Chapter 1: D-day

Chapter 1: 

Today is D-day, it's my first day as a college student in a university. I feel so nervous, all my friends in high school decided to enroll in another university and some of them choose to have work first. I left here alone to go to my dream university. 

When I arrived inside the university, I went to the registrar office first and got my ID. I started to roam around, I saw a clock tower in the middle of the field with the name of the university written on it. Since it's still early I plan to have a self tour in this university. I took the mini brochure in my sling bag, and followed the directions written there. While I'm busy looking and following the brochure, someone bumps me, and all of my things smash on the floor. 

"Oh my god, sorry. I will take care of this." She immediately put all my things that were already in a mess. 

"Here, I hope it does not get damaged. I'm really sorry, I'm in a hurry." She said, 

"Ahm- it's okay. By the way, take care next time." I said to her, and about to leave. 

"Oh, so you're freshmen?" She asked, my brows furrowed and slightly gave her a nod. 

"I'm Alina, you can call me Ali." She gave me her hands, I just accepted it. 

"Which department are you in? What is your course?" I find it uncomfortable but it's good that I have someone to talk to. 

"Ahm, art department. I'm taking a BA in English Language Studies, how about you?" I asked back. 

"Oh my god, we're in the same course and department . This is nice, can we be friends?" Masyadong friendly naman ang isang to. I just smile at her and nod. At Least I have a new friend now. 

"Oh my, there's a lot of good looking college guys here. Did you know that in this university there's also a lot of popular celebrities? Did you hear that?" I just shrugged, aanhin ko naman yun hindi naman yun ang pinunta ko rito. 

"Oh, then that's good." I told her, while my eyes looking around the university showed I was uninterested in what she was saying. 

"Okay, it looks like you're not interested in them. But me, I want them all hihi" I rolled my eyes at her and we both laughed. 

"Hi, Can I ask where the bathroom is?" A tall girl asked us, Ali and I looked at her. She's quite a goddess look, her long wavy hair floating like it was a sea wave. She smiles at us, her eyes become small that make her look like a doll. 

"Dyosa ba yan?" Ali whispered to me. 

"Siguro, ang ganda ei." I whispered back. 

"Ahm, You turn left and you'll see a sign there." Ali answered her question recently. 

"Oh, I'm kinda rude, I didn't introduce myself earlier. I'm Jennica but you can call me Jen or Nica. It's up to you guys." Ali and I introduced ourselves to Jen too. She's nice and I didn't know that she's a model. With a snap of a second, we were already in the bathroom and Ali and I accompanied her in this bathroom. She's actually good. 

"So, model ka pala?" Ali asked Jen. We're going to a stadium for the upcoming program. I think it's about welcoming us, freshmen. 

"Oo, 14 yrs old palang ako nung nung nag start ako sa modeling." Jen shared her story. 

"Ang bata mo pa no? What your parents say about your modeling career." This time I ask. 

"Well, they are fine with it besides they are busy with their own life now. They are divorce" Jen continued  to answer our question. My mouth formed an "o" when I heard her. Ali did the same. We become quiet after that, it feels like we hit something on her. 

"You know what guys, it's fine beside I'm doing good so I feel great." Jen said try to convince us. 

"Saan ka tumutuloy?" Ali asked. 

"My Dad buy me a condominium, malapit lang dito. That's his graduation gift to me." She gave us a smile. Ali and I stopped asking more about her, nakakahiya naman kung maging usisera kaming dalawa. 

"Oh, the program is about to start. Let's find our seats." Ali and Jen pulled me with them. 

The three of us sat in the second row near the stage in front. I'm just listening for the whole time but Ali and Jen keep talking, I am always like this. Since it is our first day, my inner me is still hidden. 

The program only lasted about an hour. And it's already break time. 

"What do you want to eat, I will treat you guys." Jen said. Nagkatinginan naman kami ni Ali. 

"Ang yaman ha, first day palang nang lilibre na." Ali joked at her. She just laughed and asked again what we wanted to eat. I told her I like lasagna and okinawa milk tea without pearls. Ali just wants whatever Jen ordered. Jen went to the counter and left us here at the table. 

While we are waiting for Jen. A lot of girls screamed like they saw something. Ali got curious at nagpaalam na titingnan lang daw niya. Pumayag na lang ako at hinayaan siya. 

