CHAPTER ONE

I always thought the moment you learn how to think like an adult would be the start of stability in your own life. Na kapag marunong ka na at alam mo na ang tama sa mali, kaya mo ng makipagsabayan sa ikot ng mundo. Hindi pala iyon ganoon kadali. Hindi sa akin. Ever since my doctor diagnosed me with Social Anxiety Disorder, I learned that I am not in a normal state. Kaya pala magmula noong maliit pa lang ako ay ganito na ang nararamdaman ko. Kaya pala palaging lumalakas ang pagtibok ng puso ko kapag nasa harap ako ng maraming tao. Kaya pala nahihirapan akong lumapit sa mga kaklase ko para humingi ng tulong. Kaya pala naapektuhan ng sobra ang buhay ko.

Dahil doon, nakuntento na lang ako sa pagmamasid. I learned how to be happy through writing. Parang may kausap na rin ako kapag nagsimula na akong magtipa para ipahayag ang mga nasa isip ko. At least when I jot down all my thoughts, no one would criticize and judge me. That all of my say on things are valid and okay. Unlike in real world, wala ka pang sinasabi may pasya na silang husgahan ka. Isang maling galaw mo lang, magkakaroon ka na kaagad ng imahe na alam mo naman na hindi ikaw.

So far, I am making everything easy for me and for everyone. Less talk, less mistake. Less interacting to environment, more away from worldly sins.

But I am not clueless about life in general. I know how to follow rules, when to give up, and when to apologize. And that made me think that I have a little amount of normalcy in the sense of I am still capable to think rationally. But it is not enough to fill the emptiness that I feel in terms of my existence. Kahit sabihin kong alam ko, na kaya ko… sa huli ay tanging sagot lang ay hindi. Hindi ko kayang pilitin ang sarili ko .

Natatakot lang talaga akong magkamali at masaktan.

"Huwag mo sanang mamasamain pero wala ka ba talagang balak lumabas? I mean look," ani ng anak ng kapit-bahay namin na si Heron at itinuro ang kalangitan. "Ang ganda ng sikat ng araw. Do you think it's nice to walk on sunshine?"

Tipid akong ngumiti. "I am finishing something pa po."

Saglit nitong tinignan ang laptop ko. "You're always on your screen. Okay pa ba ang mata mo niyan?"

"Medyo hindi na. Nagsasalamin na po ako."

"Pagpahingahin mo kasi 'yang mga mata mo. Alam mo sumama ka sa akin. Ipapakilala kita sa mga kaibigan ko."

I am very happy to hear that Heron will introduce me to his friends. But the left side of my brain tells me that those people will not do good to me. And they will not like me. For sure.

I smiled politely. I don't want to offend him by saying no. "Next time na lang po. I just really need to finish my manuscript. Ingat na lang po kayo sa pupuntahan niyo."

"Are you sure?” he sighed. "Okay then. Basta next time sumama ka na."

Tumango na lang ako kahit alam kong wala naman talagang next time. I have plenty of time to join them but I also have plenty of reasons not to. Unang una, hindi ko naman sila kilala. Pangalawa, baka hindi ko lang masakyan ang kung anong man ang trip nila. Pangatlo, nahihiya akong magpakilala at baka hindi nila ako magustuhan. Pang apat at panghuli, ayaw kong umasa na naman na magiging permanente sila sa buhay ko. I believe people will come and go. No one will stay lalo na sa katulad kong mahiyain at boring na tao. Who would like to be with someone who is negative and dull? No one.

Kaya ipinagkakasiya ko na lang ang sarili ko sa pagtanaw sa mga magkakaibigan na magkakasama tuwing pumupunta ako ng park at malls. They looked so happy every time they were together. ‘Yong mga masayang ekspresyon nila kapag nagkukuwentuhan at nagkakaasaran. Nakakainggit. Gusto ko rin na maranasan na maging masaya kasama ng iba. Pero paano nga ba? Wala akong alam na paraan para mawala itong sakit ko. Therapies are not really working. After all, sa akin parin nakasalalay ang paggaling ko.

I took a deep breath and put all my attention to the screen. Ni hindi pa ako umaabot sa kalahati ng nobela ko. My words are jumbled and I cannot think straight. I don't know what is wrong with me today. I just ate my favorite oatmeal cookie and drink a cup of coffee, walk near our old church, and took a warm bath which was my usual routine before I start to write. Hindi pa naman pumapalya ang ritwal ko bago magsulat pero ngayon ay hindi yata ito umuubra. I think I need to do something.

I opened my phone to check if Syria is online. She is my virtual companion which I have met last summer. I accidentally message an account that is looking for someone to share their sentiments. At si Syria ang nakasagot ng mensahe kong iyon. She thought that I need her help, but I don't. I swear that was not my intention. I never wanted to share something about me most especially in some random stranger. Sadyang minsan talaga ay nagloloko ang mga teknolohiya kaya minsan ay naliligaw ang mga mensaheng dapat ay sa iba naman dapat napupunta.

