I arrived home and knocked on the door.
"Hello Xavier." My mother answered the door.
"Hi." I say as I walked in.
"Well, how was school? Did you settle in?" She asked.
I grab a chip packet and sit down at the table.
'Well I was intimidated by this guy named Shawn and then I kind of fell for this really cute boy with the most unique hair and engaging eyes, but I didn't make any friends, that was my day.'
But instead I said.
"It was fine."
"Oh okay, that's good. Your father said he will be coming home a bit late."
Silence filled the house. It was awkward at first, but I tried to zone out to ignore the awkwardness.
"I'm going to do homework now." I say, getting up and putting the chip packet in the bin.
"Okay, bye sweetheart."
I climb the stairs up to my room and close the door behind me. I let out a sigh I didn't know I was holding.
"What is the purpose of this?" I say. I look around my room. It's nothing. Just all materialistic things. I fall to the ground. All of these things I collect, for myself but no one else will ever see them. If that is so, then is there even a point?
"I want someone to love me for who I am."
'Your mother loves you."
"I know, she doesn't like me being gay though, so she doesn't love me for who I am."
"Yeah... sorry."
"It's okay... I just want someone I can be myself around, who will be there for me, who can handle me and my mind. You know?"
"Yeah."
"I feel lost. If I don't find anyone to do that with, what the fuck is all this for? Why am I writing for? Why do I draw if no one will ever fucking see it? What is my life for?" I cry. I cry so badly. It's true. No one cares. No one knows. The tears wet the side of my face and the floor which I am lying on. I try to cry silently, actually let me be honest with you, I cry silently with ease, why? Because I've done it so many times before. I shouldn't be able to cry like this. It should be hard to cry like this, but it isn't, because my life is fucked up. I am fucked up.
"Xavier?" The voice says.
"Yeah."
"The notes."
I rise from the floor. A curious feeling reveals itself in me, along with anger and sadness. I get my bag and pull out the notes.
Stay.
ILTT.
What is it supposed to mean?
"I don't know."
"It's probably an insult, let's be honest with ourselves."
"Xavier, you could be wrong, not everything is an insult."
"Well, in my life it is."
"I wish I could help." The voice says.
"Yeah... wait, you are me. What the fuck is happening? I just spent the last 10 minutes talking to you.. no me. Myself. Argh, kill me please."
"Well you've gotten used to it. Stick to the demon you know, yeah?"
"I guess."
I feel overwhelmed. All these problems are just piling up, I need to write. I get out my book to resume my poem.
"I need just one word... just one."
"Do you have any ideas?" I ask myself.
"Umm...no."
"Hmm..." I look around the room for inspiration. The red ink stands out to me.
Stay? Could that fit?
I want to run far, far away
To a place where I feel I can’t stray
Stay somewhere I feel welcome
And not like an outcast
Because it seems everywhere I go
I feel like a victim eaten up fast
For once I plead
Someone to ask me
Will you please... stay?'
And just like that, with the one word the poem completed itself, it became whole , it was finished, it's own living and breathing entity of words and letters and deep meaning.
"Wow, that's kind of spooky, don't you think?"
"I know. It fits perfectly. I've finished the poem. Because of that word. Thank you yellow sticky note. Oh wow I'm speechless."
"Well, someone obviously put it in there." The voice said.
"Yeah you are right. But who? And how? But no one even knows about my writings. No one knows I exist." I think about this. Something is wrong. How? Just how?
However, this is not only my creation now, this is also something I share with someone else.
"Xavier dinner time!" I heard my mother call.
I exit the room, the thought still on my mind.
"Hi honey, tonight we have steak." She put the plate on the table. It smelt wonderful. But I haven't been hungry since that night.
We sat in silence. Eating.
"Xavier, what your father said about your sexuality, don't think of it too much. It's not that much of a deal."
"It's not that much of a deal!? It's not even a deal at all mother. We shouldn't even be arguing about it in the first place. I should just be able to be myself in front of you guys but I can't fu- I can't do that! I feel like I'm being judged every step I take in this house. I hate it." I say. I couldn't keep it in any longer.
"Why don't you say that to my face son?" A deep voice from across the room booms, breaking my soul and confidence. I felt myself shrinking so small in my seat, so small I could disappear, and in this very moment, that is exactly what I wanted.
Oh fuck.
I immediately regret everything I just said. Waves of heat flush through me and fill up every space in my body."You feel like you are being judged?" My father put down his briefcase and stepped closer to the table.I felt overwhelmed. Like walls closing in on my tiny and immobilised body. I was trapped and just wanted to escape."Please don't do this, come on." My mother said."No!" he snaps his head to my mother, his eyes burning into hers. He slyly turns his head towards me.“He needs to know what is right and wrong.” Quietly, the words escaped from his mouth and pierced into my heart.What is right and wrong? What doesn't he understand? I'm fine the way I am. Aren't I?"Now, tell me what you were saying to your mother!" With each word he slammed his hand down on the table, causing me to flinch.Should I tell him?
