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4: Time in memorium
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2024-10-29 19:42:56I was empty, sad and upset.
Everyone who knew Bilen were on black and my mind was as black as night because I tried so hard to feel fine, but there was a hole drilling in my mind and it needed to be filled with something, even if it costed me to raise hell and watch the world burn.Seeing my grandparents in turmoil unequivocally broke my heart because no matter how old they were, they loved Bilen more than anything in the world. I also loved my brother even though there are times I wanted to wipe his smile off.My head was heavy and throbbing like I have been hit by a thousand pounds linebacker and my heart was bleeding the color black like the exact color of dress I was wearing. I squeezed my eyes shut to try to send the thoughts that were gathered, away, but it proved abortive. I have never felt a great unrest like this before and I am stuck with a gnarly inkling that whoever murdered Bilen was closer to me, lurking in the shadows.Stepping into the church triggered a lot of emotions and self doubt and I felt so guilty and pained for abandoning Bilen. I should never have trusted his safety with Orion, because both of them were so reckless and careless as old as they were.My grip on Orion tightened, as tears seemed to spill from my eyes. I could not even bring myself to face my grandparents because I was so ashamed and the idea of Bilen committing suicide might have sunken down their mind and there was no way I could induce that he was murdered.Why did he give in to the party? And why was Orion not with him? Who could have pushed my brother?Bilen has always been there for me, especially when our parents died in a ghastly accident, he became available to me, mentally, physically and emotionally and he taught me how to connect with my feelings. But because of how selfish I have been, I left him all alone while he was fighting for his life.I am a very bad sister."Zamani, are you okay?" Orion asked in a low whisper, impeding my train of thoughts.I don't know why I held him as support when I hated him, but don't let anyone lie to you, grief would twist your mind and make you do things you don't want to do. I sniffled and shook my head. I am not okay, if only he could see the havoc in my heart. I was shattered into a million pieces and I didn't know what or how to feel anymore. I would never be okay or feel better in my life again.The only word cluttering in my mind was revenge. There was this urge gnarling inside of me to avenge Bilen because whoever evicted him lethally from this world will never be exonerated and I don't care how bad it would destroy me. I am already damaged and this is my promise to Bilen."Do you want to see Bilen one last time?" Orion asked, sucking a breath. I feared that he might break down and I would be forced to fight him here.I nodded. I could not comprehend words at the moment. I feared that I might have lost my organ of speech. I was scared that if I open my mouth to talk, I’d spew out lies and false confession. I would also blame Orion for everything that happened and give my dark side credibility.I allowed Orion lead me to the altar where Bilen laid peacefully in a sleek black coffin that was covered in roses and daffodils. He hated flowers and was allergic to them. I wished he could just sneeze from the allergies and smile to me once again.Bilen was at peace and it pierced my soul. Before I knew it, I broke down in sobs, clinging to Orion like a lifeline. His hands went over my back as he held me like a fragile little thing that could break if he lets go."Hail and farewell, my friend," Orion murmured, his words laced with pain and despair.The cemetery was packed with people as Bilen's coffin was about to be lowered into the ground. The usual burial ceremony speech went by a blur and I paid no attention to whatever was happening. I just wanted to go home and wallow in self pity.Another round of singing and prayer resumed and I could not hide my emotions anymore. The cold façade I always wore like armor suddenly shattered as Bilen's coffin made a loud thud on the ground. I had to throw my sand and daffodils on his coffin as I walked away from the crowd and everything I have ever known.I had to leave without saying my proper goodbyes to my grandparents because I never wanted them to get hurt again.Related chapters
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 5: Wayfaring stranger
I was on my own, wallowing in an intensifying misery. If only I was bulletproofed and void of any emotions, I would be good. But I wasn’t. I had feelings. I was no Hawaiian porcelain doll or a robot, but then there are some robots that have feelings.Doing one thing over and over was making me sick and mentally dying of boredom. I failed to attend lectures because the last time I went to school, there was a shrine at the entrance of the faculty for Bilen Araya and it got me upset seeing the colorful hearts people drew for my brother, knowing it was all fake love.A knock at the main door caught my attention and I wondered who chose to disturb my peace this hot afternoon. Leaving what I was doing, I left my room and sauntered to the door. I did not bother to check who was at the other side.I swung the door open with annoyance and I was immediately taken aback when I saw who stood there with a police badge. "Miss Araya?" Monty stared at me in disbelief like he was surprised to see me.
