“Hey Russki. Can’t sleep?”
Damn.
I turned from where I’d been scavenging in my refrigerator to find Brody rubbing her eyes groggily. The white and grey baseball style shirt she wore rode up a little bit as she approached me in a state of mild confusion. I clutched my prize, a leftover baked potato from last night’s dinner in my hand, and closed the door softly. Once again, we were bathed in darkness.
“I’m not tired. Smoke?” I brought my closed index and middle fingers to my lips to further illustrate the question. Brody nodded and stepped aside so I could lead us to the small back patio. I love hand signals. They help out so much.
“Use mine.” Brody shoved a pack of Marlboro Red cigarettes into my free hand and flicked the patio light on. Francine can’t stand my smoking habit, and we’ve argued many times over it. I started young, at thirteen years old, and have never found the emotional strength to quit. I keep telling myself one day I’ll just put them down, but today isn’t the day.
Given all the craziness happening lately, the rest of the year isn’t looking good either.
I sat my cold potato on the white plastic chair beside me and lit up. That first taste of nicotine regulated my breathing, and I blew a ring over my shoulder. I’m so used to it I hardly even cough anymore. Brody eased into her seat, spreading her long legs out and motioning for the pack of smokes. I tossed them over and studied her profile as she eagerly dug in to the package. She was a striking woman in every sense. Her features were exaggerated, and I envied her height most of all. I’m not used to feeling self conscience, but Brody made me feel much smaller than I already am and not nearly as beautiful. She’s loud, and outgoing. The first to crack jokes and always making light of poor circumstances. I found her obnoxious at first, but despite our differences I’ve enjoyed being in her company overall. I heard about Francine passing out in public the day I tried to leave her, and how Brody was by her side through everything even though they hardly knew each other at the time. She’s a good person to have in your corner when you need her.
“Are you ok?” She caught me staring into space, and I shook my head at the concrete beneath us. I wasn’t alright, and there wasn’t any use in lying. My friends always knew when something was off with me. I didn’t know enough English to tell her what happened with my mom though, and I’d been sworn to secrecy by Olivia to not utter a word about Charlotte’s betrayal. In this case, I bit my lip and took another drag. The bright orange embers kept me mesmerized, and I was almost able to ignore Brody’s questioning gaze.
“What happened? You know you can tell me anything dude. We’re friends after all.” Her voice was kind. Trusting my gut instinct, I decided I’d give it a try. The worst that could happen is I wouldn’t be understood, and I was used to that.
“It’s fucked. My situation.” I glanced up to see if Brody was following along. She leaned forward, and I scrambled to put my thoughts into intelligible English sentences. “Mom...in Russia. I never knew her. She...left me alone. Now she wants to see me.” I started getting emotional again, and I stopped myself from saying anything else. Every time I talk about this, I sink to the bottom of my mind with grief. It was almost two in the morning by the time I finally stopped crying, and as exhausted as my body had been, I couldn’t will myself to fall asleep beside Francine. My growling stomach brought me to the fridge, and that’s when Brody appeared in the kitchen. It seems like I’d just gotten a chance to forget about Evgeniya, and here I was confronted with what to do about my circumstance yet again.
“Do you want to see her?” Brody crushed her cigarette in the stained glass ashtray by her feet and regarded me with a sympathetic expression. I frowned, hoping I conveyed what I was feeling in my heart.
Pure, unrelenting hatred.
“No.” Came my simple reply. “I don’t need her...” I willed myself to look unaffected. Francine always says if I tried my hand at poker, I’d lose everything we own with my bright red ears. I felt them now, and knew there was no way in hell Brody believed me.
“I get it, but...it might be a good thing to go see your mom.” Had I been talking with Olivia, she might have nodded in understanding. Charlotte probably would have embraced me tightly. I know Liza would have offered gentle words of encouragement, and Francine supported me no matter what I decided to do or how I felt about something. But the fact is of all people, I was talking to Brody, and Brody spoke her mind constantly. I couldn’t be angry, but she didn’t understand. I shrugged indifferently.
“I’m going next month. For my dad, not her.” It was a decision I hoped I wouldn’t regret. I paused for a second to lick my lips. “How’s Liza? And you...you’re nervous?” I was referring to her upcoming mission in the military. I didn’t have a chance to ask her privately, and wanted to know if she needed to talk about it. Any of it.
“Oh yeah, that.” Brody scoffed and crossed her arms, looking away. I blushed and quickly stared at my hands. I wondered if I said something to make her angry. A few minutes passed between us before she spoke again.
