Our pictures had been featured in the arts section of the local paper the next morning. I'd stayed with Dan, and he'd gone out to get two physical copies, the online version wasn't good enough. I sat in his kitchen drinking coffee in his shirt that was far too big for me when he'd come back. It was cute. I watched as he got out the scissors, cut out his favorite shot, and then pulled two simple black frames from the Wal-Mart bag at his feet. Walking into my office, I held one of those two frames in my hand prepared to put it on my desk. Just as I'd found a permanent home for the picture, Rob walked in. I hadn't seen him much since I'd turned him down and outwardly said I was seeing someone. There hadn't been any coffee or muffins, no last-minute lunches, or even hellos. I hadn't seen him, and he hadn't stopped by. Until now."Saw the paper. Glad you got to go." The way he said the words didn't make me believe his sincerity, but I refused to come off this high."Rob, it was...it jus
Things started at a whirlwind pace with Annie. Somehow, she scheduled three doctor's appointments within the week, and she and Brett met with their attorney within days of making the decision to look further into having a surrogate. After our final appointment today, Annie and I decided on one of the specialists, but choosing the doctor was the easy part. And the legalities were a breeze compared to what all I would have to go through to get my body ready to carry a child. My uterus wouldn't naturally take fertilized embryos and incubate them, the doctor would have to create the perfect environment. I was committed, and Annie promised to be there every step of the way. We parted ways to both return to work after, and Annie promised to have the paperwork from her lawyer in the next day or two. I wasn't concerned about any of it. I'd sign whatever they wanted me to, but she didn't know that. I knew they needed this to protect themselves and the child I would carry. I didn't begrudge th
We had moments of greatness after Joshua's death, but they were few and far between. Matt was stuck in a purgatory of indecision, or maybe it wasn't indecision so much as his reluctance to let go. We'd been together half of our lives and had known each other the other half. Generations of our families had lived in this same small town, and everyone we knew was thrilled when we'd announced our engagement. The ring still sat on my left finger, and I still twirled it without thought, but it no longer represented our future. It now signified the burden of our past. I wanted to believe we could get through this, that's what marriage would have been. Had this happened months later, we would have been legally bound, but now there was an option. He had a choice to make, and with each day that passed, it appeared he was going to let the government make it for him by taking him away from the problem. I knew he couldn't ignore deployment, or tell them he was struggling personally and ask if he
"What do you want me to do, Lissa? I didn't choose my deployment date any more than you chose the date for the trial to start.""I don't have anyone else, Matt. If you're not there, I will be alone.""What is your suggestion? Would you like my Sargent's phone number to see if you can get me an excused absence?" His callous words did nothing to help the situation, and the sarcasm was uncalled for. I sat down hunched over in the kitchen chair with my elbows rested on my knees and my head in my hands. My long hair created a curtain to shield my face, but I didn't bother crying. It wouldn't change the circumstances. "There's no one left." The statement was more an acknowledgment to myself than an invitation for Matt's response."Actions have consequences, Lissa. Yours were the gravest. You think being alone is worse than being dead?"I stood slowly and stared him in the eye. "I think being dead would be the easy way out for me, and I contemplate that route daily. But I'm aware I have
Lindsey secured a contract for full asking price four days after listing it. I removed all pictures so prospective buyers wouldn't know whose house they were looking at. Matt had all but abdicated any responsibility and gave his father his power of attorney to close on the house in his place after Matt deployed...which he did seven days before the trial. He never came back to the house after leaving that night, not to collect any of his things or those that might remind him of Joshua, no pictures, no mementos, nothing. He had washed his hands of me. Two days after Matt left the country, I faced his father for the first time since losing the only other male Nelson. Joshua and Matt were his life, and I dreaded what was to come. I knew I would have Lindsey with me, and the closing attorney would be there, so physically, he couldn't hurt me, but words could be just as damaging. What I hadn't expected was for him to grab me, pull me into his embrace, and sob. He cried for the loss of Josh
Annie and Brett had done the retrieval and fertilization on their own. It seemed awkward to intrude, like it was the equivalent of watching them have sex in some distorted way. The days after were agonizingly slow. The two of us made a point of spending more time together, meeting daily for lunch, but today, the four of us were making the call to find out how many embryos we had to transfer. We all sat anxiously waiting for each other to finish eating, but no one touched their food, and we finally gave in to the call. I tried to concentrate on what the embryologist was telling us, but all I heard was the magic number. Three.That one little word, a simple number-in nine months, Annie and Brett would have a child, and I would have given back to the world what I'd taken. We'd prayed for three; we got three. The signs all pointed toward success. Dan and Brett fired questions at the person on the other end of the call, but Annie caught my attention. Her eyes filled with tears that spi
Two weeks later, I'd gone in for the beta pregnancy test. Today we would get the results. Thankfully, Dan had been forced to go back to work, and I'd resumed my normal schedule, as had Annie and Brett. But today, I stayed home, and Annie called in. We were both far too anxious to bother with our jobs. Annie had spent the morning complaining about Brett and that jackass Gray, who was still lurking in the shadows of her life. I'd warned her not to open that can of worms, but she hadn't listened to me and was now paying the price.I agreed, this time, Brett was out of line. She'd set Gray straight, told him exactly how things were not going to be, but Gray had baited Brett, taunting him to think she'd lied to him. Brett fed into Gray's games, and here it was, wreaking havoc on their marriage. If I were Annie, I'd just apologize and move on, but she refused to budge. I hated for this day to be ruined by something so trivial, but I couldn't deter her. When Brett sent me a text asking if he
Thirty-eight weeks had seemed like a long time the day we sat waiting on the hormone levels, but eighteen weeks later, the time had flown by. I caught myself talking to the baby when no one was around, and caressing my belly. I practically lived with headphones on my stomach in an effort to instill the love of classical music before birth. It wasn't my child, but I wanted to give it so much. There were so many things I wanted to share with him or her but knew I'd never get that chance as a parent. I could only hope I could do it with the time I was guaranteed while I was pregnant, or that Annie and Brett gave me that opportunity when the baby arrived. There's something women aren't prepared for that pregnancy brings, that pre-birth bond that only exists between the mother and child, no one else can ever experience it. While this wasn't my child, the bond was still there. There's never a moment after conception, until birth, the woman is alone. There's another heart beating inside of