'Beep, Beep, Beep'I wake up. I can't wait to go to school today, only because of the blue-haired boy. He's been on my mind since last night. He even haunted my dreams. His skin I crave, his soul too."Xavier! Let's go!" I heard my mother yell from downstairs.I feel a bit awkward around my family because of last's night bout. Like there is a screen hanging above my head showing my father screaming at me to everyone who sees.I was confused at her tone of voice. Why was she telling me to hurry up? I just got up."I have to go to work Xavier!"Work? She never has been to work since she had children. I stumble out of bed puzzled. Maybe if I get to school early, I might see the boy. I skip my shower and quickly get clothes on."Oh no." I wince as the sleeve of my shirt brushes on top of the cut. The pain reminds my lapse I had last night. A permanent reminder
"Who's he?" I asked, I blink as my eyes dart from my desk to the door in a nervous matter.I then scanned her face, she seemed scared almost. Who can scare a person this much? She was about to speak, but she looked at the door and quickly walked way.I looked at the entrance.The hair.It was him.He was in my psychology class.Oh fuck. How am I supposed to concentrate now?He walked towards me.Why was he coming towards me?Everyone looked scared. Some avoided him completely whilst others jumped from him to their desks, and others were just caught, like a deer in headlights.Was it him that sits here? Is that why he heading my way?Oh crap. I quickly got my things, ignoring the tremendous pain travelling up my arm. I pushed myself of the seat about to move to another table.
Crap. Please go away Cole. I don't want you to see it. I don't want you to see me in my damaged form. I want you to see me as perfect and normal. "Do you want me to fix it?" He asks, looking very worried. It made me feel selfish. Like I was wasting his time. He has friends, he doesn't want to spend time with me."Just go away. It's fine." I say a little too curt, causing him to raise suspicion. "I don't think it is." He spits. My breath hitched. I noticed hurt and anger laced in his tone."Cole, just go! Please." I can feel my eyes start to burn and an uncomfortable lump in my throat forms. I need to get away from him. Sorry Cole.I grab my books and quickly run away, out of the classroom, ignoring my name being called by him. I run straight to the bathroom and put the same chair up against the door. Run, run, run. That is all I am good for. "Why did you run away?" The voice asked."I don't know." I replied knowing full well, that I ran because I was scared. Scared of him seeing me
Cole's P.O.V."This is Xavier." I say, turning around expectecting him to be there, but he isn't. Where did Xavier go?"Oh, he was here a second ago." My voice drifts away before Sarah interupts."Shh babe." I feel Sarah's finger on my lips. "It's okay. Now there is a party tonight at my place, everyone will be there, do you want to come?" She asks, blinking seductively. I usually become putty in her hand when she bats her eyes like that, but for some reason, it wasn't doing anything for me, not this time. This worried me, I'll have to admit."Please Cole..." She pleaded, while tracing shapes on my collar bone. This didn't work either, it used to, everytime, what is happening to me?
Cole's P.O.V.I know I'm late for my next class, but that doesn't bother me anymore. I'm usually late, so I'm sure the teachers don't mind. I go to my locker and get my things. A feel a heavy hand on my shoulder. I look and see Shawn and the gang."Hey Shawn." I say. He didn't look to pleased though."Where's the knife?" He asked bluntly."What knife?" I reply looking at the others for some kind of support."Oh come on Cole, I trusted you. Travis said he gave you the knife."I stood there confused, but irritated. I cast my glance at Travis to hear his input. But he didn't say anything. I could feel my temper risi
Xavier's P.O.V.Last session was hell. All I could think about was his girlfriend. I'm a mess. Why am I even obsessing over him? He clearly doesn't want anything to do with me. He already has a lover, what am I to him? I can't be his friend, because he is already friends with Shawn, and Shawn hates me. Even if we were to become friends, my selfish self would want more, I'd want to be his boyfriend, but he wouldn't want that.The bell rang, I got up from my seat and went to my locker.6221There were no yellow sticky notes. I still need find out about the previous ones. I grab my bag and quickly exit the school. I look up and see that the sky is grey.
Xavier's P.O.V."Please!" He begs, once more."Why?" I yell feeling frustrated and confused. All my emotions swirled inside of me, banging on the inside of my body, screaming for escape."Because I don't want you getting wet!" His tone laced with concern. Silence consumed us before a rush of emotion imploded within me."Why are you being so nice to me?!" I scream, feeling almost defensive. My heart was racing a million miles per hour whilst the rain battered down on the both of us. Cole ran up to me."Because, I li- I don't want you getting sick. Your parents will worry."That triggered me off. My emotions couldn't hold steady any longer. It almost felt like my being was ravished by my intense emotions. Some have been trapped in their for a while, I'd imagine they would look rotten and hor