Chapter Five: "I need a hug."

SIMON POV

Just right around 2 PM, Era comes out of the coffee shop. I was guessing it would be the same time her shift will be over.

I start walking towards her without second guessing. At first she looks surprised seeing me, but also looks like she was expecting me, somehow.

 Her hair is up in a bun. Her white shirt is a stained with coffee and she's wearing the same blue washed jeans since last week. 

She looks really tired. Her eyes are closing off longer before she opens them. “Are you okay?” Then I realize she is not. “A long day?”

“A good long day. But I’m tired. I'm hungry and I haven't eaten this afternoon.” 

“What?” No way she didn’t have a meal this afternoon.

“Yeah, there were a lot of customers. Way too many. Plus my substitute was sick. I had to do some sacrificing.” She throws her head back in frustration, “At least my shift is done now.” She looks back to me.

Era just works a lot these days. I wonder if she ever have a break from her work. I know her father fixes car from time to time, just whenever a customer calls in for a service. I don't have a fix assumption on what's going inside her life yet, that's why maybe inviting her over for a dinner won't be bad at all. 

“You wanna come over to dinner?” I ask her, directly.

“Dinner?”  She repeats asking.

“Yeah. My mother is cooking tonight. She's been home for a week now. It's time that you meet them again.” I say. I put my hand inside my pocket. 

Era scans the parking lot. There are four cars in the area and I don’t know what she's looking for.

Maybe she's waiting for someone else. 

“I don’t know. I haven't talk to your sister for so long, let alone your mom. Is this timing good?” She scratches her neck. “I am tired. I wouldn't be having much of an energy to help her out.” Her eyes are worried and her mouths almost forms into a pout.

I shake my head smilimg at her little unnecessary concern, “You don’t have to help. She's doing everything. You can stay at my room if you ever feel uncomfortable.”

She blinks at me for a second before looking away. She must have been startled by the idea of staying at my room after years?

“In your room?” She sounds in shock.

“Yes. What's wrong with that? It’s not like it's your first time.” I tell her.

“In your room, Simon?” She asks again as if she is having a hard time processing it. “I will be staying in your room? Are you serious? I don’t think that's a good idea.” She scratches her neck again, this time leaving a light pink color on the skin.

“What? It's just my room, Era.” I say. “I mean its not that of a big deal.”

“We'll be there together.” Her laugh is light in the air.

“And?”

“What do you mean and? We never had a time inside your room for over four years now. I don’t want to be so comfortable after so many years.” She says, emphasizing every words to me.

Era is not stranger to me. Well, she technically becomes a stranger after being gone, however that doesn't really matter now. 

“Why?” I ask.

“Because I've been gone. Too long. I don't like making you feel like you have to do that,” she says. Her voice sounds a little bitter now.

“Do what?”

“Making me feel not guilty at all.” She rubs her eyes with the back of her hands and yawns after. “Gosh, I am literally tired right now. I can't wait to fall into a deep sleep.” She says through. Then, her phone rings from her jeans pocket.  

“Hello?” She speaks to the caller. She doesn't even bother looking who it is. She just plasters her phone onto her ear.

“Yeah?” She continues.

“What time are you coming back?” She releases a soft tiring blow of air between her lips.

 “Yeah. I will wait. ” She peers over me.

 “Um no, I'll be at Simon's.” She says. “He invited me over for dinner so don't bother buying me one.” 

I'm actually curious about who this is. I mean whoever it must be someone closed to her that she or he could buy her dinner.

Maybe it's her boyfriend. Who knows. I just look away from her also hoping I’m not eavesdropping this conversation right now.

“Okay. Bye. Love you too, Dad. ” She ends.

 Oh, it's her dad. That is a good relief.

But I stop myself from smiling too hard too soon as the confirmation kicks in that it’s her dad all this time and not some, I don know, lover? Why do I even care?

“Is everything alright?” I ask her as soon as she inserts her phone inside her pocket.

She nods her head. “Yeah. My dad is working until 10 tonight so I think I’m considering your offer now, since he got the keys with him.” She declares. She sounds like she doesn’t have a choice, but to force herself to be with me.

I can't help but smile. I know I am not supposed to. I don’t want her to notice anything else strange with me.

“Why are you smiling like that?” She faces me again.

“Nothing.” I start to walk away. 

“Come on, Simon. Don't try to hide it.” She teases me. She follows me inside the car as if its going to be a casual thing from  now on. 

“I am not hiding anything.” 

“Obviously, you are.” She adds closing the door beside her, “Wow. I like that your car smells lavender right now. And it’s so neat and clean.” Her eyes grasping every corner of the car. She sniffs over the air. She also checks the backseat. “Have you learned your lesson now? That cleanliness is a virtue?”

My laugh covers the air instantly after, “Can you just appreciate my overall performance on cleanliness right now?”

