Damnit, Sam! Damnit me. I'm such an idiot. Why did I tell her I loved her? Because I do. I'm old enough to admit that now. Old enough to know what rejection is. She didn't say it back. How can she fool? She's engaged. But she came back to my house.
We haven't been that close in ages. It's been so long since I touched a woman. I thought I did the right thing. I stopped when I was supposed to. And asked permission. All the things I know Sam would like.
I wasn't planning to have sex with her. She just wanted to test the waters out. But for what, to find out the truth? And she still isn't at my side.
God...I'm such an idiot. Maybe, I can blame my feelings on the alcohol I had with Percy. Alcohol makes me talk; Sam knows that. I'm pissed at her. She didn't even say anything. What am I supposed to do now? I can't be at the wedding; I can't watch the wedding. It's decided I'm not going.
I grab my keys and head out the door. The air on my face makes me feel alive. My mom pulls into the driveway. I wish I had my own place to live. Luckily, I'm invisible enough to come and go whenever I want. I pay rent and am making my way through school.
I wish I were brave, brave like dad. He fought for our country. He killed men, saved men, and was awarded the medal of freedom. He was a war hero. But, if I tried hard enough, could I be brave?
My future isn't looking so bright. Maybe, I should join the army and be turned into a man. My dad died when I was in high school. I don't like to talk about it because it was my fault. It's my fault a war hero died. He died because I'm reckless.
If I joined the army, it wouldn't bring my dad back. But it would help me come to terms with it. And with Sam rejecting me, there's nothing for me here. I always thought Sam would grow old with me. We'd be in our thirties and realize we were meant to be together this whole time. But then she went to England, and she's met someone far better than I will ever be.
Despite telling her my feelings, she rejected me by not accepting me. The army would be my chance to start over. I have no woman holding me back, no family obligations tying me down. I'm the perfect candidate. It's decided then, tomorrow when the sun comes up, I'm joining the army.
I sit at the desk in my bedroom and decide to write Sam a letter. I don't know if I will ever give it to her. But it will help me get my thoughts out. So I grab the pen on my desk and write a letter the old fashion way:
Dear Sam,
I've done a lot of thinking. I want you to be happy, and I know that that will never be with me. But that's fine. Despite all our years together, it is what it is. I know these last few days have been confusing for both of us.
I don't know who I am or what I want. I thought that was you. But the truth is you're getting married, and I'm letting you go. I'm letting you go because I can't make you happy the way Mark can. I'm letting you go because it's the right thing to do.
I've decided to join the army. I want to follow in my father's footsteps. There's nothing left for me here; I realize that now. So please don't feel bad for me; I'm excited about this. I will get to be who I was born to be.
I meant what I said to you the other day. I do love you; that will never change. Perhaps I've always known I've felt this way toward you. But, for me, it started on Prom night when neither one of us had a date.
The army is perfect for someone like me. I have nothing tying me down or holding me back. I won't be at your wedding; I'm sure you understand. Just tell me where I can send a gift.
All the best,
Robbie GarvieThis letter looks pathetic and desperate. But it's how I feel right here and now. I don't show my feelings, and I think keeping this letter to myself is for the best. If Sam read it, she would want to talk, and out of guilt, she might be mine. If she ever does want me, I want it to be because it's what she wants. I don't want her to be with me out of guilt or obligation.
I know what it's like to be an obligation. I've been that to my mother my whole life. I don't need that with Sam. I could try dating Missy or Hazel, but I fail to see the point. None of them are Sam. I want Sam, but she closed that door.
When doors close, that's it. No windows are opening for me. No cracks are breaking through. Either you're in, or you're out. And Sam decided to be out. So be it. Who needs Sam Laplow anyway?
I chug a beer and hit the sack. I want to feel numb and drown out the world, all because of Sam.
"I...love...you...Sam."These are the four words Robbie said to me. These are the words that mean our relationship has changed...forever."Sam, what's wrong with you? You've been acting strange, " Mark asks while he sits at the edge of my bed.I barely remember coming home last night. I was crying so much from the sorrow Robbie put me through. The large mirror in my bedroom reveals the truth, that I'm a bitch inside and out.Bloodshot eyes stare back at me. Fatigue and sadness are the worst to experience with a migraine."What did Robbie do to you?""We got in a fight. It happens between best friends," I reply.