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 6: Disenchantment
Let go of the light and fall in to the dark side. In as much as I was a sociopath, I really wanted to feel. I wanted someone to love me and want me, however, that was a big dream that was so out of reach.For so long, I have basked in solitude and thrived in chaos, but I don't want that anymore. I wanted to feel the company of someone else now that Bilen was no longer here to counter me and keep my behavior in check. I missed my brother so much.Although Monty was my new found acquaintance, something told me he was trying his best to step back from me since he was the detective in charge of the case of Bilen's murder.The school atmosphere was not really conducive for me and the moment I finished lectures for the day, I found my way home in order to relax my mind. When I got to my front door, I searched for my key to unlock the door. However, my key wouldn't budge in the lock and it became unsettling.Grabbing the knob, and turning the key, there was no pressure in the door. I steppe
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 7: I Like Me Better 1
I could not believe what was happening to me.The fire that I loved so much was burning me dangerously, scorching my skin with its flames and I was screaming in agony as each spark seared my flesh. I did not know where I was or what was happening, all I knew was that this wasn't my happy place.I was in hell.I continued screaming as the fire seared my flesh. I was burning and no matter how loud I cried, there was no one around who could come to my rescue. My whole self was disappearing into the flames and for the first time, I was over powered by fear."Zamani!"I grabbed my sheets tightly with my fists when I heard my name echo in the furnace. Maybe someone was here to help me."Zamani!!"There was a loud bang somewhere. I instantly felt the cold touch of my savior pulling me out of the fire. A loud gasp escaped my mouth as soon as I opened my eyes with force and was met with Orion staring down at me with concern in his eyes."Zamani, are you okay?" He questioned, caressing my face.
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 8: I Like Me Better 2
"There is something wrong with you, Zamani. It is obvious. I can see it and I see the way you try so hard to find relief in pain.""You don't see me, Orion." The tears I have been holding back threatened to spill and there was no absolute way I will cry in the presence of Orion.He moved closer to me and lifted my chin up. "I see you, Zamani.""No." I whipped my head away from him, as tears began streaming down my face. "You don't know me."He turned my face towards him as he leaned closer and began kissing my tears. My heart fluttered, as a kaleidoscope of butterflies swirled in my stomach. "I see you, Zamani and I want you even though you don't want me."I fell into his warm embrace as I broke into a train of sobs. "I don't want to live with my grandparents."Orion held me closer to him, not wanting to let go of me and my creature squealed in excitement. "I know, Zamani. It is just for the meantime. Once you get better, I'll make sure to come whisk you away."Orion was filled with l
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 9: Garbage In. Garbage Out
The car pulled into the long driveway of my grandparents mansion. And I instantly felt a sense of dread."Your grandparents are big shot, huh?" Orion questioned as he turned off the ignition of the car.I sighed and darted my eyes around the compound that was stationed with bodyguards. "It is just show off. Don't read meaning into it."Orion unlocked the car and we stepped out, my luggage in his custody. We approached the front door and my heart started to race when the guard at the door bowed down to me. I felt a slight tremor in my legs."What is with the ceremonial people hanging around the house?" Orion asked.I shook my head, not wanting to spew family secrets to a stranger, however, Orion was family. "When you see my grandmother, who's your best friend, you can ask her.""Are you always sarcastic?" He sneered and I chuckled."Welcome home, Young mistress. Mama Araya has been waiting for you," the guard at the door greeted.There was no familiarity in him whatsoever, so it was sa
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 10: Soundbite 1
To say I was losing my grip was a very big understatement. I mean, have you ever gone through a psych evaluation before where all your answers point to you being a nut-job?I fixed my burning gaze on Dr. Dawit as he kept on assessing my medical file. It's been three years since I left rehab and I don't know why my grandmother and this doctor decided to open old wound. I am totally fine and no one wants to agree with me.Dr. Dawit shifted his gaze from my file and looked up at me, a smile growing on his face. “Zamani, I want you to know that this is a safe space and anything you tell me is between us.”A scoff unknowingly slipped out of my mouth. “So no telling my grandmother anything?”Dr. Dawit nodded. “Client confidentiality. I want you to trust me in order for me to help you.”“Then you must think I'm crazy,” I retorted. I was not having any of this. I only agreed to do this so that my grandmother and Orion would roll off my back. I owe no one sanity.Dr. Dawit shook his head, a sm
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 11: Soundbite 2