She joins me laughing, “Appreciate huh? Okay, it's 6 out of 10.”

“That's a bad rate, Era,” I whine. “I deserve 10 out of 10, because it’s a rare thing that men do. It took me half a day to do this.”

“I am not going to be bias here.” Her finger points over to the mirror. “Oh, it's actually 5 out of 10, because you use dirty wet rug on this part. Look at that brown dried dirt on the mirror.” She drags her point finger on it like an critic. 

She shows me the dust on her finger to make a point.

“Okay. Okay.” I give in with my hands in the air, “I actually forgot to use clean cloth just like the ones you use in your kitchen sink. That very pink-”

“Alright, that's enough now.” She continues, “I decided that it's 10 out of 10. Very simple. I am an easy person to talk to. I really think it's considerable that some people took half a day to clean up.” She raises her eyebrows.

I start bursting into a laugh again when she adds, “Or half a year even.”

After so long I never felt so alive and be so comfortable with laughing. My heart jumps into joy when I see her happy. She was my best friend. I would never treat her otherwise, I had a underrated feeling that she would resist acting upon the old ways we used to do. She is aware that things might have changed. And things did. I did. But a little glimpse of hope in this moment together is rising for me. A hope that somehow, it will blind me from the pain she gave me back then. 

“What about you?” I ask her as I turn to our streets. 

She says, “Me? What about me?”

“How was your life?” I want to add more questions, but I have to take it slow. I don’t want choke her with so much questions in one setting.

I have to know what happened to her. Why did she left Holy Cross two years ago?

“Oh, ” There's an off when she says that. It seems like it is the last thing she expects to hear from me. “My life has been...” She brings her arms to her lap. “ It’s been boring the last years.”

“How boring is it? C'mon, be more specific.” I can see the red roof of our house so I take a little turn to make the ride longer. I hope Era doesn't notice.

And I hope she doesn't close this topic out sooner than I can see it. The way her voice curls down into uninterested pitch, it's so obvious she's not up for this.

“I dropped out of college two years ago and lived my life upside down.” She says briefly. She looks out to the window and stare at the houses we pass by. Her arms prompts up to the window as she leans her chin on her fist.

I take another turn to take us further away from our main street. “Wait. You didn't.” I say in shock. “I didn't know that. I thought you transferred.” I add. 

She shakes her head slowly. Still she have her gaze away from me. She silently contemplating. 

“Things didn't go as planned.” Era says quietly.

“I dropped out of college too. Made my mother frustrated with me more than ever.”

“Wait. You did too?” She is way more sound surprised than I did on her confession.

But I am glad that Era is finally have her attention back to me.

I nod my head. “I had the worst days. I didn't think I can go on wasting my time with anything as serious as school.” 

“What did your sister say? ” Era moves her hair away from her forehead, securing it behind her ear. I knew she would ask for Emily’s opinion.

“She was disappointed, too. She barely talked to me. She was also too heartbroken to even care further long. Eventually, she forgot I ever did.” 

“Oh, so her and David broke up, too.” She continuously nods for five three seconds. What does she mean with too?

She sighs, “Things happened you know. We learned from them.” She glances at me. “What is the greatest thing you learn for the last two years then?”

I shrug my shoulders first, but I know, “That people change and the way they change also changes us in certain ways we didn't think we are capable of.” I continue. I can feel her eyes are glued on me, “It's terrifying at first, you know, seeing those important people fade away from being so present and then gone, but eventually we bear the pain and then bitter acceptance comes in whether you like it or not.” I’ve been meaning to say these words for so long. I think I wrote these once. These words are real and I have to let her know that. “What 'bout you?” 

She glances away. There is a hit of realization hanging on her face. I turn to our mains street. I am contemplating if I should take another turn away, just to hear her answer.

Era clears her throat. Is she nervous? Is she feeling discomfort?

 “I learned that disappearing from people sometimes heal you. And that it's okay if you make choices and failed to make a good life out of it because those wrong choices will lead you to right ones. Right now, I am opening my heart to possibilities, Simon.”  Her eyes are shining. Then she bites on her lower lips, holding her breathe. 

I don't think I have to take another turn, so I finally head home. My mother is probably done cooking or maybe not yet. I haven't talk to her since the day she came home. I am still processing over her encounter with my father. I haven't even thought about it for days. Kind of avoiding it is bettering my mood. Every time I remember what my father did, my emotion ranges from calm to outrageous thoughts. 

 My mother doesn't know Era is coming over nor Kim does, so this could cause surprised both of them. 

I park the car and take out the keys. Era doesn't make any move. She is just staring at the streets ahead. “I...” She turns to me, “Is this a good idea? I don't know what to say to them.” She peeks at the house then behind us.

Her hands are shaking. I hate seeing her like this. Honestly, there's nothing she should be worried about. I’m sure Kim and mom would celebrate seeing her back.

