CHAPTER EIGHT

"Salamat sa pagpapatuloy mo sa akin dito," Harken says and looks around my house. "Ang aliwalas ng bahay mo."

Tahimik akong ngumiti. Hindi ko naman maaaring sabihin na ang sinasabi niyang maaliwalas na bahay ay maraming ibinigay sa aking sama ng loob. But on the good side, I am glad that he knows how to appreciate someone's home. That is a good way to start a conversation.

"Uhh…," I tried to say something interesting but my brain doesn't cooperate with me. "Take a seat?" I motioned him to sit on the chair in front of the dining table. He comfortably sat and look around again. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but I am really conscious about the fact that my house is not ready for a visitor yet. Hindi naman makalat ang bahay ko. Sadyang wala lang talagang buhay at saka wala akong masiyadong gamit dahil itinapon ko na ang mga bagay na nakapagpapaalala sa akin sa nakaraan. 

First-time kong magpatuloy ng tao sa bahay ko kaya hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. "Should I offer you something to eat?"

"I mean it's almost lunchtime…," he pauses for a few seconds. "Puwedeng makikain?"

I swear I almost giggle when I saw his puppy eyes and pleading for a food face. I admit, he is cute. Hindi naman ako maramot sa compliments. Hindi ko nga lang iyon sinasabi sa taong gusto kong purihin. Nahihiya akong ipahayag ang opinyon ko dahil minsan, hindi iyon naiintindihan ng iba. Kaya imbes na makipagtalo ay tahimik lang ako at sinasarili na lang ang mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin. 

"Puwede naman. Sayang naman 'yong dala mong ulam," sabi ko at itinuro ang dala niya.

Lumawak ang ngiti niya. "Right. My specialty."

We ate in silence. Paminsan minsan ay nagbubukas siya ng mga bagong pag uusapan na karamihan ay wala akong ideya. Nalaman kong isa pala siyang licensed engineer at nagtatrabaho sa isang firm na pagmamay ari ng pamilya ng mommy niya. Active volunteer rin daw siya sa mga churches and orphanages sa lugar nila. Marami pang bagay na interesante ang tungkol kay Harken. Bigla tuloy akong nahiya dahil wala akong masabi kung hindi, isa akong malaking pagkakamali. 

Habang nagkukuwento siya tungkol sa sarili niya ay unti unti naman akong lumulubog sa kinauupuan ko. I mean, compared to him, I am nothing. Wala pa nga akong greatest achievement sa buhay. To think na dalawang taon lang ang tanda niya sa akin. Suddenly I lost my appetite. I can't swallow the best kare-kare I've ever tasted in my whole life.

"Ikaw? What do you do for a living?" he asks, seems interested.

"I am a writer," matipid kong sagot. I don't have anything to brag aside from still being alive.

Tumango tango siya. "Oh, that's nice. Anong mga sinusulat mo?"

"Poems, novels, at minsan mga scripts."

"You must be good with words," he said then look at me. "I mean internally. You know?"

I get it. "Yes. Sometimes."

I feel sorry for myself instantly. I know I should not care about how status works but this time, it hits me like a bullet. All of a sudden I thought; What if I don't have a social anxiety disorder? What if I have good parents and environment? What if no one ever betrayed me? Baka siguro, maayos ang buhay ko. Baka siguro mayroon akong maayos na trabaho. Mayroon akong maipagmamalaki kahit na papaano. 

Hindi sa minamaliit ko ang pagiging manunulat ko pero minsan naisip ko, bukod sa mundo ng pagsusulat, ano pa kaya ang kaya kong gawin? Hanggang saan kaya ang limitasyon ko sa mga bagay bagay? I wish I could find the answer to my questions. Nakakasawa na rin minsan na magtanong sa sarili tapos sa huli wala ka pa ring makukuhang sagot.

"May nasabi ba ako?" biglang tanong niya pagkakuwan.

"Ha?"

"Natahimik ka kasi. I wonder if I said something wrong o naka offend sa iyo in any way?"

Umiling ako. "Wala naman. May naisip lang."

Umayos siya ng upo at nagsimula ulit kumain. Masiyado ba akong mapagmasid o talagang kumportable kaagad siya sa bahay ko? It's weird to see a stranger being comfortable in span of ten minutes in a new environment. Talent ba 'yon?

But I am curious about one thing kaya huminga ako ng malalim para magtanong,

"Pu-puwedeng magtanong sa'yo?"

Pasimple kong sinilip ang reaksyon niya. Hindi naman naiba pero may kung anong emosyon sa kaniyang mga mata. "Oo naman. Go on. Magtanong ka lang kahit kailan mo gusto."