But over time, I considered Syria as my virtual companion. She has a lot of sense and wit. Marami siyang opinyon sa mga bagay bagay na napag uusapan namin paminsan minsan. Also, hindi siya ‘yong tipo na gustong makipag kita ng personal. Which I prefer.

I click the telephone sign and waited patiently for her to answer the call. Messaging is kind of tiring so we decided to hear each others voices. After all, hindi naman namin makikilala ang isa’t isa.  

"Hello?" a scratchy voice answers the phone.

"Hey Syria," I greeted without enthusiasm. "What is happening to me right now?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Hindi ako makapag sulat. Nawalan ako ng maisusulat," problemadong sagot ko.

"You need to stop writing for a while. You should touch some grass."

"Grass is greener without me touching it," tanging naisagot ko. Inayos ko ang pagkakatupi ng aking manggas ng aking damit habang naghihintay sa isasagot ni Syria. Minsan kasi delayed itong sumagot kahit na totoong tao naman ito at hindi isang AI. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganoon siya. Siguro trip niya lang.

"I think you are burned out," anito kalaunan.

I never thought of that, honestly. I am enjoying my life so far. Or I just thought that I am?

I shook away all the negative thoughts on my head. I am happy. I am. I am happy being alone, in my own little world. I am happy that no one talk to me. I am happy that no one sees me. I am happy.

"Hindi. Masaya ako sa ginagawa ko."

I heard her sighed. "Okay. If you say so," anito at sandaling natahimik ang kabilang linya. Marahil ay wala na rin itong masabi katulad ko. "Wala naman kasi akong sinabing hindi ka na masaya sa ginagawa mo. Ang sa akin lang ay baka kailangan mo munang magpahinga at lumabas diyan sa lungga mo. Hindi ba't sabi mo ay hindi ka lumalabas? Maybe it's time for you to finally leave your computer screen for a while and live your life in reality. Maikli lang naman ang buhay."

Easy for you to say. Gusto kong sabihin pero wala naman iyong patutunguhan. Isa pa ayaw kong makipag argumento tungkol sa pagiging ganito ko. Wala namang nakakaintindi.

"I'll take note on that," I just said to dismiss the topic.

I hate to admit but what she said is all that I always wanted to do. Ngunit gustuhin ko mang lisanin ang pagsusulat, wala naman akong ibang kayang gawin. Writing is always been by comfort zone. I can't just stop and abandon the only thing I knew. Katulad ng sinabi ko, hindi ko kayang sumubok ng iba dahil alam kong hindi ko kaya.

"Hey! Andiyan ka pa ba?"

Napakurap ako. "Yes. Uhh Syria I think I have to go. May gagawin pa pala ako."

"I guess you should really go. Wala ka na sa wisyo kausap," sagot nito at ibinaba ang tawag. Napasandal naman ako sa swivel chair na kinauupuan ko. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng pagod na siyang madalas kong maramdaman. ‘Yong klase ng pagod na alam kong hindi makukuha ng kahit anong tulog o pahinga. ‘Yong pagod na hindi mawala wala.

I look up at the ceiling of my room. There is nothing special in it. Taon taon, linggo linggo, araw araw kong nakikita na halos kabisado ko na. Nakikita kong lumuluma na rin at wala akong balak na ipaayos iyon. Wala akong makitang dahilan para ibalik ang dating kagandahan ng bahay ko. Wala na akong kasama. It hits me, the thought I try to squeeze out of my mind. I am all alone.

But being alone is hard. Kahit sabihin pang sanay na ako at iyon ang gusto ko, may mga pagkakataon parin na gusto kong magkaroon ng makakasama. Na kailangan ko rin ng tulong. Na nakakapagod ding mag-isa paminsan minsan. Pinagdiskitahan ko na lang na yakapin ang brown teddy bear na natanggap ko noong ika walong kaarawan ko. Pinakikinggan ko ang tahimik na ihip ng hangin at mga huni ng ibon sa paligid. It is indeed a nice weather. But it is nicer if someone will be here… with me.

I press my elbows into the table, still thinking of the weather. Ilang tag araw na ba ang iniwasan ko sa buong buhay ko?

Mapait akong natawa. I wish I didn’t happened.  Wala akong makitang saysay kung bakit ako nandito. Siguro ang papel ko lang ay maging isa sa pitong bilyong tao na kailangan para sa balanse ng mundo. Other than that wala na. I am already far away from everyone and everything. It doesn't make any difference kung tuluyan na talaga akong mawawala sa mundo. And my existence is not that remarkable para panghinayangan. So I can’t see the point.

Recently I have this thought of taking my own life. Na parang iyon ang pinaka tamang gagawin ko sa buong buhay ko. But instead of focusing on the absurdity of the idea, I chose to stay a little bit and do the thing I like the most. I can see a little light when I am writing and stupid may it seems, but I will hold on to it.