“I love America. I’m proud to be apart of the Navy...but I finally found something worth staying in town for.” I could tell by the sparkle in her hazel eyes she meant Liza, and I felt my lips curve into a smile. They were perfect together. Two very headstrong people who loved each other passionately and deeply. I didn’t know what Brody’s life was like before they met, and maybe that was for the best. Sometimes the happiest people are running from some dark shit. “I’d never turn away from my crew, or my country...but I hate that I have to leave Liza here.” She sounded stressed, and sad. I wanted to console her but I wasn’t sure how. Not wanting to remain silent, I took one final puff from my cigarette and nodded grimly.
“I understand.” Those two words meant more than anything else I could have said, and I think Brody sensed it as we rose to go back inside because she reached over and squeezed my arm. Just as I was shutting the sliding door behind us, I heard my bedroom door creak open.
“Mmm....Vasilisa?” Francine mumbled drowsily. She emerged wearing one of my plain white tee shirts and a tiny pair of black satin shorts. Brody made her way back to Liza, who was stirring in her sleep on our couch and I showed my girlfriend the long forgotten potato I intended to devour twenty minutes ago.
“I got hungry.” I purposely didn’t mention the smoking in case she was in a grouchy mood.
She stared at the shriveled morsel, then cocked a skeptical eyebrow. “Looks delicious. I’ll bet you’re dying to eat it.” Sarcasm looked good on her, but now wasn’t the time to point that out. I knew she smelled the smoke on us.
“I asked her to come out back with me, France. She totally was planning on eating that potato just so you know.” Brody dishonestly vouched for me quietly with a snicker.
Francine shook her head like she usually did at anything Brody had to say, and grabbed my wrist gently. “Come on, detka. I was worried about you.”
I kissed her cheek fondly and offered her a tender smile. “I know bunny, I’m ok, see?”
“Thank God. Let’s go back to bed, Vash.” My girlfriend relented, and pulled me into our bedroom yawning.
“Goodnight, Brody.” I turned around, and watched our friend nod at us before settling in beside Liza to stroke her curly red hair. I hoped she’d be able to rest her mind enough to fall back asleep.
********************
I tossed and turned for another half hour, but couldn’t get comfortable. Francine tried rubbing my back because it usually helps, but it only made me more restless. At one point, I forced myself to eat the potato I’d retrieved from the refrigerator an hour ago and curled into a ball on my side of our large bed. Weight shifted beside me, and then I felt a hand shake my shoulder halfheartedly.
“Detka? Talk to me, please...” Francine’s voice was hoarse, and it alarmed me. I turned to face her as she began to cry. “I couldn’t take your pain away...I’m always able to make everything better...but I can’t this time and it’s killing me.” She looked so tired, and it broke my heart. I know I’d been closed off, it was just so much to deal with at once. I sat up to hold her against my chest and rocked back and forth, just like she did for me in the kitchen only hours before.
“My favorite, it’s not your job to fix me. Don’t cry, don’t cry.” Francine’s fragile arms wrapped around my neck and she buried her face into my shoulder. I waited until her sobs faded into sniffling, and I continued.
“Early next month, I’m going back to Siberia for a week. My mom doesn’t approve of our relationship. For your safety, I need you to remain here, detka. Don’t worry, I’m staying with my dad. I thought about this constantly and decided I need to talk to Evgeniya in person. None of this makes sense. I need to understand everything, for the sake of my father.” I stopped rocking, and my beloved’s bewildered brown eyes blinked back tears.
“When are you leaving exactly? What dates? I want to come too, I’ll ask for the time off.” Her determination was endearing, but I couldn’t allow it. If anyone suspected something romantic was happening between us, she could get hurt. With my mother knowing everything now, I refused to risk it. I’d never forgive myself if a single hair on my girlfriend’s head was harmed.
“You were right, Francine. Russia is a dangerous country for gay people...trust me when I tell you I must go alone. Please. I’m not trying to shut you out.” I kissed the top of her head roughly, and she tightened her hold on my neck. She didn’t like my answer, but I knew she understood. It was for that very reason we were living in America together now.
