3. Forty- six

I was looking down on Ethan's dead body and I could feel a hollowness inside trying to split me apart. My brain couldn't process the fact that I wouldn't ever hear him talk again, he wouldn't be protecting me anymore. It was only a few days ago that I had talked to him and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I couldn't even remember the last thing that I said to him and all I wanted to right now was cry my eyes out. I couldn't seem to grasp the whole reality even though some part of my brain acknowledged what had happened. 

I felt my legs shake and I knew I was going to hit the ground very soon but before I could race myself for impact, strong arms took hold of me and I instantly realized that Harper's scent invaded my senses. Even though I knew that I had suffered a terrible loss, I couldn't exactly comprehend the magnitude of the situation. My brain was still processing and processing but my body was reeling from the emotional trauma and slowly becoming numb. I was sure that if Harper hadn't had the foresight to hold me, I would have tumbled to the ground. 

Apart from feeling everything and nothing at all, I wanted to cry too. It was as if my body recognized that I needed to cry and even though I could barely stand, my shoulders were shaking and tears were pouring down my cheeks in rivulets. I turned my eyes away from the stretcher on which Ethan's body lay and buried my head in Harper's neck. He squeezed my body and I wound my arms tightly around him. His warmth and scent comforted me. It had been so long since he had held me like this, so long since we had been this close to each other and some part of me wanted to be with him and never let go. 

"I've got you", Harper smoothed a hand down my hair and I clutched his shirt in my hand, needing to be as close to him as possible in a desperate way to find some comfort. 

"Take me away, please. Take me away from here," I choked on a sob and whispered the words so softly that for a second I doubted he even heard me. One of his hands swept under my knees and I tightened my arms around his neck. I clung to him tightly and closed my eyes tightly, not wanting to see Ethan's body again. I didn't want to see anyone right now so I just buried my neck and felt Harper climb up the stairs of the packhouse. 

I instantly knew Harper would take me to the only place in the packhouse where I would have full privacy, the alpha suite Harper had just acquired after becoming the alpha of the pack. My tears had stopped after the first few minutes of shock and I could hardly feel anything at the moment. I could still feel the movement of Harper's muscles as he walked and the movement had such a soothing quality to it that I dozed off for a few seconds from the shock and mental exhaustion. Harper deposited me on his bed and his overwhelming scent surrounded me which instantly calmed me down by several notches. 

I clutched tightly onto Harper's arms when he moved to leave me on the bed. His movements halted when I stared into his eyes and without a word, he slid into the bed beside me. He laid the comforter over us and I snuggled into him for additional arms. Without another word, he engulfed me in his arms and I settled against his body. His body heat warmed me and the way our bodies fit together brought a strange sense of peace into the core of my being. 

I wanted to thank Harper at the moment, for being this understanding, for staying here with me, for being the only reason I wasn't falling apart right now, but I couldn't find the words to do that. I couldn't even find the strength to string alphabets into words and words into sentences. So, I did the only thing I could think of at the moment, a tiny gesture to show my gratitude. I wound my arms tighter around Harper's body and I planted a soft butterfly kiss on his neck. I felt a soft shiver pass through his body and if I hadn't been so emotionally spent right now, I'm sure I would have smiled right then. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was Harper planting a soft butterfly kiss on my forehead and his voice ringing in my head, telling me that he was here for me. 

***

Before I even opened my eyes, I knew that I wasn't in Harper's arms anymore. I could feel the soft brush of grass blades underneath my body and I could hear the soft traces of a waterfall in the distance. I didn't need to open my eyes to know that the whole forested area would be diffused by the soft moonlight of the overly large full moon hanging in the night sky and that the cliff where I was at the moment, overlooked a great expanse of forest. It took an insane amount of energy just to open my eyes and I didn't know if it was because I was emotionally exhausted or because I was so angry that I was here right now. 

I opened my eyes with as much reluctance and anticipation because I had an inkling that I would perhaps get some answers right now. Lately, the moon goddess had been forthcoming and instead of confusing me with riddles, she was being most generous and giving me straight-out answers. I wondered if I was here right now because she wanted to talk to me about Ethan. After all, I knew I did. 

I hesitantly opened my eyes and gazed at the star-studded sky above me for a few minutes. I wanted to get up but I felt so numb and lost as if nothing else mattered anymore. 

"Are you going to just lay there the whole time or ask me the questions you want to know right now?" The soothing voice of the goddess assaulted my ears and I had never felt it more grating than I did right now. The moon goddess was the goddess of the wolves, wasn't she? Then she must know why Ethan was dead right now.

