Chapter 6

Amara

I'm glad that Kuya and Manang Nenita were with me yesterday. They helped me with everything I needed to do and even drove me to the airport.

Returning to the States feels different now that I'm no longer a Villanueva.

Ang huling punta namin rito ay noong nag bakasyon kami, magkasama at masaya. Ngunit ngayon, ako nalang mag isa. The change is hard to accept. And I hate how just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Everything feels strange and new, as if the world has shifted slightly, making me see everything from a different perspective. The weight of my new reality is heavy.

But it's good to be back here. At least now I'm with my family. It gives me a sense of comfort I desperately need right now. Though everything feels different, being surrounded by those who love me makes it a little easier for me. Pero hindi pa rin ako natutuwa sa ginawa nila kahapon, para lang ma sorpresa ako pag pumunta.

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. But I know I'll be fine. Things always get better in the end. Mabigat pa sa ngayon. This, too, will pass, and I'll find my way through it.

I looked outside the window at the city lights below. They were beautiful, but I couldn't bring myself to feel excited like I used to.

Natigil ako sa pagtingin sa baba nang makaramdam ako ng matinding pagkahilo. I grabbed the plastic bag I always keep in my bag when I travel, just in case. Parang masusuka ako.

This was new for me. Hinawakan ko nalang muna ang plastic. I rested my head against the seat, feeling awful. I'd never felt like vomiting while on a flight before. I tried to stay calm. Ngunit hindi ko na napigilan nang tumagal.

I guess I'm too stressed and haven't had enough sleep, which is why I vomited. Parang hinahalukay ang tiyan ko. After this flight, I'll make sure to rest, napapabayaan ko na ang sarili ko.

A few more minutes until I arrive. I feel a mix of sadness and a hint of relief. I’m finally with my family again, but he's no longer here. I sighed deeply.

I don’t know how to cope with this now that I’m alone again. It feels strange. I got so used to having him around that being alone now, going back to being a Fernandez, feels weird and wrong.

The love we shared now feels like a cruel joke, and it hurts more than I can bear.

Pag naaalala ko ang halikan nila ni Tiana parang gusto ko na lamang silang saktan pareho. Wala akong ginawa sakanila kung hindi ay maging isang mabuting asawa at kaibigan. Tama si Kuya Mel, masyado akong naging maluwag at mabait.

Even when his mother disrespected me right in front of him, he never did anything to stop it or stand up for me. Kahit pa sinubukan niya itong pigilan, hindi pa rin ito nag tagumpay.

It’s clear she knows him well, understands exactly what he likes and dislikes. Kilalang kilala niya ang anak niya. Kaya siguro ganoon nalang kung tratuhin niya ako, dahil siya mismo alam kung ano ang tunay na nararamdaman ng anak niya.

Ang daling pinaniwalaan ang mga paratang sa akin. It’s painful to realize that he might have seen this as his chance to leave me. When the opportunity came, he took it without a second thought, leaving me.

Hindi man lang pinaabot ng isang buwan, ilang oras lang yata nang umalis siya sakin at nakipaghalikan na sa iba.

Ako ba talaga ang nagloko, Javier?

After a few more minutes, my flight finally landed. The cold wind hit my face as I stepped outside. Mas mabuting na rin na dito ako, baka sakaling gumaan kahit konti.

I grabbed my suitcase and headed to the taxi stand. The cab pulled up quickly, and I climbed in, giving the driver the address to our house. Nakakapanibago, pero hindi na rin masama. Masasanay din ako, kinaya ko noon at kakayanin ko ulit ngayon. The city passed by in a blur of lights and shadows as the cab made its way through the streets.

The familiar sights of home began to appear, but they felt different somehow, almost distant. Each turn and street sign brought a wave of memories, both good and painful.

Finally, we reached the house. I paid the driver, took my luggage, and stood for a moment on the doorstep. The place looked the same, but it felt colder, emptier. I took a deep breath and opened the door, inaasahan ang sorpresa sa akin.

Ngunit para akong nanlamig nang makitang walang tao roon. Nanginginig akong pumasok. Hindi maari... Para sa sorpresa iyon hindi ba? Nasaan sila ngayon?

As I stepped inside, Nia, one of the housekeepers, emerged from the kitchen with a look of surprise on her face. Nia is also Filipina and works here overseas.

Ngumiti ito nang marahan, nang makabawi sa pagkabigla. "Ma'am, nandito na pala kayo. Upo ka muna ma'am." Inalalayan ako nito papunta sa upuan.

"Nasaan sila?" I asked, my voice trembling. Please, let this be a surprise. It has to be a surprise.

Hindi totoo iyong sinabi ni tita sa tawag. Hindi dapat totoo iyon. Huwag ngayon, hindi ko kakayanin.

Tears started to well up in my eyes, almost spilling over. There was no way. My mother couldn’t be gone. I couldn’t bring myself to believe it.

Hindi sumagot si Nia, niyakap ako nito. Nakakabigla, ngunit nakakagaan ng pakiramdam. Walang tigil sa pag tibok nang mabilis ang puso ko.

"Nasaan sila, Nia?" Inulit ko ang tanong ko, ngunit nanatili itong tahimik.

She pulled away from the hug and grabbed her purse from the counter. Taking my hand, she gently guided me outside. I had no idea where we were heading, natatakot akong malaman.

We took a short cab ride, and as we approached our destination, my heart sank when I saw the sign for the social hall. My stomach churned as I realized it was the place where wakes are usually held.

Nanginginig ang katawan ko, ayoko nang tumuloy. Walang tigil sa pagpatak ang mga luha ko. Hindi ko man lang magawa ang magpahinga sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko. Bakit ngayon pa...

"Bakit nandito tayo Nia? Ayoko rito, umuwi na tayo." Saad ko, ngunit hinawakan lamang ako nito sa kamay at tiningnan ako sa marahan na paraan. Ang mga mata nito ay malungkot habang nakatingin sa akin.

Umiling ako, ayaw tanggapin ang nangyayari.

The cab came to a stop in front of the social hall. Nia continued to guide me, each step feeling like it was getting harder and harder to take. My legs felt heavy, and every move seemed to take all my strength.

When we walked through the door, the sight before me nearly stopped my heart. There, near the urn, was a large photograph of my mother. Her smile looked so serene and peaceful.

Sampal sa katotohanan na inaasahan ko. Ang sorpresang inaasahan ko.

Akala ko pag umuwi ako rito, ay mababawasan ang sakit na nadarama ko. Mas lalo lamang itong nadagdagan.

I saw the family turn to me, their faces full of pain. Their grief was too much to bear. I couldn’t move another step. My legs gave out, and I fell to the floor, feeling completely lost.

I cried with a deep, aching pain that felt like it was coming from my core. Ang bawat hikbi ay masakit sa aking dibdib. Everything around me blurred as I cried uncontrollably, kinakain ako ng matinding kirot sa aking dibdib.

Sinubukan akong itayo ni Nia, ngunit hindi ko na kaya pang tumayo. Lumapit sa akin ang pamilya, ngunit si Tita ang nauna, umiiyak habang umupo sa tabi ko at niyakap ako.

“Why would you leave me, Mom? Bakit?” I cried out, my voice breaking with every word. Bawat tanong ay parang kutsilyong tinatarak sa dibdib ko.

Ayokong paniwalaan noong nalaman ko, ginawa ko ang lahat para kalimutan ang sinabi ni Tita. Iniisip na baka may sorpresa lang para sa pagdating ko. Pero bakit ganito naman kasahol ang madadatnan ko…