I walk into second period English to have Ayo and Lucy wave me over to the seat they saved for me. Lucy hugs me, bouncing on her toes.
“I’m so happy for you!” she squeals.
“Thanks,” I giggle. I hold her shoulders down. “Stop vibrating, will you?”
“Come on, Ryan, this is HUGE! This guy is basically all you’ve talked about since sixth grade!” Lucy says, swatting my arm.
“Ouch! Can I at least sit before you mortally wound me?” I smile at her.
“Ryan? Are you ok?”I snap back to reality with Ms. Snow kneeling beside me. Ayo and Lucy are also crowded around my chair. For a second I don’t recognize where I am. I dimly register that I am hugging myself, shaking and crying. The thoughts of the trial had swept me away, completely overtaking my thoughts.“Would you like to go to Mrs. Lewdwig?” Ms. Snow's voice is quiet, but the room is, too. I know that everyone is listening, watching, judging.I nod. All my teachers know the situation and a plan is in place for me to leave class if I need.“Ok.” She pats my hand. I flinch and shrink into myself. She immediately pulls away. “Ayo. Lucy. Can you take
“Hey, what are you doing for lunch?” I ask Ryan as we’re packing up our instruments. Throughout the course of Band, she began to relax. She joked with Jax and me, seemed to get lost in the music, and kept throwing me these little smiles that made my heart race. She almost seems back to her usual self now. I'm happy to see her bounce back so quickly. “Um, nothing much. Just hanging with the girls,” Ryan says. “Do you want to come out to lunch with me?” “Where are you going?” “My mom made my favorite homemade pizza last night, so I was going to head home and grab some.”
I pull away and see her eyes flutter open. She gives me a confused, almost hurt look.“I’m not going to do anything unless you give me the go ahead, Ryan. Verbally. I’m not Tommy and I don’t want to give you a reason to confuse the two of us.”I release her and turn back to the dishes. After a few seconds, she stands beside me and grabs the utensils from the strainer, drying them. We work quietly for a while, only talking to tell her where things go.I’m unplugging the drain and rinsing off my hands when she says, “Hey, Carter. Can you help me out? I can’t reach where the plates go.”Sure enough, I turn to see her on tiptoes, trying to put the plates onto the shelf. I qu
Carter I hope that Ryan was able to focus better on her test than I was on my class. That kiss fogs my brain and I barely hear the bell ring when its time to leave. I meet Jaime and Patrick at our lockers, which are clustered around each other. “Hey, where’d you go at lunch?” Patrick asks. “Ryan and I had lunch at my house. Mom made pizza last night,” I say. “And you didn’t invite us?” Patrick says, aghast. “Did
“Thanks, man,” Patrick mutters before clearing his throat. “So, I know that I’ve been really rough on Ryan in the past - “ “Pendejo,” Ayo mutters. “Ayo!” Lucy exclaims. “Let him talk.” “Fine,” Ayo growls. She folders her arms across her chest and glares at Patrick. “Go ahead.” Patrick's eyes widen and he stares at Ayo for a second. I realize that I don’t think that Patrick and Ayo have ever had an actual
I take Ryan home after the diner. When we pull in, I can see that her parents are doing some yard work. Ryan’s eyes widen. “Shit.” “What?” I ask. “Look, I’m really sorry for whatever my parents are about to do or say.” I laugh. “It can’t be that bad.” Then I look at the fear on her face. “Can it?” By then, I’ve parked the car and her parents are walking over. “Just remember that you said you liked me. Yo
Mr. and Mrs. Miller turn to me and I steel myself for what will not be a pleasant conversation.“So, Carter,” Mr. Miller starts. “Do you know what Ryan has been through?”“She told me what Tommy did to her,” I reply. At the mention of his name, both Mr. and Mrs. Miller visibly flinch.“Has she told you anything about what happened after or about the trials?” Mrs. Miller asks.“Not really,” I shake my head. “I know that she had an episode today, related to her PTSD. I know that the episode was about the first trial and Tommy attempted to attack her then. I know that the episodes have been happening fairly regularly since that night. And I know that she has an appointment
“What about Final Fantasy?” Jake asks. “After dinner,” I say. Jake nods and plops down at the table to start his homework. Carter and I take our drinks out to the gazebo. Mom and Dad follow us outside a few minutes later. “So...how bad was it? Still like me?” I ask as we settle in the gazebo. “Brutal! I don’t know how I’ll ever recover,” Carter says melodramatically. “Hmmmm. I can think of a way to help.”
