Dan and I met Annie and Brett at our favorite pizza place downtown. It was still fairly early in the evening, and families scurried around with their children. Brett and Dan regaled us with stories of their youth and college days that didn't seem to fit either of their personalities now. Every detail of Dan's past piqued my curiosity; I soaked it up like a sponge. As we approached the one-year mark, I wondered if he was as serious about the relationship as I was. We weren't getting any younger, and in my opinion, either he knew I was it, or I wasn't. Annie and I had discussed it at length, but she didn't have any more insight into his plans than I did. She'd badgered Brett trying to get the scoop, but he'd been close-lipped about the whole thing knowing Annie would tell me whatever he told her. Now, we both waited. We had compared time frames, hoping Dan might mimic Annie and Brett's, but that still put me a couple of months out for any confirmed commitment.I watched as Annie's att
I made it longer than I had anticipated before Dan started questioning me about my offer to carry someone else's child. There had been no mention of it the following week, and even when he finally brought it up, the topic was casual. I'd been talking to Annie about the possibility but didn't want to be a nuisance, so I hadn't pressured her. While she hadn't agreed, she hadn't asked me to stop questioning her about it, nor had she said no. I was patient. I could wait. Dan arrived on my doorstep promptly at six. I heard him call out from the front of the house. "Penny, I'm here whenever you're ready." I fastened my earring and slipped on my heels. With one final glance in the mirror, I set out to find my boyfriend. He'd chosen my dress from those in my closet but hadn't seen it on me. I had been excited to see him in a suit; I was awestruck when he showed up in a tux. The crisp tailored feel of the tuxedo accentuated his build. Standing at my door, he was the man my imagination conju
Our pictures had been featured in the arts section of the local paper the next morning. I'd stayed with Dan, and he'd gone out to get two physical copies, the online version wasn't good enough. I sat in his kitchen drinking coffee in his shirt that was far too big for me when he'd come back. It was cute. I watched as he got out the scissors, cut out his favorite shot, and then pulled two simple black frames from the Wal-Mart bag at his feet. Walking into my office, I held one of those two frames in my hand prepared to put it on my desk. Just as I'd found a permanent home for the picture, Rob walked in. I hadn't seen him much since I'd turned him down and outwardly said I was seeing someone. There hadn't been any coffee or muffins, no last-minute lunches, or even hellos. I hadn't seen him, and he hadn't stopped by. Until now."Saw the paper. Glad you got to go." The way he said the words didn't make me believe his sincerity, but I refused to come off this high."Rob, it was...it jus
Things started at a whirlwind pace with Annie. Somehow, she scheduled three doctor's appointments within the week, and she and Brett met with their attorney within days of making the decision to look further into having a surrogate. After our final appointment today, Annie and I decided on one of the specialists, but choosing the doctor was the easy part. And the legalities were a breeze compared to what all I would have to go through to get my body ready to carry a child. My uterus wouldn't naturally take fertilized embryos and incubate them, the doctor would have to create the perfect environment. I was committed, and Annie promised to be there every step of the way. We parted ways to both return to work after, and Annie promised to have the paperwork from her lawyer in the next day or two. I wasn't concerned about any of it. I'd sign whatever they wanted me to, but she didn't know that. I knew they needed this to protect themselves and the child I would carry. I didn't begrudge th
We had moments of greatness after Joshua's death, but they were few and far between. Matt was stuck in a purgatory of indecision, or maybe it wasn't indecision so much as his reluctance to let go. We'd been together half of our lives and had known each other the other half. Generations of our families had lived in this same small town, and everyone we knew was thrilled when we'd announced our engagement. The ring still sat on my left finger, and I still twirled it without thought, but it no longer represented our future. It now signified the burden of our past. I wanted to believe we could get through this, that's what marriage would have been. Had this happened months later, we would have been legally bound, but now there was an option. He had a choice to make, and with each day that passed, it appeared he was going to let the government make it for him by taking him away from the problem. I knew he couldn't ignore deployment, or tell them he was struggling personally and ask if he
"What do you want me to do, Lissa? I didn't choose my deployment date any more than you chose the date for the trial to start.""I don't have anyone else, Matt. If you're not there, I will be alone.""What is your suggestion? Would you like my Sargent's phone number to see if you can get me an excused absence?" His callous words did nothing to help the situation, and the sarcasm was uncalled for. I sat down hunched over in the kitchen chair with my elbows rested on my knees and my head in my hands. My long hair created a curtain to shield my face, but I didn't bother crying. It wouldn't change the circumstances. "There's no one left." The statement was more an acknowledgment to myself than an invitation for Matt's response."Actions have consequences, Lissa. Yours were the gravest. You think being alone is worse than being dead?"I stood slowly and stared him in the eye. "I think being dead would be the easy way out for me, and I contemplate that route daily. But I'm aware I have
