I looked to the ground and was greeted by my scattered books. Why didn't I notice this sooner?
"Sorry." I whispered, both to the boy and myself.
"Sorry is not going to make the books magically appear in my fucking arms again, for Christ's sake, pick 'em up!" He demanded and he was right. It was my fault. I got to the floor and started picking up the books. Being on all fours, my knees hard against the dirty school floor was demoralising.
'Dumb and blind.'
I looked back up. There was something about the boy I liked. His jawline, it was captivating. A solid line from his ear, around his rounded cheeks down to his perfect chin.
Stop Xavier. Be normal.
"Stop looking at me you freak pick up the books!" He yelled ringing my ears. Funnily enough his features didn’t seem so attractive anymore.
"Here." I say, giving the books to him. He snatched them off me.
"Don't ever cross my lane again. Or you will see hell." He spat. Walking off. That's exactly what I need on my first day.
I kept walking. Trying to avoid the eyes which seared into me. I always had thought that if someone is staring at me, it would be for a negative reason. It's just the mindset I'm stuck in.
Then I found it. My only possible refuge amongst this hell. The bathroom.
"Thank goodness." I said to myself before opening the door and entering. Thankfully no one was in there. I saw a random red chair in the corner. It looked a little wonky and like it had just left abandoned. I couldn’t possible sit on it, so I used it to barricade myself inside the bathroom so no one could enter.
"Okay I got like 20 minutes before my first class." I grab out my book. Not a novel book. An exercise book. I write poems in. I turn to my most recent poem. Cliche but it’s about not fitting in. Sometimes I ponder though, if everyone feels like they do not fit in with the rest, doesn’t that make them fit in? Paradox.
"Okay, Umm..."
I start to brainstorm and read my thoughts whilst writing them down.
'I want to run far, far away
To a place where I feel I can stay
Stay somewhere I feel welcome
And not like an outcast
Because it seems everywhere I go
I feel like a victim eaten up fast
For once I plead
Someone to ask me
Will you please...'
The last line is not quite there. I can’t seem to reach into my mind to pluck out the correct piece in this poetic puzzle.
"It's not the right time. I have to go home and do it." I couldn't think properly. The school bathroom is not a place to write poems.
I checked my watch.
"Five minutes."
I got up, took the chair away from the door and try to navigate my way to my first class, which was math. I don't like math. It doesn't help that I'm not good at it.
After ten minutes trying to find my class, I finally find it. I was late but I found it. Better later than never right? I opened the door, all of me was hoping everyone else was late and no one would stare at me, but all of me also knew that there was no chance of that happening.
I opened the door. I heard the teacher stop talking. All eyes on me. Just what I need.
"Who are you?" The teacher asked, bitterly.
"Xavier." I say, I'm not sure she heard me.
"Speak up please."
I grabbed the sleeve of my hoodie and pulled it down, a nervous thing.
"Uh... Xavier." I say, a bit louder.
"You are new. Aren't you?" She asked. I would hope she have a little compassion but no emotion broke her porcelain grey face.
I nodded. I already hated this class and the teacher.
"Well, introduce yourself to the class then. Stop being so shy." I wanted to leave. She put so much pressure on me. But I bit my tongue. I can't get in trouble on the first day, my father will kill me.
"Um... I'm Xavier." What else was there to say? I didn't really know myself. I knew I was a sad person, I knew I liked music, but I don't want to tell these people things about me.
"What do you like?" The teacher prompted, seeming annoyed.
"Um...' Fuck. This was hard. I don't like this.
"...I like tacos." I say. I wasn't lying, tacos were my favourite.
"Bet you like razors too!" One kid yelled. Everyone snickered. That hurt. Why was everyone laughing? I immediately walked to the back of the class. The comment looped and lingered in my head. It made me nervous. I wanted to cry. It wasn't funny. I wish I had the courage to stand up for myself. But I don't.
"Okay so we are continuing with trigonometry..."
I didn't focus on her. I couldn't. Every school I go to. They always do that. Tease me. Why? How can they like seeing me hurt? It really isn't fun for me. I guess they just don't understand. I pulled down my sleeves and rested my head on the desk. I just wanted to be somewhere else. Someone else. I don't like me.
"Xavier?"
I wake up. I actually got some sleep. Wow.
"The bell has rung. Get out." The teacher said sternly.
"Oh." I check my watch and see that I'm late... yet again, for my second class. This isn't going as well as I planned.
I run out of the class. The halls are empty. I can feel myself breaking down. I can't handle being late again."Fuck." I curse. My tears threaten to escape my eyes. Hot tears boil in the corner of my eyes. I have biology next. It's not the thought of missing out and being punished by the teachers that is scaring me. It's my parents."Control yourself. You will be fine." The voice says.'No he won't. Xavier you are hopeless. Just drop out of school.'"I need to calm down." I say. I decide to skip biology. I need to take a breather. I walk outside. It's so isolated."If he finds out. He's going to kill you." The voice says."I know. But let's not think of that now. I can't think...I miss my brothers and my sister.""Yeah. We all miss them.""Why couldn'thedie instead of them!?" I yell.