“I love you, little bat.” Her voice quivered, and I laid her against our pillows, kissing and nibbling the lips of my whole wide world. Her nearly blonde hair fanned out around us, creating an almost gold sheen. “I support you...I’ve told you that. Just be safe. That’s all I ask.” I’ve read about unconditional love before. I’ve watched films about it, listened to countless love songs in which the artist confessed their endless affections for their beloved. I dreamed of it for myself, but never once dared to believe I deserved it. Because of Francine, I knew how warm it felt now. For all her nagging, complaining, whining and micromanaging, I knew it was done out of love. I realized the moment she broke down all because she couldn’t silence my tears earlier that Francine’s love knew no boundaries.
I stared into my girlfriend’s eyes, silently giving her my word that everything would be fine. “Of course, detka.” I stroked her hair until she succumbed to the sensation, and at long last we both found comfort in each other’s embrace long enough to let sleep consume us.
Two weeks laterA couple of weeks passed us by faster than anything I’ve ever seen. Regaining entry into Russia was easier than I thought, and I purchased my ticket post haste. I began preparing myself for the questions any officials were bound to ask me. They’d see my Asylum Visa and probably figure out my business in the United States pretty fast. One thing I’ll always be grateful to my time on the streets is this; It taught me the ability to act tough even when I’m shaking on the inside. I’ve had to defend everything I owned and believed in my entire life, it was second nature to me at this point.“Detka, did you want to bring an extra pair of boots?” Francine was helping me pack, and we already filled two large suitcases with enough clothing to last a month at least. The thing is, I need options. Style is very important to me, I can’t wear the same thing twice during my trip. I’ve notic
“Here? You’re sure about-““I just need to get it over with, Vasha.”I watched helplessly as Olivia wrote a furious text to who I’m assuming was Charlotte when Brody suddenly appeared beside us in our secluded corner. Her brow was furrowed with worry, and I sat up straight.“Charlotte’s here....I didn’t tell her to leave, but you have to get this shit under wraps-““I’m not the type to start a scene and you know it, Nicole.” Olivia hissed, clearly on edge. What’s more, she used Brody’s legal name. I sensed a heated exchange coming on and quickly went to stand between them.“Easy.” I coaxed, eyeing them both sternly. Brody took a step forward, narrowing her light hazel eyes at Olivia. Becoming eye level with her chest made me back away slightly.“I know you’re having a tough time right now, but this is my going away party. You&rsq
Goodbyes have always been difficult for me. The sad truth is even if it’s only temporary, a million things could happen before we have the chance to be reunited with our loved ones again. I’d prefer to stay in one spot, or travel cautiously with Francine. In fact, I’d never ventured outside of Russia before meeting my American life partner on that queer website almost two years ago. I always hoped Russia would accept gay rights in my lifetime, but it was a foolish wish. After living so freely in the United States, it angered me to have to return to the shadows temporarily. I found it strangely ironic how I was going back to Siberia now for answers I wasn’t sure I really wanted...but I suppose the unknown scares me more than goodbyes, or temporary loss of total freedom.I reminded Francine of that as she cried in my arms late last night, and again before kissing her sleepy expression on my way out to the taxi cab. She offered to take me to the airport,
Liza’s Point of View:The way Francine was looking at me just made things worse. Of course she was confused, because I didn’t tell her what happened after Brody and I went back to my apartment last night. Dropping a bomb like “hey, someone just broke up with me” isn’t something you can just sweep under the rug though, so like it or not I had to give her the full details.And trust me, I didn’t like it. I just didn’t know where else to go."Come inside, dude.” Francine wrapped the thin white robe she was wearing around herself and ushered me in before closing the door behind us. “Tea or coffee. Which do you prefer?” I watched her pad toward the kitchen sleepily and took a seat on one of her barstools.“Got any vanilla creamer?” She knew it was my favorite.“You’re in luck, because I just stocked up a few days ago.” Fr
The exchange seemed forced. From where I was standing, it looked like my dad was hesitantly offering Evgeniya a seat next to him. She slid into the booth, and then their eyes traveled to my direction. I clenched my jaw, feeling the same lead sensation in my legs as I did at Sky Harbor airport.Why did I do this? What a mistake! I debated running for my life out of that damn restaurant, but my father was suddenly beside me before I could regain the feeling in my lower extremities. Sensing my infuriating aura, he took a step forward to speak lowly.“Before you say anything, I didn’t know she was coming Vasha.” His expression was gentle. I narrowed my eyes at him, and stared into the same exact one’s I had to determine if he was lying. “I swear to you, Vasilisa. She’s here picking up supper for...” He faltered for a second, then shook his head with a scoff. “Anyway, while she’s here for a few min
