Blaming Myself

Sam stopped from typing in her keyboard as she felt a stabbing pain in her chest. She slouched all the time, and that twisted pain came from her sitting position. Sam leaned on the swiveling chair, checking her teammates, and they’re still working. She stretched the back of her neck, tilting it on both sides, and closing her eyes for a moment, tired. 

The telephone in her desk rang, and it bewildered her. Who would call her in the middle of her last-hour shift? Sam picked it up, and placed it on her ears. Her officemates have gone back to typing, and she wrote something in her clipboard. 

“Hello, this is Ms. Samantha Lee. What can I do for you?”

…

She ran in the hallway. It has been two hours that passed after Zach got delivered to the ambulance. His car accident notified her right away through a phone call 10 minutes ago. Sam left the office without saying goodbye, reached her speed limit, drove the car away even if it’s red light, and here she was. Sam couldn’t find him. 

Turning to the emergency doors, she went inside. A lot of people were inside. Blood trails smeared on the floor, and the medical workers scrambled in the emergency karts. It was such a mess, but they know what they’re doing. Sam came up in the information area, asked about Zachary Gonzales, and they pointed at the last hospital bed. 

Sam ran, looking at the closed curtains, and puffed her cheeks. She doesn’t have the right to open it unless the doctors were done reviving him. The blood trickling down on a stretcher earlier came from Zach. She covered her mouth. Her lips trembled, and it sent chills down her spine. Sam took a step back, shaking her head repeatedly, and thought of the words coming out of her lips back then. 

“Let’s live like this forever.”

“Yes. It’s the first time I bought a house, and it has become special with you.”

“Let’s part ways. I think I’m going to take out my things starting next week. Just sleep with her so you don’t get scared.” 

“You don’t have to ask me about how I’ve been doing, how my day has been, or if I have been in a rough time. Everything is gone between us, Zach, let’s face it. Nothing will be the same again.” 

A lot of them… hurt him. Sam’s tears fell down upon her cheeks, and she covered her mouth. Running towards the exit of the emergency door, she stayed in the middle. Landing her blurry eyes on the floor, she cried. Sam couldn’t stay on her feet, slumping, and couldn’t recover that early. 

She screamed at the top of her lungs. Sam shook her head, the pain consuming her. This is all a dream, wasn’t it? How can the man she love for a decade be there, suffering from the aftermath of a car accident? No one even knew if he’d stay longer. Sam clasped his jeans, but there was nothing to grasp. It felt so empty. Sam turned to the empty hallway, and wept. 

… 

“Is it true? I’m going there.” Sam heard Ethan’s voice rushing down the stairs to his car. He hung up the line quickly as she take a seat down in the entrance of the emergency room. Zach has been there for about three hours at most. She’s been waiting for an hour, but still, no Stacy or his parents came. Why should be the one the first one to come here? She’s an ex-lover. 

Sam thought of herself, too. Why did she come here if she doesn’t care about Zach anymore? Sam knew it’s not about love anymore. It’s about that person that won’t leave your mind every single night, resisting her eyes from falling asleep. Sam leaned the back of her head on the wall, stared at nowhere, and began to think. 

… 

1 year ago. 

That very topic of cheating and separation came in their conversation. At least, it was. When Sam prepared some dinner for them after work, Zach was delighted. They chinked their spoons together and started eating. As they stuffed themselves in silence, Zach looked up at her, asking, “What if one of us cheated?” 

Sam stopped from scooping up some rice, and turned to him. 

“Why are you asking that kind of question? Are you cheating?” 

“No, I was just… slimming down the possibilities of us together, Sam.” 

“Why are you talking like that when it’s our 9th year? Are you still in doubt of our relationship?” Sam asked. She placed down the fork gently, pursing her lips, and waited for Zach’s answer. He sighed, beaming a little, and reached out to her hands. She let him hold it on. 

