Chapter 13: Telling Him

SERENA'S POV 

I exhaled and I stared at my fingers

Sadly the past has a way of entangling itself in the present. I could never get rid of it no matter how hard I tried to push it to the back of my mind. Elliot had left me so broken that loving again was like gambling and I wasn't sure if I wanted to love again.

And here was Derrick, my heart was beating.

 I never imagined telling Derrick about my mate, Elliot  the person who turned me down and threw me away as if I were unimportant, like I was just a piece of trash that should be taken out immediately and how foolish I was that I had allowed me make love to me and now I was carrying his child.

As I relived the pain however my voice trembled and I muttered the words one after the other. 

“He didnt want me.” I muttered my throat aching from the memories. “ I thought that he did, like I was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

But then everything changed and he claimed that I wasn't deserving of him. Sophia was better and hr chose her over me..he rejected mr.”

Derrick tightened his hold on my hand as his green eyes grew darker. 

“Serena…. “

I interrupted him with a shake of my head. If I gave up now I wouldn't have the guts to go on. I just have to let it go once and for all and have that inner peace I yearned for. And it was that peace and love that I wanted.

“But when he gazed at me, he saw only disappointment rather than warmth or love. As if I were the Moon Goddess mistake.” I continued and swallowed the lump in my throat as my chest heaved. 

“I felt completely broken. I thought that I would never recover. But then you came . For the first time I allowed myself to believe once more.”

We were silent for a while. The reassuring touch of Derrick's thumb against the back of my hand hurt my already frail heart.

“ But now.” I said with a fake laugh “isn't it the same thing again? Elise is your fiancé. It is your responsibility to pick her.”

I didn't intend for my voice to break but it did. I was powerless to stop the fear and vulnerability from leaking out and the tears, they were threatening to fall and then I looked, trying to avoid Derrick's stare but it was so impossible, it was that moment that the tears chose to fall.

I hastily wiped them away and stared at the ground.

Derrick clenched his jaw and let out a breath. 

“Serena—.”

Before he could finish I pulled away from him and wrapped my arms around myself as though they would keep me together. 

From what exactly? The cold, fear or rejection.

I don't know but I just wrapped my hands around myself.

“Derrick just tell me. Do you love her?”

His hesitation was audible,.more than any words he could have said.

My eyes were closed. All I needed to know was that.  So I would be free.

“Serena its not that simple.”  he continued taking a step toward me.

 I didn't turn to face him even though his warmth was pressing against me. 

I thought I had him when I told him that I was pregnant with Elliot's child but now I looked and sounded so stupid. I should have just kept quiet and watch from a distance, now I was lost and didn't know if he would accept me.

“ Isnt it?”I said silently.

 Sighing he said.

 “ Look, Serena, I hate commitments and I don't like women hovering around me but with you and Elise, I don't know who to pick.”

I was frozen. For an instant I was uncertain if I had heard him correctly or I was deaf and my breath caught.

 I looked at him slowly. 

“What?”

There was something unreadable in Derrick's eyes—remorse, doubt perhaps even guilt. “I'm not sure who to pick.” he said again. 

 Before I could stop myself I let out a sour laugh. “That is just. Aw, f*ck.”

“The words Serena—”

“No.” I interrupted him in a stern tone. “I just described to you what its like to be second-choice and unwanted. And now you're telling me that I'm a possibility. You have played this game so well and  you have to consider your options and select the one that will best serve your interests.”

 He twisted his face in agony. 

“That wasn't my intention.”

“ But Derrick that's what it is. You are unsure of who to pick, which implies that you don't really want me. Call me selfish .” I sniffed. “ But you are rejecting me, isn't it? Do you know how it feels to be rejected.”

“Don't be selfish,Serena.” He yelled and I almost jumped out of my skin. “ I don't know you could do or say this.”

The realization was like a blade cutting through me. In the end I was still standing where I had been before I had allowed myself to believe and hope. 

Not wanted.

 A wave of frustration rolled off Derrick as he ran a hand through his hair. 

“Serena this isn't simple for me.”

“ Then allow me to make it simple.”

I could scarcely raise my voice above a whisper. 

“I'm not been selfish or whatever and I'm so grateful for all you did for me. You can chose her as your mate and luna.”

Panic flashed across his face as his eyes widened. 

“Serena please don't—”

I backed up a shaky step. 

“Derrick I won't plead on your behalf. That was the last time I did that and it broke me. I'm not going to repeat it.”

 I fought the urge to cry even though they were burning behind my eyes. I already had too much of my heart invested in him.  I pushed away from Derrick as he reached for me.