So, I open my social media account and just scroll there and react to my friends posts. While I was scrolling, I saw Ali running oncoming to our table. 

"Why, what's in there?" I ask her. 

"Oh my God. It's a famous actor and he's a student here. Wait, I don't recall the name, Rage or Rain, basta sa R yun nag start!" She said while jumping and she shook me like she was dreaming. 

"Tumigil ka." Inalis ko yung kamay niyang nakahawak sa braso ko. As if I give a damn, to those 'artists'. 

"Hey, this is your food. Sorry, natagalan lang ako may kinausap pa kasi akong kilala kong artista." Jen said. I look around this cafeteria and everyone is back to normal. 

"Oh my god, this university is really big huh. Imagine having a famous star studying here is a big flex, ano!" Ali said, before she took a bite to her burger. 

" Yeah, I heard about it. In fact this university is accepting foreign students too." Jen replied. 

Nabuga naman ni Ali ang kinakain dahil kinikilig na naman. Bakit ba siya kinikilig ano ba meron, ei lalaki lang naman yan. Napailing na lang ako sa kanya, even Jen just laugh at her actions. 

After the break, I find my block because I have classes for my major subject and minor subject this afternoon. The first class nothing happened, just a simple orientation about the subject and the introduction of 'yourself' thing. I haven't done anything but I feel exhausted already. Even though I'm just 20 years old. I rolled my eyes thinking that, so am I that lazy? 

The three of us are in a different block, my classes ended so early so I left alone. I went to the open field where benches and big trees were displayed. I see some students reviewing their lessons while earphones or headphones on. Others are just chatting, there's also some couples who are spending their time here. I chose a bench near the narra tree, I sat down and took my small camera in my sling bag. I like taking photos, I don't know but for memory I guess. 

I took some stolen pictures of students, their laughing, chatting and some are just zoning out. When I look at my side, there's a student who is sleeping . I took a picture of him. But after he opened his eyes. 

"Delete that." He commanded. I raised my left brows and was confused by what he was saying. 

"Delete what?" I asked again. 

"You took a photo of me!" He said, and changed his position from lying to sit. 

"It's just a single photo, besides I took a photo of these students who are in here." I told him. I don't know why he looks so pissed, and his jaw even moves like a mad man. 

"Ok, I'm sorry since I don't have permission coming from you. I deleted it na lang." So, I deleted it and showed it to him. 

"You really delete that?" His brows furrowed, like it was impossible to delete his photo? He really confuses me. 

"Yeah, why? I did you a favor right?" I told him. Still confused. 

"Is this a trick? Then after you're going to upload all my photos in social media with a caption saying, 'oh my gosh, I saw Rage today at the campus' am I right?" What? Why would I even do that? I think he is sick, kawawa naman siya. 

"I--think you have a sickness, you want me to get you medicine or something?" I ask so politely. 

His expression changes, and from what I see he looks like thinking. Parang tinatansya niya kung totoo ba sinasabi ko o hindi. 

"Do you know me?" He asked. I look at him from head to toe. I think I saw him but I did not recall and I don't care who he is. 

"No, sorry. But you said your name recently right? I'm Lexia." I said, and waved at him. But I found it awkward. Why would I wave at him, instead of asking him to shake hands? Gaga ka rin Lexia…

I bit my lower lip because of the embarrassment I feel. 

"Oh, I deleted your photo already, I'm going to leave na." I told him. Thank God, he didn't say anything. Phew~

------

The whole day ended and I safely just got home, when I arrived at home. Mama is still not here, only my mom and I live together. I heard from my mom before that my father died so early in an accident. But when I grew up I heard some things about other people that my father is not dead, and he has just left us and chosen other women. But for now, I don't know anymore. I don't even know what is fact or not. I just want to continue and be myself. If he really leaves us, then he is not a real man. He is a coward! 

My Mom is a retired teacher, I still can't get it. She still looks young but she has already retired from teaching. Now, she works as a manager in a resort near here at our compound. I ask her so many times why? But she just told me that she hates kids. Then why does she have me if she hates kids? 

I changed my clothes from a casual dress to shorts and a loose t-shirt. That's how I dress when I'm in the house. After that I started cleaning and washing the dishes. Our house is  enough for 4 members of a family. That's why it's not that big and small, just enough. 