"Ganiyan ka ba talaga? Hindi ka ba nahihiya sa akin?"

"Hindi. Kaibigan naman kita kaya bakit ako mahihiya?"

"I mean, I don't think you know my name."

Napataas ang kilay niya. "Your name means favor or grace. Alam mo ba 'yon, Hendell?"

I blinked many times. I can't believe he took the time to know the meaning of my name. Kahit ako ay hindi ko alam ang ibig sabihin ng pangalan ko. 

"Pa- paano mo nalaman ang pangalan ko?"

Dahan dahan siyang tumayo at niligpit ang pinagkainan namin. Akmang pipigilan ko siya nang ngumiti siya at pinaupo ako ulit sa upuan ko. "Ako na. At siya nga pala, kanino ko kamo nalaman ang pangalan mo? You wouldn't believe if I would say Marcio, right?"

"Si Marcio? Alam 'non ang pangalan ko?" gulat na tanong ko.

"Yes. Hindi nga rin ako makapaniwala noong una. I thought he was just bluffing. Pero noong kinonfirm ko kay tita Sabel, tama ang sinabi niya. Hendell nga ang pangalan mo," pagkukuwento niya. Hindi ako makapaniwalang alam nila ang pangalan ko aside na lang sa bansag sa akin na weirdo. I mean, no one asked nor was interested to know my name before.    

"Kaano-ano mo ba si Marcio?" kuryosong tanong ko.

"He is my half-brother. Technically he is my older brother but he doesn't really act like one. Pero okay lang. Ngayon lang kasi talaga kami nagkakilala." 

Tumango ako. I am observing his way of cleaning and he is doing it well. Halatang sanay na siya sa paggawa ng ganitong klaseng mga gawain. I wonder, what kind of family did he grow up in? He seems fine and happy and I assume that he was surrounded by genuine and kind people that shaped him into what he is now. He is somewhat a ray of sunshine. And… it's weird that it's all coming from me. 

Umiling iling ako ara maalis ang mga nasa isip ko. Kailangan kong tandaan na walang taong lumalapit sa akin ng walang motibo. For now, maybe he needs nothing but probably someday he will be needing my help. At iyon ang kailangan kong paghandaan. Pati na rin ang kaniyang paglisan kapag nakuha na niya ang tulong na kailangan niya. It really sucks how life works. 

"If you don't mind me asking, bakit nag-iisa ka lang dito?"

"I don't have anyone anymore," I say. 

As predicted, his forehead knotted in confusion. "What do you mean?"

I sighed uncomfortably. I'm very anxious to talk about topics like this. Given that I never talked about my life for a long period of time. 

"Look, you don't have to. I understand," he says then gave me a reassuring smile.

I put all my attention to the cup of ginger honey tea I was holding. It's hard to look in someone's eyes when you feel like crying. "They died," simpleng sagot ko sa tanong niya. 

He didn't utter any word about it after. He changed the topic, which I honestly appreciate. It's nice to be with sensitive people around once in a while. But sadly, people don't want me around. I was functioning as a side character in this world. Well, the side character isn't suitable for me as well. I think I identify myself as an extra. 'Yong taong dumadaan lang sa mga pelikula para lang magkaroon ng buhay ang paligid. That is basically me and I am completely okay with that. Matagal ko nang tanggap na hindi ako magiging bida sa isang pelikula at maging sa totoong buhay pa. 

Harken offered his hand to me. I look at him with confusion written on my face. He smiled brightly. "Mall tayo. Libre ko."

"What for?" bigla kong naitanong bago ko pa mapigilan ang sarili ko.

Harken's expression changed. "Lahat na lang ba ng gagawin ko may dahilan para sa'yo? Hindi ba puwedeng gusto ko lang talaga makipag kaibigan sa'yo?"

I bit my lips to stop myself from blurting stupid words again. After a while, I look at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. Hindi ako sanay na may ibang taong kumakausap sa akin at saka hindi ko alam kung paano sagutin ang mga simpleng paanyaya," I truthfully answered. 

His face softens. "I see. Don't worry we will work on that. And I understand you completely."

"Thank you."

 "So," he offered his hand again. I'm in awe while looking at him more closer this time. I can't believe someone could be this beautiful. "Shall we?"

Like a damsel in distress, I accepted his hand like my life is really gonna depend on it. "Okay."

We walked hand in hand. People in Route 88 starting to form their own theory on their minds for sure. And I also have my own speculation. First and all, why is Harken holding my hand like I am his own?