Chapter 5

Amara

I sat in the car next to Kuya, our driver, tears streaming down my face. The rain outside was relentless, and I was completely drenched.

Palagi akong nililingon ni Kuya Mel dahil sa pag aalala. Walang tigil sa pag buhos ang mga luha ko, sumasabay sa lakas ng ulan.

He only stayed out of pity? I guess I was so absorbed in my own emotions that I failed to notice it. I'm too blind to see it until it's too late.

"Isipin mo nalang na mabuti na iyong nalaman mo agad nak. Habang wala pa kayong anak, mas mahirap pag meron na." Hindi na nakatiis si Kuya sa paglingon sa akin. Nag aalala nang lubusan.

"Oo nga po" I agreed, but deep down, I wished I hadn’t known. I loved him too much, enough to accept even his pity just to be by his side.

But now that I knew the truth? I had to accept it and let go. It was clear I couldn't give him the happiness he deserved. Each beat from my chest felt like a painful reminder of what I had lost

Masakit malaman ang totoo. Ngunit nagdala rin ito sa akin ng konting pag asa. Hindi ako hinayaang makulong sa isang relasyon na ako nalang mag-isa ang tumatakbo. I couldn't keep holding on to someone who didn’t truly want to stay.

"Nak, nandito lang kami palagi ni Nenita ha? Ihahatid ka naming dalawa sa airport anak. Magpakatatag ka." Kuya Mel’s words made me cry even harder.

God, I love them so much. I'm so thankful they're still with me during these darkest moments of my life.

I feel so lost, but Kuya Mel's words give me a bit of comfort. Still, I worry about what happens if I leave now. Where will they work? I know Javier wouldn't stay in our house now that we're divorced.

It’s hard to accept, but it's my reality. I'm back to being a Fernandez. Having his surname, even for a short time, was a special part of my life. Those five years with him were filled with happiness.

"Thank you, Kuya," I said weakly, my voice barely above a whisper. I turned to look out the car window, the rain blurring the view, much like the tears in my eyes.

Mahal na mahal kita Javier na kahit ayaw sa akin ng pamilya mo, ipinaglaban kita. Ngunit ngayon na ikaw mismo ang sumuko, ano pa bang lugar ko para ipaglaban ka sa bagay na matagal nang talo?

You gave me beautiful memories to treasure, but I’d be lying if I said what happened with Tiana didn’t make me furious. If it were just about pity, I might have tried to win you back. But seeing those pictures of you kissing Tiana so passionately makes me question whether you ever really loved me.

Nakakagalit, gusto ko silang saktan. Iparamdam ang bagay na ginawa nila sa akin.

The images make me doubt everything we had. Even though our time together brought me joy, it’s hard to ignore the pain and betrayal I feel now. Ang saya na naramdaman ko noon, ay walang wala sa sakit na nararanasan ko ngayon.

I hate how he made me feel so stupid behind my back. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m deeply hurt. But right now, my anger is stronger than my pain.

It’s hard to accept how he tricked me, making me feel like I was in the wrong. Nandito pa rin ang sakit, ngunit hindi na yata kayang takpan ng sakit at pagmamahal ang lahat ng ginawa nila sakin.

Sa lahat ng tao, iyon pa talagang pinagkatiwalaan ko. Ang gago mo rin palang magmahal, Javier.

"Kuya, kung wala na kayong trabaho ni Manang sa bahay, just contact me. Kung payag po kayong sumama sa akin sa States, dadalhin ko po kayo doon."

"Nako nak, masyado na kaming matanda para doon." Tumawa siya nang mahina, ngunit hindi tinatanggal ang mata sa daan.

"Wala naman pong problema iyon kuya, ako na po ang bahala sa lahat."

Noong nag iisa lamang ako dito sa Pilipinas, dahil ang buong pamilya ko ay nasa ibang bansa. Sila ang nagtayo bilang pangalawang pamilya ko rito. Hindi nila ako pinabayaan, at parang anak na rin ang turing sa akin. I couldn't thank them enough for it.

"Maghilom ka muna anak, wag mo kaming intindihin ng asawa ko. Mabubuhay kami sa kahit anong trabaho rito." Tiningnan ako nito ang ngumiti ng marahan, sinuklian ko rin iyon.

"Nasasaktan ako ngayon kuya. Pero hindi ko maintindihan, nagagalit din ako." Saad ko "Ganoon na talaga siguro kababaw yung paningin nila sa akin kuya." Sinubukan kong itawa ang kirot sa dibdib na naramdaman ko habang sinasabi iyon.

Pumatak ang mga luha, at agad ko namang inalis iyon. Pagod na akong maging mahina.

Nanatili lamang seryoso ang mukha ni kuya. "Kaya hindi rin mabuti minsan na masyado kang mabait nak. Maraming tao ang kokontrahin ka, at dahil mabait ka, alam nilang hindi ka iimik."

"I just don’t want to be like them, Kuya. I would never do the things they did to me. At siguro nga, 'yon ang mali ko."

Thinking about everything they did to me, I realize I just stayed silent and did whatever they told me. Maybe I let them take advantage of me. If they were in my place, I can already imagine how they’d react.

The thought of it makes me feel both excited and angry. It’s confusing because I love Javier so much and would never want to hurt him. But their actions bring up feelings I can’t fully understand. Gusto ko ipamukha sakanilang lahat ang mali nila.

I gave him all my love and everything I could offer. It’s understandable if I feel angry about what he did.

It’s strange that I’m thinking about this, pero walang tigil sa pagpatak ang mga luha ko.

“You really think I’m too kind, Kuya?” I asked with a weak chuckle.

"Oo nak, pinaglihi ka yata sa anghel." Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. Unang tawa ngayong araw.

“Would you dislike me, Kuya, if I said I hate them for what they did to me?"

"Naiintindihan ko ang galit mo anak, kung ganyan ang nararamdaman mo. Kung ako ang nasa pwesto mo baka pinagbabaril ko na ang mga 'yon."

I chuckled softly, even though the pain was overwhelming. "I wouldn’t do that, Kuya. Not that far."

Not that far... Is it really worth it, though?

I could feel the weight of my soaked clothes, clinging to me. Napakapihikan mo sa lalaki noon Amara, pero ano itong nangyari ngayon? You've fallen so low that you're ashamed of what has happened.

Maybe I'm just really dumb. I'm still missing him, despite all of it. while he’s probably enjoying life with Tiana.

I didn’t expect Tiana to be involved like this. I always thought I was the one in the wrong, just being jealous of Javier’s friend. But now, it turns out my instincts were right all along. Isa nga siyang problema sa akin.

He was my first boyfriend. Noon pa man, ay wala talaga akong balak pumasok sa isang relasyon. I always saw them as temporary fixes that eventually turn into problems. Javier proved to me that love could be more than I thought. But in the end, tama pa rin ako. It's all just a lot of disappointment.

I hope you’re satisfied with the path you’ve chosen, Javier. Right now, all that matters to me is reclaiming my own happiness after you’ve taken everything out of me.