Era is nothing like this before. I used to know her as confident and outgoing. She hardly ever had anxiety over meeting people. But right now, I can see the way her eyes flicks between her lap and our front door as if it’s a hard decision she is making.

I reach out to her hands on her lap. “Hey, it's going to be fine. I am here. I'll be with you.” I assure her, running my thumb over her skin. 

Our eyes meet at one point before she drops her eyes to our hands, “Okay.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breathe at the same time. 

We got out of the car with my hand holding her wrist. She allows me to lead her the way but I hope she's walking right next to me instead of behind me. She keeps a head low as we enter the living room. 

It's empty so we head to the kitchen where all the noise of clinking, stirring, and splashing coming from. Era pulls away from me as soon as we step in. My mom is hovering the stove. We watch her as she licks her fingers, tasting the sauce from the pan. 

“Hey, mom.” This is awkward. I don't know what to say. I haven't talked to her since, “I invited Era for dinner, her father's at work and forgot to give her the keys.” 

My mother's eyes flash wide by the mention of Era's name, almost dropping the spatula in her hands. “Era!” 

Era is standing next to me, her eyes shy away as my mother strides across the kitchen and grabs her by the shoulder.

I smile at her over reaction.

“Era. It's been a long time. I can't believe that you're here. The last time I saw you was when we bumped into each other two years ago at New York. You look different now.” My mother rumbles as she pulls away from Era. 

Era doesn't seem to be pleased at the last words of my mother because her face crumpled up into a discomfort facial expression. And I know she needs my help this time. I told her I will be with her, so I will.

Before I can say something...

“Yeah.” She still seems speechless but she still gives off a smile. 

“Anyway, I am glad you are here. Perfect timing.” My mother chimes.

My head is suddenly stuck in the middle of my mother saying she and Era met at New York. Era never mentioned anything about where she was in the last two years yet. New York is the last thing in my mind. 

“I am too.” Era nods.

“Are you home for good?” Mother walks back to the counter and starts chopping the onions.

Era looks up to me as if she wants me to take her away from here.

“Uh...” She is looking down at the floor. I am actually curious too. But I notice that she is struggling for words.

“She's not. She's only visiting her father.” 

“Oh, sweetie. I hope you stay longer. I missed you. I remember when you two are still little kids, like two or three years old. You two would kiss each other on the lips and we would love it.” My mother recalls. Her eyes are glitters by the memory. 

“Oh, we did?” I smirk, looking over at Era. Her face is red preventing herself from bursting into laughter. 

“Yes, you two did.” My mother goes on, still focusing on chopping. She has no idea I'm just holding away myself from laughter, but that kiss must been our first time.

“I guess we are our first kiss, then.” 

My mother giggles. “Technically.” She brings the onion into a pan and then stirs. “We assumed you guys would be something more than just friends or best friends but apparently you two are not attracted to each other, so we let go of that hope.” 

No one in the family ever said this to us before.

“Well, yes, I was never attracted to Era. She was attracted to me.” I say without doubt. But it's only an assumption.

“No! That's very false.” Era giggles. “I swear I knew you liked me before but you just never said a thing.” She assumes. 

Then I stop breathing for a moment when she says that.

Because it is true. I was attracted to her. And I never said a thing. 

I have no idea how to deny that or defend myself from the accusation.

“I never was. You're like my another little sister.” 

Era's lips slowly form into an O shape. 

She says plainly,“Same.”

My mother just ignores us, so I tell her that we will be in my room and Era begins yawning on the stairs. She opens my door without asking permission which is okay, I guess. I like her being this better than she is nervous and uncertain.

After I close the door, she says in a low and weak voice, “Can you give me a hug?” She opens her arms wide. 

I freeze.

“What.” I say, unable to process her words.

“I need a hug.” She repeats.

“Should I call my mother?”

She laughs at my response, “No. I want you to hug me.”

“I’m just kidding. Sure. Come here.” I reach my hands for her.

We both move closer to each other. She wraps her arms around my waist. Tightly. I can feel her, tightly, holding on to me. I am not sure what is this for but she must be needing this so bad right now. 

I caress her hair with my hand while the other is holding her comfortably around the shoulder.

“Simon?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you really see me just as another little sister?” She speaks in a low tone.

Why is she asking me this question?

 I was just joking back there.

Wait. Is this bothering her? Why?

“Kind of.” I tell her. It’s true.

“What does that mean?” 

“At certain times.” 

Then, she goes back being quiet again. It's hard to know what's going on inside her mind right now. 

“At certain times, I would see you as my best friend, but most of the time, I knew it’s always more than that. Way too more than that. And, I was attracted to you, but I was too afraid of rejection to ever said a thing.” I want to tell her, but nothing comes out of my mouth.

I just continue holding her.