The swing of the pendulum had hit our relationship again, and it seemed to right itself over the upcoming days and weeks. We had been spending more time together, and the sex had been out of this world. But now that he was around more, he noticed I was tired all the time and occasionally came home with a glassy look in my eyes. If he watched, the tells were the same, and all there. He had to know I was smoking with Jenny and Scarlett. I wasn't doing coke-I'd kept that promise-but he had said nothing about either. I was still riding his guilt train. Had I stopped to think about it, I would have realized it was self-destructive. At some point, he would call me out, he'd be compelled to say something, and he would confront me, but I was betting he didn't think he had the right to question anything I was doing after the shit he'd done the last few months. The eye for an eye mentality was wrong all the way around, but he continued to give me passes, and I continued to take them. Tonight
The next morning, I woke less nauseous than I'd been the night before. My stomach no longer threatened to vacate my body and seemed to have stopped protesting after I plastered myself to the cold tile in the bathroom. I remembered Gray coming in, but not much after. As the sun peeked through the blinds, I rolled over. I expected to find him next to me, but the bed was empty and the sheets were cold. Cocooned in the blankets, I pulled the covers back and stretched before making my way out of bed and into the kitchen. The smell of coffee about knocked me over and sent me flying toward the bathroom. With nothing left in my stomach to throw up, retching was painful. I wasn't sure I'd make it through a day of this as weak as it had made me last night in such a short span of time. The wave passed, and I splashed cold water on my face, bringing color back to my cheeks. When I emerged from the bathroom, there was still no sign of Gray. My phone in hand, I sat on the edge of the mattress and ty
There was nothing like a paper gown to make a girl feel really feminine and special. The sarcastic bitch in me had her head reared high today and was in rare form. It was bad enough I had to sit naked wrapped in a sheet of paper on a table, but I had never understood why OB/GYNs made a woman wait for an eternity in this get-up before coming in to examine the patient. It was like they got off on humiliation...mine. I had to pee in a cup because apparently, my peeing on a stick wasn't good enough to confirm my pregnancy. They repeated the same stick test themselves. They also took blood, for what I wasn't privy to, and let me listen to the heartbeat. Now here I sat, naked except for my paper comforter, waiting. I hated being idle. As far as I was concerned, if you left me in a room for an extended amount of time with nothing to do, you should have expected me to rifle through your drawers-all of them. That's exactly what I was doing when the nurse walked in. She laughed at me. I returned
Gray and I had never had casual sex, he'd never gotten up and left me without so much as a conversation, but something in his eyes was wild and confused. The turmoil in his features was evident as was the anxiety as he dressed. But I had no idea what was causing it. I tried to be everything he needed me to be, to give him the space he asked for, but the fact still remained, I was carrying his child. He didn't have to tell me, I already knew, that level of commitment scared the hell out of him. He refused to talk much about any of it and internalized the panic he felt at an eighteen-year commitment he couldn't get out of once the baby was here.The first couple weeks after we decided to keep the baby, I tried to keep Gray involved. I'd made sure he knew about doctor's appointments and told him about everything I read-usually via text unless he stopped by one night after going out, which happened more often than I cared to admit. I became his last call and rued the day Leeann Womack ev
My friends had been trying to get me out of the house, and I'd been successful at avoiding them, even for my birthday, but somehow, Scarlett talked me into going to De Shield's down the street from my apartment. I figured I needed to eat, and it was a casual hole-in-the-wall, so I didn't have to put on anything other than a tank top, jeans, and Docs. It took no effort, which was good because I wasn't putting forth any. Glancing in the mirror, my cheeks were pink, and my hair looked better than it ever had, thick and shiny. Gray had been right; it was much darker than it had been a couple years ago. It fell in soft, loose curls around my shoulders and down my back. I opted to pull it up into a ponytail for simplicity as my doorbell sounded.When Scarlett and I walked in the restaurant chatting, I instantly stopped speaking when we rounded the hostess stand. I couldn't have prepared myself for the sight I saw as the girl showed us to our table. Not fifteen feet inside the door sat Gray
Seeing Gray with another woman-or girl, rather; she couldn't have been more than eighteen or nineteen-shattered what little hope I had held on to. Scarlett and I didn't stay long after running into Gray and Erin. I couldn't handle it. I sat at the table letting the tears streak my face before she finally asked the waiter for our check. Food uneaten, we had left. I kept reminding myself we weren't together, although we had never officially broken up. He did whatever he wanted to do. Yet, I convinced myself that only meant hanging out with his friends, not dating other people-it was all a demented lie I chose to believe. The cushion on the couch had formed around my butt as I sat alone in my apartment. I rested my hand on my little bump and talked to Cole as though he could hear me. I reassured him I loved him, and that he had been conceived in that same emotion. But it was me I was trying to persuade to believe the words. Over the next few days, I didn't do much. I had called my teac
My phone was so loud it could have woken the dead. I had no idea why the damn thing wasn't on vibrate or why people insisted on calling me in the middle of the fucking night. Gray's name on the caller ID didn't bring me any joy. Normally, I'd answer, and he'd come over after leaving whatever bar he stumbled out of, probably the one near my apartment, but not tonight. I switched it to vibrate before I threw it back on the coffee table and went back to sleep. Right after I'd fallen asleep, the home phone rang. Gray and his ex-wife were the only people who even knew the number, and it was a safe bet it wasn't Abby. Stumbling to the wall, I pulled the base down and unplugged the phone, silencing the relentless noise. And hopefully, eliminated any further interruptions. Irritated as hell, I laid back down on the couch, covered up with a blanket, and let sleep envelop me. Time had escaped me, and I wasn't sure how much later it was when the beating on the door jolted me from a pain-pill-s
I sat on the floor and struggled to believe I hadn't let him in. He had known I was here, inches away. I'd heard him talking but had chosen not to answer. I needed to let him go, but his loss would have been easier to grieve had he died. Knowing he walked the earth at the same time I did, yet he had chosen not to be with me, wasn't something I could face. I wasn't surprised when my phone rang again minutes later. He couldn't let me go-he wouldn't. As long as I breathed, he'd keep me connected to him, owning me. Regardless of how strong I was, Gray called the shots, abused my loyalty in favor of playing his version of the game of life. He wasn't pained by my absence unless he believed I'd moved on. He wanted me available on his timeline. He wanted me to remain celibate, to wait at home for him. No one could live like that. I didn't recognize the number on the phone, but there was only one person it could have been."Hello?""Hey, baby." He wanted to comfort me-to fix things long