Stay?What was that supposed to mean?The colour of the writing really made me curious. It was very red. Almost like blood.No. No. It can't be blood. I thought to myself. The bell rang, which brought me out of my thoughts. I kept this paper. I thought about the other one.Are they clues?But why would someone give me clues? No one really knows me here.I decide to fetch the other note out of the bin."What the fuck? What are you doing you hobo?" A booming voice comes from behind me. I look up and see it's the same guy from earlier, but this time, he had a gang.I couldn't speak. His mere presence would make me feel like a thread was being sewn between my lips, painfully closing them."Well?" He stood there awaiting my response."Don't you have a class to go to?" I asked.
I arrived home and knocked on the door."Hello Xavier." My mother answered the door."Hi." I say as I walked in."Well, how was school? Did you settle in?" She asked.I grab a chip packet and sit down at the table.'Well I was intimidated by this guy named Shawn and then I kind of fell for this really cute boy with the most unique hair and engaging eyes, but I didn't make any friends, that was my day.'But instead I said."It was fine.""Oh okay, that's good. Your father said he will be coming home a bit late."Silence filled the house. It was awkward at first, but I tried to zone out to ignore the awkwardness."I'm going to do homework now." I say, getting up and putting the chip packet in the bin."Okay, bye sweetheart."I climb the
I immediately regret everything I just said. Waves of heat flush through me and fill up every space in my body."You feel like you are being judged?" My father put down his briefcase and stepped closer to the table.I felt overwhelmed. Like walls closing in on my tiny and immobilised body. I was trapped and just wanted to escape."Please don't do this, come on." My mother said."No!" he snaps his head to my mother, his eyes burning into hers. He slyly turns his head towards me.“He needs to know what is right and wrong.” Quietly, the words escaped from his mouth and pierced into my heart.What is right and wrong? What doesn't he understand? I'm fine the way I am. Aren't I?"Now, tell me what you were saying to your mother!" With each word he slammed his hand down on the table, causing me to flinch.Should I tell him?
'Beep, Beep, Beep'I wake up. I can't wait to go to school today, only because of the blue-haired boy. He's been on my mind since last night. He even haunted my dreams. His skin I crave, his soul too."Xavier! Let's go!" I heard my mother yell from downstairs.I feel a bit awkward around my family because of last's night bout. Like there is a screen hanging above my head showing my father screaming at me to everyone who sees.I was confused at her tone of voice. Why was she telling me to hurry up? I just got up."I have to go to work Xavier!"Work? She never has been to work since she had children. I stumble out of bed puzzled. Maybe if I get to school early, I might see the boy. I skip my shower and quickly get clothes on."Oh no." I wince as the sleeve of my shirt brushes on top of the cut. The pain reminds my lapse I had last night. A permanent reminder
"Who's he?" I asked, I blink as my eyes dart from my desk to the door in a nervous matter.I then scanned her face, she seemed scared almost. Who can scare a person this much? She was about to speak, but she looked at the door and quickly walked way.I looked at the entrance.The hair.It was him.He was in my psychology class.Oh fuck. How am I supposed to concentrate now?He walked towards me.Why was he coming towards me?Everyone looked scared. Some avoided him completely whilst others jumped from him to their desks, and others were just caught, like a deer in headlights.Was it him that sits here? Is that why he heading my way?Oh crap. I quickly got my things, ignoring the tremendous pain travelling up my arm. I pushed myself of the seat about to move to another table.
Crap. Please go away Cole. I don't want you to see it. I don't want you to see me in my damaged form. I want you to see me as perfect and normal. "Do you want me to fix it?" He asks, looking very worried. It made me feel selfish. Like I was wasting his time. He has friends, he doesn't want to spend time with me."Just go away. It's fine." I say a little too curt, causing him to raise suspicion. "I don't think it is." He spits. My breath hitched. I noticed hurt and anger laced in his tone."Cole, just go! Please." I can feel my eyes start to burn and an uncomfortable lump in my throat forms. I need to get away from him. Sorry Cole.I grab my books and quickly run away, out of the classroom, ignoring my name being called by him. I run straight to the bathroom and put the same chair up against the door. Run, run, run. That is all I am good for. "Why did you run away?" The voice asked."I don't know." I replied knowing full well, that I ran because I was scared. Scared of him seeing me
Cole's P.O.V."This is Xavier." I say, turning around expectecting him to be there, but he isn't. Where did Xavier go?"Oh, he was here a second ago." My voice drifts away before Sarah interupts."Shh babe." I feel Sarah's finger on my lips. "It's okay. Now there is a party tonight at my place, everyone will be there, do you want to come?" She asks, blinking seductively. I usually become putty in her hand when she bats her eyes like that, but for some reason, it wasn't doing anything for me, not this time. This worried me, I'll have to admit."Please Cole..." She pleaded, while tracing shapes on my collar bone. This didn't work either, it used to, everytime, what is happening to me?