Chapter V, Persistent

My investigation about my sister keeps leading to a dead end. The best lead I got is the CCTV records from the porch that day. A guy with a black cap standing in front of the door. I guess he wants to knock at first to create a distraction but change his mind all of the sudden. God knows how long I've been replaying this scene. By his behavior I know he's agitated, clumsy but not clumsy enough to left some tracks. Police couldn't find any footprints because rain has washed it all away. Police also couldn't find any fingerprints, they conclude that he takes whatever he touches and use his clothes to touch something else like the door handle and some sort because in CCTV footage he didn't wear any gloves. What's weird there is also no trace in Grace's body even though he takes Grace's bracelet. 

I don't know why he takes Grace's bracelet, maybe he is a psychopath who takes things from victims and treasures them. I hate to think that some part of Grace is still out there with a bastard who kills four years old girl. One of my mission is to take the bracelet back and put it back inside her coffin. No matter how long it takes to get it. 

I paused the video and stretch my body. I feel a bit dizzy after a while of looking at the laptop screen. I glance at the clock, it's 3 pm right now. I look outside the window, I see the blue sky with small clouds floating around. I used to sit under the tree with Grace and guess what would I see in that cloud. Most of the time I lie and say she's right. I then take a turn to guess what's in her mind. I wish I could read her mind right now, I don't know whether I'm on the right path or not. Every time I think about her, unconsciously I will touch my bracelet and it has become a habit to me.

*Knock, knock*

"Come in!"

I see Thomas smiling and comes in with some brewed tea and a toast. The scent of chamomile fills my room. This is how Thomas telling me to have a break once in a while. He doesn't say no nor should do this and that. He will listen to me intently and correct me if I do something wrong, he also just giving me advice when I ask, and never criticize the way I handle my problems.

Thomas has been helping me and using his connection to dig deeper into this. He asks doctor, police, detective, even paranormal. We know the unsub is a guy in his twenties, most likely mixed race, acts alone, unplanned killing, and nothing else. He's frustrated and so do I but none of us want to stop looking for the truth. Thomas feels more like a father than my biological father. Both of my parents, again, travel and left me alone here with an assistant, security, and Thomas. 

My family has given up on me. They just let me do whatever I want to do. This is the third time I have tried to apply to the police academy but I guess I will fail this one too. They might have a lot of consideration about me or just against me in general. I have predicted that I fail it because of my mental records and also the reason behind my application. I get it, it may cloud my judgment but then why don't they do their job? They don't do anything about Grace's case after all It left frozen just like that.

I sip my tea and feel the warmth going to my chest every time gulp it. It is somehow comforting. Sometimes I guess a small thing like this hot tea could make me realize that I'm still alive. 

"Miss, the letter."

He hands the letter and left me alone. From the cover, I know it is from the police academy. My hands shaking as I rip the top of the file. 

"I inform you that you will NOT be attending..."

I throw the file to the floor. I expect those words written there especially after receiving them twice before but this is my last chance and I still fail it. I expect this but damn, it still hurts so bad. I hate to cry but my tears cannot compromise this event. I hug my pillow tightly, hoping my muffled crying voice doesn't reach outside this room. 

I don't know how long have I been crying. It is dark outside. I guess I fell asleep while crying. I stand up and look at the mirror, as expected, my eyes are swollen like it's just stung by a bee. My nose is still red and my head still spinning. I always hate my looks in the mirror but today I just look so pathetic. I decided to wash my face and drink some water, some people could die due to dehydration, right? As much as I hate myself I still need me to catch the bastard.

As I go down, the only thing I could hear is the creaking sound the floor made. The woods are pretty sturdy but somehow the creaking sounds still leaking. When I open the refrigerator, I see bottles of coke and a bottle of water. I mean the coke is tempting but I know my body needs water in this state. I turn the TV on and click here and there until a show piques my interest, a guy interviewing an FBI agent and his expertise. He turns out to be a profiler, he reads the suspect's or victim's behavior to catch the unsub or known as an unknown subject. 

Maybe this is how Universe reach me, by this sign. I ran as fast as I could to my room and open my browser. I do everything I could to know the path to be a profiler. Sadly, to become a profiler I need to join the FBI and pass a similar test, which I lacked but what if... I learn about it by myself? I mean I want to join the Police and FBI to find my sister's killer so if I could use the same information without joining those, it would be just perfect. I search for the type of major with something to do with that. 

After a while, I found it. I wear my glasses to pay attention to more details, Crime field in the Psychology major. I still in awe, I never thought I could find another way like this. I apply as fast as I could and run downstairs to Thomas. He now lived alone in the shed behind our house. Until now, in his early 70s, he never has an opportunity to build a family. I guess that is why he loves me so much, I'm the little girl he could never have. It is sad though because I also look up to him as a father figure but we can do nothing about it. I have told him hundreds of times to sleep in the house whenever my parents are out but he is a stubborn old man who highly respects my family. 

"Thomas! Thomas! You won't believe what I just found!"

I knock on his door excitedly, the old wooden door he never wants to replace. The golden handle starting to move. I see Thomas standing in front of me. I never really notice it before but he looks so old and his hair is fully white, I can see his wrinkles every time he smiling. It's kinda funny because whenever he smiles, it seems like his eyes drowning in his cheeks even though he is pretty skinny.

"I will enroll in psychology!"

"Oh? Why all of sudden, miss?"

He is intrigued but refuses to show it to me.

"I'm gonna focus on Crime. So I would learn about killers' behavior and it would help us a lot!"

He pats my head and tells me how proud he is. As I said, he always supports me.

"This is just a suggestion from an old man, since you going to enroll outside of this town, this could be a new chapter for you. Why don't you change your name, miss?"

I don't feel offended at all. I know where this is going. Faking a certificate to a police academy is count as suicide but enrolling in a not very well-known university would be most likely successful. Using Anna Duncan would also put me on the spot. People will look me up on the internet and it will be like the past all over again. 

I sit in his door frame and look up, looking for inspiration. There are a lot of names out there and I just need to pick one. List of names floating around my head, from movie characters to cartoon ones. Suddenly I remember a novel I read a day before the tragedy.

"What about Emma?"

"Emma as character Emma Woodhouse, miss?"

"Yes, but I wanna go with Emma Carlson"

"My last name?"

"As it should"

His eyes widen and blink twice as if he couldn't believe what I have just said. His facial expression is priceless. This is the very first time I admit that I see him as a father figure. I can see his eyes glistening, he may hold his tears. 

"Shall I take care of it?"

I nod and he excuses himself to make some calls. I know this is a bad idea, I might get caught and put behind bars and drag Thomas also into this mess but I need this. This country is failing me so what's so wrong with doing something like this? I don't do any harm anyway.

My parents who won't care will just send me money. It's the only thing they are good at. If they absent in my whole life and still couldn't make any living it would be a joke. 

"You will officially enroll in Cesare Beccaria  University as Emma Carlson next semester after signed some files, miss."

Thomas looks at me with concern. I can't blame him, it still sounds wrong but also so right. I am still Annalise Valentina Duncan but Emma Carlson will also be me. Another me.