Percy Jamrog comes over unannounced. I don't kick him out. He's been over for two hours, and I don't tell him a damn thing."Robbie, what the hell happened. You haven't said shit to me since yesterday. I know you kissed Sam. It's not something to beat yourself up over. She's hot, and you like her. It happens."I take a sip of my cold beer, and Percy takes it out of my hand. This time I let him. I put my hands on my eyes and rub the sleeplessness away."Sam came back after you left."Percy sits down next to me. He knows that what I'm about to tell him will be hard."What the hell happened? Did you kiss again?""Yeah, only this time I
My phone rings its Sam. I'm numb to her name. The last time we spoke, I told her I loved her. So keep it cool, Robbie."Hey Robbie, is it true you asked Missy to be your date to my wedding?""Yeah, it's true. Is there a problem with that?" My voice is hostile. I want nothing to do with her physically or emotionally."No, of course not. Listen, are you and I okay?" Sam whispers into the phone.I want to smack her through the phone. Of course, we aren't cool. If we were okay, she'd love me back, and Mr. Darcy wouldn't be an option for her."Sure, Sam. We're cool. Sorry I made an ass of myself last night. I was a little drunk. I hope I didn't say anything too embarrassing."
I am not sure what I am doing anymore. Am I lying to myself? Or am I just merely curious what being with Robbie would feel like? I need to give us a few days to think about what we mean to each other. He needs to think about us. We never really were an us. These last few days are the closest we have ever been. His lips are the softest lips I have ever tasted. Mark isn’t a bad kisser. But, in all honesty, Robbie was right. We did rush into this engagement, but to be fair, Mark asked me in front of his whole family, friends, and a cameraman was present. There was no way I could have said no with an audience like that. I never did tell Robbie our engagement story. I am sure he wouldn’t be interested in anything like that, especially after the last few days. Hazel arrives at my house. Of my friends, she’s the only one to know that Mark and I have been living together since he arrived in the States a month ago. It was Mark’s idea to sign a six-month lease together. It wou
Maybe I am a horrible person, but getting close to Sam is getting easier by the minute. I’m glad I dropped a subtle hint to her that I am definitely interested in having her find out what we both know to be true. The letter I wrote to Sam is living inside my desk. I will hold off on joining the army. Sam wouldn’t want me to go unless it was for a legit reason. But I’m not sure I have it in me to blow Missy off either. If things with Sam don’t work out, then I want to have the next girl lined up. I don’t want to die alone. So I won’t mess around with Missy. I want to get to know her a bit more and see if we can even be friends. The car keys hang on the coat hanger where my mom always leaves them. I’m a man in my early twenties, and I can’t even afford my own place yet. I have two more student loans to pay off, and then I can have my own place. I have at least six months to go before that even happens. If Sam and I did get married right now, for whatever reason, I am sure we c
I sit up in my bed. The photograph of Mark on my engagement is my phone background. I love the way Mark smiles in the picture. His lips are curled forward, and his eyes never leave mine.“Good morning, Sam. I was wondering when you were going to get up this morning. Here I brought you a cup of coffee.”The cup of coffee is warm. It has milk and sugar, everything that Mark loves in his tea mixed with coffee. Robbie doesn’t drink coffee much. When he does, I think it's in memory of his dad. So there I go again, thinking about Robbie.“Are you okay, babe? You have hardly said anything to me since you got home from your coffee date with Hazel. Did she say something bad about me? Did I leave the toilet seat up again?”A smile stretches across my face and the flutters I once had for Mark appear this morning. I press my lips against his and feel jitters when I do. Why is this so confusing? Maybe I really should call the wedding off.
