would pull the truck into the parking lot and suggest we go rushing in, but I guess I hoped he would have smiled and said, "when the time is right we can do whatever you want," or something...anything other than what he had. The only conclusion I came to that afternoon was I had to protect my heart and see what happened. I was becom
My friends coped with drugs, and I was an emotional disaster-meeting up with them was likely not the best idea. But neither Scarlett nor Jenny would ask questions. They simply welcomed me when I walked through the door. Without hesitation, I proceeded to get completely blitzed, soothing my spirit, and effectively settling my mind. The more I inhaled, the funnier everything became until we had convinced ourselves we should go on tour as a comedy trio. In reality, most of the crap we were cackling over wouldn't have made sense to anyone with half a brain cell still intact and who wasn't equally intoxicated, but it felt good to laugh. This right here had always been my draw to marijuana-it always held the ability to make me laugh. I hadn't so much as looked at anything illegal in months, at Gray's request, but I felt light as air and quickly remembered why I'd never wanted to turn down a joint. As the weeks went by, I spent more time with Jenny and Scarlett, and as a result, my drug us