“Dinner was pleasant?” My dad asked mildly as we entered his spacious home just over an hour later. After my luggage had been brought in, we were standing in the foyer when he spoke the words. I removed my boots and shuddered. My blood must have really thinned during my time living in Arizona. I couldn’t handle the harsh Siberian climate any longer.How was I ever homeless in this city!? It’s so hard to believe. “I could not finish it.” I reminded him dryly, rubbing my thin arms for warmth. “Nerves. Too much going on here.” I tapped my temple, and dad smiled with understanding. He didn’t say much as I pushed my mushroom soup around with the spoon, and we had it boxed up so I could have it for later. Once Evgeniya left and I’d hung up with Francine, my mind began working at the rate of a hundred miles per minute. Eating suddenly seemed inconvenient. “Yes well, it’s waiting
"What are you doing back here, in Russia?" With a perfectly red manicured hand, Olya took a long drink from her margarita and raked over my frame with her darkened amber eyes."It's a long story, really." I replied tightly, looking off to the side. The last exchange I had with my EX girlfriend, Olya Frolova, was a disaster. Closing my eyes, I can picture the scene as if it happened just yesterday.********************A year and two months ago“Vasha? Get up, it’s closing time.” A well known female voice urged out of nowhere.“Ngghhhhh, no. Go away, Olya.” I groaned, too dizzy to slide off the bar stool. I heard shouting not far from me, but I couldn’t be bothered enough to even lift my head. The table underneath me ceased to feel cool and all I wanted was another drink. It was always another damn drink. "I need one more..." I attempted to ask, but the words were muffled since m
Francine’s Point of View:Whistling wind howled and blew all around me, and I squinted in confusion. This definitely wasn’t my bed.Wait, why am I outside!? I halfheartedly attempted to find my bearings, but the thundering sky’s intermittent crashing made my heart leap every time I tried focusing on any one detail. My feet suddenly felt very heavy, and it didn’t take long to realize I couldn’t move them. A drastic drop began pulling me downward, and I shrieked with fear.I’m sinking....“VASHA!” I twisted my body all around, screaming my girlfriend’s name. The vast echoing made me feel more alone than I already was, and I fought like hell to free myself. A sandstorm swept a thick sheet of dust into my eyes, but I kept thrashing like my life depended on it. The substance swallowing me whole reached my thighs, and I gasped in dis
Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to read “Our Blank Canvas.” ’s point of view, as she navigated through the difficulties of exploring her past as well as trying to move on in an entirely new Country. Additionally, I wanted to include the points of view of my supporting cast for various reasons. Each character has their own unique battle, and I felt it was necessary to allow them the chance to tell their story too. I began writing this novel after I completed “Our Young Funny Voices” June of 2019. I’ve completed it March of 2020. I’ve had an absolute blast writing it— but I’ve also cried and laughed along the way. I hope I’ve provided you with an enjoyable reading experience, despite the tough times my characters have endured. In the event you or someone you know is going through ANY mental illness/addiction/gender identity crisis ECT feel free to take a moment to read about each resource, and the character attached to
For once, we all seemed to sleep peacefully throughout the night. I don’t even remember going to bed, but I know it wasn’t until a handful of hours ago. Even still, nobody grumbled the next morning when my phone’s alarm went off at 6:30 A.M. I was the first to rise, and I placed my hand on Francine’s bare shoulder as I kissed the nape of her neck passionately to stir her.“It’s time to get up, detka.”“Mmmmm...” She curled into me for a moment, inhaling the sensuous mixture of our friend’s scents on my skin before sitting up to stretch. ”Okaaaaayyyy...”“Morning already?Shit.” Nicole bolted upright with a yawn, rubbing the sleep out of her bleary hazel eyes with an upturned palm. I blushed at the sight of her pierced nipples,
Three months later“Did we remember everything?” Francine hastily asked over her shoulder as I ushered the two of us into the hotel room I rented for all of our friends to enjoy as a group. We made sure to get the largest variety, with two large king sized beds and a spacious kitchen area. Pride is tomorrow, and we all wanted to stay right by where the Parade was being held in downtown Phoenix. Since the room is in my name, Francine and I were the first ones to arrive. Olivia and Charlotte have yet to get off from work, Liza was up North visiting her mother and children and just got back into town, and Brody let us know she had been waiting for her girlfriend so they could get ready and come to the hotel together.“If not, we’ll go back out. Hurry detka, before the ice freezes my arms into useless popsicle sticks.” I’d been balancing two large bags of convenience store bought c
