Chapter 3- A tidal wave

One year later

I feel my heart and head settle as soon as I open my apartment door. I smile when I see my beautiful home and my yellow sofa, brings me joy every time I see it. It is a symbol of all my hard work, all the long hours standing doing people’s hair. All m y dedication gave me the ability to buy that cute but overpriced sofa. All of it gave me the ability to have a place I call home.

I worked very hard to get to this point.

I close the door and place my work kit in front of door. I need to clean and sanitize everything in there before I put it away. But first I need to set the mood in this apartment.

I need to be in a good head space when I walk into my house. I know that’s me being extra but, I take my apartment as my place of peace. I always make sure to set good intentions before I walk in I want my home t a place of calm and settled emotions. My whole childhood was a mixture of pain and imbalance. I am very mindful of what I bring into here.

I have a whole system that makes sure I keep to the balance in my house.  And it all starts with making sure that everything is clean and in tidy.

First I place my kit at the door, did that already! Then I take off my shoes and place them in the shoe closet, I have a no shoe rule in my house. After that I get to sanitizing my work kit. And I mean every part of it, nothing is left to chance. I work with a lot of people’s heads, so I have to make sure my tools are clean.

Then I take off my work clothes and place them in the washer.  I prefer to wash them daily because it means less laundry for me to do at the end of the week. And I don’t have to worry about running out of work clothes during the week.

After all of that comes my favorite part, getting myself clean and ready for the evening. I relish this time of my day because I get to take care of my body.  I start it off with lighting a scented candle in the kitchen.  I let the scent work its way through out the house as I take a long and hot shower.

I will take my time in the shower making sure to massage my body. I use the best body washes to lather all over my body and nourish my skin. When I’m done showering I use the best smelling and nourishing body creams and oils. This is so relaxing for me, when I’m done I feel smooth and expensive.

This time helps me to reset after a long and tedious day.

Moving out of home made me see things differently; I realized that I wasn’t taking care of myself.  My entire existence was geared toward making other people comfortable. I never took the time to do things for me. I don’t think I even took leisurely showers when I lived at home. It took a long time for me to adjust to taking care of me.

But now I can say with full confidence that I am fully adjusted to living alone and doing things for me. I don’t know why I didn’t move out of home earlier. Living alone and having your own place is the best freedom you can give to yourself.

 This is the best selfish thing I have ever done for myself.

I move at my own pace, I have my privacy, I am not forced to do things I don’t want to and most importantly I am achieving all my goals. I have no duty to anyone.

I can finally say I’m happy.

  When I’m finally done with my shower, skin care and getting dressed in comfortable clothes. I have my dinner.  By now my apartment smells like a magical garden and I’m fully relaxed

 I can sit on my beautiful sofa and power down. I might watch a series, listen to a podcast or I just might listen to some soothing music. My evenings are all about taking it easy because my days are always so busy.

 Today in particular was one of those busy days. I had three bookings and that is too much for me. I usually take two bookings a day because I don’t want to rush. But a lady called me begging me to do her hair. She was so stressed that I couldn’t turn her away.

 So spent the whole day on my feet doing long braids on three different people by myself. I’m grateful for the money but I don’t like to be overbooked. I don’t need to slave to make money anymore. I make good money doing two people’s hair a day.

I will only work over time if I want a large cash injection. For now I’m good though, my rent is paid up for the next year. My savings are looking good, I don’t owe anything on my car and all my bills are paid up. 

 I take a deep breath and feel my whole body relax. It took a long time to get here but I’m doing great.

I finish off my dinner and clean up the kitchen quickly. I need to get to bed if I’m going to wake up refreshed tomorrow morning. I have an early start tomorrow, so I have to get in enough sleep tonight.

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I get into bed and lay my head on my pillow, I sigh out loud at the softness I am lying in. if this isn’t heaven I don’t know what is. I close my eyes and let my body fully relax into the mattress. I slowly drift into sleep.

I jerk awake at the sound of my phone ringing. Who could be calling me at this hour? I reach for my phone on the side table and look at the caller id. It’s my mother, I look at it ring contemplating not answering it.

I’ll caller in the morning. I say in my brain, silencing it.

I lay my head back on the pillow and close my eyes. I wait for sleep to come like it did earlier but it doesn’t. I’m thinking about my mother and what she wants. I look at my phone on the side table and it’s still ringing.

I know I shouldn’t answer it but I also know that I won’t get a wink of sleep if I don’t find out what she wants. I’m going to have anxiety about it and I will never fall asleep; which will in turn mess up my day tomorrow and possibly mess up my whole week.

“Hello.” I groan into the phone when I answer it.

“Your phone has been ringing for so long, why didn’t you answer?” She says, immediately making me regret answering the phone. I should have just ignored it.

“I was sleeping.” I say and she goes silent. “Did you want something?” I ask when she doesn’t say anything. We might as well have this conversation and get it over with so I can get back to sleep.

“I didn’t know you were sleeping, maybe I should call you tomorrow morning.” She says and I almost laugh. She never cared if I got any sleep or not, so why start now?

“What’s going on?” I ask ignoring her statement.

“I uhm… I need your help with your sister.” She says saying the exact thing I was expecting. She will never call to check in, to tell me about dad or to even ask for something for herself. No, she’s always calling to ask money for her precious Chloe.

“What does she need money for now?” I ask her not feeling like beating around the bush. She should just tell me how much she wants so I can send it to her and move on with my life.

 I don’t argue with her about money anymore, I just give it to her and forget. I’ve given her so much money I don’t keep count anymore. Not forgetting the money I send to dad for their monthly expenses. I may have moved out of their house but I am still taking care of them.

“Chloe is pregnant and she’s about to give birth soon.” She says and I blink hard trying to figure out if I heard her right. Did she say Chloe is pregnant?

“She’s what?” I ask and my mother coughs a few times.

“She’s having a baby.” She says her voice sounding so low and deflated. “And we need to buy baby clothes. I asked your father to help but he’s not interested. In fact he’s furious with your sister for getting pregnant. They’ve been fighting the whole pregnancy; I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to put together a few items of clothes for the baby but I’m struggling.” My mother says rambling, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her sound so defeated.

 She doesn’t sound like the usual shouty, judgmental woman I have come to get used to. This woman sounds so small and desperate.

“I’ll send you the money.” I say and I hear her release a breath of relief.

“I’ll pay you back this time I promise.” She says and we both know that’s not true. “At least I can buy her some nice things and she won’t bring the baby home in old raggedy clothes.” She says and I half listen to her words.

“Who’s the father?” I ask voicing the one thought that has bouncing around in my head since she told me Chloe is pregnant.

“That’s not important.” She says giving me the answer without saying his name. “I don’t think we should talk about that, all we have to think about is the fact that we are going to have a beautiful gift soon.” She says rambling again.

“Okay, I’ll send the money in the morning. I have to get to sleep.” I say ending the call.

 I can’t believe my little sister is having a baby with my ex boyfriend. How did they get pregnant so fast? We haven’t been broken up that long. It’s been ten months to be exact and the only reason we broke up is because I caught them sleeping together.

 I can’t believe this. This is a new low for the both of them. On top of that I have to foot the bill for their actions. I must be cursed or something. How long am I going to live in this cycle of hurt and loss?