“Christ Zamani!” I jolted up from the toilet seat when the door to the stall flung open and I was met with my grandmother’s stern look. The lighter in my custody felt the need to fall off my hand at that particular moment and everything around me told me that I was screwed.Words were stuck on my tongue as I stared from my grandmother to the lighter on the floor, and then back to my grandmother.“See, I told you that she loses her grip whenever Bilen is mentioned.” A familiar voice resonated from a distance and my legs were forced to start moving.I walked past my grandmother, slamming my shoulder against hers in the process in order to have a word with the traitor, but grandmother dragged me back and before I could say anything, her palm landed on my face.I held my face as tears threatened to spill.“How could you, Zamani? I gave you the benefit of the doubt, but this…this is the last straw,” she spoke in an angry tone as her eyes became glossy. “Even with a psychiatrist, you still
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 12: Stray dogs 1
The Westwood police department precinct was kind of busy as police officers, citizens and offenders were bustling in and out like confused insects and headless chickens.With my fists shoved in the pocket of my jacket, I stared up ahead at the building, scared of walking inside. What if I get apprehended? Or, what if I see Monty inside there? Will he give me his attention or, will he act as if he doesn't know me at all?Summoning courage, I stepped into the fray of the station and met an officer at the front desk. The officer there was looking like he was in his mid-fifties and he was kind of welcoming with a smile.“I am here to see Detective Montgomery regarding the Araya case,” I said.“And you are?”“Zamani Araya. Sister to the victim.”“Oh.” The officer nodded. “Detective Montgomery is not in right now. But I suggest you wait for him.”I shook my head in refusal, a soft smile plastered across my face. “I don't think I can wait. I have somewhere to be.”“Ma'am, if it's urgent, it
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MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 27: When The Party's Over 1
PRESENT DAY“I am still wondering how Monet wound up dead and I can't even investigate it if I don't want to lose my head,” North said, playing with the food on the plate.I had nothing to say except mask my guilt. Monet was going to kill me because she thought I was going to hurt her ex boyfriend. They both really loved each other and I could not stand and watch both of them be happy together when I was dying inside of me.Maybe I could use North’s grief and loneliness to step up my game and enter another level. He was really suspicious and we were lying to one another. He knew about Bilen's death even though I lied to him that I was the one that killed Bilen, and my killing of Monet was proof of that.I was dealing with dangerous people here and it made my guard up. If they were dangerous, then I would be the goddess of danger. It was either being the scapegoat or setting trap for the goat.In this game that we are all playing here, I will not be the sore loser.“So what are you goi
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 26: The Sound Of Silence 2
North rose from the couch to go get drinks, leaving his phone. I sought that as an opportunity to seal the deal with Monet. After all, he requested my help earlier.I took his phone, unlocked it and typed a text to someone he claimed to love the most before sending and deleting it the minute Monet saw it. Monet was typing and at the end, she sent a thumbs up emoji.Deleting all traces of my communication with Monet, I dropped North's phone where I had taken it from and acted like nothing had happened.“Tesfaye really needs a better mixologist,” North said as soon as he returned with two glasses of what I assumed to be margarita.“What about Jerry? Does he suck?” I asked, stretching out to collect a glass.“Jerry is just Jerry.” North sat down on the couch and took a long sip from the glass. He scrunched up his face. “The last time I had a drink like this was the first time I met Monet at a club.”I rolled my eyes. Can't he just keep shut up about Monet for a minute? “So you've actuall
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 25: The sound of silence 1
I kept on staring at North, a pang of guilt lounging at the back of my mind. He looked miserable and I had an inkling he knew I had something to do with Monet's death.TWO DAYS EARLIER My heart kept on pounding the way my fist was pounding down against Monet's door. I needed to clear up the situation with her because Tesfaye was becoming suspicious of North and I and it was unsettling.The chattering and laughing of students walking down the hallway was frightening and it made me feel disturbed. Something had to be done in order to contain the beast that might rise up to stir some unattended issues.I kept on knocking on her door, but there was no answer until the door flung open and whoever was at the other side of the door was not Monet Morales at all.“Hi?” The girl at the door looked at me from head to toe, flashing a wry smile.I swallowed the bile that formed at the back of my throat. “Hey, sorry to disturb you. But is Monet in?”“Uh…” the girl took a peek inside the room, and
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 24: A Lesser Man
NORTH CAMPBELL My heart shouldn't have been pounding when the doorbell rang. I had a feeling that Tesfaye had sent someone over to put a bullet through my head, but when I looked through the security camera, I was taken aback.Zamani was standing outside, her hands shoved in her pocket and I wondered what business she had with me this morning. After promising not to snitch on me, she went ahead to do what was in her mind.I pressed the intercom. “What d’you want, girlie?”Zamani raised her eyes to the camera and though the view was distorted, I noticed her brown beautiful eyes and I could not stay mad at her forever. “I just want to talk, North.”I pressed a button to unlock the door and the gates buzzed. Zamani climbed up the staircase and within a minute, she was knocking at the door. I swung the door open for her, but she just stood at the entrance.Evidence of a long and hectic night was drawn on her face, with the edges of her eyes slightly reddened and the shadows beneath them.