The next morningBy my calculations, it took us about twenty minutes to drive to Cactus Front, the inpatient eating disorder clinic Francine was checking into. Liza took us, and she seemed very quiet. All of us were in fact. My girlfriend was staring out of the window at the Aztec style building as she took deep breaths. Her nervousness depressed me, and I wished I could take everything she was going through and bring it on to deal with myself. I couldn’t stand seeing the woman I loved in such distress.“Lyubimyy?” I touched Francine’s forearm with my fingertips, knowing how she loved being called my favorite. “Let’s walk inside. Ok? I’ll grab your bags. Touch nothing.” My girlfriend deflated in response and I had to get out of the car right then. I couldn’t bear to look anymore.“Dude, are you ok?” I heard Liza ask softly as I slammed the door and went to the trunk. I in
Nicole (Brody’s) Point of View:The invitation to accompany me to my best friend’s apartment was an open one, but I think the way I was staring right at Liza got the hidden message across to everyone else.Aside from maybe my very sick friend Francine, she was the only one who knew how to calm me down. There’s no way Vasha would let her girlfriend come along anyway though. This was the last night they’d have together before Francine checked herself into treatment, which I got. Totally. I felt pretty bad about losing my temper in their home, but I couldn’t help but fume over this whole damn evening. You’d think the strict upbringing I had combined with several years in the Military would have done something for my trash anger problem, but it hasn’t really. Especially not when my friends get hurt.When
“...Let her sleep, I’ll see Vasha when she wakes up.” Brody’s deep voice must have been in my dreams, because she’s not in Arizona right now. As I struggled with that in between stage of consciousnesses, I heard Francine’s clear voice respond.“I thought I heard her moving around, give me a second.”I blinked in confusion at the blank space beside me. Wasn’t Olivia taking a nap with me? I was so deliriously tired I had no idea what was going on. As I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, I groaned softly and sat up. A moment later, Francine entered our room quietly and smiled warmly at me. Even in my sleepy state, I grinned back and closed my lids. I missed my girlfriend so much, even just seeing her beautiful face brought me unbridled joy. As Francine lost weight, her appearance changed a bit but she couldn’t ever look like anyone other than the woman I loved. Her body would always be familiar, and I neve
Francine’s Point of View:“Do you think a month will be long enough?” Liza asked in a skeptical tone as we left Joey’s briskly. Dinner rush was in full swing, and I didn’t want to take up any more of my boss’s time than I already did.“Yeah. I couldn’t ask for anything extra, Joe is already pretty strapped.” I admitted, waiting for Liza to unlock her newish yellow volkswagon Beetle. “Honestly I’m grateful to even get that.”I could now add having to involve my professional life into things my eating disorder has forced me to do. Liza being the amazing friend that she is made Joey aware of what happened the night I fainted, and was sure to update him day by day. I was terrified that I’d lose my job before coming down to talk to him, but he was super cool about the whole thing. He’d shifted a few things around schedule wise, and approved my requested month
Charlotte’s Point of View:“Are you really happy here, Charlotte? Stop bullshitting me. I can see right through you.” Andee’s hazel eyes flashed doubtfully as she took a swig of Coca Cola. Sitting across the booth from my EX was a surreal experience, and I blinked blankly at her. It was as if we were just meeting up for a quick bite after work, instead of what was really happening; An attempt to make me question my own happiness in Arizona. I chose to focus on her disapproving facial expression instead of how the see-through material of the white tee-shirt she was wearing made her pink nipples visible.Nice to see her small breasts were still perky and alert, I guess. Her effortlessly sexy style wasn’t lost on me, and I hated myself for my obvious attraction to it.Andee noticed how uncomfortable I was becoming and grinned slyly, like a mischievous kitten. Leaning backwards, she rested an
Charlotte’s Point of View:Every part of me knew what a moronic decision this was, but I was going through with it anyway. I needed to know what Andee had to say that was so important, she couldn’t have just called me from Savannah. Paranoia gripped me as I looked back over my shoulder at Banner hospital once I made it halfway into the parking lot.Nobody followed me, thank GOD. After quickly slipping into my car, I gripped the leather steering wheel and closed my eyes guiltily.Text back. Say you changed your mind, go back in there with Olivia...that’s who you belong to. Andee is manipulating you- doesn’t your dumbass remember what happened!? What are you DOING!? That tiny voice in my head got so loud, I could hardly hear myself think. My eyes raked over the egg shell colored medical establishment before I abruptly started the ignition with a sharp