I was about to cook dinner when my phone suddenly rang. 

It's Jen. 

"Hello, what's up." I said in my line. 

"Are you free tonight?" She said in her line, I can hear her surroundings in her place because it's too loud. 

"Ahm, may I ask why?" I answered. I have to move my phone away because of the noise coming from her. 

"I threw a party in my condo, you want to come? It's a freshmen party and I want you to come here. Whooo~" she said in a loud voice. 

"I have to ask my mom. She's not home yet!" I said it in a loud voice too. 

"Oh, sure, just call me if you want to come. Ipapa-sundo kita sa friend ko." I ended the call. She left a text message after. 

From Jen: 

Just text me your address if you want to come okay? 

To Jen: 

Sure! 

I also received a text from Ali. 

From Ali:

Sis, punta ka sa condo ni Jen nagpa-party ang dyosa. Freshmen party daw. 

To Ali:

Text ako pag pupunta ako, wala pa si Mama ei. Enjoy kayo." 

From Ali:

G, daming gwapings dito. By the way, ingat. 

After reading her text, I started to continue what I'm doing. 

"Alicia, anjan ka na ba?" Si Mama dumating na. 

"Opo Ma, kanina pa. Mano po."

"Kaawaan ka ng Diyos."

Kinuha ko naman yung mga dala niya, nilapag ko yun sa lamesa niya sa kwarto nila Papa. 

"Kumain ka na ba? Bumili ako ulam." Inabot niya sa akin ang nakalagay sa plastic na ulam, mukhang mainit init pa. 

"Ma, inaaya nga po pala ako ng mga bago kong kaibigan sa isang party." Paalam ko kay Mama. 

"Ngayong gabi?" Tanong niya sa akin. Tumango na lang ako bilang tugon. 

"Salamat Ma." Sabi ko. 

"Mag-ingat ka." I give her a small hug, and I hurriedly go to my room to change clothes. Hindi na rin siguro ako kakain doon na. I choose a white top, and a black shorts and I pair it up to white shoes. I also put some light make up on my face. I also sprayed Victoria's Secret perfume. 

I took my phone and type my address, sabi kasi ni Jen i-text ko lang address ko sa kanya at may susundo na sa akin. 

From Jen:

Sure, just wait for him there in your house okay. 

To Jen:

Okay, thanks! 

Since, hindi pa naman wala pa naman ang susundo sa akin. I sat on our couch here in the small living room of our house. 

I saw my mom, talking to someone outside. Baka yung mga amiga niya lang. There's nothing wrong if I party tonight, though it's still the first day of school but I think maybe this is also the last, cause you know college life is hard. 

"Anak may bisita ka." Tawag ni Mama mula sa labas. 

Agad kong kinuha yung maliit kong sling bag, at lumabas na. I saw an expensive car. I don't even know what type of car it is. I am not a car person by the way. I like commuting and riding a simple jeepney. 

"Ma, uuwi ako agad." Sabi ko kay Mama, at nagmano para magpaalam. 

"Sige, lang anak. Enjoy mo lang." Hinawi ni Mama ang buhok kong natatakpan ang kaliwa kong mata, ngumiti lang ako at umalis. Hindi na rin ako nag abalang tignan pa kung sino ang driver, basta na lang ako pumasok sa kotse. 

"Oh, it's you." I look at the man who is talking. I raised my brows at him, I just put my earphones on. I don't like unnecessary noise when I'm on a ride. Just music. 

The music I played is already playing in my ears, so I started to mumble the lyrics. But something I notice is that the car isn't moving?  

I have to remove the earphone and look at the guy. 

"Oh, finally! You listen now." He chuckles, and I notice that he is the guy from school lately, the one I took a photo of without permission. Yes he's that guy! Oh my gosh, napa-ayos naman ako ng upo bigla. 

"Oh, hi." I wave my hand. He just smirked? I roll my eyes at him. 

"You know me, now?" He said and started the engine of the car so we could go. 

"Why am I supposed to know you?" I said sarcastically! I think this guy is really sick. 

"Whoo~~, do you really don't know me? Do you?" 

"Kuya kabag lang yan." I told him, so he can shut up. Pero si bakla, tumawa lang. Mukha ba akong joker? Tinignan ko pa nga mukha ko sa salamin ng phone ko, para makompirma kong hindi smiley ang pagkaka pinta ko sa lips ko. Normal naman. 