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 23: Because all the demons are here
If only I was in the right state of mind, I wouldn't have knocked Monet out and tied her hands and legs, despite North's clear warnings. I did not feel obligated to Nightcore, I was doing this for myself because Monet would eventually become a problem for me, and I didn't want to deal with the situation when it got out of hand.Gathering all of my womanly strength, I carried her and put inside the car she drove here. I had texted her earlier using North's phone to meet at Westwood lake, and then deleted the texts. I don't care, but I'll kill just to have my own way. And my way includes finding Bilen’s killer.I turned on the ignition of the car, wound down the windows and closed the door, before going over to the back and pushed it into the water. I was literally getting baptized because of a sin that was as stupid as I am.I got out of the water and wore my boots, hoping no one had seen me exit the crime scene. This better be worth it because anyone involved with Nightcore, will hear
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 22: Hell is empty
“Zamani Araya, word on the street is that you are good for business, which is why I want to offer you a job as a bartender in Midnight Oasis’ underground club,” Tesfaye said, a cringe smile plastered across his face, while taking a drag of his cigar.My palms were clammy with sweat and a rush of adrenaline was surging up my spine. A proud smile crept up my face. “Really? You want to have me around?”“Unless you are a snitch. Moreover, your boyfriend recommended you,” Tesfaye said, pointing at North.I directed my gaze at North. “You really did this for me?”North shrugged. “I mean you've helped me out, so it's my turn to help you.”“Thanks man. I appreciate it.” I eyed North cautiously, he was up to something suspicious and even though he didn't want me in the gang, he saw me as a potential murderer and someone to clean up his mess. “Umm…when can I start work?” I fidgeted a little, getting nervous.Tesfaye chuckled. “Tonight. Your boyfriend will show you around.”North huffed. “Boss,
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 21: Power 3
I rapped on the door continuously that had Monet Morales’ name plaque on it. The job I was sent to do was different from the one I had in mind.There was no way in my right senses that I believed the words that came out of North's mouth and according to common sense, the timeline of his story didn't match up.After a moment later, the door finally swung open as a short ginger haired girl stood before me, an upset look on her face. North definitely has a type.“What do you want, Africa?” Her tone was mean and scary and I am not even African. I am Italian with Hebrew and African origin.I dug into my tote bag and brought out a blue file. “I have a package for Monet Morales, that's you I think.”She dragged the file from me. “Yeah, that's me.” She opened the file, only to find a white paper with three words written on it and a hundred dollar bill. “It ends tonight? What does that even mean?”I shrugged. “I don't know. I was asked to deliver it to you.”“By who?” she demanded, throwing th
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 20: Power 2
A piercing noise kept on ringing inside my ear and I wondered where it was coming from. I fluttered my eyes open that was still heavy with sleep and found my phone on the nightstand, knocking over the lamp in the process.I grabbed my phone and checked the screen to see a ‘no caller ID,’ which was weird because I don't usually give anyone my contacts, even the police. “Who's this?”“Yo Zamani. How good are you at handling business?”I groaned at the person's nonchalance and disrespect. “North, is that you?”“Who else, Zamani? I'm running out of time,” North said and I could hear he was out of breath.“This…this is…” I checked the time on my bedside clock. “It's four thirty in the morning.”“Yes, and I need your help. Are you going to help me or not? It's important.”I sat up on my bed and let out a loud yawn. “I've got therapy at noon. Where should I meet you?”“Midnight Oasis. How fast can you get here, Zamani?” North asked.“Uh…in the next two hours,” I answered, feeling my energy s
MASOCHIST: Bury A Friend 19: Power 1
“How did she do last night?” Tesfaye was in a state of utmost distress. Ever since he met Zamani last night at the club, he has been disturbed and on edge. No one has made him feel that way, not even Detective Klondike. And now, he was expecting to hear news of Zamani’s great fuck uppery.North shook his head and then smiled. “Girl is wilder than a lion. I could not believe she could handle herself.”Tesfaye nodded, taking a drag from his cigar. “When you've stayed that long in rehab, I am sure you'll have the balls to do whatever. She will be good for business, but damn, she's crazy.”North shrugged. “She seems to know what she's doing. However, I have a feeling she playing us. Girl has a boyfriend as a detective.”“Fuck,” Tesfaye murmured. “She's a snitch.”“Maybe. She kept on asking all those questions about Nightcore. I think she wants game.” North smiled as he remembered how sultry Zamani looked last night—the first night he met her—and how he kissed her soft lips.“You think she