June, 2000 “Carter Nathaniel Moore.” I walk across the stage, hearing my parents, Lucas, Cody, and the Millers cheering from the audience. From the stage, Patrick, Jess, and Jaime call out my name. And from the pit band, I hear Ayo, Lucy, and Ryan screaming. I walk to the principal to pick up my diploma, shaking Principal Lemar’s hand. Soon after I sit, Jess, Patrick, and Jaime take their walks across the stage. Not long after we throw our hats in the air and are officially high school graduates. ---- All of our friends and our families meet in the large banquet room at the diner. Mr. Sloan and the entire staff of the diner hav
“So, where are we going?” I ask once we’re in the car. “I don’t know,” Ryan says. Her face is all smiles and she is literally bouncing in her seat. “I know! The beach. Let’s go to the beach. I need to do something.” “Alright.” I put the car in gear. Ryan turns on the radio and sings along to I Need to Know, Where My Girls At?, and All Star at the top of her lungs. Though it’s chilly outside, Ryan rolls the window down and sticks her hand out of it. Once we arrive at the beach, Ryan j
I know that Lisa needed to say those things. They had to be told to the judge to keep Tommy in jail. But I hate that he knows. That he knows the effect that he had on me. That he’s still having on me. It pisses me off. Fuck him. Over there, leering at me. His brother behind him laughing at each description of my pain. Fuck them both. He’s going to jail and I’m going to make sure that it is for a long, long time. “The last impact statement is from the victim, Ms. Ryan Miller,” Mr. Shift says. “Please approach, Ms. Miller,” the judge calls.
I hadn’t heard my mother’s speech prior to now. I didn’t think that I’d be able to handle it. But I’m proud of her. Her statement was simple, but powerful and I can plainly see that it has affected the judge. As Mom walks to our row, I stand and hug her. She falls into my arms and squeezes me. “You did good, Mom. I love you.” “Thanks, baby. I love you, too.” We sit and wait for what comes next. “Mr. Shift, who has the next statement?” the judge asks. “Lisa Armstrong, the victim’s the
The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is Carter’s hand in mine and pure willpower. I can feel Tommy’s gaze from across the room and it feels like fingers running all over my skin. I really don’t hear the report from the judge, but I see my parents relax and hear Ayo and Patrick give a little cheer under their breath. “What did she say?” I whisper to Carter. He is attempting to shield me from Tommy’s gaze, but there is only so much he can do. I don’t think that Tommy has turned away from me once. “The probation department recommended the maximum sentences for both the rape and the
There is a huge group of us sitting on the prosecutor side of the courtroom: Lisa, Ryan’s parents, Jake, my mom, Lucas, and all of our close friends. On Tommy’s side, there are only two people. I assume that they are his mother and brother. Ryan is astutely ignoring them. But they seem to be doing exactly the opposite. They are glaring daggers at Ryan and her family. I scoot up so that I am directly in their eyesight, glaring back and cocking my head. Tommy’s mother looks a bit embarrassed and turns away, but his brother gives an amused scoff before shaking his head at me. He eventually turns when the door to the side of the courtroom opens. In walks Tommy. I have never hated anyone so much in my entire life. The anger boils in
Walking into the courthouse, an episode attempts to overtake me. I recall the first time I came here for Tommy’s first trial (when he attacked me, it was ruled a mistrial), the second trial, the press conference on the court steps…I clutch Carter’s hand.“You ok?” His voice is worried, but I can’t see his face because my eyes are closed. “I need to stop.” Carter pulls me to a bench. “You guys go ahead,” he says to my folks. “Ryan needs a minute.” I don’t hear the rest
I am so full of nervous energy that I burn the eggs three different times. “Carter,” Mrs. Moore puts a hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t I take over the eggs? You get the bacon in the oven.” “Sorry.” I move out of her way and rub my face with my hands. “I just can’t focus.” “I understand.” She smiles sadly at me, grabbing the pan and the spatula. Mom comes up behind me and turns me towards her. “Car, why don’t you go talk with the guys? I’ll help Joyce.” “I think I’m going
I pull Ryan into my chest, trying to still my beating heart. That was...incredible. More than anything that I’d dreamed of (and I’d had a few dreams about her). I kiss her hair. “I love you,” I breathe. “I love you, too.” Ryan cups my cheek, but keeps her face in my chest, trying to regulate her breathing. After a few moments, I begin to pull away. “I have to take care of…” I gesture to the condom that I’m still wearing. She lays on her back and waves her hand towards the door. “Knock yourself out. I’