Did last night really happen? Missy showed me a really good time despite all of my flounderings. She has a point that Sam is getting married. If my feelings for Sam were obvious to Missy, then everyone else knows too. We can deny all we want when it comes to how we feel, but actions usually speak louder than words. Even Percy noticed my feelings for Sam and how I would pine for her. Of course, I wasn’t trying to be noticeable. But when your best friend means that much to you, how else are you supposed to look at them?But no matter what I do now, I need to face the truth. That Samantha Laplow is marrying Mr. Darcy. I wish I could call him Mark and that I met him before he proposed to Sam. It’s still a pain in the ass that I haven’t met my competition. Is he really my competition anymore? Or should I move on and become Missy’s boyfriend.A life with Missy would mean good food, a life of love, and I wouldn’t have to be alone for the rest of
Robbie's lips leave mine. This is what abandonment feels like. Emptiness is nothing new to me, but the look on Robbie's face tells me all I need to know, that he feels guilty about something. Perhaps kissing me made him feel that inner sense of guilt. I'll never be able to break him free of that endless crush on Sam. No matter how much money I spend on make-up, hair, or fancy clothes, in his eyes, I will never be Sam.I wish I had left before Robbie kissed me. If anything, that kiss sealed my love for him even more. I want to give us a real chance at a relationship. I meant what I said to him on our date. He doesn't have to skip town and join the army. If I were his cute little housewife, we could have three children and make love twice a week. That's the life I want. I could commit to him if he could let go of her and commit to me. There are no other female prospects for him, and Sam is spoken for.Although, come to think of it. Sam was acting strangely at
Why would Sam throw up after the doctor gave herthe all-clearto go home? None of this is adding up. I am not going to bother trying to figure it out. If I were in her shoes, I would feel exhausted and emotionally drained. Instead, she got knocked out and broke up with Mark for me. I need to give her the benefit of the doubt.But still, something seems off, and I will find out what it is. I didn't like the doctor shoeing me out of the room. I don't know why they do that. Now I sound like a jealous boyfriend. I really need to stop that before it becomes a bad habit ingrained in me.After my dad died, my mom dated a bunch of weird boyfriends about a year later. Some were kind, but most were controlling. There was this one who stood out among the rest, Max. Max drank too much beer and looked like sawdust. He was a carpenter, I believe. He would tell my mother what to eat, and when he moved in with us, it got worse. She would eat her favorite food
The definition of a best friend is the person one is closest to. I don’t know why it took me this long to realize that the person I am the closest to is Robbie. Everything I do has always been for him. When we crossed the line the night of prom all those years ago, I hoped it would be him. I always imagined us being those friends who would find our way back to each other and realize that it has always been us. We were always meant to be together, and he knew it before I did.When my parents got divorced, and I cried my eyes out, the warmth of his body comforted me. It brought me back to my center. He and I have always been tethered together. Perhaps it was destiny, or maybe it was fate. I knew things weren’t going to work out between Mark and me. We were too different. I was too wild and unpredictable and a little selfish at heart to know what to do. But, on the other hand, he was a gentleman, to his core.If I had a second chance, it would be to tell Mark
The door is hard to open. It gets stuck as I push it. A nurse stops me from entering the room."Excuse me, who are you?""Robbie? I'm Sam's friend," I reply as I attempt to enter the room. The nurse looks at me up and down. Her lips puff out, and she judges my soul. She already knows my faults before I do."I suggest you go buy your girlfriend flowers before you visit her."Flowers, why should I buy Sam flowers."Typical man, girls like flowers. It tells them how you feel about them," the nurse laughs."I already told you, I am her friend. Can I go see her now," I ask?"Honey, I've been around a lot longer than you have. I've seen it all at this hospital. I heard their break up, and if you're here. That means you must be the reason. I'm amazed that guy didn't hit you on his way out. So buy her flowers. You obviously care about her. Here's a ten-dollar bill, tell them, Nurse Betsy sent you."I take the ten-dollar bill and feel l