"By the way, we haven't introduced ourselves properly. I'm Rage, nice to meet you, Lexie." Inirapan ko siya, tatandaan na nga lang pangalan ko mali pa. 

"No, it's Lexia. Okay. Le-k-si-ya, get mo ba??" 

He just shook his head. 

Tinamad na akong ibalik yung earphones at makinig ng kanta wala na ako sa mood. 

I counted the street light we passed by, after counting we already in front of Jen's condo. I texted Ali to fetch me at the lobby. 

From: Ali

I'm already at the lobby sis, bumili kami alak kasama ko yung model din. Daming gwapong kakilala ni Jen. 

To: Ali

Okay. Wait for me there. 

"Hey, hindi jan." that Rage pull me and sumakay kami sa elevator. Shit, si Ali baka hinihintay ako nun. 

"Alam mo pala desisyon ka no? May naghihintay sakin o." I told him, but that prick just ignored me. I massage my temples to calm down, akala mo naman kung sino. 

So I have to text Ali, na huwag na niya akong hintayin. 

To Ali:

Huwag mo na ako, hintayin paakyat na kami sa unit ni Jen. May kasama kasi akong damuho. Kita kits. 

I didn't see any reply to Ali, so I quietly waited for the end of the elevator and delivered us to Jen unit. 

I walk ahead of him, so he can't talk to me. He's so pushy and annoying. 

"Hoy, dito." He shouted at me. I rolled my eyes to him and just followed where he was going. I saw how his lips rose and formed a smile, iniisip ata nito ang gaga ko. 

"Alam mo kanina ka pa ha." I told him but he didn't say anything. 

He knocks on the door in this unit, maybe this is Jen's unit already. 

Someone opens the door from inside. It's Jen. 

"Hey, thank you so much Rage, come Lexia." I enter the unit and I see a lot of unfamiliar faces and other's I see from magazines or in commercials. Indeed Jen is famous too. 

I sat on the couch we're no one's seat yet. 

"Ano ba,wag ka jan. Come I'll introduce you to some of my friends. Come on." Jen pulled my arm, so I had no choice but to come with her. 

"Hey, this is my new friend Lexia. Lexia, Migz and Colly are also models." Jen said, I look at two men holding a glass of alcohol, I smile and wave at them. They just smile at me and give me a nod. 

After that Jen pulled me again and we came to the bunch of girls on the balcony chatting and drinking. 

"Oh my girls, hinay hinay ang lalakas niyo uminom." Jen warned them. They just laugh, and are already drunk. 

"By the way this is my new friend Lexia, Lexia, Elle, Nicole, and Mira. They are my high school friends, they're not models." I don't know what to-do and say, so I smile again. 

Buti na lang at pinabayaan na ako ni Jen. The whole unit is already a mess, I also see some broken bottles of alcohol on the floor. Paano pag may mabubog dito. I grabbed the trash can and I also took some table napkins to collect the broken pieces of bottles. So that no one will get hurt. 

"What are you doing?" I look at someone who is talking, but I get irritated again when I see who it is. The Rage guy. 

"Hindi ba obvious?" I told him. He sat too so we are now the same level. 

But he's just looking at what I'm doing and just like that. Akala ko pa naman, marunong tumulong. Sabagay sa mukha niya hindi halatang tumutulong yan ano. 

I was about to clean the mess when someone bumped me on my back, and the cut pieces of bottles and the nib of it, scratched my hand. 

"Oh my god, I'm sorry. Sorry." The drunk guy apologize, uminom na naaayon sa kakayahan jusme. 

"Be careful your step dude." Rage stands and pulls the drunk guy's arm. 

"I'm sorry sorry." He waves his hand at us and I see he leaves this unit. 

I was about to go back to what I'm doing when Rage pulled my hands. 

Problema neto? 

"Oh?" I said. 

"There's blood on it?" He showed me my hands. Then I realized that it scratched from those broken bottles and it's now bleeding. Hindi ko man lang naramdaman ang sakit? Manhid yern? 

"I'm going to ask Jen if she has, first aid kit." Rage said, the moment he mentioned Jen. I clearly see her, she's now making out with a guy. Pumasok pa talaga sila sa kwarto. I can't see Ali here either. 

"I think Jen is busy." I said not looking at him. 

