Chapter 6- Late night conversations

I look at Ryan’s beautiful eyes and I can see all the emotions she’s feeling, her body is giving me all the right signals but I can see a struggle in her mind.

She leans back from me lightly touching her neck. I smile at her to put her at ease. I know I should have given her some space. I went in too hard too quickly. It’s just that when I saw her tonight, my body took over my mind an all I could think is“ I want you ”. Of course I can’t say that to her that would scare the shit out of her, but looking at her right now I know I went too far.

“I’ll think about it” she says after a long pause. Her eyes dart from my eyes to my lips and then she looks away.

“Aside from dancing what else do you want to do?” I ask her trying to move the conversation on. I don’t want her to get too uncomfortable and leave.

“Uhm… I don’t know. I like the idea of surfing but the ocean is nothing to play with” she says returning my gaze. Suddenly she has this look on her face. As if she suddenly decided to take me on.

“I can’t teach you how to surf but I know a guy that is an amazing teacher. He…”

“You don’t surf?” she asks interrupting me

“No” I answer simply

“I imagined you did,” she says smiling.

“Oh?” I say smiling back at her. She answers me by nodding. She moves slightly in her chair looking a bit more comfortable.

“I can’t help but feel I disappointed you a little,” I say playfully.

“A little bit yeah,” she says serious, I make a mock hurt face and she laughs.

“You wound me” I say touching my heart.

“You’ll be fine, you’re a big boy,” she says smiling.

“I don’t know I think I might have to watch myself with you. You might break my heart” I say half joking. Every time she smiles my heart does a flip and my chest hurts just a little.

“Me? Break your heart? I doubt it” She says and looks at her watch, I feel a bit disappointed but I know it’s late and it’s a work night. I should get going too but I really don’t want this to end. I want to take her home with me...

“Time to go?” I ask her after a moment.

“Sort of, I have to work tomorrow so..”

“One for the road?” I ask her hopeful but expecting her to say no.

“Yeah why not?” she says instead

“Okay,” I say signaling for the waitress to bring us another round. I turn around to find her looking at me. I expect her to look away but she doesn’t. For a long while, neither of us says anything. We just look at each other, I take in her mesmerizing midnight-black eyes, her perfectly plump lips, and her chocolate skin. I love how her eyes reflect all her emotions, I see lust, excitement, intrigue, and doubt.

“Here you go” comes the waitress’ voice breaking the intense moment. Ryan looks away at that moment but I don’t, I take her in. Memorizing each and every beautiful thing about this gorgeous woman in front of me.

“So are you back for good or…?”

“I haven’t decided yet…” I say looking at her closely.

“Oh,” she says and goes back to her drink.

“My job is not permanent, I can work from anywhere in the world so I have the choice to move around,” I  say feeling the need to explain myself. I don’t want her to think I just want to hit it and disappear.

“That must be thrilling, the freedom,” she says looking wistfully into the distance.

“Is that something that you would like to do?” I ask her intrigued.

“I don’t know, I like the idea of waking up in different cities, experiencing new cultures, food, and people.”

“But?” I say before she can say it.

“I’m not brave, I love my comforts. I’m the type of person to complain about how boring my routine life is but I can’t truthfully tell you that I would give it up. I can’t.” She says looking at me intensely.

“I feel the same way about my life. I say truthfully, “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about giving it all up and buying an acre of land somewhere in Limpopo and you know planting my roots. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. Lord knows my parents want me to do it but…”

“You haven’t found a good enough reason to do it!” she states simply and her words hit all the way home. I just look at her, trying to not make her words true.

 For as long as I could remember I was looking for something. With school, I wanted to learn more, and achieve just a little more and I became successful in everything I did because I was never satisfied with enough. In relationships, I always looked for ways to find more satisfaction and in my pursuit of that I learned the best way to satisfy a woman and as a result, I became the best lover they ever met. I put my full attention into making my women happy.

And for a while traveling completed my need for more but now I can feel that excitement fading. I don’t feel the same rush I felt when I was a young man getting off planes in different countries. I would feel a rush whenever I got to a new city. Ready to explore, eat, talk to new people, and learn. Now it feels like routine and that’s why I came back home to reset but sitting here right now I wonder if I will ever feel the same rush I did if I do decide to go back to my old life. The nomad life has been such a big part of my identity that I feel like I don’t know who I am without it