"Wow, I didn't think you had it in you," Percy says after Missy drives away.The night air is chilly, and Mark still hasn't texted anyone to tell us how Sam is doing. He's a good guy, so I know Sam's in good hands. At least someone can be there for her."What do you mean," I ask?Maybe it's a dumb question to ask. But the truth is it's been hard for me to be true to myself lately. All it took was facing the place where my dad fell to his death—plummeting hundreds of feet below the waterfall. His final moments must have been filled with fear, regret, and unresolved desires. I don't want to die regretting not going after Sam when I had the chance."I mean, I didn't think you had it in you to decide on Sam finally. You seemed so certain about letting her go before. So what's changed," Percy asks as Hazel hands me a cup of coffee?No one has fallen asleep. This camping trip is a complete disaster, from the looks of it. There were six
"What the hell, Missy? You hurt Sam!" I shout as Missy gets off Sam. She's knocked Sam out. There's a little bit of blood on her hands. I pick Sam up and cradle her on my lap."I didn't mean to hurt Sam. But she is trying to come between us, Robbie. She's trying to break us up. I can't let her do that.""Was knocking her out and dragging her out of my tent necessary? Get out of here! I don't want to see you right now. Go get, Mark, and tell him what you did to his fiance," I say while holding Sam in my arms.The entire camp is awake and is staring at the scene we are creating. It's Missy's fault. Sam wanted to comfort me in my time of need, and Missy had to go and get jealous. My mind wanders to the moments before Missy ruined my moment with Sam."Do you love me, Sam?""Yes, I do."Sam didn't hesitate in her response. She only spoke the truth. She only told me what I needed to hear, what we both knew to be true. That she loved me, and it's p
Loud sobbing is heard in the distance. It sounds like Robbie, but I can't be sure. We agreed to meet later. Regardless of how we feel about each other, he's still my best friend first and always. His father died here among the falls and forests, and like a fog-brained mother, I too have forgotten this detail.I can't believe I forgot the name of the place of his father's fall. His father's death never made sense to any of us. Robbie was so quiet and upset about it I never pressed the issue. But somewhere in his grief, he blames himself for the death of his dead father.It's not his fault the world came crashing down for him the day he went hunting. It was never clear why they hunted near the falls or why they followed a deer so close to the edge. The deer was found beside his father. Perhaps it pushed him over the edge. But unfortunately, his body was so destroyed by the fall that it was hard to determine anything in an autopsy. And Robbie was left fatherless, traumati
Chapter 28: Robbie’s POVThe sign for Falcon Falls quickly approaches my window. The last time I read that sign, my father was alive. His breath was on this earth the last time my eyes gazed at the wooden sign with 'Falcon Falls' carved words in the middle.My heart pounds. My father gave me a pocketknife with my initials on it as well as a compass I found the other day. These are the items I will part with when this weekend comes to an end. I will lay them off the last spot my father stood and bury them beneath the earth.My father was a brave man. He fought for his country. To be free of this pain, perhaps I need to understand how he lived as a man. I could run away and join the army. I promised Missy I wouldn't do that. But I am too confused by her and my feelings for Sam. There is almost no reason for me to stay and wonder what would have happened if I chose one woman over the other.
Falcon Falls, the place where I lost my father and my boyhood in a single moment. Returning there has been haunting me all week. I've never told anyone that I am the reason my father, a war hero, fell to his death on the cliffs on the falls. It was a hunting accident.My first year of high school, my father took me on my first hunting trip. He took me to Falcon Falls. The wind was hardly in the air that day, and the sun was low in the sky. It was cold and crisp, perfect deer hunting weather.My old man wanted to teach me how to hunt. We followed a buck near the falls. My gun got jammed, and before my father could help me, I shot him. The recoil pushed him back over the falls. His body was so mangled from where it smashed on the rocks that they never found a bullet wound. But I know what I did. I know how and where it took place. I'm a murderer in the silence of my thoughts. If I return to Falcon Falls, I am sure it will trigger me to rethink joining the army. After my
I return to the house, and Mark looks angry. His arms are crossed over his chest, and his eyebrows are lowered in a narrow position."Where were you, Sam? I tried calling you. My parents have already landed.""I'm sorry. I got caught up in a deep conversation with Hazel," I say, lying through my teeth. I know I look terrible and that my hair hasn't been brushed properly."Why don't I believe you? What are you hiding from me? Sam, I asked you to marry me because I love you. But I can't marry someone who lies to me," Mark says while drumming his fingers against his sleeves."Alright, I was with Robbie. He and I have been fighting a lot lately, and I just want to know that we will still be friends when this is all over."It's sort of true. I'm not about to tell Mark that Robbie and I had the best damn sex I've ever experienced in my twenty-one years of life. I'm still slightly wet from the sex I've had with Robbie. So technically, we had sex twice, an