"I will find her." Rage offer. I stopped him, and whispered in his ear. 

"She's making out with a guy, pumasok sila sa kwarto nakita ko." I told him. I see how his mouth forms an 'o'. 

"As far as I know she didn't have a boyfriend." Rage said, hindi ko na lang naisip yun. The moment I saw Jen this day, I knew that she's a responsible woman and she knows what she's doing and I think it's enough with it. 

"If you want, gagamutin ko yan sa condo ko. Sa taas lang yun. May first aid ako dun. See, the blood won't stop from falling." Rage suggests. I just give him a nod, since the owner of this unit is already in her room making out with the guy. Rage and I left, I just followed him again. Since I don't know where his unit is! 

Binalot ko ng panyo yung sugat kong dumudugo. 

Rage and I, get on the elevator. He pressed the number of his floor, and I can see that he is on the highest floor of this building. Oh my god, did he just own a penthouse? Impossible or maybe ganon siya kayaman? 

I just remained quiet cause I don't know what to say. 

"What's your course?" He broke the silence. 

"BA in English Language Studies. You?" I said. 

"Science, Political Science." I just nod. That's it we become silent again. Gosh, why is it so awkward being with him. 

*ting*

After the elevator opened I followed him again. Why do I feel like I'm a dog following him? I rolled my eyes just thinking of that. 

We walk in a long hallway, and nothing else. Wait, so he really has a penthouse? 

After the long walk, he swiped a card on his door and it opened immediately. 

He gave me a sign, using his head to go inside. While he is holding the door knob. 

Malaki ang unit niya, nakaka-intriga lang sa ganda. 

There's also a big picture of him in the middle of his big wall, and also a big cabinet for all trophies he must be smart. I'm in the middle of observing his unit when a family photo of him caught my attention. 

"Hey, your father is Congressman Suarez?" I ask Rage. His father is a politician, which explains why he chose political science. He must want to become like his father someday. 

"Yeah, and that's a curse." He said he is now holding a first aid kit. 

"Why is it a curse?" I ask. 

"Having a father like him is really bad." He said and now he's starting to apply some betadine on my flesh wound. 

"Oh, I get it. Because he chose to serve the country rather than being with you and your Mom." Napatigil siya sa sinabi ko. 

"Serve the country my ass, you don't know him do you?" He said and went back to his doing on my hand. 

"Yeah, am I supposed to know him that much. Wait, is that the reason why you won't believe me in school that I didn't know you?" I ask, remembering our encounter in school. 

"No, huwag mo nang isipin yon. I like to be with someone who doesn't know me." he said. 

"Why?" I ask, feeling ko unti unti ko na siyang nakikilala. 

"You know, sometimes it feels exhausting to be with someone who knows a lot of things about you. It's just that it's hard to hide, sometimes someone you met 3 hours ago is better than those people who have been present in your life since day one." He explains, he's saying that while he is putting ethyl alcohol on my flesh wound. 

Masyado naman 'tong malalim. 

I choose to stay quiet, para kasing may pinaghuhugutan siya. 

"Since Jen is not here, am I the one who will send you to go home. It's that alright?" He asked. 

"Oh, bago ko pa makalimutan. Si Ali hindi ko pa siya nakikita baka kung ano mang mangyari dun?" I took my phone to my sling bag, and dial's Ali number. 

"Hey, where are you?" I asked. 

"Ahm, coffee shop. Pabalik na kami sa unit ikaw?" She asked in her line. 

"I'm going home. I'm with Rage." I said in my line and looked at Rage sitting and playing his lower lip while looking at me. 

"Oh, may boylet agad ha." I made a face when I heard what she said, yeah. Rage may have a look and other girls can get crazy over him. But no, not me. 

"Umuwi ka na, kung sino mang yang kasama mo." And I ended the call, my phone vibrated again and read Ali text. 

From Ali:

Magkaka Jowa na ako. 

To Ali:

G, buhay mo yan ei. 

From Ali:

Mamatski. 

Hindi ko na siya nireplyan at inayos ko na ang mga gamit ko. 

"I think let's go na." I said to Rage. Gosh, he's tall. Why would I didn't notice that earlier? 

"You want to stay for longer?" He asked, looking at my eyes while I saw my reflection on his rare hazel eyes. 

