I woke to the sun peering in through the shades we hadn't closed last night. I squinted my eyes as they became accustomed to the light. Rolling onto my back, I stretched my arms above my head, and I felt the weight of his bicep across my mid-section. Curling my arms into my chest, I moved toward him, and he instinctively drew me close, still asleep. I kissed his lips and whispered, "Gray, we need to get up." "I'm already up." He was groggy and sounded adorable. This was one of my favorite times with him-when it was just the two of us, and the world hadn't intruded on that state between sleep and awake. The warmth of our bodies together made my heart sing. "No, you're not. You're lying in bed half asleep." I coddled him with soft words. "Nope, I'm up." He took my hand and placed it between his legs. He was definitely up. He still hadn't opened his eyes, so I lifted the covers and crawled beneath the sheets, surrounded by the veil the bedding created. The instant I touched hi
Throughout the three-hour drive to Tennessee, I couldn't help but notice Gray's frequent glances in my direction. I was beaming and overly excited. It wasn't the location we were visiting that had me amped up as much as it was the two of us going somewhere with no distractions. He'd been distant, and any time it had happened in the past, all it took was time alone together to get us back on track. I'd tried not to bring up the fact that he wasn't as available as he normally was or make a big deal of it. He loved that I gave him space and freedom to live his life, to process things on his own without pushing him into a corner, or requiring him to share his feelings. He'd felt trapped with Abby, and I made sure I didn't do the same. I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me. But he'd been in a committed relationship of some sort since the beginning of high school, and right now, he wanted to spread his wings. Hang out with his buddies. In some ways, he was regressing emotionally, but s
Gatlinburg brought change-a lot of it. I went for a walk that day, but I did more than just stroll. I spent hours thinking about Gray and the direction of our relationship. I'd sat in the park in our apartment complex on the swings, staring at the sky, kicking my feet to sway back and forth. His response disappointed me, and as much as I wanted to tell myself I wasn't talking about getting married to him, or at least not right away, that was a lie. The comment had slipped out, but if I was honest with myself, I was fishing to see where he thought we were going. I got my answer loud and clear-it just wasn't the answer I had been hoping for. I didn't think he would pull the truck into the parking lot and suggest we go rushing in, but I guess I hoped he would have smiled and said, "when the time is right we can do whatever you want," or something...anything other than what he had. The only conclusion I came to that afternoon was I had to protect my heart and see what happened. I was becom
My friends coped with drugs, and I was an emotional disaster-meeting up with them was likely not the best idea. But neither Scarlett nor Jenny would ask questions. They simply welcomed me when I walked through the door. Without hesitation, I proceeded to get completely blitzed, soothing my spirit, and effectively settling my mind. The more I inhaled, the funnier everything became until we had convinced ourselves we should go on tour as a comedy trio. In reality, most of the crap we were cackling over wouldn't have made sense to anyone with half a brain cell still intact and who wasn't equally intoxicated, but it felt good to laugh. This right here had always been my draw to marijuana-it always held the ability to make me laugh. I hadn't so much as looked at anything illegal in months, at Gray's request, but I felt light as air and quickly remembered why I'd never wanted to turn down a joint. As the weeks went by, I spent more time with Jenny and Scarlett, and as a result, my drug us
Unfortunately, one night wouldn't heal the months of neglect for either of us. We'd reconnected, but once we were both back to our normal routines, the world might try to devour us again. I'd been working my tail off at Walton's, getting straight As in school, and waiting on Gray. I continued to drive myself forward with what I could control, striving for perfection in my career and in school, so my failure at home wasn't so evident. As much as I wanted to let go of the hurt, he had broken me that day in Gatlinburg, and one night wouldn't fix that. He knew it when he'd said it, but somehow, he hadn't stopped the hurtful lashing before it had escaped his mouth. He'd had some weird compulsory obligation to ensure I was aware he wasn't interested in getting married again or the commitment that led up to it. But I'd never asked him for any of that. I'd never asked him where our relationship was going, just took each day he gave me. One simple comment about a chapel and he had effectively t
The swing of the pendulum had hit our relationship again, and it seemed to right itself over the upcoming days and weeks. We had been spending more time together, and the sex had been out of this world. But now that he was around more, he noticed I was tired all the time and occasionally came home with a glassy look in my eyes. If he watched, the tells were the same, and all there. He had to know I was smoking with Jenny and Scarlett. I wasn't doing coke-I'd kept that promise-but he had said nothing about either. I was still riding his guilt train. Had I stopped to think about it, I would have realized it was self-destructive. At some point, he would call me out, he'd be compelled to say something, and he would confront me, but I was betting he didn't think he had the right to question anything I was doing after the shit he'd done the last few months. The eye for an eye mentality was wrong all the way around, but he continued to give me passes, and I continued to take them. Tonight
The next morning, I woke less nauseous than I'd been the night before. My stomach no longer threatened to vacate my body and seemed to have stopped protesting after I plastered myself to the cold tile in the bathroom. I remembered Gray coming in, but not much after. As the sun peeked through the blinds, I rolled over. I expected to find him next to me, but the bed was empty and the sheets were cold. Cocooned in the blankets, I pulled the covers back and stretched before making my way out of bed and into the kitchen. The smell of coffee about knocked me over and sent me flying toward the bathroom. With nothing left in my stomach to throw up, retching was painful. I wasn't sure I'd make it through a day of this as weak as it had made me last night in such a short span of time. The wave passed, and I splashed cold water on my face, bringing color back to my cheeks. When I emerged from the bathroom, there was still no sign of Gray. My phone in hand, I sat on the edge of the mattress and ty
There was nothing like a paper gown to make a girl feel really feminine and special. The sarcastic bitch in me had her head reared high today and was in rare form. It was bad enough I had to sit naked wrapped in a sheet of paper on a table, but I had never understood why OB/GYNs made a woman wait for an eternity in this get-up before coming in to examine the patient. It was like they got off on humiliation...mine. I had to pee in a cup because apparently, my peeing on a stick wasn't good enough to confirm my pregnancy. They repeated the same stick test themselves. They also took blood, for what I wasn't privy to, and let me listen to the heartbeat. Now here I sat, naked except for my paper comforter, waiting. I hated being idle. As far as I was concerned, if you left me in a room for an extended amount of time with nothing to do, you should have expected me to rifle through your drawers-all of them. That's exactly what I was doing when the nurse walked in. She laughed at me. I returned