Lindsey secured a contract for full asking price four days after listing it. I removed all pictures so prospective buyers wouldn't know whose house they were looking at. Matt had all but abdicated any responsibility and gave his father his power of attorney to close on the house in his place after Matt deployed...which he did seven days before the trial. He never came back to the house after leaving that night, not to collect any of his things or those that might remind him of Joshua, no pictures, no mementos, nothing. He had washed his hands of me. Two days after Matt left the country, I faced his father for the first time since losing the only other male Nelson. Joshua and Matt were his life, and I dreaded what was to come. I knew I would have Lindsey with me, and the closing attorney would be there, so physically, he couldn't hurt me, but words could be just as damaging. What I hadn't expected was for him to grab me, pull me into his embrace, and sob. He cried for the loss of Josh
Annie and Brett had done the retrieval and fertilization on their own. It seemed awkward to intrude, like it was the equivalent of watching them have sex in some distorted way. The days after were agonizingly slow. The two of us made a point of spending more time together, meeting daily for lunch, but today, the four of us were making the call to find out how many embryos we had to transfer. We all sat anxiously waiting for each other to finish eating, but no one touched their food, and we finally gave in to the call. I tried to concentrate on what the embryologist was telling us, but all I heard was the magic number. Three.That one little word, a simple number-in nine months, Annie and Brett would have a child, and I would have given back to the world what I'd taken. We'd prayed for three; we got three. The signs all pointed toward success. Dan and Brett fired questions at the person on the other end of the call, but Annie caught my attention. Her eyes filled with tears that spi
Our story didn't stop at the courthouse. We had dinner with Brett and Annie that night and hovered around their kitchen table. My best friends allowed me to share Joshua with them and gave life to his memory. I showed them the only pictures I still had while holding Alissa in my arms. She smiled up at me as if she knew. That tiny human connected with me on a level she may never understand, but somehow, she knew-without Joshua, she wouldn't be here. Watching her run around with her friends as we celebrated her birth five years later, I couldn't help but think how foolish it would have been to walk away from all of this. Dan and I would never have children, but what we had was far better for us. Annie and Brett were more like siblings than friends, and their kids were amazing. We got to spoil them, take them anywhere we wanted, and send them home. We had family at holidays and special occasions, and we never missed out on anything either Grayson or Alissa were doing. But at the end of
I had called repeatedly, but each try had gone straight to voicemail. Either his phone was off, or it died without being charged overnight. I didn't want to speculate about which it was. I drove as quickly as I could and slammed the SUV in park in the first spot I could find before racing into the courthouse. I followed the signs to the Justice of the Peace, but when I reached the office, completely out of breath, Dan was nowhere to be found. The clock on the wall read 10:11 am. My eyes scanned the room, making sure to identify each person as a stranger before moving on to the next face. Surely, he hadn't left after ten minutes. He had to know I'd come. A guy slammed into my shoulder in his haste to rush out of the office, not even bothering to apologize for nearly knocking me over. But standing stock-still in the middle of the doorway probably wasn't the best idea. I just couldn't believe he'd left. I waited for hours for Matt to show up at the hospital, but Dan hadn't waited ten lo
My night had been restless, and just as quiet as the evening after Dan and I had gotten out of the bathtub. He left after dinner and went to Brett's house, but I didn't have the courage to ask him what he'd done while he was there. He returned in the same mood he'd left in, the one he was known for. To an outsider, he appeared unwavering-but I knew with time to think about it, he'd decide he couldn't stay."Did you want to get a new dress for tomorrow?" "For what?""To go to the courthouse? Or do you want to do the whole thing off the wall and wear jeans?" He kept unloading the dishwasher like he had asked what I needed from the grocery store. "I didn't think we were still doing that?" Maybe he'd taken up drinking.He turned toward me suddenly, dropping a dishtowel he'd used to dry his hands with. "What are you talking about? You said Monday. Tomorrow is Monday.""Dan...""No, don't Dan me. Has something changed that you don't want to marry me now?"Oh, for the love of God. I
I stood in the spot he left me in when he returned with towels from the dryer. He set them on the counter, turned off the water in the now full tub, and removed his clothes. I watched in a trance until he was before me with nothing on. With my hand in his, he stepped over the side of the bathtub and then helped me in. The garden tub was made for two, and I nestled myself between his legs while he leaned back. The bubbles created a cover, hiding our bodies except for the parts of us not under the water. My fingers fidgeted nervously with the white foam until he took my hand and wound his fingers between mine.He might have been waiting for me to start, but I didn't know what to say. The silence was painful, and I ran through the scenarios of how this might play out...none of which ended well."What was his name?" The words of inquiry fanned out against my skin like a warm blanket. They were gentle and softly spoken, inviting me to open up about a piece of me I hadn't shared with anyon
We walked into the sanctuary with two minutes to spare. Brett quickly found Dan, and Annie was in a tizzy. Alissa was nestled into a cradle her dad had created with his arm completely unaffected by her father's helpless panic. "Dude, slow down. What's wrong?"I held Dan's hand in front of Brett, but Alissa had my attention. Just as Brett started to answer Dan's question, Annie came around the corner. Her face was flush, and if I had to bet, I'd say she was roughly two minutes from pulling her hair out.I hadn't heard anything Brett said to my fiancé. The moment Annie got close enough, I saw why she was distressed. Grayson had spit up all over his christening gown...and it stunk, even from here.People started to fill the pews. "What do you need me to do, Annie?"Brett stepped in, suddenly relieved and in control. "Nothing. We're good. Dan went to get stuff out of the car."My brow scrunched in confusion. I had no idea what was going on or how Dan was helping."Seriously, Lissa.