"Why would I stay here? We're not even close yet!" I told him that. 

"Oh, yeah. Sorry! Lexia, let's go." 

Sumunod na lang ako sa kanya. 

Habang pababa ang elevator, biglang kumalam ang tiyan ko. He looked at me and pretended that nothing happened. Hindi nga pala ako nag-dinner. Kasi sabi ko kay Jen na. 

"Have you eaten?" He asked. 

I just nod. 

"Oh, okay." He looked away. 

But then my stomach started to make noise again. Shit, I should eat at home. 

"Let's eat first!" I was about to say something but the elevator already reached the parking lot. What? Bilis ha. 

"Get in." I sat beside the driver's seat. 

"Where do you want to eat?" He asks while driving.

"Nothing, I just eat at home." I said,  bakit naman ako magpapalibre sa kanya hindi ko pa nga sya close. 

"If that's what you want." He answered, but his brows got furrowed, is he thinking? 

Rage seems not bad and I don't know if he is good either. Since we just met today, I don't think being close with him is a good idea. 

My college life is just starting. Besides, our encounter is not good though. But here we are together, this going to be the last too.  

My Mom doesn't want me to be involved in any relationship, bata pa raw ako. I know that I am not also accepting suitors, plus the fact that I am not that attractive. Some of my friends always told me that I have charisma that makes people stare at me for a long time. 

They also call me a 'hallucinating' beauty, because of that. They just overreacting wala namang ganon. I'm just thankful to them, because they praise me like that. Aww, I already missed them. 

"What are you thinking?" Rage asked, I didn't know that we were stuck in traffic. It's also raining. 

"Nothing, just miss my old friends." I told him the truth. 

"Oh, I don't have many friends." He said, napalingon naman ako sa kanya. 

"Why?" I just want to know, maybe he is bad, that's why no one wants to be with him. Wait, am I being judgemental here? 

"Let's say, in my work only few people are considered to be good." May trabaho din siya? 

"Work? So, you're a working student?" I asked clearly. 

"Yeah, same as that. *laughs*" anong nakakatawa. Pinagtitripan ata ako neto eh. 

"What's funny about being a working student?" I said, he stopped laughing but I can see that he's controlling himself. 

"No, it's just new to me that someone doesn't know me, besides being the son of a Congressman." He said, looking at the road again. 

"Why is it new? Do you have any other job?" I asked, being confused on what he wanted to imply. 

"Huwag mo na nga isipin kung sino ako. Maganda nga yun may makakausap akong isang tao na hindi ako kilala." He smiled and I saw his deep dimple on the right side, he really has a greek god face huh. 

I don't know but this guy makes me think of who he is, it feels like I wanted to know more about him. But recently I don't care what kind of person he is. I don't want to be part of him and this is going to be my last time with him. But now, something pushed me inside to be close with him. It's just that it's rare and this feeling is new to me. 

This man really makes things complicated. 

But why am I looking forward to be with him again, since he said that 'may makakausap akong isang tao na hindi ako kilala' so there's another time for us? 

What is wrong with me? 

Or maybe, it's true that your first time happened when you became a college student. I am still clueless on what is going to happen. Am I ready? The answer is don't goddamned know. 

I also don't want to fail in my college studies, besides I want to enter the film industry someday. I hope it works. 

"We're here." I came back to reality when he opened a door for me. 

"Salamat ha. Ingat ka pauwi." Paalam ko sa kanya at papasok na sana ko ng gate. 

"Lexia!" He called me. 

"If you may, I want to get your number." He said while he scrounged his nape at the back. He looks so shy. 

"Why?" Ayan na naman ako sa mga tanong ko. 

"Like I said, earlier I wanted to be with someone who didn't know me." He explained. I can't see his expression. He's too hidden for me. 

"Okay, but call when it is necessary okay." I took my phone and showed him my number. He typed it into his phone and dialed the number I gave to him. Wala ba 'tong tiwala sakin? 

"Don't get me wrong, when I feel so tired and lost. I want someone to lean on. Hope it's ok with you?" This man really knew how to surprise me. I stared at him for a minute, before I gave a nod to him. 

"Pumasok ka na gabi na!" He said, binuksan ko na yung gate at Dire-diretso sa loob ng bahay. Before I closed the door I saw him getting inside his expensive car. 

Maybe, there's nothing wrong with it anyway!