“No, Sam. I’m just… you know, time is changing. Every second, we change. We just don’t know when or where at our time of our lives we change. It was unexpected.” 

“Well, if you can fight the urge to look at another woman, and if you have a strong sense, you wouldn’t commit it at all. It’s going to be tough, yes, but as long as we trust on each other’s faithfulness, nothing will happen. You know, Zach, it’s not about change,” she shrugged. Looking at his eyes, she smirked. Zach was serious, and Sam didn’t even pay attention to it. He’s worried about the future to come. Sam just had to array that worry. 

“It’s about the person who stayed at your side while you’re changing.” Zach got taken aback by her words. She tapped his hand, goes back to eating, and dipped her churros at the chocolate fudge. Zach cleared his throat. His lovely eyes couldn’t back down, but Sam wouldn’t mind. 

She loves Zach’s stares. 

… 

Footsteps rustled in the hallway as Sam wiped her wet cheeks. Her hearing must be muffled, and Sam didn’t even see if it was Ethan. The moment she stood up, her feet glued to the place. Stacy Lazaro, her ex-lover’s mistress, stood there with Zach’s parents, Zara and Zoren Gonzales. Sam still has a decent attitude.

She bowed down her head to Zach’s parents, even though Sam knew something bad would happen. Either she can receive a slap on the shoulder, a pull of a hair, or a hurtful word that’ll stick in her mind forever. Sam sighed. 

“Where is Zach? Tell us, Sam,” Zara muttered. Her husband stayed silent. Stacy looked at Sam, wondering what she’s doing here. How come Zach got into an accident when he’s too careful with pedestrian lanes? Or was it just her simple conversation? 

Zara glared at Sam. She answered, “It’s in the emergency room. He’s there for two hours.” 

“And you, why are you here?” Zara asked. Sam looked up at her. She met those blazing eyes. It could send out a fireball and burn her alive. Sam pursed her lips, finding hard to say it, even if it’s only few words. Zara took a step forward. 

“The hospital called me. I didn’t know why I was the first one to receive the news. I ran over here, seeing Zach’s body, and---“ 

“I’m not interested. Thank you for lending my son’s whereabouts.” Fortunately, she just received the third one. Sam looked down at her boots as they walked past ahead along with Stacy. She didn’t even greet her colleague for a while. Sam stared at the hallway, the tears streamed down, and it was a mess. She sat down on the bench again, propping her elbows upon her knees, and cried. 

…

She went out of the hospital and retrieved her cell phone. Before she can even hit the call button, a car drove past her in the parking lot. It was a familiar one. She knew the owner of the car. Ethan climbed down fast, his coat ending above his knee, and approached her. Sam’s sunken eyes met his, and Ethan breathed. 

He draped his hands around her head. It was then she realized she craved for a human touch, someone who could give her a hug on this tough time. And only Ethan gave her that. She wrapped her arms around his waist, and sobbed. 

Ethan assured, “It’s not your fault it happened, alright?” 

Sam wept in his chest, soaking his collar with tears. Ethan soothed her hair. 

… 

“Are you sure you want to drink more? I’ll send you home if you can’t.” Sam shook her head. Ethan wasn’t drinking at all, even though she poured him down a drink. It’s her fourth bottle, but she doesn’t feel numb at all. It was just a prick in her heart, but it radiated everywhere, so painful it was unbearable. And this is the result. 

“Why did the car accident have to happen after our recent breakup?” Sam’s eyes brimmed with tears again. She grabbed the bottle, poured it down on her shot glass, and sighed. Sam tilted her head back, slamming the small cup back down on the table, and her cheeks have flushed. 

“Sam, it’s not your fault, okay? Don’t blame yourself. You and Zach may have a relationship far more years than the other couples, but your life is your life. You let that life revolve in you, and not him, alright?” 

“He was my rest before we break up, Ethan. He was the most beautiful distraction ever made on Earth. I never thought I could be with someone like him, but ended up failing halfway through forever.”