Chapter 6 - The right choice

I pull my car into my parent’s driveway and come to a stop. I feel my heart start beating fast; I haven’t been back here since I moved out of here. I stayed away for as long as I could and if it wasn’t for my mother cussing me out on the phone yesterday I wouldn’t be back here.

My body is already on alert, I haven’t been here more than a minute and I’m already bracing for the worst. I didn’t realize how unsafe I felt here until this very moment. It makes me sad that my family home bring up so much fear and anxiety. This is no way for a child to live.

“I’m just going in to hear her out and then I’m out. You can do this Adira.” I say to myself when I feel the panic set in. I really don’t want to be here. The little bit f peace I created for myself is not here, it’s in my apartment. So I need to get out of here as quickly as possible. “Let me drink some water.” I say reaching for my water bottle in the backseat, I take a big swig of the water and look up at the house.

“Here goes nothing.” I say getting out of the car. I lock it and walk to the front of the house.

“You’re late.” My mother says opening the door before I even knock. “Come in, come in.” she says standing aside so I can walk in. I walk in and my mother closes the door. I head into the kitchen where I know my mother is slaving away cooking dinner.

My eyes collide with my father’s as I walk in. He’s standing next to the kettle waiting for it to boil. He looks so old and tired. His eyes look sunken, he’s not an old man but he looks like he’s lived a long and hard life.

“Evening.” I say looking at him; I never know how to address my father. He didn’t speak to us much when we were younger. It’s always weird to talk directly to him, even when it’s just a greeting. He grunts in response, looking at me for a long time.  I open my mouth to say something but I hear my mother’s footsteps come close.

“I asked you to over at around 5 pm, you’re an hour late.” My mother says walking into the kitchen. My father looks at me, giving a small nod and then he leaves. “I was hoping you could join us to talk about Chloe.” My mother says to my father as he leaves the kitchen.

“I told you I’m not interested in talking about that.” He says leaving her in the kitchen.

“See, I told you he doesn’t want to help out. I don’t know what he expects to happen, she’s pregnant and the baby is on the way. There’s no use being angry now, we have to deal with the situation.” She says rambling on. She walks to the stove opening multiple pots but she doesn’t really do anything. She just looks inside and then closes the lids. She even opened the same pot multiple times. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this stressed out.

I stand next to the sink looking at her feeling weird. I am caught between feeling sorry for her and knowing that I shouldn’t even think about it. This is exactly why I moved out. I don’t want any part of the drama.

“You didn’t tell me why you’re late.” She says looking at me; I look at her surprised she’s still harping on that. She needs to realize that she doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. She can’t demands things from me like that anymore. I can be late if I want to. She’s the one that wants something from me not the other way around. So she should wait for me to show up.

“What did you want to talk about?” I say choosing to change the subject; I’m not explaining my whereabouts to her. She has no right to question me about anything. She relinquished those rights when she let me move out without even a thought of where I was going to end up. According to her I’m a big girl therefore I can do as I please.

“Are you not going to sit down?” She asks looking me up and down. She sits down at the kitchen table giving me a look that says she demands I sit down. I look at her standing my ground, I don’t want to sit down and I’m not going to. This is not a social visit; this is me showing up because she demanded I do.

“No, I’m fine.” I say and she looks at me with her infamous lethal look. This look used t terrify me as a child and if I’m honest it still scares me but I won’t let her know that I’m scared. I need to create some boundaries with her and it starts with the little things.

“Do you want something to drink? I’m almost done making dinner, if you wait a bit we can have dinner together.” She says and I look at her exhausted already. I came here to talk and nothing else.

“No thank you, I’m fine.” I say and she looks at me with the same look of venom and I look at her the same way. We look at her for a long time silent. I can feel the tension in the room build. I have never stood up to my mother like this before; it feels wrong in every way but empowering at the same time.

“You really don’t want anything to do with family do you?” She says and I look at her confused. Where did that come from?

“Look, I came here because I you said you want to talk to me about Chloe. I came out of respect for you but if you don’t want to talk I can leave.” He says and I look at her stealing my back, I have to stand my ground here or she’s going to walk all over me.

“No, don’t leave. Don’t be so sensitive.” She says getting up from her seat to stop me from leaving.

“Then talk, I’m really tired and I want to go home.” I say and she sighs looking at me. She sits back down and takes a few deep breaths. She looks at me like she wants to slap the shit out of me but she knows that she can’t and she hates that fact. She knows she has no power here. I’m not a kid anymore.

“As you know your sister is going to be giving birth soon. And that means we’re going to need money.” She says looking at me. I sigh knowing where this is going. She’s going to ask for more money. Never mind the fact that I give them money every month.

Why don’t they just use that money? Why do I have to go broke while they live comfortably?

“But most importantly we’re going to need support. Money alone doesn’t raise a child.” She says and I look at her in surprise. Does she think that I’m going to have a hand in taking care of this baby? She right on one thing I want absolutely nothing to do with this family. I have broken my back taking care of them and I have no desire to do the same anymore.

“Let me just say this off the bat, I’m not looking to give anyone support to raise a child. I do enough.” I say and she bangs the table so unexpectedly. I almost jump in fear but I hold my reaction in.

“You think life is about money, you think that because you he money you have all the power. Money means nothing without family.” She screams at me her face turning red.

“Why are you talking to me like this?” I hear myself ask before I can catch myself. I am freaking out on the inside but my voice is so calm. I look at her my face strained, why can’t she be civil toward me? I know for a fact that she doesn’t talk to Chloe this way. I know she speaks to her with care.

But when it comes to me there is nothing but contempt.

She’s not even mad that Chloe is pregnant, which is infuriating considering that she has no way of taking care of herself. Instead she’s madder at the fact that I choose not to be part of this. What did I do wrong?

“I am your mother, so I can talk to you anyway I want.” She says and I feel myself get angry. What is she talking about? She has never been a mother to me. She gave birth to me and raised me until I was out of my diapers but that’s it.

“No one has the right to talk to me like that. I won’t stand for this anymore. I’m not the one that needs help here. You need help from me and you will accept whatever help I give you. And you won’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do.”I say my heart racing. She looks like she’s about to lunge at me, if it was a year ago I know with certainty that she would have come for me

 This is new for the both of us; she doesn’t know what to do or what to say. She’s struggling to hold herself back but she’s managing. She must really need my help if she’s this quiet. There has to be something at play here that I don’t know about.

My mother wouldn’t let me talk to her like this on a normal day but today she’s letting me. She’s sitting there looking at me like I’m someone she’s never seen before.

“I’m leaving. If you want to talk to me you will call me and talk to me like a normal person. No more of this screaming and cussing me out. I gave you my respect and you threw it in the trash, now you will have to earn it back. And tell Chloe to come to me if she wants my help, she’s old enough to have a grown up conversation with me. She doesn’t need you to come in-between us.” I say heading out of the kitchen.

I walk out of the house slowly, half expecting to hear my mother screaming her lungs put at me. I close the front door and head to my car my body buzzing. I have too much adrenalin flowing through my body. I’ve never been this terrified and charged at the same time.

I don’t know what to do with the energy flowing through my body. I get into my car and take another large drink of my water. I take a minute to calm my body down before I back out of the driveway. Today is a new day for me