The time on my phone couldn't be right. There was no way it was a quarter to eight. Somehow in my haste to get to sleep I either hadn't turned on my alarm or had turned it off an hour ago when it rang. I threw the covers back and practically fell out of bed. The thud of my body on the floor woke Dan whose concern, while well intended, only slowed my progress out the door."Let me go. I have fifteen minutes to get to Annie's house, and I had planned to shower before I went."He didn't relinquish his grasp on me once he got up. "Lissa, calm down. You aren't going to do anyone any good in a panic." I relaxed until I felt the tension in his arms subside and then made my break. "I'll be back. Can you get the gifts out of the closet and throw them in the bags on the kitchen counter? There's tissue paper there, too.""Sure, where are they?"I raced around tearing my pajamas off to put on a bra and some real clothes. As much as I loved Brett, I wasn't interested in him seeing any more of
"You look like shit, Lissa. Did you have a baby that keeps you up at night, and I missed it?"I swung my attention to Annie to find her giggling to herself. "You don't look so hot yourself, heifer." The wink I shot her direction ensured she saw my playfulness. "I haven't slept all that well the last couple nights." I didn't need to tell her why."Bad dreams?" She'd become a pro at this whole parenting gig. She never missed a beat with either kid and managed to hold completely coherent, adult conversations while breastfeeding one and changing the other. Anyone else would need more hands but not Annie Ryann. "I don't know what it is. Just not getting a lot of rest."She stopped what she was doing and gave me the eye. The one that told me she didn't believe a word I said. I scooped Alissa up and ignored her."Spill it.""There's nothing to spill. I'm just not sleeping well.""Are you nervous about getting married?"Her question was natural, based on the fact that event loomed jus
I'd spent most of the summer with Annie, Alissa, and Grayson while Dan and Brett worked. As my vacation neared its end, I got excited about returning to work. I couldn't wait to be around my students again and the music. I dreaded seeing Rob, but hopefully, he'd be somewhat human now that some time had passed. I hadn't heard from him in the time I'd been off except for the email he sent out to the department today about meetings over the next couple weeks. It would be strange being away from the kids. Annie and I were more like co-mothers, with her taking the lead and the long nights. But I'd spent several of those with her as well. I knew how exhausting one infant was...I couldn't leave her alone with two, and Brett still had to work. Maybe it was an excuse to feel like I was an important part of their lives and their team. Maybe it gave me a piece of what I'd lost years earlier. Either way, I found myself having to be pried away from them. When I told Annie to let me know if I got
The addition of Alissa Danielle to our tribe had been profound. I loved being able to walk across the driveway to relieve my friend in the morning so she could shower, take a nap, or whatever else she was in the mood to do. I didn't care what it was. I'd help her with laundry, cleaning, anything to keep her from experiencing the sleep deprivation that had caused the end of the world I knew. It was twice as bad for her because with each passing day, she became more pregnant and less able to move...or stay awake. I took advantage of the time she granted me with Alissa and tried to maintain the bond the two of us shared. I knew it would change over time, but I hoped as she grew older it would strengthen in different ways. I wanted to be her friend, her confidant, her second mom. In the few weeks she'd been alive, Dan and I both had fallen head over heels for her. But at the end of each day, we got to go next door, have sex as loudly as we wanted to, stay out until all hours of the night