Chapter 10

“What else do you need? ” Katiya asked while pushing the cart for me.

We're at a mall supermarket a few blocks from my apartment. I was supposed to go alone but Katiya surprised me with her presence behind my door. She seems to be making sure I'm still alive after the encounter with my parents.

I silently looked at the cart she was pushing. There were lots of things inside that were mostly composed of table cloth, a lighter, and packaging tape. There is also a rope that was two meters long.

Only a few spaces of the cart were occupied by foods and beverages that I needed for my supplies. I also have no plans to stock up on food because I plan to leave my place after what I’ll do two weeks from now.

I didn't want to stay there any longer because my parents were unlikely to return to pick me up again. I don't want any more physical pain when I run away so I'll be the one to move away so there's no more trouble.

"That's fine. Everything’s in," I replied.

She took her eyes off me before leading the walk towards the supermarket counter. “I don't understand how your brain works. If you want to finish everything, then do so. Why do you have to torture yourself and prolong the inevitable? On top of that, what you are doing to yourself is only pointing in the same direction? ”

I sighed and followed in her footsteps. This isn’t the first time we’ve talked about it but she doesn’t seem to get tired of asking questions repeatedly. "Because I want what I am doing to be the payment for the sin I have committed."

“You’re being stupid, Prescilla,” Katiya said without minding what I’d feel with her words. “It’s not a payment or some sort of. It’s just another sin you’re piling up on your tab.” She faced me, still wearing a face that was never tainted with emotions. “You’ll just erase one sin with another sin. There is no point. ” Katiya stopped walking. She gripped both my shoulders tightly while staring intently into my eyes. “And if my memory tells me right, you are not to blame for what happened in your past. If anyone has to pay, it’s your parents. It’s not you. You’re also a victim of this chaos.”

"I'm at fault," I emphasized, full of opposition to her opinion. "The moment that I surrender my fight, and that exact moment that I let them rule me, that's when everything ended in my own hands."

She was stunned but remained staring at me. Although there was no trace of emotion on her face, I could feel that she did not agree with what I said. "You are one hell of a crazy bitch, Prescilla."

“Why are you helping me then?” I asked in a confused state.

She looked away. “Because I know the feeling that you have. The feeling of being alone with no one to ask for help. You’re all alone in your battles. I know because I also went through that same point. But you still have hope, you can still be saved if you’ll just open your mind and eyes.”

I averted my gaze from her. I knew what she meant with her last words. I also felt it myself because of the few times it happened because of someone.

But saving someone should be a two-way street. It would never work if one party isn’t cooperative. If the person you want to give a helping hand refuses to be helped, then it's useless. That person would never reach your hand and will never allow herself to be lifted from his or her drowning state.

Just like me. I say no to being saved.

I've questioned everything that has happened in my life multiple times. Hoping that there would be an answer to my whys. Because I just couldn’t get it. Everything happened one after another. I wasn’t given any break to breathe and have everything processed. Until I came to a point where I hit rock bottom. A point where the only option I have was to give up.

I was young. I was fragile. I knew nothing about life, but I had a big dream for my child. But life was never on my side. It never let me have the liberty to be me and live my life the way I wanted it to be.

I gently removed Katiya’s hand on my shoulders. “There’s no way out of this unless it's my life that will end everything,” I said painfully.

Using her cold eyes, she looked at me sharply. She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at me with no emotion on her face.

She always acts cold, and distant. Katiya often acts as if she doesn't care for a not-so-surprising reason that she actually doesn't. But at times like this, I knew that Katiya was a friend and was concerned about me.

Even though she can't show or translate what she feels into words, I know deep inside her there's still a small amount of worry that she feels towards me.

“I know I am not capable of changing the course of your mind. But I want you to tell him the truth before you make your plans.” She raised an eyebrow at me as she forced the things she was saying into my mind. “It’s his right. And yours, too. You both deserve to leave your past with truths.”

I did not speak. I just kept looking at him but my mind already had an answer for her suggestion.

Telling him wouldn't make any difference. Or maybe if it does, it wouldn't be the same anymore. It would never bring us back together. We would never go back to the way we used to be.

It could no longer happen. Not when the present was as blurry as muddy water. Because what happened already left a mark on each of our own lives. Our relationship was already tainted by the permanent scars I've created for the both of us. It would be forever engraved on our hearts and minds down to our souls, tainting our beautiful memories together. It would never be forgotten no matter how many decades may pass.

Just like crumpled paper and broken glass, no matter how hard you try and even though you're persistent in making it the same as before, it will never be back to its original form.

I knew that me and Harris would eventually fall apart, even without the sin I have committed. I knew that one day all secrets would just come out and break us.

Everything just went earlier than planned because of what happened to me. The process only accelerated because of the loss of our son. So even though I knew I also had the right to blame him for something, I didn’t do it because the wound I inflicted on the two of us was deeper than my truths.

“I would see him the day after tomorrow, again,” I said, informing her about my plan for the following days.

With her face still void of any emotion, she looked at me. “Will you tell him?”

“No,” I immediately answered.

She just shrugged her shoulders at me and walked ahead. I didn't say a word and just followed her.

We are two different people, Katiya and I. Our opinions differ and our beliefs don't match one another. No matter how we contradict someone because we think that what they're about to do is not right, if the person is close-minded, he or she would never hear our opinion even if we scream for it the loudest.

“I will pay. ” Katiya restrained me from pulling my purse out of the drawstring bag I was carrying. “Just keep your money. Save it. You still have to find another place to move to.”

“I still have money, Katiya,” I answered with a wrinkled forehead.

“I know. But I have more money now so just shut up and listen to me.”

I was about to give her my rebut when she turned to me with her cold eyes. I wasn’t affected then but I’m sure people who didn’t know her were affected.

She's one hell of a scary woman. Whether it was because of her eyes, the dark shadow that enveloped her, or because of her icy voice, that depends on how people would see her. She is scary from any angle.

And the woman over the counter is proof of it. The woman turned pale and now moved with a rush while punching our items. Probably because she wants us to leave already.

Her reaction isn't exaggerated but the truth about how scary Katiya can be.

“You scared her,” I whispered to Katiya.

She quickly glanced at the woman before resuming what she was doing, putting our purchases on the counter. "Do I look like I care?"

I shook my head and helped her. “What if the time comes and you'll have a baby? Would you still be like that? You'll scare your child, Katiya.”

I saw her momentarily stop with my words. The tape she was holding slowly slipped from her hand until she finally released it weakly.

"I won't have one," she replied after a few minutes of silence. She continued what he was doing but this time her eyesight remained in her hand. "I don't want to give my future child a complicated life."

“How would you know that? You never know what will happen in the future.”

She stood up straight and directly looked at my eyes using the cold and lifeless pair of hers. “I know the feeling. Of course, I'll know because that's where I came from.”