Slowly, very slowly, I got up from the very comfortable grass, every joint of my body screaming in protest. It was as if even my body recognized the need to not mood and grieve for the friend that I had lost. I turned around to find the goddess looking flawless as ever, perched graciously on the stone boulder inches away from the drop of the cliff. She had a calm expression on her face as if nothing unusual had occurred while I was still reeling from the after-effect of the devastation caused by the battle between the Harper's pack and the rogues. 

"Why did you do it?" I questioned feebly, my voice coming out tired and hoarse as if I had been crying continuously for hours. 

"Because it was best for everyone involved," she said smoothly and I felt a wave of fury overcome me. 

"Best for everyone or best for you?" I seethed and took a few steps in her direction and imagined how I wanted to tear apart her hair and make her rattled. 

"It is even best for you, even though you can't see it right now," she added serenely.

"Best for me? How do you know what's best for me? He was my friend and you took him away from me. Why, why would you do that?" My voice broke on a sob and I struggled to maintain my composure in front of her. 

"Do you know what a mate means to a werewolf, Zara?" The goddess questioned me and I found myself stumbling over words at her sudden change of direction. "A mate means everything to a werewolf. A mate is the reason a werewolf wants to live because he wants to be with them and create a life with them. Both parts of their person, the wolf, and the human attached to their mates in a very intimate manner. Their mates become the reason they want to live as soon as they find them and this interdependence only grows stronger with every passing day. Soon, their identities become so intertwined that they lose all hope of living once their mates leave them." I listened to the moon goddess recite the words she had recited so many times before, about how much werewolves valued their mates and how their priorities were altered once they encountered their mates for the first time. 

"Even though I have told you all this before, I must tell you this again because I want you to understand the kind of pain Ethan had gone through when he lost his mate. If you don't understand that, you won't be able to understand a fundamental part of him. The pain you felt when you came to know Harper and Natalie was pregnant was nothing compared to the pain he felt when his mate died. I'm not saying that your feelings were inconsequential but I want you to understand that Ethan pretty much lost his will to live. He had no reason left to live; he had no purpose in life and that is exactly why his little brother became the alpha even though Ethan was the scroll keeper." 

"You could try but you can't possibly imagine how lost he must have been, how haunted his wolf must have felt when he realized that he doesn't have a mate anymore. So, like you, he fled his hometown to get a hold of his bearings because he hoped that he could create a life without his mate even though a part of him knew that it wasn't possible."

"What do you mean it wasn't possible? He was living a perfectly normal life when I met him! He had a girlfriend and he had good grades in all of his classes."

"Yes, but was he happy?" I opened my mouth at once to answer her but no sound came from my throat because to be honest, I didn't know the answer to that. Ethan looked alright to me. I never particularly wondered if he was having suicidal thoughts because he looked so well put. He looked so strong and I thought him a force to be reckoned with. 

"I thought he was happy with me," I whispered in the air helplessly and looked at the goddess, hoping that she would tell me the truth. 

"Yes, he was." The goddess confirmed and I suddenly felt slightly lighter. I was glad that I could make him happy. "You gave him something he lacked. You gave him and his wolf a purpose. When he came to know that he was to be your batair, he had a purpose in life, he had a mission to protect you. That's why he was so attracted to you, because you gave him something he didn't have before, a will to live. That's why his wolf formed a connection with you which led to both of you developing feelings over each other."

"What?" I whispered. I had thought whatever feelings Ethan and I had for each other stemmed because we were attracted to each other and these feelings were intensified because he was my batair. To know that Ethan considered me as a task produced an unwanted feeling inside me. 

"What I am trying to say is, the moment you chose you wanted to work things out with Harper, you stopped needing Ethan's protection. He stopped having a purpose and even though he would have near taken his life, he would also have never been happy either. So, I gave him what he wanted; freedom. Freedom from life he and his wolf wanted to escape but were too proud to escape."

"you’re saying he wanted this? That Ethan wanted to die?"

"No, I'm saying that he preferred it." The moon goddess added and I had no idea what the difference was. "I need you to understand why he died. I need you to understand that he is happy wherever he is. Lastly, I need you to understand that with time, it would be okay for you to let go of him."

It was so easy for her to say but I knew letting go of Ethan would be a very slow and painful process. I felt my eyes prick and tears gathered in the corner of my eyes.