Chapter 1 - How it is and always has been

Enter: My childhood home bedroom. This is the year I turned fifteen and this is the same year my life changed forever.

I’m sitting at the foot of my bed playing with my doll. Chloe my little sister is sitting in front of me, her doll lying next to her. 

“I want to play with it. I want to play with it.” Chloe says pointing to the doll in my hand, screaming of the top of her lungs. I turn my back to her facing the foot of the bed and play with my doll. She screams over and over. The louder she gets the more I shut her out.

This is what happens every day of my life. I wake up and I have to deal with my thirteen year old sister screaming her lungs off about something.  I’ve learned how to block her screams out.

 I brush my doll’s hair with my brush ignoring her continued screaming. She stops screaming for a moment, I listen to her movements behind me. I know she won’t give up that easily. When she wants something she’s going to scream and throw a fit until she gets it. And it always works but today I want to have a day that is all about me. I just want a day where I don’t have to compromise my happiness for hers.

I feel her move around behind me, I pretend I can’t hear what she’s doing but I’m on alert. If I’m not on guard she might hit me with something, hurt me. Just to make me feel as miserable as she’s feeling. I block her out and start to braid my doll’s hair. Today I feel like giving her a nice French braid.

She sighs deeply and then I feel her stand up. I hold my breath hoping that she gave up and she’s leaving me in peace to play alone.  I hear her walk toward the door and let out my held breath. Before I know it she comes running in my direction, she hauls her body at my back falling forwards. I quickly move out of her way and she falls onto to the floor hitting it with the full weight of her body.

 I swear it happened in slow motion, I was sure she was going to hit the foot of the bed with her forehead but she didn’t. She caught herself halfway there and decided to fall the other way around. I watch her turn over on the floor looking at me with that evil look on her face.

I clock the moment she decides to make my life a living hell. She smiles at me a little before she summons the tears.  She screaming, calling on the gods of screaming to give her all the power to let it out. She uses all the power filled in her lungs with air and scream so loudly I have to close my ears to stop them from bursting. It’s so loud.

 I hear my mother walking down the hall toward my room. Her hurried steps echo on the floor. She’s coming to her precious Chloe’s rescue. I hate that they love her more than me. My neither of my parents ever comes running like this when I’m hurt.

“What the hell is going on in here? Why is your sister crying?” She screams looking at me angrily. She picks Chloe from the floor hugging her. I hate that they baby her so much, it’s like she never grew up. She talks to Chloe softly, soothing her. “I’m talking to you Adira. What did you do to her?” She asks screaming and scowling at me. That’s the treatment I get every time ad I’m not even to blame.

“I wanted to play with the doll and she won’t let me. She doesn’t want to share.” Chloe says pointing at me with her chubby finger. She doesn’t even like dolls, she only got one because I asked my mother to get me one.

I like styling hair and they wouldn’t buy me a mannequin head. She doesn’t even like doing hair. I do. She’s just mad because I don’t want to give her my doll.

“Is this what this ruckus is about?” My mother asks snatching my doll from me and giving it to Chloe. “I told you to share tour toys with your sister. You can’t hog all of them.” She says and I feel tears sting in the back of my eye balls. Mine is not a toy, I’m practicing doing hair. I need my doll; she threw hers on the floor.

I watch Chloe play with my doll happy, those tears she had a few seconds ago gone.  My mother stands up from the floor brushing Chloe’s hair softly. I watch my heart breaking a little.

“But mom she has her own doll, why doesn’t she play with that one?” I ask pointing to the one she left on the floor.

“I told you to stop being that way; you can’t keep count of which toys are yours and not your sisters. You need to share with her.” She says shutting me down.

“She always takes my toys and you don’t say anything.” I say tears blurring my vision.

“Stop that, stop that right now. You’re her big sister; you have to show her that sharing is good. Now wipe those tears and play with your sister. I don’t want to hear her crying because of you.” She says pointing at me angrily.

I wipe my tears and look at my sister smiling, happy and playing with my doll.

“Now I’m going to finish making dinner. Play nice with your sister.” My mother says walking out of my room angrily.

“I told you to let me play with the doll and you wouldn’t listen and now you made mommy mad.” She says smiling at me. It takes everything in me to sit still and not to walk over to her and just hit her. I’m tired of her manipulating mom into giving her everything.

All she needs to do is cry and she gets her way.  

If I cry I’m told to shut up and be a bug girl. This has been happening since she was born. Mon and dad have been treating her like a fragile little doll. She can never do anything wrong in their eyes and she uses that fact to her advantage.

I get into trouble while she gets away with murder. I hate her. I look at her yanking at my doll’s hair smiling sweetly. She’s twisting the hair over and over looking at ne to see if I have a reaction. I can’t do anything but watch her pulls every hair out of my doll’s head. She knows I love styling my doll’s hair that’s why she’s doing that to its hair.

“Oh look, your doll’s hair is falling out.” She says opening her hand and a fist full of blonde hairs fall out of her hand. “I guess you’ll have a bald doll like mine.” She says throwing the doll at me. My doll is now bald at the crown of her head. How am I going to practice now? I know my mother won’t buy me another one, even if I beg her.

Tears fall down my face, I can’t control them. My heart hurts; this is the only toy I really love. She gets up from the ground laughing at me.

“Why are you crying Adira? You’re a big girl, big girls don’t cry.” She says repeating my mother’s words to me.  I stare at her seeing red; I let the tears fall to down my face for the last time. This is the last time she will ever make me cry. Nothing she does to me will ever hurt me.

She thinks she won because she’s making me cry but what she doesn’t understand is that she’s making my heart even harder. She’s hardening me for the years ahead. While she’s becoming a weak, little girl that wants everything that isn’t hers. I’m becoming a big girl that knows that life is cruel and it will take everything from you.

I just need to be strong and arm myself for this life.

“You will never make me cry ever again. I promise you.” I say standing up from where I’m sitting. She looks at me a tinge of fear in her eyes.

“We will see about that.” She says looking at me determination in her eyes. I can tell she’s taking this as a challenge. She sucks her teeth at me storming out of my room. I watch her walk down the hallway making myself a promise. I will never give that girl the opportunity to break me ever again. I know she’s going to try with all her power to bring me down but she will never succeed.

I close my bedroom door and look at my doll on the floor. I pick it up and the hairs she threw on the floor. There has to be a way to fix this.

“I know I can put these hairs back on somehow.” I say to the doll. “It won’t be perfect but I can get it good enough until I buy a mannequin head.” I say feeling a sense of determination flow into my body. I can’t give up just like that.

From now on I am no longer the cry baby she makes me out to be. I’m going be my own person from now on. I won’t even look for love from mom and dad. They chose who they want to love and no matter what I do I can’t change their minds.

I have tried to be the perfect daughter for them, I have listened to them and taken care of their precious Chloe but whatever I do I can never do anything right.

I have to concentrate on me going forward, I have to be my own comfort and cheerleader. All I have to do is live through these last three years of high school and I will be out of this house and free.

I have a plan to survive beyond high school. I just have to keep to it.