1: The Ecstasy of pain

I sucked in a breath the moment the lighter grazed my skin. A shiver ran down my spine, making the hairs on my body stand in attention. This was a painful pleasure that I will never get over, or have enough.

A malevolent smile crept up on my face, as the fire burned deeply into my flesh. I wanted to feel the tingle of the flame and there was no way that sensation was missed. It sent me to cloud number nine and I never wanted to come down. The fire on my skin gave me a kind of deviled high that I could not get from drugs.

Throwing my head back to lean against my door, I exhaled. No one could understand what I was feeling right now and if only people were not shallow minded, insanity wouldn't be a word in the dictionary. 

The ecstasy of pain has never been fully experienced before, it is a feeling which taste bittersweet and it is addictive like a drug that encapsulates reality into fiction with its realness. I have felt it and it has continued to fuel my insides with the illusion of my existence.

"Zamani!"

The music playing in my ears were loud enough to block out anything. However, whoever shouted my name in the most disrespectful and disturbing manner did it in a way that it rang through my eardrums.

Someone pounded on my door, prompting my head to vibrate from the impact. Acting on impulse, I flung the lighter under my bed and unplugged the earphones in my ear.

The knock continued rapidly and it was beginning to get under my skin. Swinging the door open, I was met with my brother's annoying face. "What do you want, Bilen?"

Bilen chucked his head into my room, a smile plastered on his face. Ever since I came to the realization that he was my brother, I have tried so hard to mould him like me and wipe that smile off his face. "Are you busy right now?" I rolled my eyes at his question. "Uh…what is that smell? Are you smoking in here?"

"What. Do. You. Want?" I enunciated, fighting the urge to kick him in his stomach.

Bilen shrugged, and walked through the door. My room was a mess, with clothes and books strewn across the floor, but he didn't seem to mind. He flopped down on the recliner and stretched out his legs as if he owned the place. "Are you busy?"

I took a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut. I exhaled at once and turned to stare at him. If he finds out that I was burning myself, he will report me to our grandparents and I will be forced to go back to therapy. "I am busy. As you can see, I have homework."

"It doesn't seem like it to me, Zamani," Bilen pointed out, clasping his palms together. "Anyways Orion and I are going to a party and I was wondering if you wanted to tag along."

"And be the third wheel to your boy band? No, thank you." I was not the usual antisocial type, the issue is that I hate going out on a school night despite being in college and I hate third wheeling with my brother and his friend.

"Why? Is it because of Orion?" Bilen questioned, raising his eyebrows at me. "Don't you want him to find out how little your wicked heart thumps for him?"

I have had enough of this man here. In a heart where misery and affliction existed, there was no space for affection. The only thing I felt towards Orion was pure hate. There was something about him that makes me want to slit his pretty throat with my teeth and watch him bleed. "Get out of my room."

"Uhh…come on, Zamani," Bilen groaned.

"Get out of my room, Bilen," I hissed.

"Really, Zamani? Are you seriously sending me out of your room because of what I said?" Bilen questioned, standing up from the recliner. He walked past me as I was stationed at the door. 

"Get out and don't come back again."

Bilen sighed and left the room. I immediately shut the door behind him, letting out a long breath that I didn't realize I was holding. I placed my palm on my chest and my heart was beating faster like a caged animal that wanted freedom.

I hated it whenever I was feeling anxiety caused by little things. Truth be told, it was hard for me to tell whenever random feelings were coursing through me. All I know was that whenever my heart thumped fast, it was a call for my drug— pain.

Running to my bathroom, I grabbed open the drawer on my dressing table and brought out the bottle of zoloft, popping the cover up as I took two pills and swallowed. The effect of the drugs were slow and it was not relaxing my mind at all. I needed something instant.

My eyes trailed to the hair dryer on top of the table. Smiling mischievously, I picked it up and plugged it into the socket and turned it up, making it very hot. I raised my gown up to reveal my bare thigh. 

Excellent!

The impact of the dryer scorched my thighs, sending hot shivers that made a new wave of adrenaline course through my veins. I blocked out the noise from the dryer and focused my energy on the excruciating agony I was inflicting on myself.

I let out a muffled moan, as tears rolled down my face. Every inch of me enjoyed what I was doing to myself and even though my brain was supposed to reject the affliction, it accepted it into the core of my being.

"Zamani!" Bilen's voice resounded all the way into my bathroom.

"What?!" I shouted back, turning off the hair dryer and stepping out of the bathroom, only to find Bilen in my room. "What do you want, Bilen?"

Bilen scoffed, his hands tucked in the pocket of his trousers. "I'm leaving already."

I nodded, a lump growing in my throat. "Send me the address."

"Okay." He was about walking out of the room when he stopped on his tracks. "Stop hurting yourself by neglecting your feelings for Orion. He's outside, just in case you want to greet him."

"Get out of my room, Bilen," I warned, glaring at him.

Bilen chuckled, his pearly whites on display. "I will tell him you love him."

"Bilen!" I was not having any of it and I was instantly pissed, which made me grab him by the collar of his shirt and pushed him outside of my room.

"Jesus! Zamani chill. It is just Orion," Bilen said.

I slammed the door on his face. Orion—no one could tell how much I despised the name and the owner of that godforsaken name. Orion was a vermin to my existence in the sense that he was the first person to call me crazy.

During my early years, Orion was someone I once enjoyed having around until we both were caught up in a situation that made him call me crazy and that was not the word used to describe me. I was an artist that refused to let the lines of fiction blur into reality and I was ostracized because of my difference in perception.

I despised Orion and I wanted so badly to watch him burn with the fire he started in me very long ago.

My phone vibrated on the nightstand and I was forced to look at the text message from Orion himself. I ignored the message even if it was just the address of the party and I know that man I called my brother put him up to it.