Chapter 4

I lay my back on the hard bamboo, my bed, as my mind started its own trip down to memory lane. I keep on recalling tha meeting I had with Harris earlier. I couldn’t find the peace I badly needed right now as my heart goes heavy because of the unresolve issues he have. The peace I had been looking for only got farther from my reach, making me put in chaos once again.

The deafening silence surrounding my apartment didn’t help me at all, instead, it only serves as the fuel for my head as memories of our past continues to flow in my head. And I couldn’t even figure how I could make my way out. I don’t want it. I’m fucking sick of it. It just repeatedly reminds me of things I just wanted to forget.

I feel drained. I feel tired. Even the drunkenness has completely left me.

What we talked about kept coming back to my mind. And his anger… I don’t think I’d be able to forget thar. I could clearly feel it, with the way he talked to me, the pain I caused him. And how I left his heart scarred with everything that had happened. Things that I would forever regret doing.

I was young back then. I don't have any courage to fight back and fight for the things that I want to keep holding on to. I was never heard by the people surrounding me no matter how loud I scream for my plea.

I never had the courage and strength to protect the most precious thing in my life during those times. Their ears remain blocked and they only hear what they wanted to hear. And that doesn't include my opinion. I was voiceless. They made me one.

Whether I want to refuse, whether I try to run away to, whether I try to be brave, I always end up with things that are against my will.

My parents are control freaks. They treated me like a puppet that they could control through the strings attached to my hands and limbs. They wanted me to be someone they molded in accordance to their liking. They want to shape me as the young heiress of their empire. They want me to be just like them, merciless.

But I never liked what they wanted me to be. And being with Harris made me feel like my fantasies could be once a reality, a dream come true. But my mother would always be the villain in my life, always ready to wake me up from my make-believe; shattering a beautiful dream and turning it into a nightmare.

A knock on the door woke up my spirit. Despite the depth of the night, I could not feel the fear I should be feeling right now. I was still calm because there’s only brave one person that has the will to approach my house.

My apartment looks creepy on the inside but way creepier on the outside. Dark and lifeless. That’s how it looks like. Somthing which is a reflection of my life.

"Katiya," I called, earning the attention of the person who was as dark as night.

Hes body was wrapped in a black jacket and the inside was still a black t-shirt. Black leather pants and black rubber shoes.

She exhaled the smoke coming from the cigarette stuck in her mouth before facing me. "Here’s what you asked." She threw the black plastic at my feet.

I quietly picked it up and opened it up to look at what’s inside. When I was done making sure that she bought me the right thing, a weak smile automatically formed in my lips. "Thank you."

"When will you use that?”

I shrugged, there was no exact answer to Katiya’s question. "If you were in my shoes, what would you choose?" I leaned over the door as I patiently waited for her answer.

Without emotion she turned her eyes on me. "I don’t want to answer that stupid question of yours, Prescilla.” She shook her head on me.

Katiya threw her cigarette on the concrete street. I was not affected by the crudeness of her speech. I'm used to that, it's been years since I've met her anyway. And I've also become accustomed to the spicy language and crude behavior of hers.

She's like that, like a woman woundering aroung the city without a soul. There was no emotion in her eyes and every word she says were indifferent even if she could offended other people. Sh just don’t care at all.

She never showed me her feelings nor unveiled them to anyone. From the moment I met Katiya, I couldn't have any warmth coming from her. She lacks emotional connection with the people surrounding her. She lacks affection and warmth. And the absence of love in her heart made her seem like a solid stone.

She speaks in a monotone manner and her face was always void of any emotion. She literally doesn't feel any pain, especially mercy and love. So, whether she gets hurt or hurts others, she doesn't care.

"Think about it, Prescilla. Either of the choices, I’d still get the same result. Why bother?" Katiya said.

"Don't you want to try all the possible ways?" I asked again.

"If I were to die, then I’d die. I’m not afraid of losing myself. If you can’t find the courage to do what you want, they I’ll do it for you. I don’t mind going to jail, I’d soon be in there anyway.” Katiya put her hands inside of her pockets. She looked at me with emotionless eyes, not even pity for my problems.

"You're really bad person." I shook my head hearing the final words she said.

"What I'm saying is true. You know me, I'm not afraid to be a criminal, especially when it comes to that person,” she emphasized.

I couldn't help but laugh and shake my head. I don't know who is a better person between the both of us. Or maybe there’s none. She's not afraid to be a criminal and even kill someome. While I've been inadvertently turned into a sinner. And is just waiting for the right time to pay for everything.

My life was too messy. But I know Katiya has a lot more baggages with her that has resulted in what he is now. The madness she's feeling doesn't even match mine. She's a woman who's seeking retribution. A soulless woman who would do everything just to put justice in her hands to make every single person who wronged her pay.

Katiya let out a dry laugh. "I'm leaving. If you have something else to buy, please tell me right away."

"Thanks, Katiya!" I yelled as she finally got away.

She took a few steps before she stopped walking midway. “Prescilla,” she called with more seriousness. Her back was still facing mine. “If you're struggling to find a way, then start thinking about saving yourself. That’s the best words I could only give you right now."

When I slowly began to lost vision to her figure, I went inside my apartment with my head filled with her words. I tried to shook them away, but it still lingers. When I reached my bed I took the medium-sized black box underneath to put the new items Katiya bought for me.

I don't know what would be the best choice for this. Unlike Katiya, I want to plan it out. I want it to be the greatest ending of my life where I would be able to pay for my sins and wrong decisions I made. I have no idea what would it be when the right time comes. I want it to be something that would make me feel all the freedom that I never felt in my 22 years of living.

If it will be my end, I want it to be something that will pay off the sins that I have committed in my life.