Chapter 18

I don't exactly remember how long the drive was, I definitely wasn't too preoccupied with my thoughts, nor looking at the boy driving the car I'm in. 

I couldn't help but ask, "Was Tristan always like this?"

He heard what I said. Before I spoke up, the ride was quiet. I'm guessing the car had something to do with memory flashbacks of a bonfire and a lake and a kiss that none of the two of us seem to remember.

Ace was quiet for a few seconds, he looked like he was trying to remember his years with a supposed asshole.

"He was...a really confusing kid. I mean, we both were. He could be helping out some lost freshman and lead them to their actual classes, or sometimes he would choose to play with their heads and make them end up in the maintenance area. Sometimes, what he does are worse than just losing a freshman on campus. You'd never really expect what he chooses to do next."

"Were you like that?" I ask.

Frankly, I didn't want to expect a particular answer from him. Although it will give me comfort to know that I have been hanging out with a good guy with a decent past, I still don't think I should expect anything. I know I should never judge anyone with their past as basis, I should never judge anyone at all, but I still found myself expecting that he would tell me that he wasn't so close to anything like Tristan.

"Worse, I think he got it from me. The two of us have been friends since middle school, but that doesn't change the fact that you can still go down different roads and grow apart from people that you've met on that one same road you've passed together." 

"How come you seem...decent?" I struggle to find the right word and he chuckles.

"I don't know, maybe karma had something to do with it. Or maybe I just grew up."

"Do you still want to be friends with him?"

"If he changes. I'll definitely feel bad for the years we spent as friends if we do grow apart after all this, but I'll feel worse for my future if I kept hanging around a guy like that for the mere sake of my past."

"Has he shown interest in changing?" I ask once again. God, I'm starting to feel like either a therapist or a talk show host. 

"No. That's why I've just resorted to giving him a taste of his own medicine, it might wake him up."

"I wonder what his house is like," I say.

"We're near, you'll see it in a few minutes."

"No, I meant like, what his home might be. For all we know, he's surrounded by bad people, or worse, he's not surrounded by anyone at all. An asshole is never just an asshole, you know."

"Trust me. I know." he says, and weirdly enough, I felt his attention distinctly on me despite his eyes on the road.

"Now that I think about it, he doesn't talk much about his family. Whenever we would hang out, there wasn't anyone in the house other than our  group. I don't know much about his mom, but I once saw his dad back at school, it didn't look like they were having the best conversation. I can't remember when it was, maybe freshman year."

"Do you forgive him?" Ace asks me after a short while of silence.

He never asked for forgiveness. But there is also more to a person than their mistakes. Now that I think about it, the days before his party, when my mind would drift to him, all I saw in my head was the nice guy that talked to me at the bonfire. Then it leads to the party and what he tried to do to me. I hate how I try to give him depth and reason for taking advantage of me, but I can't help but think about what led him to do it, and how damaged could he possibly have been to try to do something so terrible. Especially to someone who initially thought he was a nice guy.

"I don't know." I answer. I really don't know. 

I ask him, "What about you?"

"Do I forgive him?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think that's my call. But I think the fact that as you oh-so-comprehensively stated that I nearly crushed his windpipe, it definitely says something about what I felt."

"Would you forgive them if they did that to you?"

"Kind of vague what you're asking right now, Melannie. Are you asking if I would forgive Tristan if he tried to make a move on me?" he asks and I cackled.

"I'm sorry," I laugh once more and he shakes his head.

"I meant, would you forgive a person in general, if they tried to...you know, take advantage of you." I say once I've recovered.

He thought for a while. "No."

"Why?"

"My good opinion once lost, is lost forever." he answers with an unbearable accent and waves his head in exaggeration and I laugh at him again. "You did not just quote Mr. Darcy."

He laughs with me. "Pride and Prejudice stuck with me back at sophomore year, you can't blame me."

"I doubt you read the book, you probably just watched the movie."

"I had reason to. Helps a lot with the imagery along with the satisfaction of seeing Keira Knightley." He says and I rolled my eyes.

"So well spoken."

"Why, thank you Miss Smith." 

"But seriously, though." I drove back to my question.

"Still no. Not really something I like to brag about, but I guess you can say that I hold grudges. I don't appreciate those people who contribute to my damage."

"Huh." 

His eyes shift from the road to me, then back at the road again. "What do you mean 'Huh'?"

I grasped for words.

"No, I just- well, to be abundantly clear there is no judgement."

He chuckles. "What I said wasn't in line for one."

"Exactly. It's just that, I'm simply surprised."

His brows furrowed.

"Surprised?"

"Yeah. I'm surprised that you were the type to hold a grudge. To be exact, I'm surprised of anyone who holds a grudge. And I guess, in awe as well." 

His silence urged me to go on.

"I'm in awe because I think those people to be strong to stand up for themselves, they know what they deserve. I always feel terrible when I hold a grudge. Yes, granted, those people who have hurt me don't exactly end up on my favorite people list, but I always felt grudges as this unnecessary burden a person chooses to carry around."

"Would it be bad if I told you I think that's just your way of making yourself feel better?"

"No, 'cause you're definitely right about that." I say and lightly laugh to ease the tension of the truth.

"I guess I prefer to think of the damages given as this official part of me that I'll just embrace and choose to live with instead of putting it against those people who broke me. In some way, I'm hopeful those damages will help me move forward instead of holding me back in the past." I add.

"Still doesn't convince me."

I laugh again. "It wasn't meant to. People aren't built to share the same opinions. The damages do that to us, they mold us into what we are right now, including how we differently perceive the same things."

"Well, I'm right about one thing." He says.

"What is it?"

"You should write a book."

I made a face. "What?"

"You heard me. I think you would be a great writer."

"You haven't even read anything I've written."

His eyes widen and he gasps.

"So you ARE writing something."

I grin. "Maybe. But you won't be reading anything anytime soon."

"Trust me, I'll definitely be reading it after I buy it from Barnes and Noble. On the bestseller's list I might add." He says and I couldn't help but widely smile as well.

"You're gloating more than the person who's supposed to be gloating. And you're gloating over something that hasn't even been successfully done yet."

"You're in the process of doing it. That's worth at least ten minutes of gloating everyday." He counters and I shake my head.

A comfortable silence settles over us, and after a few more minutes, we reach Tristan's house.